semis06

ISRAEL: 'Push the Button' performed by TEAPACKS

"POSH the button? Is this about that notorious attention seeker Victoria Beckham? I can understand why the tiny man in the not unpleasant jumper is getting so irate if this were the case. In fact, I did think he had started going into a frantic garble about his absolute hatred for the woman, but Ashton has put his Spirograph to one side for the moment to inform me the man is 'rapping'. I'd like to rap that Posh, just let me tell you, with a live crocodile handbag. Sorry? It's 'Push' the Button. Well, why didn't you say? It's a beautiful piece of music." DEMI GIVES IT: 7/10

"MERCY me, I think this is a song with an anti-war message from the Israelis. The small gentleman in the golfing sweater is certainly feeling passionate about this subject. It reminds me of the time I popped round to Ronnie Corbett's house and he proceeded to tell me about the time he went for a round of golf with Bruce Forsyth and, at the club house afterwards, Brucie tried ever more fiendish tricks to get out of buying a round. Ronnie was quite furious, and at one point was stood on the coffee table, shaking his fist and stamping his feet. I like this song." LEMMY GIVES IT: 7/10

CYPRUS: 'Comme Ci, Comme Ca' performed by EVRIDIKI

"Who is Komsar, and why does this woman want him to go and look at something? This is very modern music, and if it were made 20 years ago, I would doubtlessly be asked to star in the video, writhing provocatively in swimwear. In fact, there is no reason why I shouldn't be up there on stage with her right now, jiggling my assets about. If I had been, this Every Dicky woman would have reached the final. The fool." DEMI GIVES IT: 6/10

"I HAVE heard of this 'darnce' music from some of the younger children who attend the Sunday School I run. They get very excitable about it and, in fact, next week we are making disco biscuits right after bible class, at their request. Gracious, I'm not one to comment on such a hardcore sound like this. I'm sure those DJs like Small Paul and Pete Tongue would have this at the top of their '45s pile. I must learn the dance." LEMMY GIVES IT: 8/10

ICELAND: 'Valentine Lost' performed by EIRIKUR HAUKSSON

"IF ANYONE thinks about losing my Valentine card, there will be trouble. In fact, this is what I imagine has happened here. This cold gentleman, whom I assume lives in an igloo, is distraught at having misplaced the card he was going to dispatch by carrier-seal to my Hollywood home. The stark realisation that I will never be aware of his obsession has led him to sing this song in quite a moody voice." DEMI GIVES IT: 5/10

"ROCK On! I wish me and the rest of the Motorhead boys could come up with something as raw as this. It's absolutely amazing. The way it rhymes 'cage' with 'stage'. We would never think about something as creative as that. If he wasn't so edgy, I'd suggest him backing us on our next tour, but he might offend our fanbase with his harsh delivery. Motorhead knows its place." LEMMY GIVES IT: 7/10

MONTENEGRO: 'Ajde Kroci' performed by STEVAN FADDY

"WHO is this man and who thought he deserved airtime when I was sat down in front of my television set? I'm sure I have a Ford Montenegro in the garage. If I go out there later and find this Stevan character trying to sing at me, I will be forced to call security, and possibly have him thrown off the roof, even though the garage is on the ground." DEMI GIVES IT: 1/10.

"GOODNESS, there are such modern sounds at this year's semi final. I bet if this was released in the British hit parade it would go straight to number one and remain there indefinitely. It reminds me of the time that Noel and Liam from Oasis came round to my house and I threw a tea party, as they were there between lunch and tea and I didn't want to spoil their main meal later on. They played me some of their guitar-based pop rock and I was heartily entertained, although I did have to ask them to leave when their language got a bit choice." LEMMY GIVES IT: 5/10

SWITZERLAND: 'Vampires Are Alive' performed by DJ BOBO

"I HAVE seen that Tom Cruise thing about the vampire, with Brad Pitt in, and they certainly weren't alive, so I don't know what this Swiss gentleman is getting at. Then again, there are some people at the back of the stage who look quite lifeless. They are clearly recreating the many film performances of one of my rivals, Meg Ryan, who is rubbish in everything she does. For this amusing homage, I will give a generous score." DEMI GIVES IT: 6/10.

