AJ stared past his reflection on the tour bus window, watching the scenery pass by, music he wasn't listening to sounding in his ears. His head and heart were both heavy with thought. In the months that followed the tumultuous discussion AJ and Jenna had shared after her break-up with Nick, AJ finally got what he had been wanting for so long. A relationship with Jenna. Or as much of a relationship as they could have when he was on the road touring, and keeping it a secret from virtually everyone. Neither AJ or Jenna were ready for Nick to find out about them, they had both decided that they weren't prepared for the barrage of questions they would undoubtedly receive. They just wanted to take the time to be alone with each other as much as they could.
During the month before the tour had started, Jenna and AJ had spent most of their time in seclusion, either at her place or his, careful to keep the relationship as discrete as possible, careful to be kept unseen from the wrong eyes. But once the tour was in full swing it had gotten harder and harder for them to see each other. He flew her once or twice to come see him, he left once or twice to see her, but keeping a secret like that was getting harder and harder to do. They had pretty much reduce their relationship down to phone calls and emails.
Nick was another issue that plagued his thoughts on a constant basis, avoiding him was nearly impossible while they were on tour and sharing the same stage on a nightly basis, but he did, as much as possible. Unless it involved work of some sort, words between them were never spoken. Everyone knew something was wrong with them, but no one really knew what it was. Howie was the only one who had the vaguest idea of the situation, knowing about AJ & Jenna's past and that they were back together. And although Howie was hardly a fan of the relationship, he kept it a secret for them, and never disclosed to the others why he and Nick held so much animosity towards each other now. AJ could see how torn up Nick was though, and he couldn't figure out who was the trigger of all his pain; Jenna or Kayla. But night after night, he got on stage and sang the same song that he dedicated to "her", whoever that was, and there was no denying the emotion behind the lyrics, or the way he sung them. All the girls in the audience of course felt like he was singing to them, but none of those hoards of girls saw Nick when he walked offstage after singing that song. He looked like someone had ripped out his heart every single time. Kevin, Brian and Howie were all certain he went back to his dressing room and cried after he sang that song. That's when AJ felt really bad, when he saw Nick like that, and imagined him so upset that it brought him to tears. Part of him always wished that he could reverse time and make everyone happy again, but in this happiness he was with Jenna, Nick was with Kayla and they could all be family. But he didn't know if that could ever happen. Now that they were on their way to Dallas though, and as close to Kayla as they would get, he wondered if things from this point could be any different?
Kayla had stayed in Texas with her brother, doing a couple of temp jobs here and there, and as much as she tried to convince him she was happy, he could tell she wasn't. AJ didn't know if Kayla had had any contact with Nick since the appearance on AJ's doorstep that caused her to move to Texas in the first place, and she had never mentioned Nick and Jenna breaking up, he wondered if she even knew. In fact, his was a name that they both knew was best left unmentioned. They talked almost as frequently as he spoke with Jenna, and he was excited that he would finally get to see her, for the first time in almost eight months. The fact that he couldn't share his recent happiness with his best friend bugged him, but it was unavoidable, Jenna's name couldn't be mentioned. Maybe someday she would understand, maybe someday everyone would understand, he thought, but now wasn't the time. He was just happy he'd have the opportunity to hang out with his best friend again.
"What do you mean you refuse to stay there?" Someone yelled from the other side of the bus, breaking the trance AJ had sunk into.
"I'm not saying ya'll can't stay there, I'm just saying that I would rather stay somewhere else for personal reasons. If I have to get a room on my own at a different hotel, than fine. I'm okay with that." Nick said. AJ pulled off his earphones so he could hear what was going on.
"What's the problem with staying at the Hyatt? We always stay there?" Howie asked.
"Don't worry about why." Nick shrugged, staring stoically ahead. "I won't stay there, end of story."
"Fine. Let me get Steven on the phone and see if he can book us somewhere else." Howie said with dejection.
"What's going on?" AJ whispered to Kevin.
"We're booked at the Hyatt in Dallas, and Nick just threw a fit when he found out. Refuses to stay there." Kevin shrugged as he continued to read a newspaper. "As long as I have a bed to sleep in tonight, I don't care where we stay. I'm so sick of this damn bus."
