When Demons Come a Calling - Chapter 4
By Kimmi

For warnings and disclaimers see Chapter 1



Part 18



Sara woke up gasping for air, still caught in the icy grip of her latest nightmare.  Memories of her childhood had always invaded her sleep and although the shrink her social worker had forced her to see for a time had said that they would fade with time, but that hadn’t been the case.  As she got older they seemed to become more vivid until it was like she was reliving it all over again.  Sometimes when she woke up she swore she could feel the cuts, bruises and broken bones she had suffered.  After she had become a CSI the victims she couldn’t help, couldn’t find justice for, joined with her parents in torturing her, their screams mingling with her own.  

The beginning of this nightmare was an achingly familiar one.  The memory that Thomas had made her recount for him several times.  The first time her father had hit her hard enough to snap one of her bones.  

She always tried to be careful, quiet, invisible.  Usually she could make them forget she was there, but not today.  Toady she had the misfortune of tripping over the rug.  She reached out without thinking, grabbing for the table to stop herself from falling.  That’s when the lamp began to wobble, teetering dangerously close to the edge.  For a moment she thought it was going to okay but then it crashed to the floor.  Looking up into her father’s enraged eyes she knew what was coming next.  As his large hand rose and then fell towards her Sara tried to brace herself for the blow, but her tiny six year old body was no match for the full grown man.  

She heard the bone break with a sickening crack just a moment before the pain rippled through her shoulder.  It hurt so much that her stomach rebelled and emptied itself on the floor and she fell into heap .  Of course this only made her father even madder.  

‘You stupid worthless bitch, clean it up! NOW!’

His screams brought her mother out from her hiding place in the kitchen and although she wasn’t as loud in her contempt, her words were just as harsh and stinging.

‘Look at you, lying in your own vomit! You are a disgusting, little piece of garbage.  Stop your bawling right now before I give you something to cry about.  You’re not fooling anyone you know, you’re nothing but a soulless brat.  Do as your father says and clean up your mess.’

Because of the agony every little movement caused her it had taken her nearly thirty minutes to pick up all the glass and clean the floor to her parent’s satisfaction.

The second part of the dream, the one that had woken her, the one that made her stomach lurch and her heart freeze was worse than any other nightmare she had ever had.

Sara pulled the girl out of her bed, twisting her arm viciously.  She ignored the child’s cry of pain and yanked her down the hall.  The little blonde tried to pull away but she just tightened her grip and snarled at her.  “You are about to get a lesson you’re never going to forget.  This is what happens to liars and cheaters.’  

She had put up with a lot of things from the woman lying sprawled drunkenly across the bed, bruises and broken bones, screaming matches that lasted all night, trips to the hospital at three in the morning, being broke half the time because the blonde had blown all their money on booze or weed and even ruining her figure giving birth to her two kids.  But to cheat on her with that man and then try to lie to her face after she had caught them?  She wasn’t going to get away with that.  Catherine had to pay.  

Sara tossed Lindsey into the corner and watched with satisfaction as the girl crumpled to the floor.  She should’ve insisted that they rip that child out of her the second she found out she was pregnant, no matter how dangerous that ‘doctor’ said it was.  Turning back to her wife the brunette promptly forgot about her daughter.  

The knife was heavy in her hand but the weight of it was good, it felt like retribution.  Sara drew back her hand and struck, plunging the blade deep into Catherine’s chest.  The blonde’s eyes flew open in confusion that quickly turned into terror as she realized what was happening.  Her first blow must had hit the woman’s lung because the only sounds in the room were the gurgling sounds as she tried to draw breath, the muted thumps as steel met flesh and the wet squelching noise as the knife was yanked out.  Rage coursed through her veins, driving her, until Cath stopped moving.  

Sara grinned madly as she took in her handy work.  Catherine’s once golden shimmering hair was now matted and crimson with gore.  Her perfect Cupid’s bow lips were twisted into an eternal silent scream.  Her body used to be perfect, vivacious, sexy, now it was a mutilated empty shell.  That suited the brunette just fine, the blonde had gotten exactly what she deserved.

