Date: Sep 2001 Title: Don't Fall in Love with a Dreamer Author: rita (mommacita1@juno.com) Rating: PG for implied m/m relationships. Hurt/comfort Warnings: None! Summary: Sequel to "Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers" and "Don't Take Your Love to Town". Face is leaving and both he and Hannibal have to accept the truth. All feedback welcome! Disclaimer: I don't own the Team and I make no profit from them; I just like to play with them. *** "Just look at you, sitting there, You never looked better than tonight. And it would be so easy to tell you I'd stay Like I've done so many times." *** Face was on the couch in the living room, fully dressed, when Hannibal came out of the bathroom. He was wearing a blue silk shirt, open at the neck, which exactly matched his eyes. Hannibal couldn't see which pants he had on because he had his usual lap robe thrown over his legs. He was carefully groomed, as always, and Hannibal noticed that he no longer looked gaunt and frail. When had he put on the weight he needed? "Ready to go?" Hannibal asked. "Actually, I've ordered in, I hope you don't mind," Face replied. "I know you promised to take me to dinner, but you didn't say whether you had ... plans for later on tonight, so I thought in case you did, we could have a private dinner right here." "Well, I didn't have any concrete plans," Hannibal stammered, caught off-guard. "I might take in a movie or something after I get you settled for the night. I won't leave until you're asleep, and you know I'll be here when you wake up. I guess, if you want me to, I could stay." "For tonight," Face said, making it a statement. "Well, Kid, I have to leave the apartment sometimes." Hannibal sat in the lounger opposite the couch. "So, did you have some plans for us for tonight?" he asked, changing the subject. *** "I was so sure it would be tonight, You'd close the door and want to stay with me. And it would be so easy to tell you I'd wait. Like I've done so many times." *** "Plans? Well, actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about," Face said. "But let's talk after dinner; it should be here soon." "Sure, Kid, no problem. If you're too tired after dinner, we can talk in the morning." Face shook his head, fighting the impulse to agree. "No, I don't think we can wait. And I'm not tired; to be honest, I ordered in because I didn't want to have this conversation in a restaurant." *** "Don't fall in love with a dreamer, 'Cause he'll always take you in. Just when you think you've really changed him, He'll leave you again." *** Hannibal shifted uncomfortably in the chair. "This sounds like it's going to be a serious kind of talk. Maybe I should stay in all night." Face smiled. "That would be nice for a change." Hannibal didn't know how to respond to that. Face didn't sound angry or hurt or sarcastic or ... jealous. But then he wouldn't be - he couldn't know, could he? Well, if he did, of all people, Face would understand that Hannibal needed a sexual outlet, wouldn't he? "Just let me make a quick phone call and let ... people know I definitely won't be ... joining them tonight." Hannibal got up quickly and walked to his bedroom, ignoring the phone at the end of the couch. 'Smooth, Hannibal,' he thought. 'If Face didn't suspect something was going on before, he sure does now.' 'Did you think you were imagining things?' Face scolded himself as he fought back tears at the confirmation of everything he'd been denying. 'Well, surprise, he really has been cheating on you; and even now, he's just postponing it - probably until tomorrow night, unless he's lying and plans to sneak out tonight once you're asleep.' *** "Don't fall in love with a dreamer, 'Cause he'll break you every time. Just hold on, turn out the lights, Before we say goodbye." *** Dinner was a silent event. Both men ate; their long histories, both together and apart, kept them from losing their appetites in apprehension of a future event. Face might not eat when he was depressed, but he knew when he'd need the energy, and this was one of those times. As they sat sipping coffee, back in their places on couch and lounger, Face opened the conversation. "I've made some plans," he said simply. Hannibal wanted to tell Face that he shouldn't plan too far ahead because of the uncertainties of his health, but he bit that remark back and tried to sound encouraging. "Good, good. It's time for you to start thinking about what you want to do now. I'll help you in every way I can and I'm sure BA and Murdock will, too." "Oh, they already have," Face replied, sounding faintly amused. "I guess I wasn't very clear. I'm not thinking about doing something. The plans are made and implemented. That's why this couldn't wait for tomorrow." He looked down into his empty cup. "I should have told you sooner, but I kept putting it off." He didn't add, 'and you haven't been around to tell anyway, which made it easy to put off.' "Well, Kid, I don't want to throw cold water on your dreams, but I think you should have consulted me. I can see you've been putting on weight, and that's good, and I know that, with that thing in the kitchen, you can care for the cat yourself, but you just aren't ready to be independent. The doctors recommended that when your weight was up you get rehabilitative therapy..." "I know, Hannibal. I was there, remember?" Face interrupted. "Yes, of course you