Family Dictionary

YAKIMA: A town that sits, quite literally, to the left of nowhere.

SPOKANE: Just like Yakima, but much further to the right.

YELM: A mystical place where all roads indeed lead to and from. You cannot buy a map here.

BOISE: Idaho’s version of Hades. Just hotter.

OUTSIDE KITTY: A cat that, more or less, mooches on a bunch of old people for food

STUDENT: A person that, more or less, mooches on a bunch of old people for food

INSIDE KITTY: A cat with a reasonable life expectancy

COLLEGE: A very expensive, and very exclusive, dating service

INFARCTION: An ultimate surprise, as in “George is dating a doctor and Dale had an infarction”

SINGLE-WIDE: A starter home in Yakima

DOUBLE-WIDE: A starter wife in Yakima

TRIPLE-WIDE: A starter wife, in a starter home, in Yakima

TELEPHONE: An apparatus used to (a) spread gossip and (b) talk to strangers from Household Finance

TORCH: Flaming device used to set large tracts of land on fire, sometimes even intentionally.

GARDEN HOSE: A hose that, when dale sets fire to the back 40, you cannot find.

SOAKER HOSE: A hose that, when dale sets fire to the back 40, you can find.

WEED-EATER: Primary device used to mutilate vegetation

TOMATO CAGE: Primary device used to mutilate weed-eater

ICE CUBES: Fabled form of water sometimes seen in restaurants. Made by fairies.

HIGH RISK: The act of (a) driving with Greg or (b) bringing home inexpensive chocolate

GARBAGE BAG: Device used to block walkway from house to garage

HELL’S KITCHEN: Term used by a certain wife to describe spending holidays with certain relatives

CONVERSATION: What an older brother has, say, when standing next to a lightpost

OPINION: Something that nobody ever wants but everybody already has