semis05

AUSTRIA: 'Y Asi' performed by GLOBAL KRYNER

"HOW on earth can somebody from Austria have heard of Cuba? Why, it wasn't until I graduated from High School that I heard of smaller, more insignificant, islands known as 'countries' outside of the glorious United States, of which I am its most popular and attractive resident. That aside, the group performing this Alpine-meets-Salsa number are very entertaining, and I am surprised that this did not do better in the competition. I can only assume the semi-final was not screened in Cuba, and so did not attract the necessary votes." DEMI GIVES IT: 9/10

"I'VE closed the curtains and told the vicar not to call round, as I've got another semi on. How I enjoy giving my marks on these tunes. And what a super ditty to start with, the harmonies are just gorgeous and it's a great idea to have a salsa-flavoured song with a sousaphone twist on it. I recall an occasion when I brought a souspahone on stage at the Isle of Wight festival to give an extra twist to a rendition of Ace of Spades. It took three hours, and a generous helping of swarfega, to ease my buttocks from its funnel." LEMMY GIVES IT: 9/10

LITHUANIA: 'Little By Little' performed by LAURA & THE LOVERS

"I HAVE now heard of Lithuania, as they were in the last one of these semi things I watched. This is a very good song, and one which I would dance to in a sophisticated New York nightclub, if I weren't too sophisticated to get up and dance. Rosie O'Donnell would dance to this, and no doubt try to seduce me with her moves while doing so. I would not succumb. I can only assume that Lithuania does not have a bible belt, as Laura is very proud of the fact that she has more than one lover. If you did that in Alabama, you would be tarred, feathered, and forced to marry your ugliest cousin." DEMI GIVES IT: 9/10

"HOW did this song not go further? It is positively marvellous, albeit with traces of the Benny and Bjorn songbook peeking through. I would have made this one of the favourites to win the entire contest, and I am absolutely disgusted it did so badly. As a fan of cut-price spaghetti hoops, which is often found on the rider when Motorhead goes out on the road in its tour minibus, I am delighted that Lithuania decided to pen a tune about two Lidl supermarkets in close proximity to each other. Marvellous." LEMMY GIVES IT: 10/10

PORTUGAL: 'Amar' performed by 2B

"WHAT a dreadful performance. I have never seen such a woeful attempt at entertaining a large crowd of people since an actress who was not me won a Best Actress Academy Award and attempted to sound interesting in her acceptance speech. She knew full well the crowd really wanted me up there with my hands on the statue. However, the young man in the group is very young. I wonder if he is single?" DEMI GIVES IT: 1/10

"EVERY beery day? Goodness, I'm not sure the Portuguese should be promoting binge drinking in these ASBO-fuelled days we live in. 2B have clearly taken this message to their hearts before singing the song, and have filled up on Alcopops before coming on stage. It would certainly explain the performance." LEMMY GIVES IT: 1/10

MONACO: 'Tout de Moi' performed by LISE DARLY

"THIS must have been written by Walt Disney, the greatest American, besides me, who ever lived. You will all recall my stunning performance as the voice of Esmeralda in the Disney animation The Hunchback of Notre Dame, voted by my immediate family as the greatest vocal performance in the history of long cartoons. As 'Hunchback' was set in France, this song should have been commissioned for that, and not this competition, as it is in the language of France, which I believe is called Franch. This act of treachery means I am forced to mark it down." DEMI GIVES IT: 3/10.

"NOW, you guys know me as a bit of a rocker, but I've always been a sucker for a classy ballad sung by a lady in a nice dress. The French language is even more beautiful when lent to a ballad and Lise really gives it her all. I have carefully sketched down the particulars of that frock and will posting it to the dressmakers in the morning. Tres maginifique!" LEMMY GIVES IT: 7/10

BELARUS: 'Love Me Tonight' performed by ANGELICA AGURBASH

"MISS Agurbash is clearly a woman after my own heart. She knows how marvellously talented she is and carries this off with discreet modesty. I applaud her subtle costume changes which one barely notices as the performance progresses and the delicate nature of the lyrics, which, when analysed closely, appear to have a sexual subtext. I never knew that Bel Air was a country in its own right, and somehow part of Europe, but for as long as I don't live there, I will allow Angelica to be its Queen." DEMI GIVES IT: 10/10.

