Title: Drinkin', Dyin', Goin' Straight to Hell
Author: hikaru
Band: Dir en grey
Pairing: KaoruxTotchi, TotchixKaoru
Comments: It's done! ^_________________^ To everyone who's commented:
my sis who gave me the idea for the ending, Winterfall, VMint, Mi-
chan, Hikari, SaintAngelius, Devilish (uh.. that's what was written
on your screen name^^;)… to Mizuki, Kyo's (brief) appearance is for
you! Thanks! And on with the fic!
Part 4:- Heaven & Hell and Everything in Between
**
Once upon a time, demons and angels fought over mortals so that
they could bring them to either heaven or hell. It just so happened
that one demon broke tradition and fell in love with a mortal and the
mortal had already had feelings for the demon. However the guardian
angel tried to free the mortal from his love; but the mortal did not
give up and at last, even the angel of the heavens had to back down
and accept the mutual feelings between the demon and mortal. And all
lived happily ever after, demon and angel and mortals living together
in peace and harmony. The end.
Kaoru snorted at the very idea, how anyone could think that a demon
would ever fall in love was proposterous. Really, the very idea!
Demons all craved evil and cruelty, should the love be sin, then they
would devote their time and energy for the mortal but to love them as
angels did? It was an amusing idea that would set the demons into
hysterical fits.
` Of course, my precious,' The demon replayed his words in his
mind, ` I have always returned your love.'
Kaoru laughed, really laughed. His voice echoed through the entire
depths of hell, raising heads and torture stopped for a split second
as his laughter rang hideously of his plans. The demon waved off his
sudden laughter and his followers assumed their daily pleasures
again.
Toshiya was a beautiful human, an exquisite mortal- he'd admitted
it openly to the man. And for once, he'd meant it. Shinya was wrong
only about one thing: that he wanted Toshiya because he needed
another body to torture. Kaoru wanted Toshiya as his slave, that was
true, but his slave *only*. The masterpiece of a human could never be
touched by any other demons because only he had truly noticed the
fineness of this work of art.
Sure, there were other mortals who'd sinned more than Toshiya- but
their souls were already too corrupt and evil, it was of no pleasure
for him to take them under his wings. And for the innocents, being
able to take them was certainly joyful and interesting but they cried
far too much than supposed to and like all things in life, Kaoru grew
tired of them easily.
With Toshiya though, he was something in between. Truly 50/50. He'd
definitely sinned, for sure he had. Enough for the gates of hell to
open welcomingly for him. But there was still goodness buried deep
within his heart and soul that even the human didn't know he
possessed. That pureness was what drew Kaoru towards this mortal,
what made him actually take the form of a human to attract Toshiya,
what made him actually give a form of pleasure to this lowly mortal.
Kaoru smirked to himself, remembering the feeling of Toshiya's
flesh beneath his own, the mortal's heartfelt gasps, moans, groans,
screams, and proclamation of love. Kaoru's smirk widened more at that
last thought.
He had no feelings of love whatsoever towards this mortal but he
definitely had interest in him. He wanted him with a greed that
surpassed anything else, with a lust that would tear the mortal's
body apart from the pain he'd inflict on every inch of his body.
Kaoru wanted him and so, in the tradition of every demon to get his
wishes, he'd lied.
Lying was such an easy task for him, especially for someone like
Toshiya. He was a demon and as a demon, he'd use every trick in the
goddamned book to get the mortal he desired.
Toshiya's heart was of a small matter to him.
` You'll be mine soon… precious…,' Kaoru let his thoughts whirl
with seduction into the mortal's mind.
~~
Toshiya shuddered from the voice. Even after heard it whisper and
linger in his mind so many times, he was still not used to it. Every
time Kaoru's voice entered his thoughts, it was like he was ravaging
his very soul and touched it in places he'd never even thought was
possible.
The man glanced at the angel who slept on his bed, tear stained
cheeks visible to him. Shinya's wings were broken but not bad enough
to kill his guardian, they could still be mended in time. Even now,
as he sat on the floor watching, the feathers were growing out one by
one, the limbs of the delicate wings strengthening itself.
What had made him stop from killing the angel anyways?
` Fool! You think Kaoru loves you?!' Shinya's voice rang in his
mind. ` He's a demon! Demons cannot love! That is one emotion never
and will never be inside them!'
