EVERYTHING YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT FLORIDA
I'm a native Floridian. We used to make fun of people from up north who came down to Ponce De Leon springs to buy water from the fountain of youth. Big joke in Florida ... selling water to Yankees. Now, our water is so bad we have to buy water from up north. Big joke up north... selling water to Floridians. They probably piss in it before they send it down. I would.
If you're from up north, please don't feed our alligators. They're not very smart. They think food drops off of other food and if you feed em, you're the other food. It makes them think, "Ummmm, this piece was good, maybe he's tasty." That makes them curious about people, then we have to trap and kill them otherwise they'll eat you, your children, your dog and your cat. It's their nature to bite things that's why God didn't make them cuddly.
The big cats you see out in our woods are called Florida Panthers. Go ahead and pet em... they're cuddly (hehe). They're an endangered species, not many left. So the state, in it's dubious wisdom, decided to imported some bigger, stronger, meaner ones from Wyoming. I guess they figure we don't have enough dangerous animals in Florida and we're gettin too soft. We've got enough bears, rabid raccoons, alligators, wildcats, hornets, snakes, sting rays, jelly fish. fire ants and sharks but, apparently, we don't have enough vicious Panthers to chase us down and gut us. Too damn many noisy kids running around back yards.... Panthers'll fix that.
Our state is home to many thousands of beautiful young women. Please do not remove them. They're for the use of Native Floridians only. Florida is strictly BYOB - bring your own friggin broad and leave ours alone. If it's necessary for you to take one of ours out of state, please return her in a timely manner. As in other states, each town you visit in Florida will offer a few older ones for general use, usually for a small fee.
Hunting in Florida. We have specific seasons for various game, however, you're allowed to keep anything you find dead in the road. Recipes are available on the Internet at www.scrapeitupandeatit.com.
While hunting in Florida, watch for bears. Black bears eat people. Brown bears don't, but will trade you to a black bear for some berries.
Fishing in Florida. Ya gotta have night-crawlers to fish - big fat juicy ones. They come out and crawl at night and that's when you catch em. If you know where they are, you can dig em out in the daytime but they don't like that - they know what's going on. They're like, "Shit, you're going fishing, aren't you? You're gonna stick a hook up my ass and dangle me from a cork.... you sick bastard!" They're not stupid. They're deaf, dumb, blind and don't have a brain, but they pick up on vibes, and if you pull em out of the ground in the daytime they instinctively get that, "I'm screwed, its hook up the ass day" vibe. But you still gotta have nightcrawlers. You can put em in your garden, too. They make fertilizer. They eat dirt. Dirt goes in one end, dirt comes out the other end. Its still dirt, but its better dirt. Worm dirt is better than plain dirt. It's organic fertilizer but doesn't taste like shit on your onions.
Swimming off our beaches. We have sharks. We don't have great whites but we gotta lot of average whites and they'll be happy to dine on you. So, if you see a shark, get out of the water. Common sense. This is another example of things that aren't cuddly.
We have Sting rays. Sting rays aren't aggressive but, if you step on one, it'll sting the hell out of you. They bury themselves in the sand so if you shuffle your feet along the bottom, when you touch one, it'll get up and swim away. Also, it's a great way to find shiny pieced of broken glass.
We have Jelly fish. Jellyfish stings are very painful. If you're in the water and a jellyfish wraps all around you, well, piss on it ... no, really, piss on it. That's what you do. There's something in urine that helps, I think its piss. (FYI - this is an old "folk" type remedy. It is untrue and can cause infection).
We have Barracudas. Unlike sharks, which grab you, pull you down and eat you, barracudas just take bites - not too bad - unless there's ten barracudas.... then you're like an ear of corn.
We have crabs. When your lying on the beach, blue craps are standing around waiting for the sun to bake you to death saying, "Is he done yet?"
In other words, while you're in our state, remember God's Cuddly Rule! ... soft and furry, small teeth, big brown eyes, "YES"... long sharp teeth, claws, spines, tentacles, "NO" - Welcome to Florida, enjoy your stay.