By Lissie
Hi angels!
I know I've posted this in other places, but in case anyone has missed it, here it is. I posted this under another name a few weeks ago. This is still Part 1, but it's been edited and extended by about 6 pages, so enjoy, if you haven't already! *g*...and let me know what you think ;).
Lissie
Part 1
I’m sitting here enjoying my lunch with Chloe at Kelly’s Diner. It’s a normal outing. I love Chloe. I do, really, but I have this strange feeling that I should savor our moments together. I don’t think we last much longer. I don’t know why I feel like this, but it saddens me. For awhile I thought Chloe was the one I would spend the rest of my life together. I’ve been looking for that kind of love since Brenda died. In a way I think I’ve been trying to replace that love. Not that I’m trying to replace Brenda with Chloe, they’re completely different and I wouldn’t want them any other way.
But I’ve been thinking about Brenda a lot lately. It’s been almost two years to the day that I lost her. I used to think that as time went by that it would get easier to live without her. For awhile it was. But lately I feel her presence around me more than I used to and I have this urge to reach out, touch her, and hold her. I can’t of course, but that doesn’t stop me from hoping.
Chloe is talking about a new design of hers. I’m sure it will be a hit. I’m proud of her and her designs, she lights up when she’s working. I like to make her happy. I like to know that I can still make someone smile.
Something catches my eye behind Chloe. I must be crazy. A female figure darts behind the potted tree as soon as I make eye contact. She had sunglasses on, but my instincts tell me she was watching me. Intently. It’s her profile that gets to me. It looks almost like Brenda’s. I can’t help it, I get up to get a closer look.
Chloe looks at me worriedly and tells me to sit down. I can barely hear her and I shrug her off. I keep moving to the plant. I have to find out for myself if the impossible is the possible. With Brenda, I’ve learned, that the impossible can be real. I must find out.
I reach the plant. I look around. No sign of the girl. I must be going crazy. That’s all I can say to explain it. My heart was following my miracle dream. It hurts like hell. Just for a second I believed and now I feel like I lost her all over again.
“Jax? Are you okay?” Chloe asks me, worriedly.
“I’m fine. Really. I thought I saw I someone I knew.”
“There’s no one here.”
“There was.” I make an attempt to explain, that I know doesn’t make sense.
I look around the area to find any evidence that I didn’t imagine the mystery person. And then I see it. My charm. My aboriginal charm. The one I got from Thomas. The one I gave to Brenda. The one that was supposed to be forever lost at sea with Brenda. I pick it up carefully. I must be hallucinating, but I don’t want it to end.
There’s no doubt. It’s the same charm. I pray that it bring me good luck again.
“Brenda! Brenda!” I start shouting over and over at the top of my lungs, hoping wherever she’s gone she’ll come back. I look all over the area, the plant, the other plants, down the alley. I run down one and down another until I come to a dead end. It’s no use. She’s disappeared.
“Jax, come sit down, please.” Chloe tells me. She looks at me as if she’s worried. As if she’s afraid I’ve gone crazy.
“She was here, I swear I saw her.” My attempt to explain only causes more worry to cross Chloe’s face. I want to rid her of the worry, but I have to find Brenda first.
“Jax, Brenda’s dead. She’s gone. She’s not coming back,” Chloe explains to me slowly as if I’m a little kid.
“No,” I argue, “I found this.” I show her the charm, as if it’s presence would solve all of her questions.
“What is that?”
“My aboriginal charm.”
“It’s a very nice charm. What does it have to do with Brenda?”
“I gave it to her. She always had it with her, always.”
“I’m sure she cherished it, but you can’t possibly think that is the one you gave her.” She’s trying to reason with me, trying to make sure I’m not really losing my sanity. There’s nothing I can do to convince otherwise.
“It is. It’s a one of a kind. Thomas made it for me. See, look here, these are his initials.” I show it to her as if that’s proof enough.
“I still don’t understand.” I forget, she doesn’t know mine and Brenda’s history. That was something I didn’t always open up about. It hurts too much.
“This is supposed to be lost at the bottom of the sea. If it’s here, then that must have been Brenda I saw.”
“Jax, I think we need to get you home. I’ll call Ned and Alexis and we’ll all talk this over, okay?” I see this something she really wants to do, so I nod yes. She gives me a smile of relief and starts dialing on her cell phone.