He had denied the angel's words at first but Shinya was persuasive
with getting all his words out before dying-- At the time, even
Toshiya thought that he would pull through with the kill and leave
the angel to die.
` You're a mortal! All he wants is your soul so he can corrupt it!'
Shinya had yelled in between his screams of pain. ` You would kill as
an act of love?! Then you can go to hell!'
Toshiya's face remained impassive as those words echoed within his
mind.
` You can rot in hell! Be with Kaoru in hell!' Shinya had been
covered in all the silver blood and his voice, though raspy from the
yelling, was still strong. ` To actually take a life of another.. go
live in your fantasies with Kaoru! See for yourself that there is no
love for you there!'
He had let go of the wings then, Shinya falling into a heap onto
the floor. Toshiya knew that if he had twisted the wings some more,
the angel would've died already. But he had let go in the last
minute. Because one thought, one rationale had seeped through his
madness, his anger, his sudden blindness for Kaoru.
If he continued to love Kaoru, that would place him in hell. Damned
for all eternity. As a demon.
And if Shinya was right… should the demon follow his wrongs and the
angel follow his rights.. lies and truth.. If Kaoru had lied..
Where would that leave him?
~~
` Ah… darlin', you are so clever…,' Kaoru applauded at the young
man's thoughts. ` I knew you were deserving of being my slave.'
Kaoru's eyes glinted with impatience.
` My precious I want you now… `
` I want you to become my pet… my slave.. follow my every orders,
never to defy them even in your thoughts and feelings..'
` I want you to continue to gaze at me with that mix of lust and
love in your eyes so that I could forever scorn at them…'
` I want you to kneel before me and call me master… `
` I want you to never taste heaven… You only belong in hell, with
me..'
Kaoru reflected back on how Toshiya had seen him in his true form
when he had thrusted himself into the mortal's body. He knew what
Toshiya had seen.. he knew the fear the man felt after he had left
him.. he knew why Toshiya needed to see his face.. So that he could
be further illusioned that all demons and angels had forms that of a
human. But that wasn't true- Shinya was made of pure light while he
was a monstrous being made from the blood of all who'd sinned. If he
had showed his true self to Toshiya, he knew the mortal would repent
immediately and spend the rest of his life making amends with his
family and society.
Kaoru gave a shudder of morbid at the thought. The mortal should
never become a person of the heavens.Toshiya was already enticing
being 50/50. The demon licked his lips at the thought of having
turned Toshiya into a person of the flames of hell.
` You shall taste oh-so delicious…'
~~
` I love a demon…' Toshiya buried his face in his hands. ` Kaoru..
does he really return my love?'
Toshiya sobbed as his feelings became a raging turmoil inside of
him.
His guardian angel awoke at the sound of his tears, still in pain
but on the point of recovery. Shinya came slowly for him, reaching
out to touch the mortal. He was shrugged off at first but then he
reached out again, giving all the warmth he had in the touch. Toshiya
yielded towards it, accepting Shinya's embrace, letting his tears
fall freely from his eyes. He wanted to cry… so badly. And cry he
did.
Gentle pats on his back, strokes to calm his tears, to assure him
that he wasn't alone. To have thought of even harming his own
guardian angel…
Toshiya sobbed even more as he buried his face in the already-
soaked material of Shinya's clothing.
Shinya held the crying man in his arms, aware that maybe hope had
glimmered again.
" Ssh.." He whispered, hugging Toshiya like a child. " I'm here.."
There was a muffled voice from his chest and Shinya chuckled a bit,
pushing the mortal back gently, looking at him in the eye.
" You were saying?"
Toshiya gave a sniff.
" He really doesn't love me, does he?"
Shinya made a sound of pity, drawing him close again. The tears and
heart-wrenching sobs started again, all the angel could do was hold
him, offering him warmth and comfort. Even the power of heavens
couldn't make such strong feelings disappear.
Afterall, love was the strongest feelings heaven offered.
~~
Kaoru's head snapped to attention when he heard Toshiya's crying,
felt Shinya's comforting. He felt more than anger now and his calm
was slowly deteroriating. Fury was taking it's place as he wasn't
about to let this human slip through his fingers so easily.
He closed his eyes and melded himself within Toshiya's body. It was
time to pull the mortal back to hell.