were. It's just that you're so quiet, I'm never quite sure you're paying attention." "I was. And I did. I guess you've never tried to reach me between 1:00 and 3:30." "Ah...hmm. I guess not." Hannibal was visibly shocked. "I guess you have implemented your plans. But BA and Murdock are at work then. How do you get to the hospital?" "The first appointment, they both took time off and took me in BA's van. I was supposed to go three times a week and Murdock went with me by taxi for the rest of that first week. One of the first things they taught me was how to get in and out of a car and breakdown and buildup the chair by myself." "Are you strong enough to do that? That wheelchair's heavy." Face shrugged. "There's a trick to it - no lifting involved. Once it's apart the individual pieces aren't heavy." He paused to gather his thoughts, wondering how much to spring on Hannibal at once. "Anyway, I only had to do that for a month and most of the cabbies did it for me anyway." "You quit after a month? Face, I don't think that was such a good ..." Hannibal began, frowning. "I didn't say I quit. I meant I only had to take a taxi for a month." At Hannibal's baffled look, he said, "Come with me. I'll show you." Pushing the lap robe off and he flipped himself into his wheelchair with an ease Hannibal had never seen, and snagged a jacket from a low hook Hannibal hadn't noticed before. 'Where was the concerned spouse of the handicapped man when these changes happened?' A sarcastic voice in his head asked him. He answered defensively, 'I did all the heavy lifting for him so he didn't need to make changes.' The first voice replied snidely, 'Or so he couldn't. How was he supposed to manage when you weren't around if you did everything for him and changed nothing for his convenience?' At the door Face turned to Hannibal, who had risen but not moved. "Are you coming?" he asked, shrugging into the jacket. "Sure, Kid. But where are we going?" Hannibal asked, hurrying to get his own jacket and catch up with the younger man, who was already through the door and wheeling down the hall. "You'll see," Face said, smiling mysteriously as he pressed the button for the elevator. Exiting the elevator at the parking lot that formed the lowest level of the building, Face wheeled over to a white van with red racing stripes. "What do you think?" he asked. "Very nice," Hannibal said walking around it slowly. "Custom job?" "Yup. BA has a friend in the business. It's used, but as a surprise BA had him paint it to match my old 'Vette." "You have a driver?" Face actually laughed. Hannibal couldn't remember the last time he'd heard the blond laugh out loud. "Don't need one," he announced proudly. "Look." He pulled a keyless entry switch from his jacket pocket and pressed a button. The side door slid open and a small motorized lift hummed down. Backing onto it, he pressed another button and the passenger door unlocked with a click. "Climb in," he said, starting the lift on its upward journey. By the time Hannibal had opened the front door and seated himself, Face was locking his wheelchair into place behind the steering wheel. Hannibal could see the van was equipped with hand controls. "Don't you need a special license ..." Hannibal began, but then interrupted himself. "I suppose you have one." "When we sat down and prioritized what I wanted to accomplish in rehabilitative therapy, getting my driver's license was one of the top items. The instructor said I'd set a record for getting through the course and driving tests. I passed the state exam on the first try." He looked over at Hannibal. "Of course, I had nothing better to do, so I was there five days a week, two hours a day. I put the rest of the physical therapy regimen on hold so I could focus just on this. He unlocked the chair. "Let's go back to the apartment," he said. "I'm not comfortable enough to talk while I drive yet, and I still have things to tell you." Once they were in the apartment again, Hannibal solicitously took Face's jacket and started to hang it in the hall closet. "Uh, Hannibal, it's a pain and a half for me to reach anything that high. Would you mind putting the jacket on that hook?" Face pointed at the hook next to the doorknob. "Sorry, Kid, wasn't thinking." Hannibal hung the jacket on the hook. "BA do that for you? Good idea." "Actually, I did it myself. He helped me lower the rod in the bedroom closet though. Took me a whole morning to get all my clothes rehung after I figured out how to fold them so they wouldn't wrinkle and wouldn't touch the floor." Hannibal chuckled. That sounded like the old Face, whining and complaining about trivial inconveniences. "You seem to have survived the ordeal," he remarked. "No thanks to Murdock!" Face was really back in form. "He would have thrown everything in a pile on the bottom of the closet if I left it to him. Be back in a bit," he said heading for the bathroom. "Do you need help, Kid?" Hannibal called after him. "Nah, I manage by myself when you're not here; I can do it now. Just be patient, it takes me a little while." "I'll be right here," Hannibal assured him. 'And where have you been until now, Hannibal?' the voice in his head asked the older man. 'I work all day! Besides, he can call on BA or Murdock.' 'BA and Murdock work, too.' 'Well, they can get away easier than I can.' 