Even though she was now awake, Sara swore she could still feel long smooth handle of the knife.  The phantom blood still coated her hands and smell of copper hung heavy in the air.  She had to swallow hard over and over to keep the bile from rising in her throat.  The urge to wash the slimy red stains off of her skin drove her forward but the pain of trying to get out of bed slammed into her like Mack truck.  Beads of sweat broke out on her forehead and now her heart was hammering in her chest from more than just the nightmare.  

When Catherine had sat beside her, held her hand and told her she was a good person it was easy to push the darkness away for a little while.  But alone in the dim light of the nighttime ICU ward with her demons screaming in her mind an inky gloom descended on her.  Was this twisted version of the night her mother had murdered her father to be her future?  Michael Thomas wanted her to be like him.  What if she already was?

‘Some people are just born bad.’  Warrick had once told her that in the midst of a case, could he be right?  Thomas certainly thought so.  ‘It’s already there inside you Sara.  Your father beat his family and his violence lives within you.  Your mother murdered him and her blood pumps through your veins.  You are a born killer, designed by nature and nurtured by pain.’  When she had asked Grissom if he thought there was a murder gene, he had said ‘I don’t believe that genes are a predictor of violent behavior.’   It wasn’t a definitive resounding NO.  All it meant was that he had no proof one way or the other and he had just been trying to calm her fears.  

Children of alcoholics were more susceptible to the disease than kids with non-drinking parents. Statistics showed that childhood abuse survivors were more likely to harm their children than those that had had a loving upbringing.  There were hundreds of illnesses that were passed from parent to child.  So why not murder?  Was it so farfetched to think that violence could be inherited through genetics?  

It was the biggest reason why she had never even considered having kids of her own, why she had never been comfortable around them.  Because while she wanted to believe that she would never be capable of hurting a child, what right did she have to take that chance?  Kids were fragile, delicate, breakable, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.  Tell a child often enough that they are worthless, and they will begin to believe it.  Tell a child that they deserved to be hurt and they will expect it.  The thought of putting an innocent kid through even the tiniest fraction of the hell she’d lived in for the first thirteen years of her life was enough to unplug her biological clock and throw it out the window.  

Sometimes she found herself wondering where her brother was, if he had a family of his own.  Did he hit his wife?  Where his children intimately familiar with emergency rooms?  Did they flinch when he moved to fast in their direction or when he raised his voice?  Did they know what a hug felt like?  Were they told that they were precious gifts to be treasured or worthless burdens?  Did they know gentleness or violence?  She would probably never know.   

Sara hadn’t seen her brother since he had left home when she was ten. While their parents had doted on him for the most part, even his status as the favorite child, the one they wanted, the one they loved, it hadn’t made him completely immune to their fists and bitter words.  He had taken a fair amount of abuse but it paled in comparison to what had been heaped on her thin shoulders.

Scott had promised her over and over again that he would take her with him when he was old enough to move out but he had lied.  He left one day while she was in school had never looked back, never tried to contact her, never tried to save her.  He had obviously not wanted anything to do with her so she had let him go and never tried to find him.  

“Hey kiddo that looks like an awful lot of heavy thinking for this time of night.”  

Sara looked up in surprise and straight into the smiling eyes of Captain Brass.  She had been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn’t noticed him come in. “Huh?  What are you doing here at… what time is it anyway?”

Jim grinned happily at the verbal response as he pulled a chair over to the brunette’s bedside.  She was talking, that was a good sign.  “It’s a little after three a.m.  One of the perks of the badge is I get a little extra leeway with visiting hours.  I would have come by during but I’ve had a long and busy day.  There was a fifteen car pile up on I-15, with fatalities, then a double in North Vegas and then a drive by on D Street.   Oh well maybe it’s for the best anyway, Catherine said you weren’t up to entertaining guests this afternoon.”

“Yeah, Catherine.”  Sara’s thoughts ricocheted between the conversation she’d had with the blonde and the nightmare she’d just had.  Willows said she wanted to protect her, but who would protect Cath from her?  There had to be a way to get around that damn statement without getting the older woman into trouble, she just had to think.

