THOUGHT!
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.
If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
When your pet budgie sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
How do they get a deer to cross at that red road sign?
What colour is a chameleon on a mirror?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
(Caine says farmers/god thinks of shepherds)
If the pigs arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the iside of the tube?
Why aren't there bullet-proof pants?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbour, will he complain?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are we afraid of falling?
Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How can you tell when your out of invisible ink?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? -
or maybe I'll just have a big bunch of purples.
Answers to <takingashot@pot.com>