~~
Shinya frowned when the tears stopped abruptly. He felt the person
he was holding become as still as a statue. Dread overcame him as he
held Toshiya in front of him, only to gasp in horror when he realized
once again Kaoru had taken over Toshiya's subconcsious again.
He placed the body down gently and glared up at the heavens.
" Let me enter hell! It's the only way I can save him in time!"
There was a great rumble of thunder and he uttered a loud curse
before breaking into sobs of his own, making the pain he was
experiencing double physically, emotionally, and mentally.
~~
Toshiya felt himself being jerked out of Shinya's warm embrace and
when he looked up, two hands roughly pushed him against a familiar
bed. A body fell heavily on his and his eyes adjusted to take in the
sight of an angry demon, black wings stretched out in a way that
induced fear in him. They were almost glaring at him, daring him to
make the slightest move so that they would strike him.
" Why didn't you kill him?!" Kaoru demanded, shaking the body with
incredible force that made Toshiya forget to breathe. " He has now
interfered! I told you to KILL HIM!!"
Toshiya felt himself become weak. He couldn't deal with anything
anymore. Even the sight of Kaoru, wrapped temptingly in a crimson
cape, didn't arouse any feelings inside of him. The only thing he
felt was sorrow.
" TELL ME WHY?!" Kaoru yelled at him again.
" I don't know.." Toshiya managed to choke out in between having
his body being shaken with such violence. " I don't know.."
" You said you loved me." Kaoru panted slightly, though from anger
or exhaustion he couldn't make out. " YOU SAID. YOU. LOVED. ME."
Toshiya nodded weakly only to have his back being hit against the
bed in numerous times again. To think that he had actually thought it
as a pleasurable place. All he could feel now was a sinking pain.
" I do." Toshiya whispered, crying again, wrapping his arms around
the demon, fumbling slightly over the stretched wings.
Kaoru tried to pry the human's hands off of his back but much to
his surprise, Toshiya didn't let go of his embrace, holding onto the
demon with a strength he never thought he possessed. Toshiya cried
onto Kaoru's shoulder, crying with all his heart, his body shaking
against the smaller form.
" I do.. I do…," Toshiya repeated, hugging onto the demon with even
more fierceness, " I love you so much but… oh god, Kaoru.. do you
really love *me*?"
The demon finally found his superior power, pushing Toshiya back
against the bed, holding him down by his shoulders. Toshiya tried to
wriggle out of his grasp at first but his hands remained locked on
and the mortal stopped his struggles, tears still running down his
cheeks feverishly. Kaoru stared at the mortal he longed for so much
then touched their lips together in his sudden loss of words.
Toshiya turned his face away at first, refusing to be kissed unless
his question was answered first. But the demon didn't care for his
insistence, capturing his lips anyway, pressing against them
forcefully, his tongue persuasively pushed through the tightly
clamped mouth, wrestling with Toshiya's without mercy. His groin
pressed against Toshiya's own, mashing them together rhythmetically,
his hands that were locking back the mortal's shoulder, massaging the
area carelessly, playing with the nerves. It didn't take long for
Toshiya to cave in, returning the kiss, pulling Kaoru harder against
himself, his hands finding themselves on the demon's perfect body,
running his fingers with teasing gentility over the smooth area of
the stomach.
Kaoru felt himself slowing his kisses so that he could enjoy the
touch, his own hands rising from the shoulders to cup the mortal's
face. Toshiya didn't mind the change, his hand reaching lower to
carress the demon's long length, feeling it at whole before applying
the same teasing touches.. earning a delighted moan. Kaoru's mouth
left his but before he could grunt a disapproval, the demon was
tracing his tongue along the mortal's neck, licking every inch of
ivory skin before sucking and biting at the flesh. Toshiya's hands
left the lower regions to grab hold of Kaoru's dark hair, raising his
legs so that Kaoru could move with irritatingly sensual slowness
against his arousal.
Just as he was feeling lost in ecstasy, Kaoru pushed himself away
from Toshiya, making the mortal whole-heartedly protest. The demon
didn't smirk or chuckle though, firmly keeping Toshiya from touching
him at all.
Toshiya pressed back against the bed again, looking hurt.
" No." Kaoru said, his voice cold.