I hear a rustling behind me, and turn to see movement among the trash cans at the end of the alley. I also hear sobbing. Sobbing that breaks my heart because I recognize it. It’s Brenda’s.
“Brenda?” I say as I move closer to the cans.
I see her move to the corner end of the wall, behind the largest trash can. Like she could do anything to stop me now. I immediately close the space between myself and the can and quickly move it aside.
There she is. All curled up in the corner, sobbing. I just want to take her in my arms and wipe all her tears away. Forever.
“Brenda?” I ask as I kneel before her. She looks so fragile, I can only imagine what she’s been through these last two years. I want to know, but later. I need to touch her to make sure she she’s real.
She nods her head yes to answer my question. I remove her sunglasses so I can see into her beautiful eyes. Eyes that I have missed gazing into. Eyes that I have always lost myself in, and now is no exception. I see warmth, pain, sorrow, confusion, and hope in those eyes. These big brown hazel eyes that can see right into my soul that I thought I’d never see again.
My fingers gently graze her cheek as the glasses are removed. Her skin is so smooth. Just as I remember it. I have to touch it more. I bring both my hands up to cradle her face. She closes her eyes as if she’s savoring the feel of my hands on her, just as I am. I try to wipe her tears away with my thumbs. She places her hands on my wrists. She moves them so that her hands are over mine. I pull her hands into mine and hold them there. I bring her hands to my chest and hold them against my heart.
I can’t hold it in any longer. I start weeping. In relief, shock, happiness, I don’t know. I just can’t stop.
“Brenda. It’s really you.”
She nods yes again. I realize she hasn’t said a word.
“Are you okay?”
“Oh Jax. I’m so sorry.” She says before she wraps her self around me. Her arms are around my back, her face buried against my chest.
“Sweetheart, no, you have nothing to be sorry for. My God! You’re alive.” I pull her closer to me, hoping I’m not crushing her. I never want to let her go. Never again.
She can’t stop sobbing. I’m afraid I won’t stop either. When did I get so many tears to cry?
“I didn’t want it to be like this.”
“Like what?”
“I didn’t want you to see me like this, hiding behind trash cans.”
“Why are you in the behind these cans? You don’t need to hide from me.”
She looks at me then breaks into more sobs. I guess that was the wrong thing to say. I hold her tight and smooth her hair as she buries her face against my chest again.
I don’t want her thinking about trash cans again so I pick her up and cradle her to my body. She doesn’t resist as she wraps her arms around my neck.
“Thank you.” She says, but I tell her that there are no thanks needed.
Having her in my arms again is like heaven. I start to walk back to Kelly’s when I realize that Chloe is no longer around. She’s left me to deal with this myself, and I know she’s right to do that. I just hope she’s not too hurt. I’ll have to talk to her later.
I also don’t know where I’m walking to. Where can I take her? The penthouse is out, her cottage is out, Kelly’s boarding rooms are full...the Quartermaines. I’ll take her to the Quartermaines. They’re as much her family as anyone.
“Oh My God! Hannah....” Liz says as she leaves the outside customers that she was tending to see what was wrong. The closer she comes, the more realization strikes her face, “That’s not Hannah...it’s Brenda,” she whispers.
I nod yes. “Can you keep it quiet? I don’t know what’s happened to her and I don’t want a lot of people bothering her right now.”
“It’s okay Jax, I can handle people.” Brenda reassures me, but I won’t listen. The more I look at her, the more I realize that she’s exhausted.
“Of course. No one will find out from me. You take care of her.” Liz said with a tender smile on her face. I know she’s been going through her own ordeal with Lucky, I imagine she understands what I’m going through.
I go around Kelly’s the back way to my car. I gently place her in the passenger side and make sure she is buckled into her seat.
“Where are you taking me?” She asks when I’m settled in the car.
“Where would you like to go?”
“I don’t know. Everything’s changed.”
“I haven’t”
“Yes you have. It’s obvious that you’re with Chloe Morgan. You’ve probably forgotten all about me.”
“Brenda, about Chloe...”
“I know you thought I was dead. I don’t blame you.”
“I haven’t forgotten you.” She turns her head away from me. I stroke the side of her face so she looks at me. I can see it in her eyes, the desire is still there. She can’t resist my touch, just like I can’t resist touching her. “I’ve missed touching you. Feeling your soft skin against mine. I’ve missed kissing you, and making love to you, I’ve missed the talks we used to have, the fun we used to have, I’ve plain just missed you. I haven’t forgotten a second of you in my life.”