'From a daycare center and charter plane business?' They can find someone to take over; I can't just ask another actor to play my part.' 'And at night?' The argument continued. 'I have a right to a little pleasure. I can't be here full-time, round the clock. Besides, he doesn't even need me.' "Hannibal? Are you okay?" Face sat in the archway between living room and hall, looking at him. "Hmm? Sure, Face, why?" "You look angry." 'And I haven't even told you the news that will make you angry.' "Just tired, even if you're not," Hannibal said. "It's just as well I canceled my plans, I'm too bushed to go anywhere but bed. I know you wanted to talk some more, but it will really have to wait for morning." "It can't wait 'til morning, Hannibal," Face said quietly but firmly. "Why not? What could be so important that it can't wait?" Now Hannibal was getting annoyed. Then his anger turned to fear. "There's nothing wrong, is there? You're not losing more feeling higher up or anything, are you?" "No, nothing like that." Face considered. Could he honestly say there was nothing wrong? "But I'm leaving in the morning, so we have to talk before then if we're going to at all." "Just like that." "No. It's been a long time coming. Face wheeled over to the couch, but didn't get out of the chair. "Please sit down." When Hannibal nodded curtly and headed for the lounger, Face asked, "May I join you?" "I don't want to hurt you, Face. You can't feel anything and you can't move. I could accidentally crush..." "I don't think so," Face said and wheeled over. "I'm not that fragile." "Yes you are, you just don't realize it," Hannibal insisted. "That's why I moved out of the bedroom." "I know. You explained it at the time." Face sighed. "I believed everything you said about how I wouldn't get anything out of being with you anymore so it wasn't fair to me and, sex aside, how you could crush me in your sleep without either of us realizing it." "It's true!" "I know you meant it, but it's not true, Hannibal." "Your therapist told you this?" "No. I know it's not true because I don't always sleep alone and ... let's just say my experience doesn't bear you out." "You ... you're leaving me for someone else? Who? Someone you met in therapy?" 'You can't conceive of anyone whole loving a useless husk like me, can you?' Face thought sadly. "I'm leaving because there's nothing and no one for me here anymore. I'm forcing you to lie to me and sneak around and I know that's not your way," he said aloud. "And if I haven't lied to you, it's a sin of omission instead of commission, as I was taught." He sighed. But to answer your question, no, I'm not leaving you for someone else. I bought a small cabin not too far from here, and BA's refitted the inside and the entrances so I can live there without needing help." "And I suppose Murdock was your interior decorator?" Face laughed again. 'Twice in one night,' Hannibal thought. 'I'd better store up the sound.' "No, I did that part. And it still needs work; I haven't had a lot of time to spend. I had to get strong enough and confident enough to be alone. No, Murdock's contribution was the garden. That's my long-term physical therapy - working in the garden, but starting from scratch wasn't the way to go, even I knew that. So Murdock planted winter vegetables and annuals and perennials. By the time spring planting season rolls around, my goal is to be able to do the planting myself." "And I couldn't be included in this," Hannibal said bitterly. "You weren't here to ask," Face began softly, then halted. "No, that's not fair. I could have made the opportunity, like I did tonight." He hung his head. "I guess I'm just a coward. I knew we were over, but I didn't want to let you know I knew." Hannibal reached forward and raised Face's chin with his fingertips. "You're anything but a coward, Lieutenant," he said equally softly. "You're one of the bravest men I know. You've overcome challenges I thought were insurmountable." It was his turn to hang his head. "I guess it's too late to ask you to forgive me and to try again." Face met his eyes, blue to blue. "I'll always love you, Hannibal. But you love a different Templeton Peck than I'll ever be again - one who can wrestle with you and run along the beach and hike through miles of forest. Maybe you can be friends with this Templeton Peck, the one who's still here though." "I'd like to try." "Will you share my bed tonight?" He put up a hand to forestall the objections. "I won't ask you to do anything more than hold me." Hesitantly, Hannibal nodded. *** Now it's morning and the phone rings, And you say you've got to get your things together, You've just got to leave before you change your mind. *** The service bell woke Hannibal and he jumped out of bed to answer it, momentarily confused at where he was. He was in the master bedroom, the room they had shared for less than a year before he left the wide bed for the smaller one in the guest room. He hadn't meant to fall asleep, just to lie there and carefully hold Face. But apparently he had and equally apparently he hadn't crushed the smaller man in his sleep. The bed was empty now that he had gotten out of it. Before he could gather his thoughts, Face was in the doorway, fully dressed. "BA and Murdock are on their way up. I've just got a couple of last-minute things to pack." "You're really going?" "Yes, Hannibal. I have to. "Couldn't you ..." "No. I have to go today." A sharp rapping