Brass watched with concern as Sara’s voice faded away and her eyes became unfocused.  He was used to that thousand yard stare at a crime scene when she would get so deep into it that it was almost like she was there but here in her hospital room he didn’t think it was such a good idea for her to be thinking that hard.  “Sara, hey time to come back now.”

Sara snapped back to the present as a large warm hand encased her own and squeezed gently.  She looked up into his worried face for a moment but had to look away.  She didn’t know if she could look him in the eye while she told him the truth.  She hadn’t found the answer she was looking for but she couldn’t wait for it to come to her.  “Jim, there’s something I need to tell you.  Actually confess would be more accurate.”

Chancing a glance up at the man beside her, Sara saw his brows raised in a silent question.  She knew he wouldn’t press her and if she wanted she could chicken out and he would let it drop, but she couldn’t.  Screwing her eyes closed she dove right in, starting with her parents and ending with her assault on Catherine.  The brunette tried not to leave anything out even though it was incredibly painful to tell him.  She needed him to understand what a danger she was, that it was for the best if she was locked up.  “So I guess I need to turn myself in.”

“Oh I forgot to tell you, the hospital sent your tox screen over to the lab.”  

Sara blinked at the apparent non sequitur.  She had just laid her entire life out for the detective and he wanted to talk about tox results?   He was acting like he hadn’t heard a word she had said.  “What?”

Brass knew he had thrown her with his comment but she had really sent him for a loop with her recounting of her childhood and what had happened with Thomas.  He dealt with the victims of horrific crimes every day but this was different, Sara was different.  This was a woman he cared deeply about and she had suffered more than he could ever have guessed.  If he didn’t handle this right he would lose her to herself and the demons of her past.  “Yeah they got it late this afternoon and I saw it about an hour ago, interesting reading.  There was a lot of stuff that I can’t pronounce and have never heard of but I’ve been assured that they’re really unpleasant.  Out of the stuff I did recognize I think the one that really stood out the most was the PCP.”

“PCP?  Angel Dust?”   Sara felt a shudder ripple through her body.  The drug was notoriously dangerous and unpredictable.  It could cause the user to feel unconnected to their body, experience schizophrenia-like symptoms that could take up to two weeks to dissipate, violent behavior, fear, anxiety and panic.  The effects usually depended on the situation and the user’s state of mind.  To give it to someone with a past like hers while she was being tortured was like playing Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun with a hair-trigger.  It certainly explained some of her behavior, but did it excuse it?  

Jim could see the fear in the brunette’s ebony eyes.  She knew even better than he did the effects that particularly nasty drug could have not just on the body but on the psyche of the user.  When he had seen the report he had know immediately that she needed to know.  Now that she had told him what happened while that bastard had held her and Catherine as well as her past he knew coming here in the middle of the night was the right decision.  “There was no mention of any kind of assault by you in Catherine’s statement.  You know as well as I do that without any evidence, no complaining witness and forced drug use, there’s no judge in the world that would sign an arrest warrant.  Hell no prosecutor would even try to bring something like this to trail.  You weren’t responsible for what happened.  In fact, I’m not convinced that anything actually did happen.  It was probably a hallucination.”

No, it had definitely happened.  Catherine had said that it wasn’t her, that she wasn’t herself, but even she admitted that Sara had touched her.  The blonde had given her an out, Jim was giving her an out, the question was could she accept it?  Was she strong enough to fight her past to keep it from becoming her future?  Sara didn’t think she was, not by herself.  But could she break down her walls enough to allow someone to help her?  She had been taking care of herself since she was old enough to realize that no one else was going to.  It wouldn’t be easy to put thirty years of self-reliance aside, but if she wanted to stop her nightmare from becoming her reality she had to try.  “Will you help me?”

Jim’s heart soared at the tentative plea and he grinned widely at her.  “You betcha Peanut. You couldn’t beat me off with a stick.”  

“Peanut?”  Sara couldn’t help the snort of laughter followed by one very fat tear.  No one had ever called her something like that.  It was affectionate, loving, the kind of thing a father would call a daughter.   

