WORST
CRUISE EVER!
It wasn't my fault, ... really.
Hey, here's a little tip for you. If you get sick on a boat…
eat a can of stewed tomatoes… doesn’t help but it looks pretty in the water.
Anyway ... so I get on the ship for an eight week gig ...go to my cabin ...put my
stuff away.... go back out on the deck - and everybody there, everybody on the
whole ship.... is naked.... naked people everywhere... not pretty naked people
- flabby old naked people. Then I saw
the sign.. big banner. "Welcome to our annual nudist cruise."....
somebody forgot to tell me that.... I'd just bought a new suit. All those
beautiful people you see in the picture on the internet didn't show up. ...the
entire membership of AARP ..did.... obviously from Miami .... not a foreskin in
the bunch.
Eight weeks on a ship with 2000 naked retirees .. things I never wanted to see flopping and
bouncing ... naked old ladies playing volleyball .... that picture got burnt
in my brain!
.....bunch of naked people in a cramped ships elevator
...which, every time it stops at a floor it does that little bounce and flips
things you don't notice when you're dressed. I started to punch the elevator
button and a guy in the back said, "ballroom"... so we all gave him a
little more room. Ever occur to you that elevators smell different to midgets.
Anyway, the first few hours... kinda weird but you get over
it. Got your mirrored sun sunglasses. Sit down with a group of people, get
acquainted, have a cup of coffee... Oh, the ship moves... so hang on to that
cup... don't wanna spill that shit on Mr. happy.
I sent my mother a picture… cut the bottom half
off so she wouldn’t see I was naked. I think I sent the wrong half cause I got
a letter back that said, "Change your hairstyle. That one makes your nose
look too long."
If you ever go on a nudist cruise, here's a few little
tips... like, humor is fine but quickly rotating your hips and, with a little flip, pointing, "over
there"... bad taste. When you're sitting around... and people are standing
around... be careful where you yawn... and, if you're a midget, don't go around
sticking your nose in everybody's business. By the same token, if you're very
tall, don't go around sticking your business in everybody's nose. Also, if
you're standing and someone is sitting behind you, don't turn suddenly ...that
can be a real slap in the face.
If you've been on a ship you'll know about this. The toilets
on a ship are vacuum operated.. there's a very powerful vacuum in all the
pipes. Which means, somewhere in the bottom of the ship is one big damn Hoover…
and it’s connected to the toilet in your cabin. So, there you are, on your first
cruise… you're in your cabin… you have to go to the bathroom, so you go in and
sit down on the toilet. If you happen to be constipated ... not to worry ...
first time you flush it... its gonna scare the crap right out of you - you’re
like… damn… what’d I do? ..did we hit an iceberg?…. you hear Celine Dion
singing that song.... When you go to the bathroom on a ship.... do your
business... then stand up ...then flush it. Never flush that toilet while
you’re sitting on it. If you flush that toilet while your sitting on it, it'll
suck your tongue right out your ass... 8 decks below... down into the bowels of
the ship... and you're gonna spend the next hour trying to get it back where it
belongs. It's a good thing they don't have bidets - you walk in the
bathroom... find your wife splattered all over the ceiling.
The "bowels of the ship" ... where'd that come
from? Ships ain't got no bowels. If it had bowels I wouldn't go in em. You go
in the bowels of the ship, the ship farts and you're outa there .. deep six...
so long sucker...
In the evening you stand at the back of the ship looking out
over the ocean at the sunset, the wake of the ship sparkling in last rays of
sunlight... in the water, the glistening trail of... sewage. The law says it
has to be dumped beyond the 3 mile limit... out where the fishermen go for the
really fresh fish. Flotsam and jetsam - If you're not sure what flotsam and
jetsam is - "jetsam" is just things they throw away ....broken chair,
toss it overboard. That’s jetsam. "Flotsam," on the other hand, is
just what the word sounds like. Anytime you're around a cruise ship look down in the
water. You'll see a flot or 2 floating around down there.
Anyway, if you ever see me playing on a ship, be sure and
say. "Hello." (if you're naked, please don't offer to shake my
hand)