"I hear
ya." AJ said, turning back around and slipping his headphones back on.
It was AJ's last song of the night and he was anxious to get the show over with so he could go out and meet up with Kayla. They were supposed to meet at a local club along with some of the dancers he was touring with. One of the guys was from Dallas so they just opted to meet Kayla there instead of all of them battling traffic to meet up and go through it again. It had been a long time since they had gone out dancing, so he couldn't wait to begin the night, even though he was exhausted. His head spun with the anticipation of the rest of the night, and he barely even noticed himself singing.
Finally, the show is over. He thought as they made their final bows to a burst of confetti like plastic raining from above. AJ went backstage and into his dressing room, they had lucked out with this venue, and had each gotten their own separate rooms. He quickly peeled off his sweaty stage clothes and left them for the wardrobe ladies, and hopped into the shower letting lukewarm water rain down onto him, and cool off his overheated skin. As he emerged from the cold shower he had just given himself, he jumped back startled, Kayla was sitting down on the closed toilet seat. She looked up at him with a brilliant smile and bound towards him, almost making him slip into the shower. "Jesus Christ!" He exclaimed, pulling a towel to cover himself. "I appreciate the heart attack Kay! What are you doing here?!"
"I couldn't wait to see you." She exclaimed, still gripping him tightly. "Sorry to barge in on you."
"You can barge in on me anytime! I'm glad you're here!"
"Well hurry up, lets get out of here before you know who comes around." She smiled, tapping AJ on the butt.
By the time they left the club, AJ was beat. They hadn't left the dance floor at all except to get drinks at the bar, and the many trips to the bathroom that resulted from those drinks. They crawled into a cab an hour or so after everyone else they came with had left, leaving just before the staff of the bar did, and both of them far too drunk to do anything now but sleep. AJ and Kayla both shut their eyes as the cab made it's way to his hotel, laying their heads on each other, feigning off sleep. Her hair was sticking to the skin on his neck, and her hand clasped his as she had done for most of the night.
"Can I ask you a question?" Kayla sighed.
"You wanna know about Nick, don't you?" AJ asked, sensing that she'd been wanting to ask about him all night, waiting for the opportune moment.
"Pathetic huh? Just blame it on the drunkenness."
"It's not pathetic." He assured. "I know how you feel."
"So...?" Kayla wondered aloud.
"He's...okay I guess." AJ shrugged. "I mean, honestly Kay, we don't talk at all anymore. After everything that happened with you guys, we both just avoid each other. I'm still angry at what he did to you, and I guess he's still angry about you and I knowing each other and whatever warped version he's imagined our relationship to be. So I really don't have anything to tell you about him, he's a work acquaintance to me now."
Kayla looked at AJ solemnly. "I'm sorry I've reduced your friendship down to an aquaintenceship."
"You didn't Kay. It hasn't been much of a friendship for a really long time." AJ put his arm around Kayla's shoulder. "Besides, you're all the friend I need."
"Awww, how sweet." She said with dripping sarcasm, as the cab pulled up in front of the hotel.
"I know, that's me. Mister sweet." He said, paying the cabbie, and helping Kayla out of the cab. "I'm starving. Wanna order pizza?"
"Oh yeah." She exclaimed, hanging on to him so she wouldn't topple over, the alcohol obviously hitting her a lot harder than it had affected him.
Kayla curled up in the hotel's king sized bed, clad in one of his T-shirts and pair of track pants that were too big, AJ smiled when he looked over at her, and the way she was savoring her pizza like it was the only food she's ever had in her life. He wanted to sleep, but he also wanted to spend as much time with her as he could before they were gone again. Aside from the one question in the cab, he knew she had more she wanted to talk about, and he still wished he could share his relationship with Jenna with her. God I miss her, he thought, staring at her for probably a little longer than necessary. They finished with their pizza and curled up next to each other on the bed, choosing a movie on pay per view and yawning as it began.