“What?  Too Father Knows Best?  Maybe we should stick with kiddo, huh?”  Brass gave her a wink, happy he could lighten the mood even a little.  He had hope that between himself and Willows they could get the brunette through this.  The detective was certain that he could count on the blonde now that he knew how far she had already gone to protect Sara.  

“So we’re okay?”  Sara knew it was a pretty stupid question but she couldn’t stop herself from asking.  Jim had already shown her that he had her back but the last few years had sharpened her insecure nature to a razors edge.  

“Yeah we’re good, as long as long as you’re over this notion of turning yourself in for something you didn’t do.”  He tried to give her a stern look but the smile wouldn’t leave his face.  Brass knew there would be setbacks, but for the moment they were making progress.  

Sara looked into his caring eyes and felt any resolve she had left slip away.  With both Brass and Catherine proclaiming her inculpably and vehemently against letting her do what she thought she had to, fighting was pretty much pointless. Knowing the two of them the brunette was sure that if she tried to go around them they would find a way to stop her.  “I won’t turn myself in.”

“Good, now that that’s settled there’s just one more thing I need to tell you before I let you get back to sleep.  You’re parents didn’t deserve to have a kid like you.  Personally I think you must have gotten switched at birth because there’s no way you could come from a couple of idiots like them.”   Jim knew he had ignored his parental duties, spending his time either on the job or in a local pub drinking but he had never raised a hand to Ellie, he had certainly never abused her.  Sara’s parents were lucky they were either dead or in jail because after hearing what they had done to her he wanted to kill them himself.  

“Thank you.”  Sara gave the hand that had never let go of hers a squeeze.  She hoped the gesture conveyed more than her inadequate words could.  

“No need to thank me, I just call ‘em like I see ‘em.  You know you’ve got a lot of people that care about you, all you have to do is let them.  And I meant what I said yesterday, I love ya like you’re my own, so just keep that in mind.”  Jim stood and started for the door, happy with the outcome this little heart-to-heart.  

“I’ll try to remember that, Dad.”  The smile on his face was all she needed to see to know that she had made the right decision to let him in.  Jim Brass was a good man and if he was willing to take a chance on her she needed to be willing to do the same.  As he left the night seemed a little brighter than it had before.  Maybe there was hope for her with someone like him on her side.  Between him and Catherine maybe, just maybe, she was salvageable .



Part 19



Catherine sighed as she pulled into her neighborhood.  She should have just enough time to shower and dress before heading over to see Sara.  After another restless night the blonde had overslept and then had to fight Lindsey about going to school.  While she was tempted to allow the girl to stay home she really didn’t want her to miss anymore classes than she already had.  In the end Willows had had to promise to be waiting out front when the bell rang and then take her daughter with her to the hospital just to get the child to eat breakfast.  

Whipping into her driveway Cath narrowly missed hitting an all too familiar Denali parked in her usual spot.  She cursed under her breath at the sight of the slumped figure sitting on the steps leading to her front door.  This was the last thing she expected, or wanted, to have to deal with this morning.  Damn it this was going to make her late.

Getting out of her car she paused a moment to really take look at the man.  He didn’t look good.  His skin was sallow and hanging loosely from his normally sturdy frame.  Worry lines were etched so deeply into his face that it looked like it might shatter at any moment.  It was as if he had aged twenty years in twenty-four hours.  The fact that he was still in the same rumpled clothing he’d had on the morning before told Catherine that he hadn’t gone home.  Which meant that he probably hadn’t slept or eaten anything either.  Grissom was falling apart and whether or not she was ready, whether she had the time or not, the blonde was going to have to cope with him.  

“Come inside Gil.”  Catherine said as she walked past him.  Not waiting to see if he was following her or not she entered the house she went straight to the kitchen and started a fresh pot of coffee.   It had already started to fill the carafe by the time she heard the door close, signaling his entrance.  The blonde took a few deep breaths to settle the anger that still wanted to bubble up from the pit of her stomach at the entomologist’s selfish behavior.  She had to remind herself that he was still her friend even though he had acted like a first class jackass.  

