By Andrew Vontz--FHM
May 2004
You seem to have slimmed down your already impressive physique. Did you switch to low-carb cocktails?
I believe tequila, which is made from the agave plant, is not as fattening as vodka, which is made from potatoes. So I go tequila.
What sets you apart from the other late-night talk-show hosts?
All of those guys are quick with the comebacks. I could be quicker but I don't say the first or even second thing that comes to mind. I say the third thing--because the first two are meanspirited. Also, I'm the only one who can dunk.
Did that come in handy when you tried out for the Minnesota Timberwolves last October?
As I said to the head coach, "Why didn't you ask me to try out 10 years ago when I was still in shape?" He said, "Nobody knew who you were 10 years ago." I used to be able to shoot the lights out, but a jump shot's like a woman: If you ignore her, she'll leave you--and my jump shot has left me. I did make a hell of a pass though; a one-handed no-look to Kevin Garnett. Only three people can make that: Magic, me and Larry. But I could be wrong.
Did you just want to show up the desk jockeys at SportsCenter?
Oh, that's right! I used to work at ESPN.
What was SportsCenter like?
I kept to myself. One of the producers said, "Look at Craig, he's so happy just doing his job." Little did he know I was ready to leave.
What was the best line you ever used during a highlight?
"Happiness is Bristol, CT, in your rearview mirror." No--that's not mine. Hakeem Olajuwon had anemia. When he came back, I showed a highlight of him hitting a jumper. I said, "Oh, the red cell count is up!" Then he hit another jumper and I said, "Oh, hemoglobin!"
You played college ball for Montana State. What was your best dunk?
I didn't dunk in college. For me to dunk, everything had to be perfect: the lighting, the air, my sneakers. The guys had to wait; I had to travel. I couldn't just do it at the drop of a hat.
Were you pulling a lot of wool when you were on the team?
Absolutely not. I was a late bloomer. I think two of the male cheerleaders were straight, and they did better than I did.
Ever get humiliated on the court?
I threw a no-look scoop pass at three-quarters court and it sailed over my teammate's head. Underneath the basket they always had guys in wheelchairs. Everyone in the arena could see that the ball was going right at the guy in the wheelchair. He couldn't move, and it hit him. When I tell the story now, the part I add is: After the ball hit him, he got up and walked. Yeah!
Have you ever been one for pulling pranks?
I think pranks are a waste of time. We all love George Clooney. I think it's cute that he has a pig as a pet. No I don't--I think it's ridiculous. But I hear he does these practical jokes. Maybe I'm just lazy, but who wants to go to all that effort? Why don't you just say something biting and walk off? That's what I do.
Do you have any stalkers?
There are stalkers. I don't get freaked out about that. I had them at The Daily Show and I have them here. If they're hot, we can work something out.
The show recently had its 1,000th episode. What's the freakiest shit you've seen a guest do?
Last month Jolene Blalock, the girl from Star Trek: Enterprise, flashed me. She's got an interesting figure. The first time she was on, she jumped up on the desk and was writhing around. At the end of the interview last month, I said, "What are you going to do to top that?" She stood in front of my desk and faced the audience, then flipped up her skirt to show me her backside.
Nice. Do you hang out with other celebrities a lot?
I don't rub elbows. I went to Beverly Hills for steak after the NBA All-Star game. I went through the back way because I don't valet. I parked and went in through the kitchen. Kind of cool. At the back table downstairs was Kobe Bryant and his wife. Guess what I did? I kept walking. I don't bother people.
What was the crappiest job you had before hitting it big?
I worked at an Italian restaurant in Santa Monica, CA. I held the wine glasses wrong, and I didn't know what pesto was. When I was hungry and a customer hadn't eaten his manicotti, I'd eat it in the kitchen.
Didn't you also work as some sort of comedy traffic-school teacher? What was that about?
It was called California Comedy Traffic School. Eight hours, you go there, you talk about traffic, you show a traffic movie. This is what I got away with: I would show one of two traffic movies, Planes, Trains and Automobiles or Midnight Run.
Would you do improv for them?
We would play a game. They would have to say, "Hi, my name is Andrew and I'm a traffic violator. I was caught speeding." Then they'd have to say what they did for a living. One guy said, "I'm a musician in a band." I go, "What band?" He goes, "Devo." That was fun.
Your voice is hypnotizing. Ever put your golden pipes to work on the karaoke circuit?
I think karaoke is a big waste of time. I'm a party pooper when it comes to some of these things. Can I give you a list? Karaoke, video games and celebrity poker--I was invited, but I didn't play. I used to play golf but I was so mediocre that I don't play anymore. I'd embarrass myself. I don't ski. I only have one car. I don't like roller coasters. I just want to sit under a palm tree at my house and take a nap.
How much do you bench?
When I was in college, I benched 215 and I weighed only 185. In your face! In your face!
How about now?
I don't know. It's not as much. I'd be lucky to put up 120. I'm kind of atrophying.
