The following was used as a class presentation and most of the quotes and sources came from previous quotes and sources from my second paper entitled "Courting."

What is dating?

Webster defines dating as, �an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially: a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character.�

Is dating a viable method for looking for: meeting, establishing, and growing a relationship with a prospective mate?

Pitfalls of Dating:

Window shopping � trying on

As Joshua Harris puts it, "The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing (I Kissed Dating Goodbye 75)." If one isn't ready for marriage than one shouldn't be shopping.

But where is the commitment? "If commitment is fed by feeling, then there really is no commitment, because when feelings flee, commitment will follow (Hoef)." Most dating relationships are based on feelings. There is very little commitment in this type of relationship.

physical relationship is too often mistaken for love

"It is just a date," some will say, but a date leads to romance. If someone isn't ready to commit, than that person shouldn't date.

'If you don't want to go to St. Louis, DON'T GET ON THE TRAIN.' Excellent wisdom for us Christians. We should not make any premature commitments by either conversation or EVEN SUBTLE GESTURES (i.e., extended hugs, hand holding, etc.) unless we have prayerfully committed ourselves to this other person (Whittemore).

In dating there is no accountability, there is very little submission to leadership. LeMasters says, ". . . We have gone far in the direction of depriving young couples of family guidance and support as they move into marriage (43)." He adds that, "We have eliminated the matchmaker, or the go-between, and this function has been assumed by the peer group itself (37).�

Dating has often been suggested as the training ground for building a marriage relationship, for learning how to relate to someone of the opposite sex.

Joshua Harris says in an interview in Christianity Today:

We've got to become aware of our habits: the way we view the opposite sex, the way our hearts can get involved and then disengage. All these things we learn in high school we will carry with us into marriage. One woman wrote me and said, "I used to be really flirtatious with guys. And I thought that would just turn off after I got married, but it doesn't (Stream)."

�The problems we see in relationships today�the impatience, the lack of purpose, and the misguided emotions�are all expressions of foolishness. We need wisdom. Wisdom complements romance.

What is courtship?

Is courtship a viable method for looking for: meeting, establishing, and growing a relationship with a prospective mate?

The term "Christian Courtship," or just "Courtship," that has developed in recent years seems to refer to nearly anything that isn't dating, and will still bring about the marriage of two people. According to Webster courting means

to seek to gain or achieve; ALLURE, TEMPT; to seek the affections of; especially, to seek to win a pledge of marriage from; to engage in social activities leading to engagement and marriage.

Courtship is a serious thing. It should be done properly. The focus of courtship is to bridge the gap between friendship and engagement and attempts to used old methods.

"Courtship acknowledges that a father trains his children, protects his children, and then gives them (Watts)."

Young people go to the extreme of courting as if they are dating by getting into serious relationships aimed at marriage. Pastor Brian Watts also says,

They can become as preoccupied with courting as they can with dating, which is worse, because it has the added pressure of the seriousness of marriage. Teenagers do not need the frivolity of casual dating, nor do they need the intensity of serious courtship. Courtship is not the alternative to dating. I believe in courtship, but courting is what a man and woman do in preparation for marriage. Courting is not what Christian teenagers do instead of dating(Watts).

Because of the courting mindset of being serious about getting married, it can't work as a dating replacement. The end result still can be the same.

Alternative definitions of courtship:

Singleness then courtship

Rick Warren says biblically that we have five purposes in life: worship, fellowship, discipleship, service, and evangelism. If we are to fulfill our purposes in life that God has given us, then we won't need to be looking for a mate or have the wrong mindsets that dating or courting as methods provide. We need to live as Brother Lawrence suggest: �Be always with God; and do nothing, say nothing, and think nothing which may displease Him; and this without any other view than purely for the love of Him, and because He deserves infinitely more (Lightheart).� If we do this then how can we have wrong motives in any relationship.

In Joshua Harris's second book he says:

. . . what matters most in a Christian relationship isn't whether we use the term dating or courtship, but that we live for God's glory. We'll see how when we allow wisdom to guide our intense romantic feelings, our relationships are blessed by patience, purpose, and a clear grasp of reality (Boy Meets Girl 26).

Joshua Harris also suggests five attitude changes.

Every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ's love. My unmarried years are a gift from God. Intimacy is the reward of commitment-I don't need to pursue a romantic relationship before I'm ready for marriage. I cannot 'own' someone outside of marriage. I will avoid situations that could compromise the purity of my mind or body (I Kissed Dating Goodbye 46-50).

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you."(Matthew 6:33)

With the right motivation a clear, purposeful courtship can occur. �Are you growing in friendship, communication, fellowship, and romance?�

�I believe that in a God-glorifying, wisdom-guided courtship we have two central priorities. The first is to treat each other with holiness and sincerity; the second is to make an informed and wise decision about marriage.

In courtship our goals should be to grow and guard. We want to grow closer so we can truly know each other's character, but we also want to guard each other's hearts because the outcome of our relationship is still unknown.�

�Courtship is a season for two people to grow in friendship, to get to know each others' character, and to see how they interact as a couple. ...Courtship isn't a form of preengagement. It's a time to consider the possibility of marriage and to seek to make a wise choice.�

Personally

The reason I am not hooked up is that I have not been as focused on my life's purpose as I should have been. In plain English I mean I have not been focused on following God with my entire heart. I want to change my heart and attitude towards everything I do. In relationships I want to have a heart after God first. I would love to seriously, really mean this towards every girl out there:

�I will be cheering when God brings you your husband.�
Boy Meets Girl

I need to consider girls as sisters but also as God's future bride. I am to help prepare them for Him by encouraging and protecting them. What better reason for two people to meet then to discuss what is most important in life, God.

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