“I screwed up, didn’t I Cath?”  Gil had spent his entire shift being glared at by the guys.  They had only spoken to him when absolutely necessary and even then it was in angry clipped voices.  That combined with the impassioned dressing down he had received yesterday from Catherine had made him stop and really consider his actions.  He had tried to give Sara what she had always wanted from him, what he had wanted to give to her, his love.  Unfortunately his timing had likely caused her more pain and just the thought of hurting the woman he loved was enough for him to swallow his pride and go to the blonde for help.

He spoke so softly that Willows thought at first that she had imagined it until she turned around as saw his forlorn eyes looking beseechingly at her.  Did he want her to agree or disagree with him?  Which ever it was, he was going to get the truth.  "Yeah you did.  You want to tell me why?”

He didn’t, not really.  Grissom was an intensely private person.  He had known Catherine for more than ten years and she had barely scratched the surface.  Unfortunately she was the only one that could, and maybe would, help him.  “Most of the time I can push my feelings aside so that they don’t interfere with the job.  I know that everyone thinks that I don’t have emotions, but I do.  I just bury them so deep most people can’t see them.  Every now then though, they claw their way to the surface.  When that happens I have a hard time controlling them.”

“And you’ve been hiding your feelings for Sara for a long time.  So when you realized she might die, you lost it.”  Catherine had known Gil for a long time and she could only remember seeing him lose control a handful of times.  It made sense that under those extreme circumstances he wouldn’t be able to deal with it.  

“I’d pushed those feelings so far down, for so long, that sometimes I was able to convince myself that they didn’t even exist.  Now the vault I kept them secured away in has been blown wide open and I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to lock them up again but I don’t know if I can handle them either.”  It was hard for him to admit a weakness, even to her.  Grissom desperately wanted her to tell him what to do though, because he had no clue.  

“I suggest that you figure it out, quickly.  I told you before Gil that this was about Sara and what she needs right now, not you.  I understand that this is hard for you but just think about how hard it is for her.  Over the course of your career you’ve seen hundreds of rape and abuse survivors, you know the psychological trauma they go through.  The fear, the nightmares, the hyper-awareness of their surroundings, the aversion to being touched, it can take years for some people to get back to some semblance of the person they were before.  Sara doesn’t need you to come charging in on your white horse to sweep her off her feet, she needs you to give her the time and space to deal with this on her own terms.  If you really want to help her, just be her friend.  If you push her she’s just going to run from you as far and as fast as she can.”  Catherine hated the lost little boy look in his eyes.  This was supposed to be the man that had all the answers but here she was explaining the affects of assault on a victim like he was a fresh-faced cadet.  It just didn’t seem right.  She could only hope for Sara’s sake, and his, that he pulled himself together soon.

Grissom nodded his head; where human interaction was concerned he stumbled around in the dark while she walked confidently in the light. That was why he had come to her, even though he knew she was angry with him, Catherine would tell him what to do.  “Do you think I can fix this?   I don’t want to lose her Cath.”

“I can’t tell you that.  You’ll just have to wait and see.  She’ll let you know if and when she’s ready.  Look you’re exhausted and I need to get to the hospital.  Go home, get some sleep and we’ll talk more later.”  Catherine told him as she started for the front door with the intention of ushering him out.  She felt for the guy but Sara was her main concern at the moment.  Her shower would have to wait until after visiting hours now and the blonde was glad that she had taken one before she had went to bed.  

“What?  You’re going to see Sara?  She’s letting us back in?”  Gil jumped up from his seat, everything he and Catherine had just discussed forgotten in the rush of emotions the prospect of seeing the brunette sent through him.  He was already at the door with his hand on the knob when a sharp voice yanked him out of his euphoric haze.

“Stop right there.”  Catherine mentally cursed her slip.  She should’ve told him she was going to go to bed herself and not mentioned the hospital.  Grissom was a brilliant man, intellectually, but he was in uncharted territory trying to cope with feelings that were overwhelming him.  “Yes, Sara is letting me and guys visit her, but she asked that you not come.”

