Every Christian knows that we are in a war. Does that mean every Christian winds every battle in the war? No, many are lost. Many don't realize what battles they are in. In Proverbs knowledge and wisdom seem to be linked together. (9:10, 2:6) If we aren't using knowledge then we may not be using wisdom. Taking the time to wisely do something means taking the time to learn about it so it can be done to the best of one's abilities. So learning to wisely handle relationships will help to win the battle through growing and guarding other's hearts and your own heart. This is more necessary when the relationship involves affection and may lead to marriage. So how does one handle relationships with the opposite sex? Is it by dating? Some are throwing out an alternative that they term courtship in an attempt to go back to the good old days when things were safer.

Lets take a look at dating. Webster defines dating as, "an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially: a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character." Often whenever two people of the opposite sex are observed alone in nearly any situation, it is assumed they are on a date and romantically involved. Just ask any child who sees to two adolescent people together, they will often tease them about being in love. E. E. LeMasters suggests that dating prepares for marriage, while Merrill takes the position that dating is an end in itself (83). Merrill continues with dating as an uncommitted behavior, sociable, a free activity, exploratory behavior, a status relationship, potentially serious, and a situation. He says dating provides group status, individual assurance, new experience, and emotional maturity (Merrill 83-86). He also says dating "has no necessary commitment beyond the limits of the temporary contact (Merrill 80)." This is good in that it allows one to get to know a greater variety of people without being tied down to one person.

However all this may be good, but it all can be a questionable and problematic. All the benefits can be and possibly should be accomplished other ways. Not many realize that dating is often a part of our matchmaking. LeMasters takes ". . . the position that all dating experience is essentially preparation for marriage. . . (LeMasters 70)." Unfortunately very few people realize the seriousness of dating and thus treat dating as window shopping. They do whatever they want without a thought of tomorrow or the other person. All of this may be good, but having an intensely personal and unique relationship with anyone, whether man, woman, or God, will do most of this. But where is the commitment? "If commitment is fed by feeling, then there really is no commitment, because when feelings flee, commitment will follow (Hoef)." Most dating relationships are based on feelings. There is very little commitment in this type of relationship.

"This (dating) is a characteristically American phenomenon and it is conducted on an epic scale not found elsewhere (Merrill 79)." The greatest argument for dating is that everyone is doing it. It has been accepted as a normal thing in our society. If one wants to fit in, dating is the normal thing to do.

For a Christian, a system about the selection of the second most important person in someone's life, cannot be based on sinful changes in our society. According to Merrill, dating evolved during the first half of the twentieth century and was helped along by various changes including the freedom of the young from there parents (Merrill 80). These changes should not be looked on in a positive light. Young people shouldn't be running from underneath the umbrella of protection their parents provide. They should only leave in the case of marriage (Genesis 2:24).

In regard to dating Joshua Harris mentions that physical relationship is too often mistaken for love (I Kissed Dating Goodbye 35). One-on-one dating should not be started until one is serious enough for engagement or has the maturity for self control not just physically, but emotionally as well. Otherwise a too intimate of a relationship, too early, can cause for many broken hearts.

"It is just a date," some will say, but a date leads to romance. If someone isn't ready to commit, than that person shouldn't date.

Timing is everything. As Joshua Harris puts it, "The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing (I Kissed Dating Goodbye 75)." If one isn't ready for marriage than one shouldn't be shopping.

In dating there is no accountability, there is very little submission to leadership. LeMasters says, ". . . We have gone far in the direction of depriving young couples of family guidance and support as they move into marriage (43)." He adds that, "We have eliminated the matchmaker, or the go-between, and this function has been assumed by the peer group itself (37)." Daughters have lost their father's protection. Fathers rarely look into the back ground of the men courting their daughters. They give very little marriage advice. Young people are left entirely on their own when it comes to the second most important decision in their life.

