(P.S: If you would like an *ahem*ILLEGAL*ahem* Mizz home video of this, please send a check for £1000 payable to Mizz to: I AM A STUPID FUCKING LONER WHO HAS NO LIFE AND HAS NOT EVEN BOTHERED TO READ THIS FIC, PO BOX 1000)
It's the night of the Brits. Over, slap bang in the middle of the tables, sit three hyper, smiling, slightly drunk little Busteds, pleased with their Best Pop award. And so they should be. But they were not expecting a second award...
Award giver: (opens envelope unusually tentatively) And the winner is.... ....OH MY GOSH IT'S BUSTED!
Busted get up from their tables and hug everyone in sight. Charlie punches the air, and James gets on his back in jubilation. Matt gets lost in the crowd, but finally jumps down to the podium, beaming like a Halloween Lantern.
Charlie: (picks up mic) Wahey! Erm, now, we would like to thank....
Cue James Bond theme tune, and plenty of MI6 agents abseiling down from the ceiling....
Agent 1: Stop this NOW! (holds out badge) We are British intelligence, and we have the power to stop the Brits for tonight, and this year.
Everyone gasps.
Agent 2: We have evidence that someone, somewhere here in Earls Court, planned and succeeded to sabotage the British music industry's biggest event of the year.
Justin Timberlake: Hang on.. ...is this like, some kind of joke or something? Is Ashton Kutcher here, wanting to Punk me again? (shouts) Kutcher? You here?
Agent 1: No Mr Trousersnake, Mr Kutcher is not here tonight. We are actually agents, this is actually the Brits, and all this is ACTUALLY happening.
50 Cent: Stop sayin' actually you motherf***er!
Agent 2: (ignores 50) Our prime suspects for this crime.. ...(revolves on podium and points at Busted) are you, Busted. So we shall have to take all these Brit awards away from you.. ...and everyone.
Justin Timberlake: (clutching awards to his chest) Nooooo! You cannot take away my babies! (gets on mobile phone) Mommy! They're stealing my Brits! (starts crying)
Agents swipe statuettes off everyone.
James: I SWEAR, ON MICHAEL JACKSON'S GLITTERED GLOVE, I DID NOT DO THIS! (jumps up and down on the platform) IT'S NOT FAIR DAMMIT! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE HONEST ONE IN BUSTED! I WANT TO GO HOME! NOW! (goes into daydream) Michael Jackson.. ...glittered glove... ..oh how I wish...
Matt: Jesus Christ James, I ain't never seen you like that before. Poor kid. But I swear too, I never did this.
James leaves the building.
Charlie: Neither did I. (coughs)
Silence engulfs Earls Court, and Agent 1 grabs Charlie by the collar.
Agent 1: Mr Simpson! My oh my, are you a blatant liar! (points out lipstick stain on Charlie's shirt) What do you call this?
Agent 2: I do believe, Sir, that Mr Simpson slept with Cat Deeley, who seems to have mysteriously left the building, last night, in order to rig the Brits!
Gasps from the audience...
Charlie: (breaks down) No! No! It wasn't me! I didn't sleep with her! I slept with.. ...HER!
Charlie points to Mel B (Avid Merrion), who gasps.
Mel B: Oh yes! Lovely breasts, lovely breasts. Was one night in a million I can tell you!
Charlie: (stammers uncontrollably) She w-was.. ..k-kissing me, and it got out of h-h-hand....
Matt: (in gay, melodramatic voice) Oh my lordy! You are sick!
Suddenly, James staggers in, with Cat in his arms, kissing her. The audience is silenced, and Matt turns white as a sheet.
Matt: (pulls them apart) You f***er! You got off with my girl! What am I gonna do now my game's up, I've got the goods, is that enough, there's almost nothing left to say...
Justin from the Darkness gets up on stage and starts cursing Matt and James.
Justin Hawkins: (sings) Get your hands off of my woman, motherf***er!
James: (to Cat) I asked you to dance at the disco, but you said no...
Justin Hawkins: (sings) Love is only a feeling, drifting away...