" But I want to—" Toshiya started, holding out a hand again before
it was pushed back down, Kaoru giving him a severe look.
" No." Kaoru repeated. Then, with an unreadable expression, " No, I
don't love you, my precious."
Toshiya looked up at him, wounded. Actually, more than wounded.
Devastated. His whole body seemed to shrink back as the demon
continued to peer down at him. He flinched slightly when Kaoru's hand
moved to push back his forelocks away from his face. Kaoru continued
to gaze at him in silence before lowering his head to rest it on
Toshiya's chest. He placed a hand over Toshiya's heart, feeling the
heart beat.
" How do you even know that you love me?" Kaoru asked. " For all
you know it's just lust."
" If it was lust, I wouldn't have dared come near you." Toshiya
answered, his voice like he was having a cold. It was trying to hold
back tears from spilling again. " Aishiteru."
" You wouldn't have touched me the way you did, if you hadn't loved
me?"
" No." Toshiya's voice grew frustrated. " You can read my mind! You
know everything about me! Can't you see that I've never given anyone
the pleasure of anything before? They're the ones who gives it to me!
I don't give at all to people! But I gave to you! Doesn't that make
any sense?!"
" I understand." Kaoru still lay on Toshiya's chest, his hand still
over the mortal's heart. " But I still don't love you."
" Then I'm damned in hell because heaven sure won't take me now!"
Toshiya wanted to sit up but the weight on him pressed him down.
" If you stay in hell, you'll belong to me." Kaoru whispered, his
breath tickling the skin beneath his lips. " You'll become my slave."
" No, I won't. I'll keep myself away from you."
" I rule this place, darlin' Toshiya… You belong to me. There's no
way you can keep away from me."
" I won't follow any of your orders then."
" I can control and manipulate all your thoughts, my darlin'."
Kaoru's voice was it's usual husky tone again. " Like I said, *you*
belong to me."
" I'll find a way to heaven then."
" As if you could live without me." Kaoru chuckled at his naivety.
Toshiya was silent at the last comment. He knew that he couldn't
escape Kaoru, no matter what he did. He tried to think of words to
say, to yell at the demon, to let go of his disappointment.. but none
came and he settled himself to swallow his pride.
" Let me go back to Shinya.. please?" Toshiya pleaded, his voice
small.
" Why should I?" Kaoru challenged.
" I can't stay with you now. I can't be with you." Toshiya shook
his head, even when Kaoru was not looking at him. " Please let me go
back."
" I want to take your body again." Kaoru said, his voice alluring.
Toshiya shut his eyes tightly.
" Have mercy."
" I'm a demon. I don't have mercy, compassion, or love." Kaoru
hesitated. " I don't have pity either. But I do have lust, greed,
cruelty…"
" I want to go back home." Toshiya pleaded again. " Get off me
demon. I want to go home."
" Tell me, darlin', where is your---"
Toshiya lost his patience and rolled himself off of the bed,
falling onto the uneven floor below. He felt the roughness pierce his
skin and he winced at the sudden strike of pain. Kaoru looked down at
him, raising an eyebrow. Toshiya glared back.
" I don't want to be with you anymore, Kaoru!" Toshiya shouted. " I
hate people who use me! I hate people who think I'm lesser than they
are! I hate people who tread all over me because they think I'm
worthless trash! I hate people who lie to me!"
Kaoru's lips tugged into a sardonic grin.
" But I'm not a person, Toshiya."
Toshiya let out long breaths of air, regaining his composure. He
kept his glare on Kaoru as he backed away from the bed.
" No, you're not. But you said that if I joined hell I wouldn't
need to feel pain anymore." Toshiya's nervousness drifted away as he
sneered at the demon. " No more pain? You truly are a demon! That's
the biggest lie I've ever heard!"
Toshiya shakily got to his feet, pointing an accusing finger at the
demon.
" If I joined hell, I'd be living with the most excruciating pain
ever. You."
Kaoru sat himself up, leaning against his right arm that was
pressed against the covers. He took in the mortal in front of him and
knew that for the moment, he wouldn't be able to have him. He had
come so close yet Toshiya's own mind had gotten through his scheming,
unlaced all his words and found out the bitter truth of his
intentions.
The demon arose and walked over to the mortal. Toshiya stood taller
than Kaoru but the demon had wings and had put them to good use.