Dating has often been suggested as the training ground for building a marriage relationship, for learning how to relate to someone of the opposite sex. If this is true then while dating people learn that once they don't like someone they can dump them and possibly take this into marriage. Joshua Harris says in an interview in Christianity Today:

According to Pastor Brian Watts "'I love you' becomes meaningless. It is no more than saying, 'At this moment in time, I find you sexually attractive.'" This is a rotten way of relating to someone else. In marriage one can't be thinking like that, or everyone would be always divorcing. Unfortunately this is already happening and shows how dating is poor education.

"Many romances fail because they are not first of all friendships(Whittemore)." And according to Harris,

Dating is just too defective for practicing as a mate finding system. So what can be done?

The term "Christian Courtship," or just "Courtship," that has developed in recent years seems to refer to nearly anything that isn't dating, and will still bring about the marriage of two people. According to Webster courting means

Courtship is a serious thing. It should be done properly. The focus of courtship is to bridge the gap between friendship and engagement and attempts to used old methods.

"Courtship acknowledges that a father trains his children, protects his children, and then gives them (Watts)."

Children should want all the help they can get in getting to know a prospective mate. Too often young people look with eyes that are blind.

This type of courtship may not be an alternative either. Young people go to the extreme of courting as if they are dating by getting into serious relationships aimed at marriage. Pastor Brian Watts also says,

Because of the courting mindset of being serious about getting married, it can't work as a dating replacement. The end result still can be the same

Our society is in serious trouble evidenced by all the divorces, unhappy marriages, single mothers, broken homes, and children who grow in environments that are not the most favorable to them for mature growth. With organizations such as Focus on the Family, TV shows such as Divorce Court, and an abundance of books on marriage—a search on marriage at amazon.com lists over 82 thousand books—the family is becoming more and more recognized as being in trouble. The biggest problem seems to be relationships. It seems a natural chain reaction that once a pattern is learned, it is passed on to the next generation and if not taught, it degrades even more. If one doesn't learn to how to have effective relationships with others, they pass the same lack of knowledge on. An effort needs to be made to have good relationships.

So I can't date and I can't court, what do I do? People have happy marriages, even with these flawed methods. The method isn't the answer. The heart is. Using dating and courtship as methods means having an attitude that is focused on the other person. What is the goal of a Christian? To find a mate? No. Rick Warren says biblically that we have five purposes in life: worship, fellowship, discipleship, service, and evangelism. If we are to fulfill our purposes in life that God has given us, then we won't need to be looking for a mate or have the wrong mindsets that dating or courting as methods provide. We need to live as Brother Lawrence suggest: "Be always with God; and do nothing, say nothing, and think nothing which may displease Him; and this without any other view than purely for the love of Him, and because He deserves infinitely more (Lightheart)." If we do this then how can we have wrong motives in any relationship. In Joshua Harris's second book he says:

Joshua Harris also suggests five attitude changes.

These are things that a Christian should keep in mind when another pretty face comes along. Any one thinking of pursuing a romantic relationship needs to put their mind on Christ. If one is totally devoted to God, He will provide. Something that is helping me personally to change my attitude is when I see a girl and an unwanted though enters my mind I ask for God's grace to remind myself that that girl is a daughter of God under His protection so I better not think of her as anything but a sister that I am supposed to support and encourage in Christ.

Singles should be focused on working on their character, life skills, and ministry opportunities. God has called young people to be about His work, not the selfish things of this world. They weren't called to be young, carefree, or independent. They were called to be about our Fathers business (Luke 2:49) according to Pastor Brian Watts. Everyone before marriage should be focused on learning how to be better husbands/wives and fathers/mothers. They should be learning these things before marriage so they aren't learning them the hard way during marriage. People should be focused on serving God. When they are single, they can do things married people cannot. They have greater opportunities. Singles are free to go on mission trips without the worry of loved ones. Teens should be busy learning all they can from their parents while they can. (I Cor. 7:25,26, 32-35) One should be praying for one's future mate; that their mate's heart would be foremost after God and not them, and that he/she would be a strong spiritual leader. As Keith Green once put it in his song, Pledge My Head to Heaven, "I'd rather be found dead, than to love her more than the one who saved my soul."

Patience is essential. Every single person needs to commit this area of their lives to God as well as the rest of their lives. He will provide. Trusting in Him is essential. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you."(Matthew 6:33)

Works Cited

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