“Jax...”
I can see her trying to wrestle with her mind on whether or not I’m telling the truth. I need for her to know that I am. I cup her face in my hands and gently place my lips on hers. She tasted sweeter than I imagined, and I couldn’t get enough of her. I loved the passionate way she responded to me. I always had. My intentions had been good, but as soon as our lips touched, I wanted more. I deepened and deepened the kiss until we were both so out of breath we had to come up for air.
“Jax, that was...”
“Amazing.” I finished.
“Uh huh.” Was all she could say. And I felt somehow arrogantly pleased. And overjoyed to have been able to kiss her again.
“But, Jax...”
“But, nothing Brenda. I haven’t forgotten you. I love you. Do I need to prove it again?”
“Well...I wouldn’t mind...”
That was it. I had to kiss her again. I couldn’t resist. I kissed her deep and hard trying to prove to her how much I missed her and loved her. She broke away breathless.
“You believe me now?”
She shook her head yes, but I know she still had some doubts. I hoped I could ease those doubts once I got her to talk about what had happened to her.
Minutes later we are still sitting in Kelly’s parking lot. Brenda and I. Together. It’s
a miracle I don’t understand. And one she seems unwilling or unable to explain. The
magic from the kisses we just shared still linger on my lips and elsewhere through my
body. I want to know if she can still feel the magic too, but she’s changed. She’s
distant from me. I don’t understand.
She wants to go to some motel at the end of Charles Street. She says that is where she has been staying and that is where all her things are. I won’t let her go. It is one of the seediest places in town, if not the seediest. It is also a dangerous place. She isn’t going to be staying there any longer.
“Where am I going to go Jax? There isn’t any place left for me. Kelly’s is full. You live with Chloe in your penthouse. My cottage is sold. Life went on and I don’t exist anymore.”
“How do you know all of that?”
“I’ve been in town for a few days. It’s enough to find these things out.”
“Why didn’t you come to me when you first came to town?”
“It’s been two years. I didn’t want to interfere with your life.”
“Brenda, you’re never an interference.”
“But you have moved on. I know you married Alexis Davis and I know you’re involved with Chloe. I have eyes, I can read the gossip magazines.”
“Why read the magazines when you could have come here to see for yourself?” I snap at her. I know I shouldn’t it’s not going to make things any easier, but I want to know. I need to know why she couldn’t come straight to me.
“I couldn’t.” She starts to speak some more, but I can tell she is having problems getting out what she wants to say. I immediately regret having snapped at her. I want to make it easier before, but I don’t know how. I reach over and place my hand on her thigh and rub it comfortingly. She looks at me, and I can see tears forming in her eyes ready to fall on her already tear-stained cheeks. I won’t ask her again until she’s ready to tell me.
We can’t sit here in the parking lot of Kelly’s all day. I find it uncomfortable, and I’m sure she does too. I start driving. Just driving, taking her where I think she needs to be. The Quartermaines, whom she has considered as her surrogate family. I know a talk with Lila would do her a world of good.
I hear her sniff and see her wipe a few tears from her face. It breaks my heart to see her like this. I don’t understand why. I want to know why.
“Brenda, you know you can tell me anything, right?”
She nods her head yes, and I feel relieved. When she wants to or when she can, I know she’ll tell me everything. She needs time. I can give her that.
“Where are you taking me?” She asks again. Her eyes are wide and she looks so lost. Why? I need to reassure her. I want to take to make her feel she belongs, and not lost.
“I thought we’d go to the Quartermaines, unless you want to go somewhere else. Lila would love to see you. I’m not taking you to that damn trashy motel.” She seems to understand, but at the mention of the motel she looks away.
“How is Lila these days?” she asks when she finally looks my way again.
“She’s doing good. She’s still putting up with Edward and that crazy family of hers. I don’t know how she does it, but she does.” I continue talking, sensing that she just wants to hear talking, or maybe it’s my voice. Whatever it is, she seems to be more comfortable as long as I talk. “She’ll be happy to see you.”
“I will be too. I’ve missed her. How’s Ned and Emily?”
“Ned’s Eddie Maine again. He’s engaged to Alexis...” I begin, ready to ramble off the last few years for her if that’s what she wants.
She interrupts me, “I know all of that, that was in the magazines. Does he like being Eddie again? Does Alexis mind? Does Alexis make him happy? Does he see Brook Lynne often?”
