Of course I did. I'm not into hurting, I'm into making people laugh. Though, in retrospect, I would do the same joke again. Statistics prove that bears have only killed three people in the last 100 years...but good lord, if you wave a Slim Jim in front of a grizzly bear, say goodbye to your right arm and say hello to being a joke on The Late, Late Show.
Our sources have told us that you actually spent 72 hours in Yellowstone cleaning up trash, planting trees and shaking hands with the rangers. You also donated $10,000 to build what is now know as the Kilborn Aboretum-a verdant hillock of baby fir trees. And on the way out of the park, you also shot the bear in the head.
The incident needed closure.
What do you say to your critics?
Thank you. They've embraced me. Particularly the Sony critic who dubbed my show, "The feel-good movie of the year."
What about the people out there who don't get you?
All we can do is pray for them.
What about the people who can't stand you?
They can blank my blank.
Really? Are you sure you want me to print that?
Yes. I'll spell it out for you: b-l-a-n-k my b-l-a-n-k.
Well said. In closing, you appear to be the rare man who has struck a balance between professional success and personal harmony. What's next?
(Slowly and dramatically, Kilborn stands up and stretches his 6'5" frame. It's obvious he has something important to say. He strides purposefully across his sunken living room and stops in front of his Portuguese fireplace. The tiles are like their owner: traditional, colorful and misunderstood. He stands on a bearskin rug $130, Yellowstone Taxidermist.)
What's next? Well, first I'm going to put on my pants; then I'm going to head to the office. Tonight is the most important show of my life, because it's the one I'm doing right now. I just want to change the world...one show at a time.
Who's on tonight?
Jimmy Kimmel and British hypnotist Paul McKenna.
