Jordan and Jon on Oprah

Thanks to Mar for typing up the majority of this transcript. Please don't use this transcript without giving her credit and getting her permission, thanks (Her email is mcbussiere@yahoo.com).

Oprah: Two brothers: a rocking ride to stardom then it was over. For the first time on TV, former New Kid, Jonathan Knight and the terror that drove him down the stage.

(The show starts and you see Oprah and Jon standing by her and it's obvious he's going through a panic attack, looking up in the air, trying to breathe, eyes watering)

Oprah: (to Jon) You Ok, Are you really ok?... Imagine feeling like you can't breathe, your heart's pounding, you're disoriented and you feel like you're going to die. This is how you're probably feeling like right now?

Jonathan: Yes, a little bit

Oprah: But you're going to be ok This is how people describe a panic attack. If you're one of the 19 million Americans who suffer anxiety you know how terrifying it feels, and what it is like for one suffering it to stand here on tv. This is what's happening to Jonathan right now. This is our guests' everyday living nightmare. The fear of suffering another panic attack becomes so consuming that sometimes they can't even leave home. Jonathan Knight knows it all too well. You might remember Jonathan from one of the first boyband phenomenon of our time the New Kids on the Block?... He grew up, he grew up! On the outside he seemed to have it all, but in the inside, many days he was feeling as you can see him struggling today to hold it together. This is Jonathan's first time talking about this on Television.

Oprah: New Kids on the Block were once the hottest signing group in the world. Mobbed by crazy fan where ever they went. They scored 3 multi-platinum albums and sold out stadiums every night. These 5 teen heartthrobs were in the 80's like NSync or the Backstreet Boys today. Their squeaky clean good looks helped sell everything from posters to pillow cases. But behind the scenes, struggling with a crippling disorder, Jonathan Knight was struggling with panic attacks, so severe, so devastating, he could barely function.

(Jonathan starts talking as they show him at home)

Jonathan: The whole New Kids thing was crazy, the more it grew the more I felt like I was trapped. I just always had this feeling inside of me, of always being nervous and afraid of situations. The hardest thing for me was to do interviews, doing talk shows (Clip of Oprah show in 1990 and she was asking him if he was shy), photo sessions, being in the studio, just because you're being with so many different people, you just get shaky, your heart starts pounding, dry mouth... like a little bit like I have right now. The easiest thing for me was to avoid the situation.

Oprah: Over come with fear, Jonathan stayed backstage while the rest of the band accepted an American Music Award

Joe (on AMA's): Jon spent a little more time getting ready for the performance, so he'll be here he's still in the group, no rumors.

Oprah: When Jonathan could no longer cope with the debilitating panic attacks, he up and quit one the most sucessful groups in history.

Jonathan: We were in Spain and it just really hit me I don't want to be here, I want to be home, I don't want to be around this situation anymore, it's causing me so much stress, so much anxiety

Oprah: At age 23, Jonathan disappeared from any sort of public life and moved to a farm in the country where he still lives today coping with his panic disorder

Jonathan: From 1994 to 1997, I did nothing, I slept, and slept, and slept. If I was awake I had to deal with things, do things, and in order to avoid that I just stayed in bed. You go through the whole thing thinking I'm weird, I'm strange and it makes your whole self shrink even more, it makes it worse

END of Clip, back to Studio

Oprah: So, how are you now?

Jonathan: I'm good now, but you should've been backstage in the green room.

Oprah: I think it's brave of you to be here today, because a lot of people who suffer this haven't been out for years. So, the fact that you're here is huge!

Jonathan: Yeah, actually it was one of the reasons why I came. I just wanted to prove that I could do this and it was hard. I just came back from a vacation and my vacation was hard, I was thinking about it every day

Oprah: About being here sitting in this chair?

Jonathan: Yeah and I'm here. I'm fine. I feel really relaxed right now.

Oprah: This is you relaxed?

Jonathan: Yeah, I'm feeling good

Oprah: Ok, did you take some medication to make it to this day?

Jonathan: Yeah, I did this morning.

Oprah: This is you in medication.

Jonathan: This is me on medication.

Oprah: So, when was your first Panic attack?

Jonathan: The first time that I remember, I was just a little boy. I remember being in the church choir with my brother and I used to have it so bad, I'd just pass out in the pews at church.

Oprah: I know you explained it on the tape, but how does it feel like?

Jonathan: I guess the way to explain it, is like someone jumps out on you, and screams. And for me every day adrenaline goes through your whole body, your get all shaky, makes you really tired. When I have to deal with situations, I don't want to deal with I just go to bed or lie on the couch.

