.In the Last Moment. by Angel of Ice Disclaimer- I don’t own Gundam Wing so all you legal people better not sue me. ^_^ A/N- Nothing much to really say about this fic. It’s sad, it’s simple…it’s Z+N. What more could you want? ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The front door opened as I looked up from the paperwork I was doing. He was standing there, rain-soaked with his beautiful platinum hair hanging limply. I stood up, “Zechs, are you alright?”. I walked towards my husband. I took his hand and led him to the bathroom where I pulled out a fresh towel. “Here, wrap yourself in this while I find some clothes for you”. He didn’t respond. I came back with a clean shirt and pair of pants and watched him take off his soaked clothing and change into the warm ones. I walked towards him and leaned my head against his strong chest. “Zechs, you know better than to walk home in the rain” I chastised him. He was still silent. I turned to him in worry, “Is there anything wrong?” I asked him, searching my husband’s usually stoic face. He pulled me close to him. “Noin-“, he buried his face in my hair. I held him for that moment, anxious as to what was troubling him. Then he looked up and faced me. His expression was a mix of sadness, love and guilt. “Zechs, tell me what’s wrong”, I asked, my voice starting to rise in worry. He let out a low sigh and with a grievous voice, he spoke. “The colonies. Their new leader has declared war just twenty minutes ago”. Those words hit me like a hammer. I stood there numb, staring at him with shock. “Another war?” I asked, “More lives taken?”. Zechs looked at me with those penetrating eyes of his, “That’s not all of it Lu” he whispered. All of a sudden he looked away. I turned his face towards mine. “What else?” I demanded softly. I needed to know although my heart had a sinking suspicion of the words he was about to say. “I signed to fight”. I jerked my hand away from his face and turned away, shoulders shaking. Zechs, how could you? I thought, What about me? I looked up and realized that I was being truly selfish. Peace needed Zechs. I turned to face him, “I’m going to sign up too”, I said, my tone resolute. “No- you’re not” he said firmly, “I don’t want you to fight anymore. You’ve paid your debt to peace already”. He looked away from my searching eyes, “As for me…” his voice trailed off. In that instant, I knew he still felt guilty for the lives he had taken and the destruction he had caused. I understood this but some part of me refused to believe this had to be the way. “Zechs, I’m staying by your side forever. I’m going to sign up”, I said softly. Zechs looked at me with pained eyes and pulled me into his arms. “Lu, not for me” he whispered, “Not for me”. I looked at him, “If not for you, then for peace” I argued stubbornly. “Lucrezia, you don’t owe peace anything. I want you to be safe. Please, stay. For me”. He looked at me and when his eyes met mine, I knew I could not argue. It would be useless. All of my resolves drowned into those icy eyes of his. I bowed my head, “Fine”. The word tasted leaden on my tongue, “Go”. I tilted my head up to face the ceiling, refusing to let the tears fall. Zechs saw the tears and kissed me softly. “I’ll return to you Noin, I promise” he said. I turned to face my husband. “Promises don’t mean anything in the face of death”, I said softly. He cupped my face in his hands, “Just let me go” he said. I nodded and the tears that had been threatening to fall this entire time, came down one by one. Zechs brushed those tears away, “Don’t cry Noin. I love you” he whispered gently in my ear, “When this new war is over, I’ll come back”. I looked at him and silenced his words with a long, lingering kiss. “When do you have to leave?” I asked, brushing my tears away. I was going to be strong about this. “Tomorrow morning” he replied quietly. My face betrayed my shock, “That’s so soon” I said, looking down at the linoleum tiles of the bathroom we were standing in. “I know Noin” he answered. I looked at him, “Then please Zechs, let me have this last night with you” I said, my voice choked with the emotion of it all. He gave a small smile as I wrapped my arms around him and buried my tear-stricken face against his chest. His hair fell over my face as I sobbed into it. I felt so weak, like all the military training I had gone through was going down the gutter but I didn’t care. The tears wouldn’t stop. Finally I raised my head up to look at his beautiful face. I’m wasting time by crying like this. I need every second of time with Zechs. I led him to our bedroom as we kissed and made love for the final time. Tears kept on falling from my eyes and I noticed that Zechs was crying too. My beloved Zechs was crying. The sadness of the moment overwhelmed me but our last time burned in my mind. Limbs brushing against limbs, the wetness of both of our tears, the gentle kisses which would be his last. I savoured every moment of it, running my hands over his silky hair and tracing his features so I would remember them for all of eternity. It was beautiful beyond description; our lovemaking like a fragile song that hung in the wind. We both drifted off to sleep in eachother’s arms. A blissful sleep where the