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If I Don't Have You Chapter 1 "So what are you trying to tell me, exactly. That…that…you wanna break up? Is that it?" "No! Well…God, AJ…I.." She couldn’t hold them anymore, the tears made their way down her cheeks. Why was this so hard? "Jesus! That’s it. Just say it Kierstan. Why can’t you just say it?" "This isn’t easy for me either AJ." "What isn’t? Will you just tell me…please. We’ve been sitting here for over an hour and all I can get out of you is that this is hard for you to tell me. I just want to know what’s wrong." He cupped her face in his hands and wiped the tears from her face. "Please K, just tell me" he whispered as he kissed her softly on the forehead. "I..I think that maybe it’s time…I think that we should take a break…from each other." AJ felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. Where was this coming from? Everything had seemed to be so perfect. "Why are you doing this?" "AJ, please. Don’t make this hard on me…I.." "Don’t make this hard on YOU? What about me? I had no idea this was even coming. How long have you been thinking about…is there someone else…where the hell is this all coming from? You can’t just break up with me and not tell me why. Damnit Kierstan, I love you!" Why did he have to say that? She suddenly felt very sick. How could she give him a reason. She didn’t have one. "I’ve gotta get outta here." As she turned for the door he grabbed her arm and spun her back around. "Oh no. Not until you tell me why." She looked him dead in the eyes and lied. "I don’t love you AJ. I…just don’t." And with that she walked out the door. He must have stood there staring blankly at the door for at least fifteen minutes before it finally sank in. And when it did, a million thoughts raced through his head at once. She broke up with me. She left. She’s gone. God dammit why didn’t I see this coming? She’s lying. Why is she doing this. I don’t understand. I’ve got to go find her. AJ grabbed his jacket from the couch and ran out the door. "You did WHAT?" "I broke up with AJ" Kierstan’s best friend looked at her in disbelief. But she was obviously telling the truth. The look in her eyes, the look of pain and sadness was there. Yes, she really had lost her mind. "Now, slowly. Tell me again why you broke up with the most perfect guy to come your way." "Viv, I have no idea. I just…I can’t take it anymore." "Can’t take what anymore?" "All this shit that goes along with him. The girls. The press. The bodyguards. Not being able to just go out." "Bullshit!" Kierstan’s eyes widened in shock. "What?" "That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard from you in my life Kierstan. You have put up with it, happily I might add, for two years. So stop beating around the bush and tell me the real reason you did it" Just then there was a knock at the front door. "Vivian…Viv…It’s AJ. Are you home?" "I think I’m gonna be sick" Kierstan muttered and ran to the bathroom. AJ was about to leave when Vivian opened the door. "You look like hell." "Where is she?" "Probably sneaking out the backdoor right about now." "Thanks Viv" he said as he took off running toward the back of the house. Viv knew her all too well. There she was, trying to be quiet as she closed the sliding glass door. "Your too late" Kierstan jumped like she had been shot. "Jesus AJ. You scared me." "We’ve gotta talk, K" "Not now AJ, I gotta go." "I really don’t care where you have to go right now. Your gonna sit down and your going to talk to me. And your gonna do it now." "AJ…" "If you think I’m gonna just let you walk out of my life your wrong." "I can’t do this now AJ…please" She said just above a whisper, trying to choke her tears back down. "Why? So you can have time to think up another lie like the one you gave me this afternoon? Because I know damn well that song and dance about you not loving me is just that Kierstan. A lie. So just stop it." "Leave me alone" "What?" "I said LEAVE me ALONE. GO AWAY!" AJ just stood there, not believing what she had just said. Why was this happening? Vivian had heard the screaming from inside and came to the door. "AJ, I think you better go okay. Now is obviously not a good time." He looked from Vivian to Kierstan who was now glaring at him. He had never seen that look on her face before. Something was so wrong about this. He wanted to know why but he turned and walked away anyway. He felt nothing, just numb. He just got in his car and drove back to the hotel. He’d talk to her tonight, after the show. He knew that even after what had happened she would still be watching. "She has to be." He said to himself as he pulled in the parking garage and made his way back up to his hotel room. "Would you like to explain to me what the hell that was all about?" "He just wouldn’t stop Viv. I told him I couldn’t talk about it and he just kept on and on." "Kierstan, sit down." "I don’t want to sit down. I’ve got to get out of here." "And where miss do you think your going? Your certainly not driving like this. Your shaking. Just sit down." Kierstan just looked at her friend and began to cry. "Viv, I.." she