* The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
* Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* Born free... taxed to death.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Some people are alive only becuse it's illegal to kill them.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* All men are idiots ... I married their king.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
* I love cats ... dead ones
* I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* Hang up and drive.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
* Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the tax department
* Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
* Wink, I'll do the rest!
* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* When there's a will, I want to be in it!
* I love animals...they're delicious.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
* Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
* Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself.
* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
* He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
* A dirty mind is a terribble thing to waste.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
* Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
* Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekasion
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
* Keep grandma off the streets - support bingo
* Leaky Thermonuclear Erection
* Hang up and drive idiot
* Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians
* It's only kinky the first time
* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
* Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
* I want to die in sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* Montana: At least our cows are sane.
* Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an ASSHOLE!
* Friends don't let friends drive naked.
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from.
* Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
* We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" . . . until you can find a rock.
* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
* I'm a corporate executive. I keep things from happening.
* If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
* Hungry and out of work? Eat an environmentalist.
* I still miss my ex- but my aim is improving.
* Honk once if you're Jesus. Twice if you're Elvis.
* Remember when sex was safe and skydiving was dangerous?
* I may be fat, but you're ugly - and I can diet.
* So many pedestrians....so little time.
* Win an all expenses paid trip to the nearest Motel - ask driver for details.
* If you see this van a-rockin' then don't come a-knock
* Feel safe tonight - sleep with a cop (seen on the back of a Police patrol car).
* Traffic Wardens eat their young.
* To hell with the dog - beware of the owner.
* Sex is like Pizza - even when you think it's bad, it's kinda good.
* Join the Army, travel to exotic lands, meet exciting and unusual people. Then kill 'em.
* Welcome to NY. Now go home.
* Don't laugh mister, your daughter might be in this car.
* Fight crime....shoot back.
* Conserve trees - eat a Beaver.
* Preserve wildlife - pickle a squirrel.
* Why can't I be rich instead of well-hung?
* Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.
* This product sadistically tested on gerbils.
* Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
* Democracy: 3 wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
* No Radio - Already Stolen
* Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
* He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
* You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
* Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
* Honk If You Haven't Slept With Bill Clinton.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Jesus Loves You - Everyone else thinks you're an ass!
* You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
* Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
* GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
* All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* I need someone really bad..Are you really bad?
* Rehab is for quitters....
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Honk If You Want To See My Finger
* Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
* If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
* 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
* You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you-:)
* Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
* Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
* My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
* Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
* GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
* Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
* Boldly going nowhere
* Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
* Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
* The proctologist called, they found your head.
* Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
* Just because your head is pointed, doesn't mean you're sharp.
* Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
* Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
* Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
* I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you.
*CAUTION - Driver legally blond