| Chapter 30: Clarity and Closure Howie was aimlessly flipping channels when he heard the doorbell ring. He got up and answered the door. “Lau, hey.” “Hey Howie, can I come in?” “Sure,” Howie let Lauralee inside. “Here, have a seat,” he led her to the couch. “So what’s up? How’s the shoot coming?” “Good, real good. Can we talk?” “Sure, you know you can talk to me about anything.” “What really happened at the wedding?” “The wedding?” Howie tugged at his collar. “I told you I wasn’t feeling well, so I left.” “In what way? I mean, you seemed to be fine on the dance floor.” “Probably the food.” “Funny, because Celia left about 5 minutes after you did.” “Yeah, I guess I wasn’t the only one.” “Howie,” Lauralee touched his hand. “It wasn’t the food, and you know it.” Howie snatched his hand away from her. Oh man, she knows! He stood up and faced her. “OK, how did you find out?” Lauralee stood up. “Celia came to the soundstage with some papers and broke down. She told us everything.” “Oh,” Howie said in a whisper. “Howie, I just think…” “You know, I don’t give a damn what you or anyone else thinks!” “Well, you’re going to! I care about you Howie! So does everyone else! But you think that maybe, just maybe, that someone cares for you that is more than a friendship!” Lauralee stopped to calm herself. “Howie, Veronica was my best friend in the entire world. I remember the way she would look at you, the way you looked at her. It seemed that you guys were the only two people in the world who were in the room. She loved you more than life itself. Look.” Lauralee went into her bag and pulled out a book. “Remember this?” Howie took the book from her hands. He grazed his fingers over the leather bound cover. “Veronica’s journal.” “Turn to the last page,” Lauralee instructed. Howie opened it to the ribbon that marked the entry. He looked at it as the tears welled up from his eyes. “You read it.” Lauralee wiped her eyes as she took the book from his hands. “Another album is almost complete, and I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life. I’m in a state that I love; have my own home, career, and a man that I am completely in love with. It’s times like this that I think about the future, what my life would be like.” “I see kids, and lots of them. If there’s one thing Howie and I agree on, it’s that we will have a large family. My smile, Howie’s dark eyes, and share our passion in music. I see us teaching our kids to sing, who knows, maybe they could be the next Jackson 5, excuse me, Dorough 5. I see a sprawling house, with a wraparound porch, the warm smell of flowers and the palm trees blowing in the breeze.” “The future is clear now and so much for me that if Howie asked me to marry him, I would elope in a second. He is my soul mate, my reason I was put on this earth. I won’t ever be without him.” Lauralee closed the book. “That was her last entry. She wanted to be with you for the rest of her life.” “You think that I didn’t know that! I’ll be right back,” Howie went into his room and came out with the box. “Here! Open it!” Lauralee opened the box and looked at the ring. “Oh, oh Howie.” Howie ran his fingers through his hair. “I was gonna propose to her that weekend. I didn’t tell you guys because I didn’t want you all to freak out.” “Howie,” Lauralee started but Howie walked away. “Look, I know that you were upset about Veronica, hell, you remember what state we were all in. We all won’t ever let go of her. She was special. She had her whole life in front of her, and someone took it away. But there’s a line we have to draw. If we were still in grief, we wouldn’t be able to function. You have functioned in everything else but love.” “I can’t leave Veronica, I just can’t.” “You’re not leaving Veronica, Howie. You’ll never leave her. But you can’t love a ghost. Veronica wouldn’t want this. She wants you to go on with your life. You told me that no two loves are the same. Celia is not Veronica. She’s different. She’s for you.” Lauralee put her hand on Howie’s shoulder. “Maybe in a another life, you and V would’ve been together. But here we are in another world, another time. You can’t turn back.” “I don’t know…” “OK, then don’t listen to me, but listen to someone else.” “Who exactly?” “You know who.” Howie looked at her. “I need to visit someone.” The next day… Howie walked up the porch and rang the doorbell shakily. He listened as he heard footsteps come to the door. A woman answered the door and gasped. “Howie? Is that you?” “Hi Mrs. Passaro.” Carmela Passaro welcomed him with a huge hug. “Come in, come in.” Howie walked inside, remembering the way the house looked and smelled. He saw pictures of Carmela and her husband, Anthony, and the platinum record plaque on the wall that Veronica had given to her parents. “This is such a surprise! Anthony will be home from work in a little while. Here, have a seat,” Carmela offered Howie a seat on the couch. “So what brings you by?” “I figured I haven’t seen your lovely face for so long…” Howie started as Carmela swatted his shoulder with her hand. “Always the flirt. You still can make a grown woman blush. Seriously, what brought on this sudden visit?” “Well, a lot of things. I’m sorry I haven’t visited you sooner, but…” Carmela put her hand up. “I understand, really I do.” “You do?” “I know it must have been hard. It probably brings back a lot of memories for you.” Howie looked down at his hands. “Yeah, it does.” “Howie?” He looked up at Carmela. Veronica was definitely her mother’s daughter. It was like looking at Veronica twenty years from now. The tears stung his eyes as Carmela cocked her head to the side. “I just…” he started crying as Carmela hugged him. Carmela picked his head up and looked at him. “You just what?” “I… just can’t stop