| *Kelda Khronicles* |
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| It's Not So Easy- Part 2 Page 2 |
| Mentally and intellectually I was defunct. I found that I could not express myself clearly. I was not organized in my thinking. I found taking part in any form of conversation extremely difficult. It was frustrating. It was doubly frustrating because family surrounded me. Friends were calling to see how I was doing. Every one had advice to offer, a million questions to ask me and lectures to give me on every possible aspect of abuse. Everyone I knew was coming out of the woodwork and wanted to see me and socialize with me once again. The worst part was is that none of these people really could relate to what I was going through. None of them really seemed to try either. And I didn’t have to mental skills anymore to communicate this to anyone. I felt trapped with in myself. The lectures I received really made me feel ashamed of the abuse and I began to feel like it really was my fault. I felt like somehow I had asked for it. I felt stupid and I was starting to think that maybe all those terrible things my husband said about me were true. Had I not been completely out of contact with my husband, I might have, at this point, gone back to him like so many others do. I began just to want to be left alone for a little while. I needed some space to breath. I went from one situation where I never had any peace to another that was just the same. Peace is all I really wanted. I think that’s all any survivor wants when they first leave. Just some time to sit back and listen to the glorious sound of nothing and not have to worry about when the abuser will come and spoil it. When the emotional exhaustion started to wear off, I wanted to be around people who could relate to what I was going through. I wanted to release and share my emotions and my pain with people who would not try and evaluate me to find out why I put myself in the position to be abused in the first place. I didn’t feel I could open up to those around me because of this. Sure, everyone around me meant well, but they didn’t make me feel well. I needed honest support and I never realized how little honest support there was out there. It’s hard to give specific examples of the emotions that occur during and after abuse. If you wrote down every possible emotion on little slips of paper and placed them in a hat, then reached your hand in the hat blindly and grabbed a fistful of those slips a paper, you could get an idea of what it’s like. It’s like drawing for lots of door prizes, only all at the same time. The emotions are random and unpredictable and a little different each time. I was lucky to find it in a wonderful group of survivors and victims who I could relate to. I had a sounding board for my feelings. My emotions were not picked apart to find out what was wrong with me. I could be angry. I could be sad. I could be afraid. I could express myself incoherently and still be understood. I felt listened to. I felt my feelings validated. I felt my emotions honestly again. Nobody claimed to know what I should do. Nobody told me they had all the answers. The best part was I once again had equal footing with the rest of the world. With all that emotional support, I was able to regain a lot that my abuser took from me. I started expressing myself better. I started standing up for myself when someone tried to tell me I was the one with the problem. I started to find real value and strength in myself again. I could once again trust my instincts. All these things had been beaten verbally and physically out of me. I don’t think all survivors are this lucky. I saw what kind of support was out there. I found there was a lot of victim blaming going on. How that helps anyone is beyond me. The victim gets blamed for everything by their abuser enough as it is. The things the abuser worked so hard to convince you of end up being reinforced by those who give support that involves victim blaming. The thing with surviving abuse is in order to do so, you have to have meaningful emotional support. Otherwise, you can’t reclaim what an abuser steals from you. You just get more lost. I don’t see how that does any good. How can so many people miss this point? I wasn’t prepared for the emotions I encountered. I can’t see a way that you can prepare yourself for any of this. I can’t understand why so many people think it’s so incredibly easy to escape domestic violence. They also think it’s easy to get the emotional support afterwards. The truth is, it’s not easy to leave or get that much needed healthy support. I’ll never tell anyone it is. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m glad I did it, but I also realize how incredibly lucky I was and still am. And that’s just not fair, but neither is abuse. |