Oct 26, 2002
Today, like so many other years in the past I was with the one man that I have adored and admired my entire life, my Father. The one man who was always there for me, the one that I looked up to when I was hurt, and looked for when I accomplished something so small or so outstanding, he was and still is always there to give me that look of pride or give me that shoulder to lean on. Whatever it was I needed, as a child or as an adult I could and continue to always count on him. Sometimes I think he understands me better than I even understand myself, guiding me with the wisdom and experiences of his life, trying to catch me before I fell. I’ve found that I’ve always tried to mirror him, though sometimes I find it comes so naturally where my children are concerned. I’ve tried to carry on with my own family the values and pride and closeness that he continues to have with his own.
I’m finding myself in a very difficult stage of my life. Wanting to be so close to my father, this man that I treasure. Today was the first time that it truly penetrated my soul that my father will not be with me forever. Like a huge slap in my face, waking me up to the reality of life. As we walked through the woods like we had done so many many times before, telling our old hunting stories and still listening as intensely and laughing as we had done the first time we had heard it years go, as I walked, I realized it was I who was carrying my fathers gun, it was I who was making sure he didn’t fall, holding on to his arm so gingerly and making sure he wasn’t too hot or too cold to continue. I found myself for the first time seeing the roles change right before my eyes. It has hit me very hard, as I write this I realize that his man of such splendor, is not going to physically be with me my entire life, that someday I will have to move up those same paths alone, how will I do that without him by my side? How am I ever going to stay strong without the strength of him that I’ve counted and depended on my whole life?
As I look at him, his mind so sharp and his body so frail, I want to find that immediate fix, just like he always does to make things right for me. I don’t know where to turn, I don’t have the answers, but I try, with some success to make him feel physically better, knowing it’s only temporary. I pray to God to keep him mentally strong and make him physically healthy. And selfishly I pray that he won’t be taken from my life.
This man, my father, my dad, my companion, I dedicated this site to you, for all the wonderful times we’ve shared in my life, my husband's, and your grandchildren’s life, for all the compassion you've taught me about life, family and nature. . For all the people, my friends that you’ve touched. I love you more than you’ll ever know and cherish every minute that we have together and always have. Thank you for making me the person that I am today. I love you Dad. |