"IF ONLY the Motorhead tour budget could stretch to as many costume changes in one song. I would love to switch between three or four taffeta numbers in our big finale, and perhaps introduce some dancing boys in vests. I am sure our fans would love it. I am somewhat offended by Angelica's demands to be 'loved tonight' however. If someone behaved like that at our community hall whist drive, I, and the other members of the band, would politely ask such a person to leave." LEMMY GIVES IT: 5/10.

NETHERLANDS: 'My Impossible Dream' performed by GLENNIS GRACE

"GLENNIS' impossible dream, clearly, is to be me, so I must take pity on this poor wretch, who will never scale my heights of greatness. If she had walked on stage in a bikini, with 'I Wish I Was Demi Moore' tattoed across her stomach, she would have won this entire competition, and very possibly the World Cup and Olympics as well." DEMI GIVES IT: 4/10

"I CAN imagine some quarters of the crowd getting excited about this one, but I fear it does little to get my heart racing. If only Glennis had opted for a flouncier dress, with a touch more glitter and frills. I would have been sympathetic toward the song in such circumstances." LEMMY GIVES IT: 3/10.

ICELAND: 'If I Had Your Love' performed by SELMA

"SELMA? Isn't that were vampires come from? Surely if somebody lived in Iceland they would show up in a fur coat and on a sled pulled by huskies and looking incredibly regal? This is what I, Demi Moore, would have done if invited to represent this nation, but I was clearly busy so they resorted to this woman instead. Who can't sing." DEMI GIVES IT: 6/10

"WHAT marvellous Busby Berkley-style moves Selma's dancers were adopting. It reminds me of the occasion we were at the Leamington Spa Festival of Rock and I performed modern dance in a bathing cap and trunks while singing one of our more aggressive numbers. Our fans clearly loved it, as they kept shouting what appeared to be 'thank her' at me. Presumably, this was in deference to my choreographer, whose hard work was so much appreciated by them." LEMMY GIVES IT: 3/10

BELGIUM: 'Le Grand Soir' performed by NUNO RESENDE

"WHO is this very scary man? Such an individual was once arrested in the grounds of my very expensive home for attempting to steal my underwear from the clothes line. My slender garments would never have slipped over his large hips. This ballad is full of gusto, but my stalker look-a-like is being overly earnest in its delivery. If he was a different person, singing a completely different song, this would have been a much better entry from Belgium." DEMI GIVES IT: 2/10

"Gracious, this isn't my cup of raspberry and echinacea tea at all. If Nanette Newman were visiting me, as she so often does, when this programme was being broadcast. I would say "Nuno Nanette", to her, which we would find amusing." LEMMY GIVES IT: 3/10

ESTONIA: 'Let's Get Loud' performed by SUNTRIBE

"JUST what is this noise being inflicted on my ears? I tell you, if the Hollywood Police get to hear about this cacophony being inflicted on their biggest star, these girls will be arrested, and very possibly shot. Let's Get Loud? Let's Get singing lessons, more like. Oh, ho-ho, I've just made myself laugh with a very funny comment. I'm so charming." DEMI GIVES IT: 4/10

"ONE can see where the songwriters were coming from, but perhaps Suntribe were not the correct route to take for Eurovison success. It is very reminiscent of Girls Aloud, how I adore those girls and their outfits, but the talent is not there. If I were a nasty man, I would call them Suntripe, but I'm too nice to." LEMMY GIVES IT: 4/10

FINLAND: 'Why' performed by GEIR RONNING

"THIS is another earnest gentleman who is suggesting I should somehow feel guilty for all the woes of the world. How dare he. If the world took just three hours each day to stare at a photograph of myself and then another three writing about how truly talented I am, they would never have warlike thoughts again. Perhaps Geir Ronning could consider this next time he attempts to write an entry for the Eurovision Song Contest." DEMI GIVES IT: 3/10

"I ADMIRE the quality of Geir's entry, but I could only stomach it in short doses. It is very worthy of him to worry about the world's troubles, but I would much rather he spent his time worrying about how many sequins he can fit on his jacket for the performance, or if he can afford to drink strawberry daiquiris in extortianate Scandinavian hostelries." LEMMY GIVES IT: 5/10.

