I am glad that someone finally called the hit children's cartoon "Spongbob Squarepants" for what it is, an overt attempt to un

James Collins

Wordcount: 596

"Today's TV Poisons our Children's Brains Even More Than Sugared Cereal"

I am glad that someone finally called the hit children's cartoon "Spongbob Squarepants" for what it is, an overt attempt to undermine the moral values of our youth. An announcement from Dr. James Dobson's "We Are the Family Foundation" pointed out that the tolerance pledge advocated by the show was really an attempt to poison our children's brains.

The relationship between the two main characters, a sponge and a starfish, always seemed a bit odd to me - not quite in agreement with reality. At first appearance, they seem to be best friends and neighbors. The truth, hidden under the auspices of childish humor, turns out to be much darker. I believe it is a not-so-subtle plot to turn our children from the classic values of youth and toward a liberal, gay agenda.

The problem is that television today is replete with transgressions. Take the popular cartoon series Scooby-Doo. Harmless, you say? Hardly. The central character, Shaggy, wears the same, green, dingy shirt every day, drives (and, apparently, sleeps) in the back of a van called the "Mystery Machine", never shaves, continually converses with a dog and always claims he is famished, even to the point that he sneaks dog treats for a snack. This isn't an example of a wholesome character, it's an example of one of my college buddies we nicknamed "Marijuana Man".

Other characters we expose our children to are equally damaging. Look at the famous icon of the McDonald's corporation, Ronald McDonald. What rationale do we have to believe that "someone dressed as a clown pushing a product called a Happy Meal" isn't one step away from being a pervert? And his cohorts on the well-known commercials aren't exactly model citizens either. Isn't the "Hamburglar" really a convicted felon? Why does the purple shake guy remind you of Barney the Dinosaur with a water retention issue? This degradation of children's television can even be traced back to my childhood. Should we assume as coincidence that every Looney Tune's character just happens to have a speech impediment? And why did Yosemite Sam claim he is the "rootin tootenest"? (Was he product of that peculiar achievement?) Even the beloved Sesame Street is not immune from corruption, portraying an obviously bulimic cookie monster as both unintelligible and perpetually famished.

It is time that we, as a nation of concerned citizens, act to clean up the airwaves of these liberal messages inundating the porous craniums of our youth. It is time for us to face the fact that television has become far too important of a vehicle to allow it to remain in the hands of the mass media. I therefore demand that children's programming be immediately changed to reflect the conservative morals of the nation. I have two ideas for this:

Uncle Rummy: Story about a caring, but very manly, superhero in charge of defeating evil throughout the world. He uses various superhero powers, including a distortion ray, to eliminate everything in his path.

I Don't Have Clue Bear: An animated series consisting of a bears, let's just call them the "democratic party" for lack of a better name, who argue with each other over everything and get virtually nothing done. Special guest, "Dean The Screaming chipmunk".

Conda, the Explorer: Charming tale of a little girl who is always right about everything. And even when she's not, reality changes so she is.

We must all send our heartfelt thanks to the "We are the Family Foundation" for pointing out this travesty as they apparently know what a family really is. Or at least should be.