on the apartment door interrupted whatever else he was going to say. "Would you get that? I just have to get my stuff out of the bathroom." Murdock had let himself and BA in with a key by the time Hannibal pulled his robe on and made it to the door. "Where's Facey, Colonel?" he asked in a too cheery voice. Hannibal nodded towards the bathroom, staring at BA unspeaking. "I'll go see what needs to be hauled out," the lanky pilot said. As he moved past his commanding officer, he squeezed his shoulder sympathetically but didn't stop. "You stole him from me," Hannibal hissed. Murdock's actions had proven that he wasn't Face's new lover, if physical love was really possible for him now; Hannibal still wasn't convinced it was. "Didn't steal nothing, Hannibal. You abandoned him. I never would a took what was yours if you still wanted it." The black man folded his arms and met Hannibal's eyes evenly. Hannibal wanted to scream that he was lying, wanted to hurl himself on the larger man with fists flying, but the knowing voice in his head said, 'So now you're going to lower yourself to punishing a friend for telling the truth,' and stopped him cold. "What if I told you I still want him?" he asked in a strange voice he hardly recognized. BA cocked his head and studied the Colonel carefully. "Don't lie to yourself, man," he finally said. "You want what he ain't." "That's what he said last night," Hannibal choked out. He turned and stumbled to the couch, sitting heavily, head in hands. "Well, you think about it then. Think about if you can give him what he needs, not if he can give you what you need. I won't get in the way if he wants to stay, just like I didn't get in the way before." The big man moved towards the kitchen, then paused and turned to face Hannibal. "But don't say nothin' if you ain't sure. You say it and Face, he'll believe you. Even if he knows it can't be true." His eyes held the promise of violence if Hannibal betrayed Face's trust again. *** "And if you knew what I was thinking, I'd turn around, if you'd just ask me one more time." *** "That everything, Faceman?" BA asked as Face came through with an overnight kit on his lap. Murdock followed with two large suitcases. "Everything but the rug on my side of the bed - you don't mind if I take that, do you, Hannibal?" Hannibal looked up and shook his head mutely. "And the picture in the dressing room. That's still there, isn't it?" Hannibal cleared his throat. "Yeah, Kid, it's right where you hung it." "Good. You still hate that picture, don't you?" Face laughed. 'Three laughs to remember,' Hannibal counted. He forced a grin. "How could I not, when you told me the old man with the long beard looked like me?" "Oh, and the kitty wagon - can't forget that! I emptied the food and water tubes and cleaned the litter, so it's ready to go. " Face looked around. "Have you seen Buttons, Hannibal?" The kitten had never taken to him, Hannibal reflected. "Probably hiding in his litter box, Face. That's where he usually stays when I'm around." Face whistled and the black kitten poked a tentative head out of the kitchen. "You got a lot done while I was asleep," Hannibal commented. "You could have waked me so I could help." "There really wasn't much to do," Face said not quite meeting Hannibal's eyes. I packed all but one set of clothes and what I'd need this morning when I got back from therapy yesterday afternoon." BA returned from the bedroom with the rolled up rug and walked through the kitchen doorway. "Go on, git!" he scolded, giving the kitten a gentle push with the toe of his boot. To Hannibal's surprise, the kitten didn't run for cover, as it did whenever he came near. Instead it hopped up and started to climb BA's leg. "Why you!" BA exclaimed in the mock angry tone he usually reserved for Murdock. "Face, get this critter off me." Face whistled again and patted his leg. The kitten did an acrobatic maneuver only felines know, bounced once on the floor and landed in Face's lap, sprawled over the overnight kit. All four men laughed and Buttons ignored them in favor of washing the overnight kit. BA returned pushing the kitten's wagon, with the rug draped over the top, to the door. "Give me the keys and the fool and I will put this stuff in the vans." "I'll get the elevator," Murdock offered, opening the door and picking up the suitcases again. "See ya, Hannibal!" he called as he walked down the hall. BA caught the tossed key ring and rolled the wagon out. "I'll meet you downstairs," he said to Face. "Hannibal," he nodded as if to a new acquaintance. Face tucked the kitten into his jacket and turned the wheelchair. "Guess I'd better be going." "Do you need help?" Hannibal asked, starting to rise. "I think ... I think it would be better if we said goodbye here," Face said. "Take care of yourself, Hannibal." "You, too, Kid." Hannibal sat down again. "I wrote my address and phone number on the message board," Face said. "Maybe you could drop by and see the place." "I'd like that." "In a few weeks, maybe; after I'm settled in. If you have time." "I'll find the time." Hannibal rose again and took two steps towards Face. "Face, I ..." Face turned the wheelchair and Hannibal saw his hopeful expression, willing to believe anything he said; just as BA had predicted. "I wish you only the best. It's all I ever wanted for you." Face nodded and turned the chair, continuing out the door.