Try to make myself okay
Try so hard to make the pieces all fit
And then smash it apart
Just for the fuck of it
Got to get back to the bottom
The big come down, isn't that what you wanted?
Find a place with the failed and forgotten
Isn't that really what you wanted now?
There is no place I can go, there is no where I can hide
It feels like it keeps coming from the inside.
There is a hate that burns within
The most desperate place I have ever been
Try to get back to where I'm from
The closer I get the worse it becomes
There is no place I can go, there is no where I can hide
It feels like it keeps coming from the inside.
--The Big Come Down by Trent Reznor, Nine Inch Nails
"But you are running away, mate," the Let's-Think-About-What-Just-Happened voice said quietly in the back of me mind.
*Shut up, you,* I told it. I was angry and determined ter stay that way. I went ter my closet and pulled out my tattered bag. Obviously I'd made a mistake coming here. I could go back ter the Academy, see if anyone was still around--
"And do what?" the LTAWJH voice said. "Show the others yer couldn't handle it? Couldn't be an X Man 'cause o'sex problems? Fer fuck's sake, Starsmore! Yer haven't even been on a mission yet!" I stopped throwing my clothes in my bag and sat down on the edge of the bed.
*Yer fuckin' right. Can't go back there.* I sighed. Maybe I could track down Angelo and we could travel together fer a while, like old times. That'd give me time ter get me thoughts together, and we could decide what ter do after that. Just me, Angelo, and the road. Right.
"Maybe Ange has plans of his own. Yer really think he'd just drop wot he's doing ter go on a blind road trip with yer? I think not," the LTAWJH voice laughed. I stood abruptly, frustration nearly drowning out my anger. Nearly. I needed ter think, get out and let off some steam--literally.
I grabbed my black leather jacket and threw it on violently. I walked out the room, down the hall, downstairs, and out the front door without coming across anyone else in the mansion, which was strange all in itself. But it was more of a blessing than anything since all I wanted was ter be alone. And angry. Yeah, it sounds bad, but anger was like a warm blanket ter me. Something I could always count on when my other emotions betrayed me. If I stayed angry, I didn't need ter think about anything else. Usually.
I walked through the mansion's gardens and down ter the dark grove of trees on the edge of the land. The sun was setting fast and the light was dimming by the second, but it didn't matter ter me. I pulled at my bandages, felt them give way, and let them fall ter the ground. I stared at them fer a few seconds, my psi fire illuminating them.
*Bane of my fucking exsistance,* I told them, not really cursing them but myself. I kicked them, then walked through the trees, not really caring where I was going. My mind went back ter Wagner and something stabbed at my metaphorical heart. He'd said he'd wanted ter see where things led us.
"An' yer had ter be an arse and push him away by feeling sorry fer yerself," the LTAWJH voice said. "Yer did it with Paige and now yer doin' it with Wagner. Yer a pathetic git." My emotions overwhelmed me and I screamed then, long and hard, wishing ter whatever gods that may be up there that I still had vocal cords. It would have felt much better, like a cleansing. As it stands, I could only mentally scream, but it was better than nothing. My psi fire raged, swirling about me, dancing around the trees and over the ground. I let it grow, consuming the area around me. It was harmless. It wouldn't hurt anything unless I wanted it ter.
I pushed my fire out and out until I fell ter my knees, tired. It died down with my defeat. I punded the ground weakly and felt drained. Tears stung my eyes and I let them flow, wanting it all outter me. All I wanted was ter be happy. Fer once in me life.