Semis04

FINLAND: 'Takes Two 2 Tango' performed by JARI SILLANPAA

"I HAVE never been to Finland, but I imagine the people are delighted that I have chosen to speak about them. This song is very theatrical, and has lots of piano key-thumping going on. I am pretty sure that the pianist is thinking about my hit movie 'Striptease' whilst playing, which is putting the passion into the backing track. I am so touched at this gesture from the Finns." DEMI GIVES IT: 8/10

"GOODNESS ME, what a charming tune from our Baltic cousins. It reminds one of the music of Scott Walker when he was under his Brel influence. I heartily recommend this '45 by the talented Jari. In fact, it reminds me of our 'Ace of Spades' in the way that it is absolutely nothing like it. Marvellous fun, but I wouldn't play it in front of the vicar, all that 'angels and devils' business. Goodness, he'd have palpitations for sure." LEMMY GIVES IT: 7/10

BELARUS: 'My Galileo' performed by ALEXANDRA & KONSTANTIN

"MY 13-YEAR-old husband, Ashton Kutcher, has asked for a telescope for Christmas. He has taken a sudden interest in astronomy ever since Pamela Anderson bought the house next to ours. I am tempted to give him a copy of this song to go with it, as it is all about Galileo, the scientist who invented Pamela Anderson. How kind of the Belarussians to predict that I would need to give my husband this gift one day, leading to the recording of this song. The couple who perform it are obviously wishing they were as much in love as I am with my husband. It also sounds a bit like The Corrs." DEMI GIVES IT: 7/10

"GALILEO? I say, that takes me back to my schoolboy days. I detect the burgeoning interest in uptempo folk with this song, and it is a bally shame Alexandra and Konstantin had to perform this in the accursed second slot of the night as it would have been a worthy contender in the final. Our local postmistress is a great fan of science, and she never stops talking about Galileo when I pop in for a TV Licence stamp, I tell you, she's Galileo mad! She would love this song, despite the fact that I can't understand a bloody word the pair of them are singing." LEMMY GIVES IT: 8/10

SWITZERLAND: 'Celebrate' performed by PIERO & THE MUSIC STARS

"THE more I see of Piero, the young Swiss man performing this song, the more I am convinced he would smell of gravy if I met him. Piero would do well to watch my stunning slow-motion run across the beach in the 'Charlie's Angels' sequel, to encourage him to get a bit wet and maybe wash more. He certainly isn't a very good singer. I suspect he was entered into this competition by rival star Jodie Foster, who wanted to distract me from reading any potential Best Actress Oscar scripts from the large pile on my coffee table. Sorry, Jodie, you won't be 'celebrating' the success of your plan this time. I made a joke there. Laugh. Now." DEMI GIVES IT: 1/10

"I HATE to be unsporting, but this is truly terrible. Young Piero is doing his best to get the crowd involved, but his performance is very American-looking in what is supposed to be a European competition. The demure, reserved Eurovision audience will not find this to their liking. Also, Piero deserves a right slap for foisting this kiddy sh*te on us all." LEMMY GIVES IT: 2/10

LATVIA: 'Dziesma Par Laimi' performed by FOMINS & KLEINS

"THIS is straight out of the 1980s, a decade where my star did not shine as brightly as it deserved to, and I had to do a stint on the American soap opera 'General Hospital' before marrying Bruce Willis. I do not speak Latvian, but I am convinced the lyrics to this pleasant pop/rock ballad translate as 'Demi Moore is truly the greatest actress ever to walk the earth and should be rewarded with an honorary Oscar as soon as is humanly feasible'. I am proud that I have brought such joy to Latvia." DEMI GIVES IT: 7/10.