Agent 1: (interrupts) Wait wait wait! So you're telling me, you ALL slept with her?
James: No, just got off with her.
Matt: Yes, she faked an orgasm.
Justin Hawkins: Yes, in the back of my Mustang! (licks lips)
Charlie: EUGH EUGH EUGH! I am too young for this! One must take one's leave! Mummy, take me home!
Charlie leaves.
Agent 2: So if you all slept with her, doesn't that mean this whole Brits has been totally crashed out?
James: Erm, well, DUH!
Agent 1: Don't you all have girlfriends?
James: Haven't YOU ever heard of kissing, without tongues?
Matt looks startled and screams.
Matt: (screeches) Argh! Yes, I mean ARGH YES NO, I MEAN NO, I MEAN OH HECK!
James: What he means to say, is that 50 Cent got her after that killer night at CD:UK. Matt sold her. Everyone has a price, it's just this one.. ..was worth £2.50...
50 Cent: I don't know what you heard about me, but a bitch can't get a dollar outta me, no cadillac, no perms you can't see, that I'm a motherf***ing P-I-M-P.
Agent 2: Oh my gosh. What will the world come to next? You do know, that this is a family show? The tech team will have a hard time editing this out, you know...
Mizz abseils down. The rope breaks, and Mizz falls to the ground.
Mizz: (staggers up onto her feet) Not if there's ME, they won't.
Matt: (gasps) Mizz? I thought I'd sold you off.. ...for good...
Mizz: Oh no. He thought I was too ugly.
50 Cent: (laughs) Ahh yeah, ya was my little ugly shaw-dee!
Mizz: Well, listen up. Kim here (Kim abseils down, without any injuries) made up a whole thing on PSP, in case this thing ever happened. Then Ruth (Ruth abseils down) put Busted's voices on from a previous tape and wrote an acceptance speech. And then we put Kerr in, to give the award, all for good measure. Here ya go (hands over CD). So you see, ugly shaw-dees are ALWAYS the ones with brains!
Kim: You mean, I was the one with brains. YOU only did the static on Matt's hairdo.
Matt: (gay voice) Hey! Just cus I sold you off, don't mean you have to go all mean on me. I still like you, you know. (blushes) I was just.. ..broke.
Audience go AWW.
Ruth: And hey, Mister (pulls James by collar), don't think I am EVER coming round to yours again, after you got off with that TV slag!
Charlie walks in.
Charlie: (hums) I wanna hold her, wanna hold her tight, got teenage kicks right through the night....
Kim: Charlie where have you been? Missed ya! (hugs Charlie)
Charlie: (yelps) Errr... ...hi Kim!
Beyonce: (sounding a little put out) You never told me you got a girlfriend... ....I got me, myself and I, I know that I will never disappoint myself...
Charlie sides up to Beyonce and growls.
Charlie: (sings in Justin voice) Senorita, I feel for you, you deal with things, that you don't have to!
Kim: CHARLIE SIMPSON! (Kim runs off, having kicked Charlie where it REALLY hurts)
Justin Timberlake: (kicks Charlie in same place) And that's for stealing my song.
Charlie runs after Kim and stops her before she exits the building.
Charlie: No, wait, Kim... ...look, there's just one more thing I have to say to you. Well, not exactly, but-
Kim: (angry) Just say it, ok? Cus I'm gonna go.. ...home.. ..back to Holland. I need a break.
Charlie: Just don't go without me.
Charlie kisses Kim, much to the surprise of the audience. Ruth, however, is not impressed and stamps her foot.
Ruth: You guys! Get a room! How comes all these scenarios end like this?
James: Because it's romantic, that's all. (kisses Ruth)
Mizz: Okay, this is SERIOUSLY gonna be tough to edit out. You guys are going to get seriously bollocked by the fans.
Matt: Yes well, so be it. (kisses Mizz)
Justin Hawkins: (plays the opening riff of I Believe In A Thing Called Love) You know what, there's nothing better than a person who believes in a thing called love.