Internet Board of
Disease Control
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
I regret to inform you that you have been named
as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has
tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted
Through Internet Chat Sex) virus. It would benifit you to
be tested and/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly
contagious and can be spread by a simple "f@ck you" or
"muuuuaaaahhhhh". It appears to be predominent in WebTV
users but has been detected in the PC community.
Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing
matter! ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can
fester into physical ailments if not treated. You will be
provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any of these
contact this office and forward this notice to all your
cyber-sexual contacts!
The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these
symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected for
years. PLEASE do not ignore these warning
signs!!!!!
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- KEYBOARD COURAGE:
The threatening of another
chatter for no logical reason.
- WOOHOO: The
uncontrollable urge to say
wooooohoooooo to anything that may be deemed sexual in
nature (may be a result of overactive woohoormones).
- HOLIDAY
INN-hibition: The need to take someone
to a private room.
- P.T.P.U.D. (POST TRAMATIC POP
UP DISORDER):
Heavy reliance on popups.
- HORIZONTAL RETNAL
SCAN: Inability to read
anything that doesn't scroll up.
- LOSS OF
FINGERNAILS.
- BEDPAN COMPLEX:
Having a bucket next to the TV
for human waste.
- CYBER TERRETTS
SYNDROME: The random shouting of
obscenities every time the phone rings.
- RED EYE:
Elimiination of any whites from the
eye.
- VIRTUAL SPEED:
The ability to make 2 lunches,
fold a load of laundry, go pee, and put in a video, before
your last comment leaves the screen.
- SLEEP APATHY:
Going without sleep to chat.
- CYBER ANNOREXIA:
Going without food to chat.
- SYMBOLIC DSYLEXIA:
The use of initials instead
of words ie.: LMAO=LAUGHING MY A$$ OFF.
- NIC IDENTITY
CRISIS: The adoption of a nic as a
second name.
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If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to
contact me.
THANKS FOR YOUR TIME,
Dr. Pete O. Fender
Internet Board of Disease Control
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