“Ned had to be persuaded to be Eddie again, but I think he likes it. Alexis likes to watch him perform, and yes she keeps him very happy when she’s not driving him crazy.” Like someone else I used to know I think and glance over at her.
“Did you like being married to her?” She fidgets with her hands. She’s nervous.
“To Alexis?” She nods yes. What can I say? Alexis has been like a lifeline to me these past few years. “Yes, I liked being married to Alexis, but it was a marriage in name only. We got married because...”
“I know why. It was something about trying to trick Chloe’s aunt or something. Ned married Chloe also. I just wanted to know if you were happy.”
I smile at her. She’s making sure I was taken care of while she was gone. “I like Alexis a lot. I came to know very well while we were married. I consider her to be one of my best friends in the world. I would do anything in the world for her, and I know she would do the same. Ned’s a lucky man to have her.” I don’t know why, but I emphasize that last sentence for her.
“I’m glad you had someone like her around.”
“Did you have anyone around you?” I ask, not sure if I want to know the answer, but knowing I need to know.
“I have Daniel.” She says this quietly and seems unwillingly to elaborate.
“Does this Daniel make you happy?” I find myself barely able to get these words out. I don’t even know who this guy is or what he means to Brenda, and I feel a twinge of jealousy and guilt. Jealousy because he was there for her and guilt because I wasn’t. I wonder if this is how she feels when she sees me with Chloe, or even Alexis. I shouldn’t dwell on these thoughts too much. There’s too much “the way things are” versus “the way things were or could be” in this kind of thinking. A man could go crazy like this.
“He does what he can,” she still seems unwillingly to explain any farther.
She has a another life somewhere else, what is her purpose for coming here if she didn’t plan on making any contact with anyone?
“Brenda why are you here?”
“I had to make sure the magazines were right. That you were happy and had really gone on with your life. I swear I didn’t mean to interrupt your life. I was just going to see you for a second and leave.”
Realization hit me when I asked her, “You weren’t even planning on talking to me, were you?” And it hurt to say it, because he knew it was true.
She confirmed his theory when she shook her head no. “No, I wasn’t planning on coming to you. I was going to see you once from a distance to convince myself that you really were okay, but once wasn’t enough. I couldn’t stop myself from watching you. I wanted to talk to you, but I couldn’t get the courage up.”
“Why not? This is me, Jax., your husband. You can tell me anything.”
She doesn’t say a word to me. I wish I knew what she was thinking. Then I could help her. I could help myself.
“Where were you going to go when you left Port Charles?”
“England to find Julia. As much as we have problems getting along, she’s never turned me away.”
“Does Julia know you’re alive yet?” She nods her head no to answer. Then I understand what she’s trying to tell me.
“You think I would turn you away?”
“Not intentionally you wouldn’t, but I know I would end up getting hurt eventually.”
“Brenda, what are you talking about?”
“I love you. I can’t stop loving you. If I stay here I wouldn’t want anything but to be with you, but you’re with Chloe. You love her. I can see that.”
“Brenda I love you. Those kisses we just shared...”
“Were just kisses Jax. You have Chloe now.”
There is an uncomfortable silence in the car. I don’t know what to say. Chloe is in my life, and has been for the past year.
“Don’t get me wrong Jax. I know that you missed me, and that you loved me once, but I’ve seen you with Chloe. She makes you laugh, smile, and I can tell you’re happy. You loved me, but you love Chloe.”
I want to say that I love you Brenda, but I can’t. She’s partly right. I love Chloe. Is it possible to love two women at the same time? I picture Chloe and Brenda in my mind, both of them smiling, both of them beckoning me, both of them tugging on my heart. I’m so confused.
“Brenda how did you survive?”
“I don’t know. I don’t even remember the accident. I know Veronica didn’t survive. Can we talk about this later?”
“Sure.” I agree. I’ll say anything to keep her from leaving. If she doesn’t want to face what has brought her to this point in her life, I’ll leave her be. For now. “Come on, lets go see the Quartermaines.”
I had driven up the Quartermaine driveway minutes earlier. Neither one of us wanted to get out of the car. That would mean we would have to face the world. Facing the world meant making decisions. For me it meant making decisions from the present and the past. I wish I knew what decisions she had going on in her mind.
I get out of the car as she does. I head towards the front door, when I notice I’m walking by myself. She’s stayed behind at the car, looking at the mansion.
“Are you coming?” I ask.