"THIS is a rather tame offering from a country which won the Contest just two years previously. It is unlikely that such a track would make it on to one of our Motorhead albums, unless we were up until midnight the night before our new album was due out, and we had to put something on there really quickly. Gosh, these two are certainly hopeful of a career in stadium rock, as their outfits are testimony too, but might I suggest they raise the decibels up a notch and put more energy into their riffs before truly 'rocking out'. If Fomins and Kleins do claim to have encountered myself and my metal combo whilst 'on the tour circuit', may I be the first to assure you they are speaking untruths." LEMMY GIVES IT: 5/10

ISRAEL: 'To Believe' performed by DAVID D'OR

"THIS reminds me of the music of The Stylistics, which is a group from America, the country where I am from and have enjoyed the greatest and most successful film career of anybody else on this planet. David seems to have rushed to the event from a previous engagement and does not seem to be giving this song his 'all'. I imagine he is fresh back from the States, where he waited in vain outside my expensive Beverly Hills mansion to gain my autograph and a brief discussion of my excellent and varied acting career. I feel that if he had met me, he would have felt truly blessed and given a more convincing rendition of this enjoyable ballad. It is not my fault, however, and anyone who suggests otherwise will hear from my lawyers." DEMI GIVES IT: 6/10.

"WHAT a charming soul ballad. It is just the sort of music I listen to while waxing my beard as I find it soothing. Unfortunately, David seems somehwat distracted by something as he sings, or perhaps he believes the song is so strong, it will progress to the final without any problems, and is saving himself for the Contest proper. This is not advisable behaviour. I was once so convinced I would pick the six correct numbers in the National Lottery, that I ordered a new jumper from the catalogue before the results were announced. In the end, I only picked three correct numbers and was £6.99 out of pocket when the difference between my winnings and the price of the jumper was taken into account. I have never made such an extravagant mistake since and I hope David hasn't either." LEMMY GIVES IT: 7/10.

ANDORRA: 'Jugarem A Estimar-Nos' performed by MARTA ROURE

"THIS is a marvellous pop tune, and I can imagine this is how ABBA would have sounded if they had recorded in this language, which I am not sure is either Spanish or Catalan. In 1991, I was much admired throughout the globe for appearing naked on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine while heavily pregnant. he woman singing this song for Andorra did not, which I am sure has played some part in this song not progressing to the final." DEMI GIVES IT: 8/10

"WHAT a super tune. Marta looks a tad nervous though, and this may have scuppered her chance to get into the Saturday night show. I adore this chorus, it's so perky and feel-good and it's a feather in this tiny nation's cap that they came up with such a good song, despite the fact that only 15 people live in Andorra. I have urged the Motorhead boys to cover it on a forthcoming album, but they seem strangely reticent." LEMMY GIVES IT: 9/10.

PORTUGAL: 'Foi Magia' performed by SOFIA VICTORIA

"MY GOD, a country taking part that we Americans have heard of before. Isn't Portugal in Minnesota? I'm not crazy about Sofia's dress, which is a bit 1983 Prom Queen. If she had telephoned me for advice about her wardrobe before taking part, I would have used my extensive fashion and beauty knowledge to advise her on a different outfit. She should have sat behind a potter's wheel, with a half-naked Patrick Swayze draped about her neck, recreating the scene from my 1990 smash 'Ghost', to have gained the votes necessary to progress further. Sofia would be wise to take this advice in future." DEMI GIVES IT: 4/10

"I HATE to sound offensive about such a charming young lady as Miss Victoria, but this type of song really isn't my cup of Darjeeling. I applaud her for not entering another folksy song, so typical of her fellow countrymen, but this isn't a lyrical recipe for success. I remember wearing a similar dress to Sofia's for a Motorhead gig in Weymouth last summer. When I emerged on stage, the crowd became instantly hostile, and some even shouted disparaging remarks about my mother. I was quite flustered, and rushed backstage to change into my trademark leatherwear once more." LEMMY GIVES IT: 3/10

MONACO: 'Notre Planete' performed by MARYON

"MONACO is a wealthy nation, and one where a star of my stature would instantly feel at home. If I were to go there this evening, I would be given the most expensive house in the country as a gift the moment I stepped off the plane, as a thank you for blessing the Monaconians with my presence. I am intrigued by this singer's decision to sing about the planet Earth and poorly dolphins. Any girl in a millionaire's playground should be singing about how much money she has got and how she can entertain elderly widowers with far too much money. Fool." DEMI GIVES IT: 5/10

"I AM a real environmetalist and lover of God's creatures, so I am giving out love to Maryon and Monaco for this ecologically-spirited entry. As someone who agrees wholeheartedly with Maryon's green ethics, I often drape myself in a curtain with lights on, to be removed at a strategic moment. I truly believe this action brings great good to Mother Earth, who surely faces a precarious future unless we stop burning fridges and that sort of thing." LEMMY GIVES IT: 8/10

