Author’s Note: This is a story I wrote a couple of years ago. It came to me while getting ready to put up the Christmas tree, when I found the poem by Clement C. Moore among the Xmas stuff. Then I imagined how it would sound if it were Detective Skanky who was telling the bizarre Christmas Eve experience to a co-worker. Not Nick, of course, because I simply can’t imagine Nick Knight getting drunk with Skanky. Can you? It was published for the first time in the 1997 Christmas edition of the English section of "El Universal" newspaper in Mexico (But they did not pay me for it.)
Warning: Spoilers for the poem. And I know Skanky only had one daughter, but the guy in the poem has several, so let’s just pretend, OK?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
So, it's Christmas Eve, right? The whole house is reeeally quiet. I remember thinking the exterminator's finally done a good job this time, 'cause I can't hear those darned mice anymore. So, I'm all through getting all the presents under the tree and I'm ready to go to bed. Man, those stockings were hard to hang up by the chimney! Nobody told me when we bought the house the mantle wasn't cement but concrete. Had to use a drill to get those nails in. But, hey! The kids were all excited about Santa coming to the new home for the first time and all, and I wasn't gonna disappoint them, was I?
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
Anyway, Kids are in bed already, dreamin' ... you know ... candy, new bike, -- Billy'd asked for the new Street Fighter vid-game, ...you know, the one where ... never mind -- So, as I said, they're asleep, and I figure it'd be a good idea to get a bottle of champagne, mmm?... Maybe ask Myra to put on the new nightgown I got her for Christmas and have a little... adult entertainment now that the kids are ... What do you mean?... Hey, man, I'm not the one who gets kinky when he wears a Darth Vader costume on Halloween! ...Who says so? Your wife says so, that's who! ...No, she didn't tell me. She told Myra... No, she hasn't told anyone else. So, shut up'n listen.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
As I said, I get the champagne, and we're just getting in the mood when, all of a sudden, I start hearing all this noise in the backyard, like the darn Kentucky Derby's goin' on. So I say what the f...? and I get out of bed. Myra says we gotta call 911, but I say waitaminute.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave a luster of mid-day to objects below;
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
So, I open the window... and there's nothing there! No fifth cavalry or anything. Nothing but this teeny sleigh pulled by the proverbial eight reindeer. It's got this little guy in red inside. You know, a little Santa? And I think it must be a toy one of the neighbor's kids left when they came to play, 'cause my kids don't really go for stuff like that. They're more into those ninja ...power-ranger-mutant-zodiac-trooper things.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted and called them by name:
"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away, all!"
But then, suddenly, -- you're not gonna believe this -- the little sleigh starts to fly! And I think, you know, what'll they think of next? But then the little guy starts to whistle and shout in this little voice, sounded like those little blue guys in the cartoons, the smurfs? And he shouts, "Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen!" -- I thought a vixen was some kind of a fox -- Anyway, he says, "On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donder and Blitzen!" -- No. He said Donder, not Donner... How should I know, man? That's what he said!... And he keeps whistling and shouts something like: "To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now, dash away, dash away, dash away all!" ... Dash away... Who knows why he said that? Maybe he was just rhyming, man! Jeeze!... Sure sounds better than "giddy-up" or "get the lead off" or "beat it"!... No, I'm not making it up. I'm telling you it happened!
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So, up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys -- and St. Nicholas too.
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
So, up goes the little sleigh -- are you listening? Yes, I'll have another one, thank you. ...It's my round? I thought the last one was mine. ... O.K. If you say so. But, shut up and listen. So, I hear the clatter of their hoofs on the roof and I hope to God they don't break the tiles 'cause I just replaced half of them’n it cost a bundle.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
And when I turn around, guess what? Myra's gone back to sleep! And I think there goes another wasted champagne bottle. But now I'm hearing noise down the chimney, so I start going down the stairs, but I get the kids' baseball bat first. You never know these days. But when I get to the den, I realize it's the little fellow!
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of his pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
By this time I'm already thinking maybe it's a really short midget, you know, a burglar? And I'm sure he's going to steal the Christmas presents, 'cause he's got this tiny bag with him. But then -- you won't believe it... Heck! I don't believe it! -- the little guy starts growing! And he ends up being taller than me! So I put down the bat and think, hey! If the guy wants the presents he's welcome to 'em, man. I'm not gonna argue.
But when I look at his clothes, I realize he's no crook, 'cause his suit's all made of fur, head to toe, man! This guy must be loaded to afford an outfit like that! And he's all dirty from the ashes and soot 'cause we'd just had a fire going that evening, and I figure sending that to the cleaner's really gonna cost! But he doesn't seem to mind at all. He's just smilin' there. Got one of those crooked pipes in his mouth, ...but it wasn't lit. Good thing too, 'cause you know how Myra gets when you smoke in the house.
A bundle of toys he held flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
Then I notice the bag. It's full of packages, man! And he gives me this funny look, with a sort'a twinkle in his eye, like my grandpa used to give me when he was gonna take me to the ball game and he knew I wasn't supposed to go 'cause I was grounded but we snuck out the back door? And the guy gives me the same look and right away I'm not scared anymore. And then he smiles and his cheeks are so red I think for a moment he must be wearing makeup or something. And his nose, man! Round like a cherry it was. Reminded me a little of Buddy Hackett, you know: broad face, little round belly shaking all over the place like Jell-o. --What? ... No, I don't know what they say. ... There's always room for ... Oh, ha, ha. You jerk! Are you gonna let me finish the story?... OK, then shut up or I’ll just leave you here and... dash away home!
He was chubby and plump -- a right jolly old elf --
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
So, you know, the guy's so chubby and all smiles and all, and I'm thinking I bet this guy's never heard of Jenny Craig. And I can't help myself and I start giggling like a kid. And all this time, I'm thinking Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Either that or I should've started taking Prozac years ago. ... No. I wasn't drunk! You know how Myra gets if I ... Oh! Now. ... Course I'm drunk now! You think I'd be telling you this if I wasn't?
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
No. He didn't say if it's true he lives there. Didn't say anything, actually. Not a word. He just got busy and started filling the kids' stockings with stuff. ... I don't know, ... kids' stuff! I sure wasn't going to ask him what was in the packages, was I? Heck! The guy was giving them to my kids! ...Yes, I'm sure. He wouldn't take the check I offered. He just turned around when he was through and put his finger aside of his nose,.. like this, ... and nodded. And then he shrunk again and went into the fireplace. It was as if he'd asked Scotty to beam him up, 'cause he went up the chimney like a flash.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And they all flew away like the down of a thistle,
And then I heard him whistle again and I went to the window and saw the little sleigh fly away ... wwhhoooosshhh! ...like a U.F.O. And it was then that I realized I hadn't brought down the videocam. Can you imagine how much Eyewitness News would have paid for that tape? But, ... I was feeling so good with the old guy,... like I was a kid again, you know? So I really didn't mind not getting it on tape. And when I was going back to bed, ... I swear I heard his little smurf's voice again...
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
...and... you know what, man? I just realized something,.. If you don't believe me,... I don't care.