ANDORRA: 'La Mirada Interior' performed by MARIAN VAN DE WAL

"I HAVE never seen the interior of La Mirada, but then, I was never one of the Dynasty cast. This was purely down to Joan Collins' jealousy of my infinite beauty and talent, and, feeling threatened, she had me blacklisted from the show. This anthem from the Andorrans is very ethnic, I can imagine ugly women in waistcoats singing it in San Francisco." DEMI GIVES IT: 5/10.

"THIS is such a small nation, that I applaud their continuing efforts to make it big in the Contest. I am not sure that dressing up like trees is the way to go about it, though." LEMMY GIVES IT: 4/10.

BULGARIA: 'Lorraine' performed by KAFFE

"I AM fully aware of what is going on here. My arch rival, Jodie Foster, has sent this stupefyingly boring song to the Contest, using her method acting to 'be' the controller of Bulgarian TV. She believes that the boredom-induced coma this song will send me into will give her the opportunity to have first dibs on the many potential Oscar-winning scripts which come my way. She will not succeed. I took three Prozac before the lead singer opened his mouth." DEMI GIVES IT: 1/10.

"DEAR me, this one isn't much fun. It does give me the opportunity to reminisce about a smashing time I had a few weeks back with Lorraine Chase and Lorraine Kelly. We had a lovely afternoon gossip in our local tea shop. The 'girls', as I call them, had a panini and a skinny latte each. And I must confess, I did have a chocolate eclair after my tuna on wholemeal. Oh, I do feel naughty." LEMMY GIVES IT: 1/10.

IRELAND: 'Love?' performed by DONNA & JOE

"WHO are these children? Have I tuned in to the Danny Kaye story by mistake? Their mother should be ashamed, letting them make a fool of themselves at this time of night. They should follow my example, by shaving off all their hair and doing one-handed press-ups on live late-night television to promote GI Jane, a far more worthwile way of using television exposure.". DEMI GIVES IT: 5/10.

"LOVE? It's a lovely thing isn't it? I'm love mad, me. It forms the basis of so many of Motorhead's most popular tracks. Goodness, that young man looks like Ron Weasley from the Harry Potter films, doesn't he? I'm Harry Potter mad, me. Except for the scary bits, which I skip past, or I wet my bunk on the tour bus." LEMMY GIVES IT: 3/10.

SLOVENIA: 'Stop' performed by OMAR NABER

"WHAT a very attractive man. However, in his early twenties, Omar is just too old for me. If one listens carefully, you can hear his mum wailing about this fact on the backing track towards the end of the song. She clearly thought I would marry her son, and my Hollywood A-List friends would buy us extremely expensive gifts, such as a Breville sandwich toaster, and deep fat fryer, for our wedding. I believe such luxuries are only available on the black market in Slovenia. Good song, though." DEMI GIVES IT: 9/10.

"I JUST cannot believe this song did not get through to the final, as Omar performs it extremely competently. He should not despair. I recall a time when I entered my prize marrow into the competition section at the local fete. All who saw it were amazed at how firm, yet supple, it was, and I was more than happy for them to give it a gentle prod. Alas, it did not win any prizes, even though someone with a far less impressive marrow did. I have since learned that this marrow was entered by somebody from the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia." LEMMY GIVES IT: 10/10.

POLAND: 'Czarna Dziewczyna' performed by IVAN & DELFIN

"THIS is a very energetic performance with far too many frills and is making me feel nauseous. It reminds me of the time Jodie Foster held a salsa party, in a desperate attempt to prove she was more popular than I, and only Dame Judi Dench and the Kids from Fame showed up. I need a lie down." DEMI GIVES IT: 3/10.

"GREAT frills boys! Although, it is a bit daring to show off that much male flesh in a performance. Mercy me, if I exposed my nipples on stage, I am sure our fans would be disgusted, and demand their money back in a moral outrage. Rightly so. The song is a tad too folk-orientated for my liking, sorry guys!." LEMMY GIVES IT: 6/10.

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