thinking about her. Everything about her clouds my head as if she was still here.” Carmela took a deep breath. “Howie, there’s not a day in my life that I don’t think about her. She was my flesh and blood; she was and is a part of me. Sometimes there are days where I have to will myself out of bed in the morning. And sometimes I’ll take a walk and look at something that reminds me of her, which will make me laugh. Grief is a funny thing. It comes and goes when you least expect it. I will never forget the pain, but I need to move on with my life. I don’t think she would want me in a bed for the rest of my life. She doesn’t want you in bed either.” “It’s not that I haven’t moved on with my life, but with one thing in particular. It’s, well, I met someone. She’s really nice, beautiful, smart, and funny. However, every time that I have these… feelings, I think about Veronica. I feel that she would think I was betraying her if I pursued it.” “Wow,” Carmela sighed. “Let me ask you this. If the situation was reversed, would you want Veronica to be happy?” “Yes.” “Would you want her to be alone for the rest of her life?” “Well, no.” “Honey, I don’t think she would want you to be in the same situation.” “But how do I know that?” “You can ask her.” Howie looked at her as if she had a screw loose. “Huh?” Carmela grabbed her bag. “Let’s go for a ride.” ~*~ Howie and Carmela walked through the open field, with the air so still you could hear the cars on the street, which was about a mile away. Carmela took another step forward, but Howie stopped. “I don’t think I can do this.” Carmela took his arm. “You haven’t been here yet?” “Nope, not since…” Carmela gave him a reassuring pat. “I think it’s time,” she urged him on. They both stopped at the headstone, overlooking the rest of the city. Carmela kneeled down and touched the edge of the headstone, running her fingers along it. “Hi sweetie.” She stood up and looked at Howie. “I come here every week and talk to her. In fact, I placed a stone bench so I could sit. I tell her about what’s going on, problems that I have. Maybe it’ll help you.” Howie nodded, standing there absolutely frozen, and gripping the bouquet of roses in his hand so tight it was going numb. “I’ll leave you alone,” Carmela turned around as Howie stopped her with a pleading look. “You’ll know what to say.” She walked away as Howie remained. Finally, after a few minutes, he knelt down and placed the flowers by the grave. “Hi V,” he whispered. He took a seat on the bench. “I’m sorry I haven’t visited you, but I just couldn’t bring myself to coming.” He took a deep breath and paused for a few minutes. He thought it was crazy, but found it to be very natural. “Baby, I miss you so much I can’t even breathe. I want you here so bad I actually hurt. There are times when I can’t even look anywhere without thinking about you.” “The girls are OK, well, some of them. They miss you, and although they’re doing an album, they wish with all their hearts you were here. They told me when they were thinking about quitting, they came here and you helped them out. Your mom said the same thing. Maybe you can help me.” “I moved on in everything else: my job, my business, my family, but there’s one thing I can’t move on, and that’s you. However someone came in my life. For the first time, I felt comfortable around a girl, besides the group. Then, one day, something happened. We kissed. But I couldn’t get you out of my head. Now, I’m avoiding her and I’m more confused than ever.” He knelt down, gripping the sides of the headstone. “Oh God, someone, give me a sign! Veronica, tell me what to do!” He escaped into sobs at this point, hugging the headstone as if it was her. He felt a strong breeze blow past him, even though a few minutes ago it was very calm. Howie looked up at the trees, swaying with such fervor he thought they would fall down from the roots. He shielded his eyes from the passing dust that stung his skin like little needles piercing his flesh. Closing his eyes, he saw things, visions. Memories replaying in his mind of every moment he had with Veronica. They went in flashes: every kiss, every touch, and every smile they exchanged. Phrases of conversations rang in his ears, her voice echoing in his head like some sweet melody. He wanted to smile, be in this moment forever, staying in this trance that was consuming him. The feeling of warmth he had not felt in so long. It was fading, escaping into a dark tunnel. He reached out, trying to hold on to the warmth. He was afraid, afraid to have that feeling of cold emptiness again. Surprisingly, it didn’t happen. The warmth didn’t leave him. In fact it was fresh, a combination of old and new. It was strange and questioning. The memories were there, but they weren’t surrounding him anymore. A light now surrounded him, no consuming, but freedom to move and see what was before him. He heard Veronica’s voice, not of the past, but now. You’ll always be a part of me… but you have a second chance… I love you He opened his eyes abruptly to a calm sky again, as if the wind never happened. He looked at himself, still clutching onto the headstone. He stood up and looked at the headstone, placing his hand on it and smiled. His smile was true for the first time. Kneeling down, he reached in his pocket and pulled out the ring. Using his hands, he ripped away some of the grass by the headstone and scooped out some dirt. He placed the ring in the hole and covered it with dirt. Patting it down, he stood up again and kissed his hand, pointing it towards the sky. “Goodbye Veronica,” he backed away from the grave and walked up to Carmela. “Everything OK?” Carmela asked. “It will be,” Howie sighed and looked back. “Now that I’ve said goodbye.” Chapter 31 Contents Chapter 29 |