"VAMPIRES! Eek, I'm scared. I took the liberty of watching this particular song with our local vicar, who came armed for the occasion with numerous strings of garlic, crucifixes and holy water. Unfortunately, at one point, he threw holy water directly at the television, which proceeded to explode. Luckily, I was already hiding behind the couch with fear, so avoided any shrapnel. While crouching, I made notes about how rubbish this song is." LEMMY GIVES IT: 3/10.

NETHERLANDS: 'On Top of the World' performed by EDSILIA ROMBLEY

"I LIKE this song. Edsilia has employed an applaudable method, belting this song out from a rostrum, from which she can look down her nose at the menial backing singers. I requested such a podium when making Ghost, so that I could appear at least three feet taller than Patrick Swayze in all our scenes, but this was vetoed by our rather talentless, ineffectual director. Hmmph." DEMI GIVES IT: 8/10

"WELL, I would have had this one down as a surefire getting-througher. I can remember the reaction from the rest of the Motorhead lads when Edsilia stalled in the semi final. There was depression in the tour bus for days, and nobody wanted to play Hungry, Hungry Hippos - usually a sure-fire way to put a smile on the boys' faces." LEMMY GIVES IT: 8/10.

ALBANIA: 'Hear My Plea' performed by FREDERIK NOCI

"I CAN understand why this one didn't progress any further, it's absolute rubbish." DEMI GIVES IT: 1/10

"THIS is really rather boring. Do forgive the pun, but please 'hear my plea' and move on to the next one. Goodness me, I'm trying not to giggle now..." LEMMY GIVES IT: 1/10

DENMARK: 'Drama Queen' performed by DQ

"THERE is only one Queen of Drama which matters and that, quite frankly, is me. Why this young woman has decided to make such a fool of herself in public by thinking she can usurp my crown is on a hiding to nothing. I am reminded of a party I once attended at one of The Golden Girls' houses. Michelle Pfeiffer was there, being rather arrogant, and claiming she was the finest actor of her generation. I soon dealt with her by hitting her over the head with a large vase, although I did find the ensuing police involvement rather unnecessary." DEMI GIVES IT: 2/10

"THERE is something a bit different about this young lady, and I just can't put my finger on it. I think she must be left-handed. She is wearing one of the most beautiful outfits of the evening, and I admire the subtle, understated use of the crown at the outset of this entry. I am slightly concerned that she sings about being outside when the night is falling. Such vulnerable young ladies should be tucked up with Francis Gay's Friendship Book a long time before sunset." LEMMY GIVES IT: 6/10

CROATIA: 'Verujem U Ljubav' performed by DRAGONFLY feat DADO TOPIC

"WHAT will I never know? How much you are besotted with me? Mr Topic, I think I can take it as read from every single red blooded heterosexual male on the planet. If I walk past a straight man who is not in love with me, I can instantly sense it and usually push him into the nearest puddle. I find this song a bit of a grind and not one I can imagine Ashton playing on his stereo. Then again, he has had his stereo confiscated for breaking the greenhouse window with his frisbee, so I may be speaking out of turn." DEMI GIVES IT: 3/10

"THIS is a bit hum drum for me. I was hoping that, at some point, Dado and the young lady would remove their clothing to reveal bright party outfits, and attempt to do Agadoo with fireworks and things going off behind them, and a fly past from the Red Arrows. This didn't happen, and I think you can sense my disappointment." LEMMY GIVES IT: 4/10

POLAND: 'Time To Party' performed by THE JET SET

"IT IS rather vulgar for these overly keen youngsters to keep insisting that we attend their party. I can pick and choose between the hundreds of invitations I receive each week, thank you very much. This young lady is very pushy, and reminds me of the actress Meryl Streep, who is always asking the girls to come round to her house one night so she can throw an Ann Summers party. Meryl, and this woman singing for Poland, should learn how to take a declined invitation on the chin." DEMI GIVES IT: 5/10

"MORE modern music. I have never heard anything so state of the art. Full marks to the Polish entrants for getting their gramophone to play on cue. They must have been winding it up for hours backstage. This is another cutting edge dance routine, which I will endeavour to include in an upcoming Motorhead gig, perhaps when I venture forth into the audience with a selection of vol-au-vents and verses from Gideon's Bible during one of our lengthier instrumental breaks." LEMMY GIVES IT: 7/10.