Oprah: How did you survive all those years pretending not to feel this with the New Kids

Jonathan: I think for me luckily I was in a group, I had 4 guys I could lean on during interviews and talk shows

Oprah: Did they know you had it that bad?

Jonathan: I don't know, I never really talked about it.

Oprah: Did you know it had a name at the time? When did you know what you felt had a name?

Jonathan: I really wasn't aware of what it was. I always knew the effects, but it wasn't before 1997 that I just like thought something's wrong here, I have to go talk to a doctor. And sometimes you're ashamed, you don't want to go talk to a doctor, you don't want to admit that something's not wrong, but something is different with you, so I guess this is why I put it off for a long time.

Oprah: Some things trigger it, like coming to the show?

Jonathan: Yeah, you trigger it

Oprah: I'm sorry! It made for a bad vacation because you started to aticipate it

Jonathan: I should have taken my vacation after this

Oprah: Jonathan's brother and heartthrob of the group, Jordan, had his own anxiety to deal with during the New Kids craze. We'll hear from him when we come back.

(Break)

Oprah: That was Jordan Knight singing "Give it to you" from his self titled CD. Jordan Knight is very familiar with the fears that his brother still battles. As the lead singer of the New Kids, he too suffered an anxiety disorder that almost ended his career. He was the darling of the group, millions of girls swooned over his every note, but Jordan Knight, felt the pressure of the spotlight just like his older brother Jonathan.

(Jordan starts talking as they show him at home)

Jordan: There was a lot of criticism over, were we talented, could we sing, we were manufactured and I had to prove these people that we were really good.

Oprah: The intense criticism had a physical effect on Jordan and he began having anxiety attacks on stage.

Jordan: My heart would be pounding, my voice would tremble, sometimes It'd be hard to breathe. I wouldn't feel my feet on the floor. Defiantly, during performance I just really wanted to get out

Oprah: One year after New Kids broke up, Jordan contemplated a solo career.

Jordan: I was worried about me being on stage alone. Me putting it all the way and that really scared me and I was like I gotta do something

Oprah: If he ever was to perform again, Jordan knew he had to get help.

Jordan: I bought 2 or 3 books about how to overcome anxiety. One of the tips was to get into this meditative state, just to get calmed and relaxed and picture yourself do what you fear.

Oprah: Jordan learned he had to face his fears of performing one step at the time

(Jordan playing "Broken By You" on the piano in the background)

Jordan: What I did first was just go to the piano bar and just watched and then I got enough courage to actually go and sing a song, but I would go incognito at first, then the next week I'd take off my glasses, then the next week Id take my hat off, then the next week I'd be like to the piano guy "Can you go a little faster" and stuff like that. I think after that I was like "I can do it".

Oprah: "So, would you say you've overcome it?"

Jordan: "To an extent. I mean I'm nervous right now. Yesterday I was really nervous. But for the most part, I think so.

Oprah: You're not feeling what he (Jonathan) is feeling right now?"

Jordan: No

Oprah: Were you ever feeling like this

Jordan: Um, I think he feels it a little more than I do... well, A lot more and he always has, but I always knew what he was going through and I always had compassion for him. And when he wanted to leave the group I knew exactly why and I supported it

Oprah: When you were all performing on stage, were you aware that he was having this kind of struggle?

Jordan: Yes

Oprah: You've been sitting here with us for a few minutes now, you know we're a really friendly group (looks at the audience) Very friendly group. Does that help to calm you?

Jonathan: Yeah, definatly helps.

Jordan: I think one thing also when I was talking about going into a meditative state, doing that daily, what it does is that it puts you in the moment, and you look at eveyone's faces. The best thing to do is to try and be in the moment, to feel, to breathe, take it all in. I wasn't able to do that before, I would just be so worried.

Oprah: But it obviously doesn't work out for you?

Jonathan: No, it works for me, to an extent.

Oprah: What are you feeling right now?

Jonathan: I'm just feeling like I'd rather be back on Waikiki beach!

Oprah: So would we!

Jonathan: I think it helps knowing what the show is about. You know when you go on a show and people don't know what it's about, it makes it worse, because if I sat here and started shaking, I'd be thinking you're looking at me like, Is this kid on drugs? What's wrong with him?

Oprah: If I didn't know what it's about, I would think that, yeah

Jonathan: And I'd be thinking the audience is watching me and that just escalates the thing even more and you just... It just starts....

Oprah: Cause you feel like you're being judged?

Jonathan: Yeah

That's pretty much it... Oprah introduced this girl that went through a special program and you see her going through it and Oprah talks to her and the woman who treated her and Oprah just asks Jonathan once in a while how he's doing and brings up a few things Jordan said.