You don't wanna be known as a loser, do ya?... I mean, you know,.... everybody calling you a real nothing person that's just not with it? .... people pointing at you saying, "Wow, what a no-tech, backwards slime-ball." ... everybody laughing at you all the time behind your back?.... course not! So, what can you do? Easy, get a website - I'll build it for you for some money.

First, ya gotta get a host. A host is a group of really smart, nerdy guys and girls with pimples who are boring, never get dates and own a big, and I mean big, computer. They start a company which they give a ridiculous, new-age, techie name like DigitalBirdCrap or whatever makes them feel cool while they rationalize their superiority over real people, and set out to make a fortune hosting websites. In other words, a "host" consists a bunch of geeks who, for about 8 bucks a month, will let you put all your website's files on their big butt computer so people can see them on the internet. None of this is true.

Then, ya gotta get a domain name. A domain name is like www.digitalbirdcrap.com. That's a domain name. Ya gotta get one. I got one.... costs about 9 bucks a year. Actually, you don't really need one. Thing is, if you don't have one, your website address is gonna be something like - htttp://www.digitalbirdcrap.com/yourname/index.html - too much typing..... people will say, "screw that" and go to another website. Yeah, better get one.

Now, here's the hard part. Ya gotta have "stuff".... you know.... to put on your website. What's so hard about that? You want a website, right? Ok, so picture the site you want in your mind. Whatdya see? ..... hehe, you don't see a damn thing, do ya? You know you want a website but you got no idea what, specifically, you want on it. You're saying, "Yes I do! Yes I do!" ....Bull.... all you got's a general idea. Don't worry about it... that's normal. Every website I ever built started with:

Some Guy: "I wanna website."

Me: "Ok, whatdya you want on it."

Some Guy: "Uh, ... well, ... uh, ... like, you know, a website about... uh, you know."

Anyway, in the end it works out, but you gotta have some stuff. Actually, I make all the stuff myself but you gotta know, and tell me, specifically, what kind of stuff to make. I ain't the Amazing Kreskin.

Most importantly, you gotta have some money to pay me with, otherwise, you will begin seeing your name listed at #1in every search engine in the world, plus Google Ads, pointing to a site describing what a deadbeat you are and displaying a picture of your head atop a body of the opposite sex.... a fat one.... an old fat one.... an old Democrat fat one.

The following is true.... well, pretty much:

There are scads of companies offering Hosting services. You wanna get all fancy and complicated? ... gazillion gigs of storage? ... piles of bandwidth? ... weird scripting crap you'll never use? .... fine, we can do that - but for the "average" small business website, I recommend a host that provides reasonable storage and bandwidth (you don't need to know what bandwidth is) and enough simple, idiot-proof tools so that any computer-challenged retard can maintain the site (no offence) cause I ain't gonna be around forever. "yahoo.oocities.com" offers a hosting package for $4.95 a month featuring a pagebuilder simple enough that any 5 year old can use it to build a site that looks as good as any site built by a 5 year old. That means that, aside from the initial setup, design, graphics, creative text, etc., almost any grown-up (and some 5 year olds), with a little orientation, can maintain the finished site without screwing it up too badly.

There are scads of domain name registrars. I use www.godaddy.com out of habit. Is it the best one? ... who knows, who cares... they're cheap ($8.95 a year) ... a domain name is a domain name... there's nothing a registrar can do with it but register it so one's as good as another .... except cheap ones are better... I'm comfortable with "cheap" ... gives me a warm glow.

Continuing on:

So, how do you get started on your website? The first thing you do is send me an email describing what you want. To save you having to type out the whole email, possibly making embarrassing mistakes in syntax and/or spelling, I have supplied the entire body of the email here for you to cut and paste.

start cut here> I want a website <end cut

Now open your email app, address an email to me and paste the full text in there. Now click "Send." Just keep sitting there and I'll get right back to you, eventually. You have your checkbook with you, right? When you receive a conformation email from me it will instruct you to do the following: First, You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out; and you shake it all about. You do the Hokey-Pokey, and you turn yourself around. After you do that, I'll have your website up and running in no time.

(you would never figure all his crap out if I didn't tell ya).