CZECH REPUBLIC: 'Mala Dama' performed by KABAT

"IT IT legal to have hair like that? Is the Czech Republic where they invented credit? If so, I think it is a marvellous place, and this is one of the most moving, beautiful pieces of music I have ever heard. If it wasn't, then I think this a rather shouty piece of nothing." DEMI GIVES IT: 2/10.

"ONCE again, I am reminded how far behind the times Motorhead is when it comes to up-to-the-minute sounds. I love the way they are singing about the Dalai Lama, although perhaps they could have dressed in simple robes to accentuate the peaceful message of the song. I remember the time I stopped one of our gigs in full flow and asked the audience to turn to the person on their immediate left and say something truly inspirational to them. The level of blood spilled and bottles thrown that day always comfirms to me that I made them examine the most passionate part of their souls at that moment." LEMMY GIVES IT: 7/10.

PORTUGAL: 'Danca Conmigo' performed by SABRINA

"IF THIS woman thinks she can dance, she should see me hit the floor after a few tequilas. I imagine that, with Portugal being so close to the sea, this woman probably smells of fish and this repelled people from putting her through to the final. That, and the rather uninspiring song she is singing." DEMI GIVES IT: 4/10.

"THIS is a jolly one! Dan-ca Con-meee-go, ooh... I can just picture myself dancing around the sofa to this one, dodging the bits of the telly which the vicar blew up. How can this beautiful woman have not progressed any further? As recompense, I will fly to see her in Portugal with a few of my own outfits and we can have a fun night in, trying clothes on, drinking Lambrini and watching the Sex and the City boxset." LEMMY GIVES IT: 8/10.

NORWAY: 'Ven a Bailar Conmigo' performed by GURI SCHANKE

"THIS woman is clearly in her early seventies, but finds it necessary to parade about on stage. It makes me feel quite sick that some women believe flaunting their body in such a fashion is the way to progress their career. I have even seen some women almost naked on some magazine covers. Disgusting. There are some confusing parallels between this song and the Portuguese one, which means they may have cancelled each other out." DEMI GIVES IT: 5/10.

"OH DEAR, her costume change went awry. I hate it when that happens. I had planned one for an appearance at an outdoor rock festival, but for some reason, when I asked one of the lads to check if he could see the concealed cotton pant suit beneath my leather jacket and trousers, he proceeded to wrench said pant suit from beneath my clothes and wrap them tightly around my neck. Perhaps he thought my neck looked cold. But the Norwegian song is quite jolly, even if the title sounds like the Portuguese one." LEMMY GIVES IT: 6/10.

MALTA: 'Vertigo' performed by OLIVIA LEWIS

"YOU need a head for heights if you're going to have the level of international success that I have enjoyed, so for Olivia Lewis to start getting giddy when she spies a gentleman she fancies shows her up as being rather wet. If she were me, she would sing 'Loving you gives you the right to approach me if you have the courage and ascertain if I am available for a date.' I am sure these lyrics could have been made to fit the tune, and if Olivia had shown a touch more headstongedness, the audience would have appreciated it and sent her in to the final." DEMI GIVES IT: 6/10.

"I DON'T like height either, and I had to shut my eyes while this one was on in case I got nervous and fell off the couch. Olivia isn't the best live singer in the world, I'm afraid to say, but then I don't know how far off the ground the stage is, and she may be scared. However, this is a very good, well structured song. I know my very good showbiz friend, Sir Cliff Richard, doesn't like heights, and if anyone ever asks him to go up a ladder, he hits them over the head with a Bible." LEMMY GIVES IT: 8/10.

