Dear Webmaster Letters

Dear Webmaster,

I’m a bit new to the family and all of this humor has been making me nervous. I mean, it seems like from the stories that they are kind of an odd, dysfunctional cult. Are these stories true?

- Lost in Idaho

Dear Lost,

If you mean “cult” in “I’m going to go shave my head and hang out in airports way”, then that’s my side of the family. Nope, while this family is a dysfunctional cult all right, it does draw a firm line at head shaving. As for the stories, well, they are all true except for the ones I make up.

Dear Webmaster,

I am a girl scout leader from somewhere on the west side of the mountains. I’ve had some difficulties with one of the cookie moms and don’t know what to do. We disagree on everything from our Caramel Clusters to the Animal Treasures. What should I do?

- Girl Scout Mom

Dear Girl Scout Mom:

Cookie Mom? Caramel Clusters? Animal Treasures? Did you get trapped in a version of Candyland or something? There is only one thing to do, and you must do exactly as I say: send me the extra cookies. All of them.

Dear Webmaster,

I am a young, attractive college woman who has boys falling all over her, a scholarship to a prestigious university and a penchant to go to San Diego at the drop of a hat.

- Soccer Girl

Dear Soccer Girl:

Did you have a question?

Dear Webmaster,

No, I just like to see myself in writing.

- Soccer Girl

Dear Soccer Girl:

Glad I could help

Dear Webmaster,

I am from a place that is to the right of everywhere else. We eat liberals like you for dinner. I run a fabulously successful little company, have a wonderful husband, live in a gorgeous home on a brilliant, shimmering pond and have a close knit family. Why don’t you go pick on some other family?

- Outlaw

Dear Outlaw:

Watching “Lifetime” and drinking cheap Mexican wine is no way to go through life Jackie.

Dear Webmaster,

My girlfriend is nervous about meeting the family. Do you have any tips?

- George of Jungle

Dear Jungle:

I recommend drinking a lot. Maybe even your girlfriend should too.

Honestly, I have one suggestion: Pretend you’re an orphan.

Dear Webmaster,

I am a princess being held against my will by a couple of demented older people. My requirements are few, special food, being able to sleep in and absolutely no chores. How can I fix this?

- Cinderella

Dear Cinderella:

Well, you’re either Spats or Sophie. In any case, Be kind to the servants. They are old, feeble (at least the woman is).

Dear Webmaster,

I am desperate. I live in a place that, in winter, is colder than a polar bear’s left testicle. In summer it gets hotter than end of a torch (and I personally know how hot that is). We own a business that would have better luck selling ice cubes to eskimoes, enough animals at the house to be considered a world-class zoo and a pond that has been declared an extension of the Amazon River.

The worst part is when family comes we only have one GD bathroom!

How can I get some sucker to take this place and get me out of here?

- The Torch

Dear Torch:

It sounds to me that you’d have to find some idiot to grab that place. Good thing you live where you do so at least it shouldn’t take too long.

Dear Webmaster,

I have a great new business venture called “WHACK ON FOOLS” that I’m getting into. They only want me to scrounge up a small down payment of several thousand dollars but then I can sell these things fast. I’ll make billions! Do you have any advise for someone like me?

- Entrepreneur

Dear Jungle:

Off hand, I think you may need to buy some property. Why don’t you talk to the Torch?