demons of war could not haunt us. One where I would remain with Zechs forever and we would stand by eachother for the end of time. The dawn’s light seeped in through the curtains as I opened my eyes. I looked to my side, empty. Zechs had left without saying goodbye. I rolled over and lay my cheek against his pillow, breathing in his scent which still lingered. A single tear fell onto the satiny white. Then I noticed a piece of paper on the bed. Its whiteness had blended in with the sheets, so I never noticed it until now. I picked it up with trembling fingers. Lucrezia, I’m sorry that I didn’t say goodbye in person. I knew that if I did, I would not be able to leave you. So this will have to be my goodbye. I’m sorry for everything and I’ll return to you somehow. Don’t cry over me…you cried enough in our last moment. You are my light, my love, my dearest friend, my wife. I love you for all of eternity and not even death can stop me from returning to you. Zechs. I laid the note down and opened the curtains in the bedroom. I watched the sunrise, bringing with it a new day. But for me, this new day was shattered and I knew my life would never be the same again. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ It had been three months. Three long months spent staring at the door, wishing that Zechs would walk in. Wishing that I could be in his arms again and we both could cry and just love eachother. The way we had before. But those days seemed so long ago. I aged so much in those months. It harder this time than when he was the leader of the White Fang because my love for him grew even stronger in the past year. With our marriage, with our new beginning…he was my light and hope for a better future. I sighed and stood up, looking to find something that would busy myself for the time being. I found nothing that captured my interest. Finally I pulled out a book from my bookshelf, without even looking at its title and sat back onto the couch. I opened the book but found I could not even read a sentence. The worry was killing me, eating itself through my soul. I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. I threw the book onto the ground and laid on the couch, staring at the ceiling. I put my hand on my stomach. Because, to make everything worse, I was pregnant. Actually, it wasn’t a bad thing. I would’ve been thrilled if Zechs was here. But he wasn’t and I had to face the possibility of raising this child alone. I sighed once more and felt the baby kick gently. Tears gathered in my eyes. I didn’t to be a mother if Zechs wasn’t here. This baby would’ve been our hope for the future but if Zechs didn’t return, it would be the symbol of a shattered future. I stared at the ceiling for what felt like forever. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The note came. The note I had been fearing. It came on a bright September morning when I went out to check my mail. It was wrapped in a black envelope and immediately, I knew something had gone horribly wrong. My hand was steadier than I thought it would be when I picked it up and took it back in the house. I set it on the kitchen table and stared at it. The clocked ticked and finally I gathered enough courage to open it. I read a few sentences of the letter it held and dropped it. It fell to the floor in a swaying pattern. I watched it. I then looked up and gazed outside the patio window. A sunset. I don’t know I managed to get my legs to move. I must have stumbled over but I found myself standing in front of the giant window, watching the sun start its descent into darkness. I heard a choked sob echo through the room and then realized it was my own. With that realization, I broke down. I found myself on my knees, sobbing. I then understand what people meant by heartbreak. I truly felt like my heart was breaking into two pieces, or maybe even more. “Zechs” I cried, “You promised-“. The sun finally disappeared from the horizon, not paying any attention that a woman named Lucrezia Merquise was watching it and her love had died at war. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ For the next week, I lived like a zombie. I ate nothing, did nothing. I neglected all calls and just spent countless hours staring at the wall with expressionless eyes. I was in my own state of devastation. Nothing mattered anymore. I repeated it to myself, “Nothing matters”. My voice was hoarse from lack of use. I almost never spoke in the past week. I cried. Once in a while I would break down once more but even when I wasn’t crying physically, I was crying inside of my heart. Choked sobs that vibrated through my body. Finally Relena decided it was time to really talk to me. She used her extra key and came in through the door one afternoon. Which afternoon, I did not know. I had lost almost all track of time. She walked over to me and put her arm around me. I realized that Relena was the only thing I had left of Zechs and the tears fell again. She held me and I could see she was crying as well. “Oh Relena”, I said softly, “Why can’t I be strong like you?”. Relena wiped away her own tears, “Noin, you are strong. You survived the first war, didn’t you?”