Every time we pick up a product, we are bombed with a list of do's and don'ts.  I and the rest of my readers know that the reason that they have this list is for the 10% of the population in this world that are stupid enough to do the items listed.  Some of the things that have been posted and just make me scratch my head and wonder are:
1. Do not put your hands or feet under the mower while the blade is running.  This is a very strong warning.  I wonder if it helps?  I mean, if the person is stupid enough to do that in the first place is he smart enough to read the directions?  Can you just see Mr. Moron standing by the mower with a bloody stump reading the directions saying " Oh, I guess it does say not to do that"!  Well he has 1 more time to screw it up.
2.  "Watch out for hot grease"  on a fry daddy.  What does one expect to come out of a fry daddy?
3.  "Do not use hair dryer while sleeping" on a sears hair dryer.  Not I would like to meet the stupid person that did this and caused the company to put the warning label on the product.  Could you imagine the conversation.
Reporter: So tell me what happen to your hair?
Moron: Well I wanted to have my hair dry by morning, so I sleep with the hair dryer on.  I woke up to the smell of smoke and low and behold the whole fire department was their to put out my hair.
Reporter:  Did you learn anything from this experience?
Moron:  Yap, I put a smoke alarm above my bed so next time the neighbors won't have to call the fire department.  And I wrote Sears and told them they have a problem with this product.

That is how we get some of the stupidest directions on our products.  So I dedicate this page to the morons of our society.  This will be a page for them to go to, to look up what other hazards might be awaiting them.  I ask all my readers to send in real directions that were printed for the morons and I will post them.  I will go one step further.  If you can think of a good one that hasn't been printed yet then send that in to.  Maybe we can save a few forest by not having the manufactures print up unnecessary instructions.  I am going to start with a few of mine.
1. On the bottom of trees, have a person with a branding iron stamp " Warning climbing of tree may lead to fall.  Climb at your own risk."
2. On all car doors "Warning, Slaming of door on you fingers hurts like hell and may lead to severe injury.  Please insure all fingers and toes are out of the way before slamming the door closed."  This could be put on all house doors too.
3.  "DO NOT DRINK THIS." to be put on all products in bright letters that mankind should not drink. This would cut down of the consumption to toilet bowl cleaner but I am sure the product would survive.
4.  Do not fly this product during lighting storms or in winds above 100 mph" on all kites, hang gliders, and other items of this sort.
5. This is a real warning of a plastic bottle of crisco oil " DO not refill with hot oil, and, Do not carry pot until cool."  So who was the stupid person that did this.  Oh, yap, that is the person with the white guaze on their hands.
CRIMINAL IDIOT

  The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash.  The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

  THIEF IDIOTS

  Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.  Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.  With the chain still attached to the machine.  With their bumper still attached to the chain.  With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

  RETAIL IDIOT

  I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.  So I signed the credit card in front of her.  She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.  As luck would have it, they matched.

  IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

  I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.  The reason ... Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

  IDIOTS IN THE CLASSROOM

  I was sitting in my science class when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year.  My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.  Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

  IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

  My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

  AN IDIOT'S IDIOT

  Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying"
was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.  Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

  LOUISIANA IDIOT

  A man walked into a 7-11, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.  When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.  The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer? Fifteen dollars.
  [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

  ARKANSAS IDIOT

  Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.  He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.  So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.  The cinder block bounced back and hit
the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.  Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.  The whole event was caught on videotape.

  NEW YORK  IDIOT

  As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran.  The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.  Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher.  They put him
in the car and drove back to the store.  The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive  ID.  To which he replied "Yes, Officer .....that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from."

  SEATTLE IDIOT

  When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.  Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.  A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of  the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Ohio Dummy:
Columbus, Ohio (AP) A robber who attempted to make off with a drug store cash register made a hasty getaway.  A bit too hasty, perhaps.
    Police say when the man tried to take the cash register, he ripped off the top of it, leaving the money behind.
   Police responding to a call Wednesday night didn't have any trouble spotting the man as he ran down the street with his arms full of machinery and dangling wires.  The man fled into a tavern with police close behind and eventually gave himself up.
    Drtangyn Sinclair, 33, has been charged with one count of felony vandalism.
Too bad they can't charge him with 2 counts of stupidity.
FROM THE MEDICAL FRONT.
INNER SKELETON
A 63 yr old widow was admitted to the hospital Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.
Note: When having baby, Step 1: Give birth.

FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
NOTE: With gums like that what did he expect?

PING PONG ANYONE?
A 20 yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel.
The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed, along with a ping pong ball.
NOTE: Did they get to keep the cast, and where would you put it?  Perhaps above the mantel?!
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
NOTE: The nurse needs to go back to Anatomy 101.

(OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!)
A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.
While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and in desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in he head until she let go.
Note: I bet he carries several bite sticks now.
12/11/99
Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration
sheets and comment cards:Trails need to be wider so people can walk while
holding hands.

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce
world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more
likely to chase animals.

All the mile markers are missing this year.

Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the
wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.

Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views
without having to hike to them.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please
eradicate these annoying animals.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I
can get reimbursed? Please call __ __ __.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at
night with flashlights.

Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

Need more signs to keep area pristine. (I love this one!)

A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra
bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
Too many rocks in the mountains.

