Barney VS the Cylons By Betty Fandom: Battlestar Galactica Rating: PG-13 Disclaimer: Not mine. Feedback: er.br@sympatico.ca Warning: This is very silly. The planet Calypso was a beautiful tropical planet with thick forests filled with fruit trees and deep blue oceans stocked full of fish. The mountain ranges were also filled with unmined tylium and fresh water was found in the mountains foothills. Retrieval teams were dispatched to collect as much food, water and fuel as possible from this beautiful, yet uninhabited planet. On the edge of the southern forest, Starbuck and Apollo lay in each other`s arms after a centar of love making. They were alone in this part of the planet and decided to take this opportunity for some good old fashioned sex under the warm sun. Something they couldn`t do very often being stuck on a piece of metal in the middle of nowhere. Their kisses were interrupted by someone or something singing. "I love you, you love me, we`re a happy family..." "Apollo, what is that?" Starbuck asked as he nervously pointed at a big purple monster. "I don`t know Starbuck. I`ve never seen anything like it in my life." The big purple thing spotted them and skipped over. "Uh a, uh a, hi guys. My name is Barney. Would you like to play with me? We can even sing some songs if you like." "What are you? Where did you come from?" both men asked together. "I told you, I`m Barney. I have been sent out as a secret weapon against the Cylons." Starbuck jumped up and, putting his left hand on his hip and poking Barney with the first finger of his right hand asked, "Do we look like Cylons to you?" "Uh a,uh a. I don`t know,I`ve never seen a Cylon. I was just told to go out and play with them. I was to be a secret weapon. I am going to make sure they don`t shoot anyone anymore. It`s not good to shoot at people you know." Neither Apollo or Starbuck could believe what they were seeing or hearing. "Apollo, you know, whoever sent this thing was right. He would make the Cylons short- circuit or something." "I think your right. Look, Barney, just who sent you out to be this 'Secret weapon'?" "Why the planet Earth of course." Barney told them. Then he hung his head and added, "For some reason the grownups on Earth don`t like me. They said, 'go bother the Cylons, make them blow some gaskets' so here I am looking for the Cylons. Do you know where they are?" "How does Earth know about the Cylons? Are they at war with them too?" Apollo asked. "Oh no, they were on that t.v. show 'Battlestar Galactica'." "TV SHOW!!! WHO YOU CALLING A TV SHOW?" Starbuck yelled at poor Barney. "Hey, Apollo, Starbuck. What are you doing standing around naked talking to that purple thing?" Boomer called over at them."So what if all Earth thinks we are a t.v. show. They sent that thing out to help, now let it do it`s job. Lets just send it off to the Cylons and be rid of it before any of the kids in the fleet see it." Together the three warriors put Barney on an old shuttle, it wasn`t working too good anyway, and sent him off. When he landed on the base ship he came out and started singing, "Hi everybody," and as Barney sang his I Love You song, the Cylon imperious leader`s scream could be heard on every baseship in the universe. ***** A few centars later The Cylon Imperious leader was slowly going insane. This big purple thing, that called itself Barney would not stop singing. Now it was at it again. "Come on, everybody. Sing along with Barney. I love you, you love me..." "NO! I CAN`T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" the imperious leader screamed. "YOU! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? WHAT ARE YOU?" "Boy,you don`t sound very nice at all. I think you're bad." "SOMEONE GET THIS THING OFF MY SHIP!!!!! DO IT NOW!!!" The Cylon centurions then started chasing Barney through the base ship. Barney thought it was a game of tag. Remember now, a 2 yr old has more brain power than Barney and cylons are not good runners. "Tag, tag your it. Can`t catch me," Barney was saying as they chased him. "Can we play hide and go seek when this game is over?" The lead centurion had enough. He pulled out his laser and started shooting. The laser bounced off Barney and hit the centurion in the chest, killing him instantly. "Hey that wasn`t very nice," Barney said as he rubbed his ass. "You should not shoot at people. Someone could get hurt." The Imperious Leader then did something he had never done before. He jumped off his throne, yes he jumped. Imperious Leaders DO NOT JUMP. It`s just to undignified. But this one did and when he landed on the floor the entire baseship vibrated from the impact. He then grabbed Barney around the neck and spun him around. Round and round Barney went calling out, "STOP! STOP! BARNEY`S GETTING DIZZY! YOU PEOPLE ARE NOT NICE AT ALL!" With that the Imperious Leader let go and Barney slammed into the wall and landed in a heap on the floor. Then the Leader ran up, grabbed Barney again and ripped his head off, sending stuffing flying everywhere. Once he was sure Barney was dead he had the centurions sweep him up and put him out the garbage chute. And then the Imperious Leaders laugh could be heard on every baseship in the universe, and even on the Galactica. "HAHAHAHAHA! DING DONG! BARNEY`S GONE!"