. I didn’t agree with her, “No- I’m weak”, I muttered. She turned my head to face her. “No Noin- you are strong. It’s just that- this is overwhelming for anyone”. I listened to Relena’s comforting voice and for once, let the younger woman doctor me. “Noin- have you ate anything?” she asked. I shook my head. “What about the baby?”. I jerked my head up. The baby…of course. I felt so foolish and selfish then. I had almost forgotten about my baby. In my state of grief, I had neglected what could be the only remainder of Zechs’ love. “I am- I am- a fool”, I whispered, “Here I am, crying for myself and I- I ignored my child!”. Relena looked at me, “I’ll make you something, Noin” she said and entered the kitchen. After a few minutes, she came out with a bowl of macaroni. She handed it to me and I ate it greedily. It was then that I realized how hungry I really was. When I was finished, I set the bowl aside and embraced Relena. My tears soaked through her shirt. “Thank you” I whispered to Zechs’ younger sister. She nodded, “You better go to a doctor’s to see if the baby’s still fine”. I nodded. “I’ll schedule an appointment for you” she said. “Do you need anything else?” she asked. I shook my head. “Then I’ll go now. I’ll be back to check up on you tomorrow alright?”. I nodded gratefully and watched as she left my house. I put my hand on my stomach and prayed that the baby was fine. It was, after all, the only bit of Zechs’ love that I had left to cherish. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The baby was fine, Thank God. In the next few weeks, I pulled myself together. I knew I had to be strong. I almost chastised myself for being so foolish before. I accepted everyone’s sympathies, I eventually went back to work. Of course, I never really was alright. I often found myself holding a photo of Zechs in my hand and watching my tears fall onto the glass frame that covered it. I kept the note he gave me in my purse and I carried it with me all the time. It was like he was speaking to me through that message, in a way he never could again. The war still continued although things had died down in the past months. Heero and the gundam pilots had their rebuilt gundams and were gaining the upper hand. At work, everything was about in a flurry. I, of course being in my pregnant shape, couldn’t go on missions but I handled many incoming messages and paperwork. And it wasn’t until four months later that I visited his grave. I stepped foot in the Luxembourg graveyard and stared at the hill where he and Treize were buried. His formerly empty grave was containing his body this time. I made my way up the hill, my legs feeling like lead. I stood in front of his tombstone. The wind blew past me and I could almost hear his voice in it. It was all I could do to not break down at that very moment, in front of his grave. I placed the bouquet of white roses I was carrying in front of his grave. I then spoke, “I’m not angry at you for breaking your promise. And I knew these roses will never show how much I love and miss you but I think you know”. A tear slipped past my eye and I looked up at the sky. “Why, Zechs, why?” I asked harshly, all kindness forgotten. “You’re a damn idiot for dying and leaving me alone! A damn fucking idiot who was no better than Treize!”. After that outburst, I couldn’t control it any longer. I cried. I was on my knees, with my face buried against his cold marble tombstone. I didn’t care if I was disgracing his memory, I was his wife, his lover, his best friend who he had left forever. Then I wiped my tears away and stood up once more. “Our baby’s due in 2 months”, I told him, “I hope it looks exactly like you”. I kissed his tombstone, “I love you, Zechs”. Then I walked back down the hill, not able to be in this graveyard any longer. The wind followed after me and I could almost swear that I heard his voice whisper, “I love you, Lucrezia”. But then, it was probably my own imagination. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Another two months passed by. It had been nine months since he left and six since he died. It was also time for our baby to be born. The labour was hard but I pulled through and I had a daughter. Our daughter, Zechs. She had your hair and your eyes and your smile. In fact, the only feature she had inherited from me was her hands. She was your legacy. I held our baby, who was your likeness. I cried, I laughed, I loved, I remembered. I named her Wind, after you. I knew she would grow up to be strong and determined and loving, just like her father. I may no longer have you on earth, but I have Wind to love. And I know that you’re watching us and holding us…and Zechs, I’ll love you for all eternity. Nothing can stop that. I remembered our last moment. The fragility, the tears, the love….it’s still in my mind so fresh, like yesterday. Your love, your skin, your eyes, your kisses, you. That memory still haunts me, envelops me, keeps me alive. It keeps me caring for Wind, our daughter. You said in your last note that “not even death can keep you from returning”. Well, now, I realized it was true. Because you live on in Wind, we both do. I love you Zechs and you knew that in our last moment and you still know it now. I’ll never stop loving you. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~