Toshiya didn't take a step back, nor did he blink when Kaoru's hand
slid over his smooth cheek. The hand dropped and Kaoru leaned in to
press his lips against the mortal's mouth, just a touch, seeking a
response. The lips pressed again on Toshiya's, a gentle urge to
respond again. Still, Toshiya remained unmoving.
The mortal could be stubborn when he wanted to. He resisted himself
from the demon's sweet touches, resisted himself from throwing his
arms around the demon and declaring his love over and over again,
resisted from just giving his entire being just to be with him…,
resisted the demon named Kaoru.
In the end, the demon drew back and locked eyes with the mortal.
Darkness of hell rose around them, enveloping them in a strange
atmosphere. The human, so tempting to the eye with his body
glimmering with the remnants of angel's blood. The demon, wrapped
with equal temptation in the blood crimson cloak, luscious skin
peeking out from beneath it. Love and hate mixed in a frenzy around
the human, coldness radiating from the demon. The hell beneath them
calling for a bonding, the heavens above warning them to separate.
Neither heaven nor hell won. As Kaoru closed his eyes and let
Toshiya return to the human world, return to his body once more,
their bond broken- though they did not truly separate.
~~
Toshiya gave a gasp as he felt angel's arms wrap around him,
securing him in a hold that gripped his body and soul. He closed his
eyes, still holding back an ocean of tears, his body weak. Showers of
kisses rained upon him, placed upon his head, his temples, his
cheeks, maybe everywhere… But the light touches weren't registered by
his mind, he couldn't feel them—he felt nothing at all.
There was only emptiness.
Shinya kept on holding him though, a promise of better protection,
a gesture of regret, a sign of his own love.
The mortal's arms raised slowly to hold the angelic form in return,
pressing his cheek against the warmness of his guardian's light,
losing himself in the moment, forgetting about the demon momentarily.
Toshiya felt Shinya kiss his cheeks again, vaguely hearing an apology
for not being able to retrieve him from Kaoru.
` It's not his fault…,' Toshiya thought to himself, burying his
face in the crook of the angel's neck. ` There's nothing to be done
now.. everything is over.'
Toshiya let a tear meld into Shinya's skin, glittering like a
diamond before disappearing without a trace.
` This short love story.. is over.'
His arms tightened around the being, crushing the angel's body
without care. The guardian offered protection, he wanted to be
protected.
` What will come will come.' Toshiya's thoughts were numb but they
spoke louder then the beatings of his heart. ` An eternity with or
without Kaoru.. will surely come someday. Heaven or hell, or whatever
place lies for me when I die… It will come in due time.'
~~
What was love? A feeling of the heart? This flutter of emotions
that brings warmth to the body, this expression that gives joy to
others?
Kaoru placed a hand over his chest, where his heart should've been.
There was no heartbeat. No warmth. No flutter. Nothing. He was,
literally, a heartless demon. Sitting with his wings to suspend him
in mid-air, he closed his eyes and let the image of the beautiful
mortal pass his mind.
` I could never love him.' Kaoru's thoughts were bitter. ` I would
never love him. I won't ever come to love him.'
The demon shuddered as the memory of the first touch he felt with
the mortal swept over him. He opened his eyes and let his face become
impassioned, as it almost always was.
` But if I were given the opportunity to love, I would love you.'
" Master!" A young demon hurried to Kaoru's feet, bowing so low
it's body could've melted with the floor. " An approachable human!"
Kaoru glanced down lazily at his servant, not really in the mood
for taking up a new soul to steal. He held out his hand anyways,
letting a ball of fire erupt from it, taking the shape of a mirror.
In the burning glass, an image of a young man appeared; roughness
shouting out from every move the mortal made but a softness lingered
in expressions, cleverly hidden.
Looking at the new image, he grinned crookedly,
` I so love new challenges… who is this?'
His servant answered for him, face still pressed to the ground.
" The mortal is knowned as Niimura Tooru."
The demon felt a smirk tug on his lips.
` Ah.. but my precious can wait.. afterall, the world will end
someday.. and when that day comes, you'll be mine.' Kaoru thought
with a bit of triumph.
**
End of Fic
Notes: It's finished~~~!!! Yatta~~!! *bows* again, thank you to
everyone who had commented!
Send Comment to Author: Hikaru