began but her tears stopped her and she began to sob uncontrollably. Vivian hugged her friend and let her cry. She didn’t know why she was doing this. But she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet and she knew that when Kierstan wasn’t ready, she wasn’t ready. When her tears finally stopped she pulled away from Vivian and sat down in the chair beside her. Staring blankly into the pool she whispered, "what have I done, Viv?" "Where have you been?" "Not now, Nick." "AJ you missed practice twice today. You do realize that this concert is gonna be on national television right." "NOT NOW NICK!" "Jesus, did Kierstan forget to give you a kiss good-bye this morning or what?" AJ grabbed Nick’s shirt and slammed him hard against the wall. "I said NOT NOW. Do I need to repeat myself again for you Nick? NOT NOW DAMMIT!!" Nick only stared at his friend and shook his head. AJ let him go and walked out of the room, punching the door hard before leaving. Nick stood speechless for a minute before Brian walked in the room. "What the hell is AJ’s problem?" "Huh?" "I just passed him in the hall and he almost bit my head off before I could even say anything." "I dunno man, but someone’s gotta calm him down before the show tonight. He just fuckin slammed me against the wall." Brian couldn’t help but laugh. "And that is unusual because why?" "Bri, I’m serious man. I asked him where he had been and he just flipped out." "Where’s Kierstan?" "I dunno. But some words of advice…don’t ask AJ." "I was walking around backstage with Lyndsay…" "Lyndsay?" "Yeah, Kevin’s girlfriend. Anyway, she saw someone she knew and went to talk to them. So, I turned the corner and AJ was standing there talking to some girl. And I just assumed it was a fan ya know. But then, he was looking at her…like…like the way he used to look at me when we first met ya know." Vivian snickered, "yeah, you mean the same way he looks at you now." "But they were standing so close. And…God, Viv. She…he…she touched his face so softly and, I thought I was gonna throw up. She said, she…she told him she loved him. And I’m like…"uh AJ?" And he just looked at me. He looked at me and he kissed her." "Whoa!" "Yeah, and so I just ran away. I couldn’t stand it. But I ran into Nick. And he asked me where I was going but I was crying ya know. And he looked up and he saw AJ. And AJ was still kissing that girl." Kierstan shook her head trying to rid herself of the image embedded into her mind. "And Nick started yelling at AJ. He was like, "AJ! What the HELL are you doing?" But he just kept kissing her. It was horrible Viv." "AJ, AJ…hey come on, man. I know your in there. AJ…open the door already." AJ slowly got out of the chair and walked to the door. He opened it to Kevin and just walked back to his chair, leaving the door open. "You aight man?" "No." "What’s going on? You look like hell." Almost laughing AJ answered, "Ya know man, I really wish I knew. But I have no clue. She just walked in here, broke up with me and left. That’s it. No explanation, nothing. She just left. And she won’t talk to me, she won’t listen to me, hell, I can barely get her to look at me." There was a long silence while Kevin sat in astonishment. That was the last thing he expected to here from his friend. "Kierstan broke up with you? But…I mean…is that even…damn. She didn’t even tell you why?" "Yeah she told me why alright. She looked me straight in the eyes and she told me she didn’t love me." "Well, she’s lying. I mean, you know that right?" "Yeah." "I don’t want to sound like an asshole here man, but, are you gonna be alright for the show tonight?" "Yeah, sure. Whatever." "Did you get Brian to talk to her? I mean ya know, they’re pretty close" "I don’t think Brian even knows. And besides that she’s not even talking to Viv, so she’s not gonna talk to Brian either." "You wanna do it tonight? The song I mean. She hasn’t heard it yet right?" AJ could only nod, he knew that if he said anything else he would start to cry. Kevin could see that AJ needed to be alone and got up to leave the room. "You’ll get her back man. You’ll see." "I can’t believe you Kierstan. You broke up with him because of that?" "It was just so…" "It was just a DREAM Kierstan. Nothing more." "No, it was more. It was like a premonition or something." "Give me a break girl. It was a DREAM! That’s it. You know AJ would never do that." Kierstan shook her head. "Viv you don’t understand." "Well, your right about that much. I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you could end two and a half years of perfection over a dream. I don’t understand why you can’t even talk to him about it. And I sure as hell don’t understand why your torturing not only yourself, but him too over something so trivial. What I do understand is that you have lost your mind. And I also understand that you better go running back to him right now and tell him how utterly stupid you were, plead insanity, whatever. But you, my friend, need to be committed if you give this man up over a damn DREAM you had." "I can’t" "Like hell!" "No, I mean. He has the show, in…15 minutes." Vivian rolled her