| *Kelda Khronicles* |
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| Cup Castrophe |
| When you’re pregnant, your whole body changes. Nothing is spared. My hair has gone from the color of spun gold to the lovely color of mud. Speaking of hair, little tiny black pieces are sprouting in places I don’t think hair belongs. Never before in my life did I need to moisturize my skin. The list is endless. Yet, the changes that are hardest to deal with are the losses of hand to eye coordination and physical agility. I used to be one of those people who could make quick saves. I could drop something from my right hand and catch it with time to spare in my right. I could save a child’s falling cup of red fruit punch from landing on white carpet with out spilling a drop. My reflexes were sharp, my timing incredible, my body agile and my ability to carry out these saves were a sight to see. I was famous for this. Now it’s different. I’m a walking disaster waiting to happen. Hell, I can’t even walk a straight line- I bump into walls and chairs. Small children are hard to see if they are standing underfoot because I can’t SEE my feet. If I’m not careful, I’ll plow right over them. I have pummeled my niece on more than one occasion. My cats have learned to avoid walking to close to me for fear I’ll step on them again. I’ve dropped countless plates and glasses and all my attempts to save them from hitting the floor are fruitless. When I sit at a table, people move their drinks out of my arms reach. This is what my family gets to experience. It’s worse when I’m in public. I was in a bookstore a few weeks ago. I was looking at some of the merchandise by a checkout counter. There was a beautiful potted plant sitting on the corner of that counter. Somehow, perhaps it was because I moved my arm, I managed to knock the plant off the counter and onto the floor. There was a loud crash. Dirt was everywhere and all eyes were upon me. I was so mortified. I was even more embarrassed when I tried to bed over to pick up the mess I just made. I couldn’t do it-I had too much belly and not enough arm. I then attempted a squat and fell on my bottom. It took a few minutes for me to erect my body in an upright position and by that time the clerk had begun mumbling something about not getting paid enough. My new clumsiness leads to much embarrassment. Sometimes I’m lucky enough to not have to share the humiliation with anyone else. Today was a good example of that. I went to my OB appointment today. If your pregnant, you’re familiar with the ritual of peeing in a cup and submitting it too the nurse via a special urine sample cubby. Every visit, I’m handed the little cup and I go to work. Most of the time I don’t need to urinate and the sample is sparse. Still, a pregnant gal can always pee at least once when she doesn’t feel the need to thanks to baby pushing on bladder. Today was one of those times. I got the sample in the cup, which is no sweat because I’ve had 8 months of practice. I placed the cup on the sink. Now, this sink does not have a counter top or lots of space for the cup on the ledge by the tap. And I can’t maneuver my body to place the cup behind me on the toilet tank top. It’s a catastrophe in the making for me. I turned on the faucet to wash my hands. That’s when the lidless cup of my urine tipped over. I was horrified as I watched the sample spill onto the little bit of ledge there was and run down the sink towards the drain. Those few seconds seemed like an eternity. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to pee again. I knew I did not want to tell any of the nurses I spilled my sample. I had a bad enough reputation for being a complete klutz; I didn’t want to add to it. What was I going to do?! I had to think quickly and I did. I turned of the tap and picked up the cup. There was just a tiny, tiny bit of urine left in the cup. There was still a bit left in the sink that hadn’t made it down the drain. I scooped some of it up with the cup so there’d be a satisfactory amount of sample. I just hoped they wouldn’t notice the soap bubbles. Wait a minute! I felt the pangs of panic. Soap bubbles? I double-checked the cup. Yes, Soap bubbles. How was I to explain that? Someone must have spilled soap in the sink prior to my visit to the bathroom and the running water spurred the proper reaction for the creation of suds. Now my pee was bubbly! I took a deep breath and then placed the cup in the collection cubby thingy, praying they wouldn’t take the specimen until the bubbles had settled. I didn’t really want to explain why I had sudsy urine. I cleaned up the rest of the mess as thoroughly as possible and washed my hands. Then I made my escape back to the waiting area. I was glad it was all over. I just hope it doesn’t happen again. Being pregnant is definitely and experience I won’t forget. I know mentally, I’ll never be the same again. I’m mommy now. That isn’t going to change. That’s the fun part. Physically I hope I do change. I’m tired of being a big, fat klutz with mud colored hair and alligator skin. I also hope my OB won’t call me tomorrow to ask why I had soap in my urine. |