Original production, April 7, 2001 Heartlande Theatre Co.
Stacey Griffin, director
Workshopped; The Sidewalk Theatre Co., Burbank, CA
March 2002
Table Reading; Phoenix Productions, Ypsilanti, MI
September 2002
Carla: female, 27-Melissa Beckwith
CARLA
Surprise! Happy—omigod! Dean! What happened?
DEAN
Dude, I can’t even begin to tell you.
(He goes to sit, but CARLA stops him.)
CARLA
Um, if you’re wet, please don’t sit on the furniture.
(DEAN looks at her, then plops himself on the floor.)
Um…Lookie!
(She thrusts the flaming beer bottle toward him.)
Tada! What do you think, “bud?” Get it? You’re my “buddy.” It’s a “Bud.” HA!
DEAN
I saw my ex-girlfriend in the car next to me during rush hour.
CARLA
Oh.
DEAN
She didn’t even wave back! I figure she’s still pissed about the whole me stealing her cat thing…
(He’s stripping.)
CARLA
Sure.
DEAN
So, I got pissed and I started following her.
CARLA
Dean, the candle’s dripping hot wax on my hand. Could you make a wish and blow it out already?
DEAN
I was honking and waving. I mean, now it was obvious she was ignoring me.
CARLA
Are you taking your clothes off here?
DEAN
Finally, we pull into a parking lot. Do you know where?
CARLA
No. You can’t leave those wet clothes on the carpet. It will grow mold and you’re allergic to mold.
DEAN
Club Chablis! Dayna’s a stripper now, Carla!
CARLA
Wait, is this "Droopy Dayna?"
DEAN
She's not so droopy anymore.
CARLA
They fixed her lazy eye?
DEAN
She had a lazy eye?
CARLA
Yeah. Isn't that why you called her "Droopy?"
DEAN
No, because she had--
(He mimes a large chest.)
CARLA
What an interesting story. Now get those wet clothes off the floor, blow out this candle and make your freaking birthday wish!
DEAN
Oh, sorry, Carla, I didn't...Oh, you did this for me?
CARLA
(coldly)
Happy Birthday.