A baby stroller was found to have the instructions attached saying: DO NOT FOLD STROLLER WITH CHILD STILL IN IT.  Ok, I bite who was the jerk that folded up their kid in the stroller.  Never mind,  they would be too stupid to be able to plug in to the internet.  However, if you are the neighbor of that family let them know that they have made it to my stupid page.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, please
 read the following label instructions found on consumer goods:

 On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
 (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

 On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
 Details inside.  (The shoplifter special!)

 On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that
 would be how)?

 On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
 (But it's "just" a suggestion!)

 On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not Turn upside down.  (Too late! You lose!)

 On Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
  (Are you sure???  Let's experiment.)

 On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
 (Was this a problem?)

 On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor Use only.  (As opposed to use in outer space?)

 On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts. (Really???)

 On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, Eat nuts. (I'm glad they cleared that up...)

 On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not
 enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
 

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP??
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting out to give himself up.
----------------------------------------------
WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper
then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
----------------------------------------------
SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly
installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year,"
said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new
security system..."
----------------------------------------------
THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
----------------------------------------------
DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police
station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked
officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed
had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled
a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and
had stuck the wire in his head to try and find the missing brain.
----------------------------------------------
DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't
control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the
lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the
man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
----------------------------------------------
ARE WE ARE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" The man shouted. "This is her husband!"
----------------------------------------------
NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket.

SO MUCH FOR THE ALIBI

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

Next time you think you're having a bad day, recall:

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill
in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer
whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After
weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax, leaving
her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight hours
short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had
left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she
whacked him with a handy plank of wood found by the back door, breaking
his arm in two places. Until that moment her husband had been happily
listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two
thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the capper...

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Here's hoping your day is better than any of these.

12/19/99
  A guy in Michigan buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and
has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend decide to go duck hunting, but, of course, all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with guns, a dog, beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto
the lake ice and get ready.
   Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the
ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large
enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the
back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short,
40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do realize that if they
place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they
(and the new Grand Cherokee) are standing, they risk slipping on the ice
when they run from the burning fuse and they might possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light the fuse and throw the
dynamite.

   Remember I mentioned a vehicle, beer, guns and a dog? Yes, the dog: A
highly trained black lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by
the owner. You guessed it, the dog sprints off across the ice and captures
the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it
hits the ice.

   The two men wonder what to do. They yell, scream, and wave their arms
wildly. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the
shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly
big enough to kill a black lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly
confused, and then continues on. Another shot and the dog, still alive,
becomes really confused and scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners
have gone insane.

   He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on
the stick of dynamite)... under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM ! Dog and
Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very
large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe
standing there with a "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

   The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is not covered.

   He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.

03/05/00Here is one:

Shocked' Man Sues Bars That Served Him

                    TAMPA, Fla. (Reuters) - A Florida man who said he was shocked by 13,000 volts of electricity after climbing up a transformer in a ``drunken stupor'' has sued six bars and stores that allegedly sold him alcohol.

                    Ed O'Rourke also named Tampa Electric Co. as a defendant in the lawsuit filed on Thursday in Hillsborough County Circuit Court in Tampa. He said the utility did not do enough to prevent him from slipping into a fenced, gated and locked substation and scaling the electrical transformer late one night in May 1996.

                    O'Rourke said he was thrown more than 40 feet from the transformer and burned over 60 percent of his body, leaving him with permanent immobility in his right arm and severe scarring. He is seeking unspecified compensation for emotional and other damages.

                    The lawsuit said O'Rourke is ``unable to control his urge to drink alcoholic beverages'' and that the bars and stores negligently served or sold him alcohol despite his ``continual consumption.''

                    The owner of The Waterhole Sports Bar, one of those O'Rourke sued, said he remembers the transformer incident but denied that O'Rourke drank at his bar the night it happened.

                    ``Because he was previously thrown out of here because he was writing on the bathroom walls,'' bar owner Bruce Martin told the Tampa Tribune.

              ``I think it's frivolous. I think it's ridiculous,'' he said of the lawsuit.
I think this guy just needs his ass kicked also and needs to wear a sign saying "I do stupid things when I drink, don't sell me anything"  He should wear this all the time.

Stupid Laws
In Temperance, MS, you can’t walk a dog without dressing it in diapers.

In St. Louis, a law on the books makes it illegal to park your car without turning off the engine. This was to avoid scaring horses.

In Kansas City, KS, saying the name “George Washington” without adding the phrase “blessed be his name,” can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents.

In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered
 forgery.

An old statute in Flint, MI, compels dentists to offer a “slug of whiskey with
 no additional charge to said patient.”

In Manchester, England, an ancient law declares that if a young man
develops a lisp, he must be inspected by a bishop to ensure that he isn’t
developing homosexual tendencies.

The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name “San Francisco.” It
 is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting
 permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San
 Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.

In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man asks for a woman’s hand in
marriage, he must be “inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman’s family’s property, to ensure a harmonious farm life.”

 Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Alabama.

In Salzburg, Germany, any child born on August 18th must be tested for
possible witchcraft. This is due to a local legend that an evil warlock was
born on that day in 1638.

In Cedar Rapids, Iowa it is illegal to kiss on th street
So send in your ideas and I will post them.  Bye for now and may you have a wonderful beautiful day.
Killer

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Updated 12/12/99