eyes. "Sometimes I really wonder about you girl. Seriously, I mean come on. You’ve got everyone all torn up over a dream. Now come on before we miss the concert." The girls made their way into the den and flipped the channel to the station. Vivian went and got some cookies from the kitchen and plopped down beside Kierstan on the couch. "God woman, you look like hell. I hope you at least plan on taking a shower before you go over there tonight." "I’m not gonna go Viv." "Oh hush up. You are and that’s all there is to it." "Viv…" "Sssh, it’s time." As the two girls sat and watched the concert it became very obvious that AJ was having a hard time concentrating. His performance was off and they both knew why. About half way threw the show the guys came out on stage to do another song. Usually at this point in the show they sang "I’ll Never Break Your Heart", but tonight it was going to be a little different. Kevin stepped up to the microphone to explain, "This is a new song we’ve been working on. And unfortunately there is someone out there who needs to hear this right now. So, I hope you all enjoy it, and I hope she is really listening to it. AJ…" Vivian looked at Kierstan, Kierstan looked at Vivian. They both basically knew what was coming and Kierstan could already feel the heat rush to her face and the tears swelling in her eyes as AJ began to sing. Sing a song she had never heard, but she knew it was being directed to her. Everyday, girl I wake up and pray that you’ll come back home…and don’t take too long. Since you’ve been gone, everything’s gone and went wrong. I wish you were here, holding me near… "You okay?" Kierstan shook her head no as Nick continued with the song, tears streaming down her face. You know I’d go out of my mind. If you ever left my heart behind. So I’m begging you please bring your sweet love back to me. "I have to go to him Viv." "Well at least finish out the song K, he’s not going anywhere right now." Kierstan nodded and Brian picked up on the chorus. If I don’t have you to hold on to. I cant go on in this world alone, baby its true if I don’t have you. If you said goodbye girl I would die. I’m a star with no light a day with no night if I don’t have you. Kierstan stood up to make her way towards the shower just as AJ began to sing again. Late at night I reach to hold you tight but your not there. I know you still care. And oh how I miss your soft and lovely kiss. You give to me so tenderly. Vivian could already here the water running as the guys finished up the song. "Oh AJ you are a smart man." She smiled and went to put the cookies and drinks back in the kitchen. She switched the television off and went in Kierstan’s room just as she was stepping out of the shower. "Girl quit crying already. You’re going to get him back." "Did you hear that song?" "Well I was sitting right beside you, I think I managed to get the most of it. Although hearing anything over those sobs of yours was a bit difficult." Kierstan rolled her eyes, "I wasn’t crying that hard, Viv. Geez!" "You alright man?" "I’m fine." "You don’t look fine." "I’m fine." Kevin just sighed. "Well okay, then let’s finish up the show." The guys made their way back on the stage for the final song just as Kierstan was walking out the door of her and Vivian’s house. "Good luck sis. Not that you’ll need it." "Thanks Viv." Kierstan made her way backstage at the concert hall and ran right into Lyndsay. "Hey K, we missed you today." Kierstan smiled. "Are the guys done yet?" "Yeah, just got out of the showers. I think they’re doing meet and greet." "Thanks." "Oh, hey, there’s Kevin’s mom, I’ll catch up with you later okay?" "Yeah, sure." Kierstan replied as the girls rounded the corner towards the meet and greet area. She made her way past a crowd of girls that seemed to be engulfing Nick, who didn’t seem to be minding the attention. Howie and Kevin were talking with a few on the other side of the room and Brian had singled one out, they appeared to be deep in conversation on the couch. But she couldn’t find AJ. She hated to interrupt Brian but she had to find him. "Brian?" He looked up from the girl he had been talking to, "K!" "Hey, um…do you know where he is? AJ, I mean…is he around?" Brian pointed towards the corner of the room and Kierstan had that same sick feeling in her stomach like the one that had hit her in her dream. AJ was standing with the girl from the dream. Standing too close with the girl from the dream. Kierstan watched as the girl raised her hand to AJ’s face and could make out the words "love you AJ." She looked to Brian but he was already back talking to the girl on the couch. She wanted to get out of the room before AJ could see her. She had to. How could I let Viv talk me into this. I knew it was more than a dream she thought. Tears begin to flow and she could hear herself utter the same words as she had the night before. "AJ?…AJ…why?" He looked up from the girl with a look of total confusion on his face. Kierstan turned to make her way out of the room but bumped into Nick. "Where are you going K?" She jerked free from his grasp and began to run out of the room. |