ANDORRA: 'Salvem El Mon' performed by ANONYMOUS

"WHO are these young boys? Mmmm, this is by far the best performance of the evening, even though I don't have the faintest idea what they are singing about. It is important that such young lads get to meet their Auntie Demi at the earliest opportunity so that I can advise them of the best ways to manage their career, agents, fees, etc. It is only fair that, in order to give them my full attention, I ask them to come round on a night when Ashton is busy doing other things." DEMI GIVES IT: 9/10.

"WHY, they are a bit like those jolly boys McFly. I know their music is always very popular at school disco time, although I do find some of their guitar solos a touch frenetic. This is a very good song, and I am very surprised it has not made it through to the final proper. It makes me feel like growing my hair and wearing white trainers with jeans, but I know such rebellious behaviour would only lead to me being gounded. Where is Andorra, by the way?" LEMMY GIVES IT: 9/10.

ESTONIA: 'Partners in Crime' performed by GERLI PADAR

"GERLI is a brave girl, singing so openly about her partners in crime. We tend to keep quiet about such things in Hollywood. This song sounds like it should be far more exciting than it actually is, but isn't a complete loss. To add a bit of spice, she should have had a member of LAPD waiting side of the stage to arrest her after her onstage confession." DEMI GIVES IT: 7/10.

"I CANNOT condone criminal behaviour, no matter how well choreographed it is. Just the other day I walked out of my house to find that somebody had stolen the day-glo plastic bobble off my car ariel, which enables me to identify my vehicle in a crowded supermarket car park. It put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day, and I am ashamed to say I ended up being rude to a member of the Townswomen's Guild in Asda's car park when I couldn't find the car, laden with shopping. I hope Gerli thinks twice before singing songs like this in future." LEMMY GIVES IT: 4/10.

BELGIUM: 'Love Power' performed by THE KRAZY MESS GROOVERS

"EVEN I have to confess that this is a very good song. I could imagine Liza Minelli dancing to this with a gay man who wants to marry her while coked up to the eyeballs in Studio 54. It is a disgrace that this song did not go forward to the Eurovision final, and if I were a Belgian, which I thankfully am not, I would close the Atomium to all visitors until the matter was resolved, and perhaps promise to erect a statue of me outside the EU Parliament to sweeten the deal." DEMI GIVES IT: 10/10.

"SUCH super fun! When the vicar heard this, he dived through my living room window, which wasn't open, to join me for a good boogie around the coffee table. For the second successive year, the Belgians have failed to take a rather good floorfiller through to the Eurovision final, and I have to say I feel their pain. The other night, I lost the chair which you sit the heads on and turn the handle to make the hair grow in Play Doh Barber Shop and I had the whole house up looking for it. I still haven't found it. I'm devastated." LEMMY GIVES IT: 10/10.

AUSTRIA: 'Get a Life, Get Alive' performed by ERIC PAPILAYA

"GET A life is a phrase I often use when speaking to film producers who do not think me suitable for their latest picture. These fools will never learn, and think they will have more success by casting the likes of Halle Berry and Bella Emberg in roles I have gone after. Eric, who sings this, does know how to belt out a tune with gusto, although I am concerned how one so young can have succumbed to baldness so early. As this reminds me of my first husband, Bruce Willis, I am forced to mark Mr Papilaya down." DEMI GIVES IT: 7/10.

"ERIC is a very good singer, but I feel the AIDS message may have been a little too heavy handed for this song to progress further. I know what it is like when you try to fit a message into your songs. I once changed the lyrics of the second verse of Ace of Spades to bring attention to plans to demolish a beautiful wishing well in our village green to make way for a 24-hour key cutters and shoe reapirers. I think I got through to the crowd, as many of them journeyed to the well and proceeded to urinate on it, thus dissuading the developers from going near it with their bulldozers. I have never been prouder of our fans." LEMMY GIVES IT: 7/10.

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