"I never told you about Nick coming here to find me did I?" AJ shook his head, both of them turning away from the movie. "I always wondered why you didn't ask about it, but I'm glad you didn't, because I wouldn't have talked about it anyway. But that's besides the point."
"So he came here to see you? When?"
"When I was sick just after I got here. My brother called you because I asked him to, and somehow Nick intercepted the message and got it all mixed up. Did you know he came up here because he thought I had overdosed? Yup, he did." Kayla said when she saw AJ's eyes grow wide with surprise. "That's how he found me. And I hate to admit it, but I was almost happy to see him care so much. Anyway, he begged me to see him, and I did - I went to his hotel to talk."
"The Hyatt?" He said, the words just barely leaving his mouth as the conversation he overheard on the bus this morning finally making some sense.
"How did you know?" She questioned.
"On the way here, I overheard him telling the other guys that he refused to stay there for personal reasons." AJ's heart broke when he saw the painful look that appeared in her eyes. "What happened there Kay?"
"Every word of that conversation is burned into my memory, and I swear I think about it every day, wondering if I did the right thing." Tears came to her eyes as she looked down with a shake of her head. "He told me that he and Jenna had broken up for good, and how much of a mistake he made when he broke up with me. He said that what he did to me was the biggest mistake he's ever made, and he loved me more than he's ever loved anyone in his life. As much and as long as I was waiting to hear all of that, and then to hear he wanted me back, I was so tempted to say yes. Obviously I didn't, I wasn't about to put myself back in the position of being discarded again. Once was enough."
"I know what you mean." AJ nodded, he'd let Jenna do the same thing to him many times.
"Then I see him tonight when I came to meet you, and it all flooded back to me." She sighed. "You know, television, magazines, internet...none of it compares to seeing someone in the flesh, and I'm really angry that he still effects me this way. I'm beginning to think he always will. I just felt every emotion imaginable, anger, hatred, fright and sadness. But I miss him, and it kills me that I do." She curled into him, sniffing away her tears. "Do you think I'm stupid for missing him?"
"No." He said, brushing her hair away from her face. "You can't help who you fall in love with.."
"Oh! And this is the best..." She exclaimed, sitting back up. "Not only did I see him, but I came in when he was singing 'the' song. The song that rips my heart out every time I think about it. "
"What's 'the' song?"
"Oh." She said with a shake of her head. "That song he sang during the solos, the 'it's you' one."
"You came for the concert?" He asked quizzically, he assumed she had just gotten there after the show. The solos are midway into the concert.
"I didn't want to get stuck in traffic, so I came early to beat the people leaving, and it's been awhile since I've seen you in action. So you had left me the passes to get in, and I thought, what the heck. But God, if I had known he sang THAT song, that I would be coming in here to have all the feelings and emotions I thought were gone thrust in front of me, I would have dealt with the traffic, or met you at the bar like we planned."
"So explain it to me Kay, why did it bother you so much?" AJ wondered, turning over on his side, propping himself up on his elbow. Was she the "her" he sung to every night?
"Honestly, I think it was a song he wrote for me, or at least that's what he insinuated. He sent me the handwritten lyrics one day when you guys were in Europe, telling me how much he missed me. He promised me he'd sing it to me one day. I've never even heard it sung out loud before, well except for once on this CD..." Kayla trailed off, laying her head down on his lap and closing her eyes. AJ had no doubt in his mind now, the emotional outreach Nick put himself through night after night was for Kayla. He leaned his head against the bed's headboard, thinking about how he would digest this information. Nick was obviously still devastated by losing Kayla, and she was still in love with him too. AJ's heart ached knowing it was his fault that their relationship had ended, and he would always regret that he had caused Kayla so much pain.
"So what do you want to do Kay? Do you want to be with Nick again?" He finally asked, afraid at what the answer would mean for the future of his relationship with Jenna. "Kayla?" He questioned, but she had fallen asleep. He moved out from beneath her, letting her head rest on the pillow. AJ stared down at her for a moment, before pulling a blanket over her sleeping body and turning off the lights in the room. He started drifting asleep almost as soon as his own head hit the pillow next to hers, he imagined his dreams would be anything but peaceful tonight.