LITHUANIA: 'What Happened to Your Love' performed by LINAS & SIMONA

"IT IS obvious that I was not present in Istanbul for this competition, as Linas is singing to Simona as though he is in love with her. If I were in the audience, and Linas had spotted me, he would have ran straight into the crowd, without even bothering to finish his song, and ask me out for dinner. I would have refused, but it would have been an act of my immense charitable heart to inspire an action which prevented the audience having to listen to all of this dreadful song." DEMI GIVES IT: 2/10

"THE Lithuanian wardrobe mistress has created some truly beautiful outfits for this performance. I especially like the heart shape made from scraps of old rubbish stuck to Linas' stomach. In fact, I will now make it my mission to track down the designer and ask her to create stagewear for the next Motorhead tour. It would win an award. I didn't enjoy the song, though. It was really shit." LEMMY GIVES IT: 3/10

SLOVENIA: 'Stay Forever' performed by PLATIN

"IT WOULD appear that this couple became engaged while in Istanbul for the semi final. It is clear that they are copying myself and former husband Bruce Willis, who also got married after falling in love with each other. I will try not to let this reflect my view of the song, which I find to be turgid, mid-tempo slop with anodyne lyrics and about as much chance of staying in your memory as I have of turning in a bad acting performance." DEMI GIVES IT: 1/10

"ISN'T it wonderful to see a couple in love? Many is the time that I will stop a Motorhead set partway through, perch on the edge of the stage, and ask the crowd to consider the delicate beauty of the first flower of spring. Once the riot police have calmed them with hoses, we continue the concert. This Slovene entry reminds me of the power of love, but I cannot understand why he loves her so much. For a start, she's butt ugly, I don't like her tits and this song is like a Peters and Lee album track." LEMMY GIVES IT: 2/10.

ESTONIA: 'Tii' performed by NEIOKOSO

"IsIS THIS where Estee Lauder comes from? This ladiful line-up looks like a casting call for Charlie's Angels. I may have already mentioned that I was in this film, and showed off curves as I ran across the beach which defied physics. If this group had copied such moves, they would have progressed further, I am sure. I am told the language they are singing in is EsteeLauder-an, and 'Tii' must be a reference to Tea Tree beauty products. I invented those. Suddenly, I am distracted by a rather curious man on drums. I did not realise our divorce had had such a traumatic effect on Bruce. He must have heard the same rumour about me being in the audience at Istanbul and has clearly turned up to impress me. I am almost touched." DEMI GIVES IT: 6/10.

LEMMY SAYS: "What marvellous fun! Some bonny Estonian lassies having fun with their own tongue. Our local choirmaster likes to encourage the same behaviour and a recent performance of Hey Nonny No in Middle English had most of the audience in an excitable state for days. It is very brave of Neiokoso to sing in foreign when English brought their nation a winner just three years beforehand. Or perhaps it is just to distract from that silly man on the drums who is completely taking over the whole thing." LEMMY GIVES IT: 7/10.

DENMARK: 'Shame on You' performed by TOMAS THORDARSON

"I DO not appreciate this Danish gentleman implying that I should be somehow ashamed with myself, but I will let that slide for now. Hang on, no I won't, how dare he try to make me feel guilty about something. Anyone would think I was some sort of old slapper, just because I'm going out with Ashton Kutcher, who is a mere 43 years younger than me. That aside, and viewing this song like the multi-talented professional I am, I approve of the vaguely Latino-style beats in this song, however, and am surprised it did not progress further. Mr Tordarson has also thought on about offending me with the lyrics, by turning his shoes into rollerboots in order to escape me if I give chase." DEMI GIVES IT: 8/10.

"I'M ALWAYS telling the lads that this is the sort of stuff Motorhead should be doing on a more regular basis. And rhyming 'fire' with 'desire' shows a mastery of lyrics one can only dream of. This tune reminds me of the time I was in my local library, returning a book on wildflowers, when I inadvertently knocked a waste paper bin over, the sound of which echoed around the silent room. If the librarian had had this song to hand, I'm sure she would have played it to me at full blast for causing such a commotion and disturbing the other library users. If only I had had shoes which turned to rollerskates, like Tomas, I would have deployed the wheels and made a sharp exit, let me tell you." LEMMY GIVES IT: 8/10.

Main Menu