“I never really took the time to look at it. It’s so big and beautiful.”
“It is.” I wrap my arm around her and we start walking to the door.
She grabs my hand when we reach the front step. I know she’s trying to ignore the fact that she needs me. Or someone to comfort her, to lean on. Not that she really needs to lean on anyone, she’s always been strong and was learning how to be her own independent woman when she...when she vanished. But support would help through so much right now. But she’s hesitant to reach out to me, and I’m the one she’s always reached out to before. Is it Daniel? If he’s been so supportive to her then where is he now?
She looks at me hesitantly before she squeezes my hand and keeps a tight grip on it as we approach the door. I breathe a sigh of relief. The feel of her small hand in mine comforts me as much as I’d like to think it comforts her.
I can’t help but feel like I want to keep a tight grip on her forever. I keep saying that. Forever. When I think of Brenda, I think Forever. I don’t associate Chloe with forever. This bothers me.
Reginald opens the door. He lets me in. I can tell he’s stunned to see Brenda with me. Who wouldn’t be? He fumbles over his announcement. Edward comes bumbling out of the Quartermaine ready to chastise Reginald.
“Reginald! You must mean Julia Barrett, although I don’t know why she would show her face around here. That sweet dear Brenda is no longer with us and I won’t have you upsetting Lila or...” Edward carries at Reginald before stopping in the middle of the foyer, speechless.
I’ve seen the man stumble over words looking for the right thing to say, but this speechlessness is more than that. He stares, confused. Much like I did at first, I imagine.
“Brenda?” Edward whispered. She nods yes at him and rewards him with a big smile.
“Sir, Once again I present, Jax Jacks and Brenda Barrett,” Reginald announces again. He then leaves the room muttering something about being insulted by the fact that he supposedly couldn’t recognize visitors that came to the house. As soon as he leaves he comes back in the room looking sheepish. “Ms. Barrett, It’s so nice to see you again. I’m sorry I forgot to welcome you home.”
“Thank you Reginald. You know you can call me Brenda.”
“Yes, Ms. Ba...Brenda. It’s always a pleasure to have you here. Are you staying long?”
I watch Brenda smile at Reginald, then hesitate. “I really don’t know Reginald.”
“Leave the girl alone Reginald, “ Edward orders. “Can’t you see she’s exhausted? Gather the family in the den right now.” He turns to Brenda to ask her permission, “Is that okay with you dear?”
“It’s fine Edward,” Brenda says. “I’d love to see the whole family again.”
“It really is nice to see you again dear,” Edward says and opens his arms wide for a hug. Brenda wordlessly steps into them as he hugs her close as if he’s found a long lost daughter, and she holds on to him as if he’s her long lost father. I’m struck by this moment. I know Edward is not perfect, he can be stubborn, a fool, and manipulative, but he’s also compassionate and loving. He would do anything for his family, and I believe he considers Brenda a part of that family. I know that this man has shown more concern for Brenda in the few years that she has known him than her real father ever did in his whole life. I know she considers the Quartermaines her second family because of Lila, Ned, and Emily, but I now know that part of it is because of Edward.
“Ahem,” Reginald interrupts. “Mr. Quartmermaine, the whole family is already in the den. You were shouting at them because AJ...”
“I know what I was doing, you don’t have to remind me. My grandson is a screw up and no one seems to be able to handle him. Make them stay in that room. I want to talk to Brenda for a minute.”
“Yes, sir.” Reginald leaves and disappears into the closed den and recloses the doors behind him.
“Brenda, I don’t mean to upset you, but how do you explain this? You broke my Lila’s heart when you died, I want to know the meaning of this.” Edward says in somewhat of a mock stern voice, that is heavily laced with concern.
“I’m sorry Edward. I’ll try to make it up to Lila. I’ve dearly missed you all so much. I couldn’t come home Edward. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”
“What do you mean?” Edward asks.
I want to know these answers too, and I hope that Edward can get through to her at least to get her to open up to where she’s been. Why is she so much more at ease with Edward than with me? What did I do to cause her to be so cautious around me? What has happened to her?
“You know what happened to Jason after the accident?” Brenda says.
Edward nods yes. I run my fingers through my hair. I think I’m starting to comprehend now. Jason Quartermaine became Jason Morgan after his accident, his former ident*ity completely erased from his mind, or so I’ve been told. I’ve only ever known Jason Morgan. Is this what happened to Brenda?