The entomologist’s shoulders slumped in defeat.  Up until that very moment he had still been able to fool himself into thinking that he hadn’t caused too much damage to his relationship with Sara.  But if she didn’t even want him near her, then it was worse than he had imagined.  He had done the one thing he had never wanted to do again, he had hurt the woman he loved.  “Will you tell her I’m sorry, and that when she’s ready I’ll be there?”

Catherine barely got out a yes before her friend was out the door.  She watched his unsteady gait as he shuffled to his truck and thought he probably shouldn’t be driving in his condition.  He completely ignored her though when she called out for him to come back.  With a sigh the blonde closed her front door before sprinting to her bedroom.  Gil was an adult and she was late.

Xxx

Nick looked down at the sleeping woman and unconsciously rubbed his neck as he took in the savage bruising around Sara’s throat.  He had of course seen the marks the morning before but he had been so relieved just to know the brunette was alive that he hadn’t really paid as much attention to them as he should have.  He could scarcely imagine what his friend had must have gone through, what she must have felt and thought while her body was being brutalized.  

Though Stokes didn’t know what the brunette had experienced at the hands of Michael Thomas his own encounter with Nigel Crane gave him a little insight into what Sara would go through now.  Nightmares, paranoia, depression and mind numbing fear would plague her long after the physical wounds healed.  There were still some days that he couldn’t go to sleep until he had checked every inch of his house, especially the attic.  In some ways dealing with the aftermath of an attack was harder than surviving the attack itself.  He was determined to make it easier for the brunette than it had been for him.  

Running his fingers over one unblemished cheek, Nick wondered why the bastard had left her face untouched.  It was usually the first thing guys like him went for, getting some sense of power from it.  Thomas though was something of an enigma to him.  The man escapes from prison and instead of running to Mexico or something he heads straight for Vegas.  He stalks Sara and kills five women just to say hello, when he could have taken her at anytime.  Instead he waits until she’s under police protection so that he has to kill two officers to get to her.  On top of that he kidnaps Catherine and barely lays a finger on her while beating the hell out of the younger woman.  It didn’t make any sense to him.  There had to be more to the story but he knew he would probably never know, the brunette had always been extremely protective of her privacy and he doubted that anything less than a Supreme Court inquisition could drag it out of her.

For a split second Sara thought she was back in that little corner of hell Thomas had carved out for her as she woke to the feeling of a hand caressing her cheek.  Her eyes snapped open and she instinctively jerked her head away from the contact.  At first all she could see were cold and desolate gray walls as she waited in fear for the blows to begin, Michael didn’t like it when she tried to keep him from touching her.  Then a face swam into focus, not the rage twisted visage she expected, but the worried features of a man she knew to be a gentle soul.  She was safe, she was in the hospital and her tormentor was dead.

Nick knew something was wrong the second Sara flinched away from him.  He tried to catch her eyes but her dark umber orbs were darting around the room to quickly.  When her gaze finally settled on him the terror he saw there sent guilt burning through him.  “Hey Sara, easy, it’s just me.  I’m sorry I scared you.”

“It’s okay Nick, not your fault.  I’m sorry I freaked out on you.”  Sara was still trying to get her wildly racing heart under control but she couldn’t let the Texan blame himself.  There was no way he could have known that the simple touch would ignite a firestorm of fear in her, no way of knowing how often Thomas had caressed her face the same way.

“No it’s not all right Sara.  I know better than that damn it.  I don’t know how many days I woke up convinced Nigel was in the house and couldn’t rest until I’d check every inch of the place.  Touching you like that while you were asleep was just stupid!”  Stokes was kicking himself, the last thing Sara needed right now was unnecessary stress.  If he had stopped to think for a second before he acted he wouldn’t have scared the shit out of her.  He of all people knew the kind of havoc an unwanted touch could wreak on a person’s soul.  

As Nick hung his head and refused to look at her, Sara silently cursed her unconscious reaction.  She hated to see him beating himself up.  She never could stand to see anyone suffer but especially not the kindhearted Texan.  Out of all the CSI’s he was the most like her, the most empathetic to the victims.  Certain cases affected him deeply and sometimes he got too emotionally involved.  There were times when the brunette had considered talking to him about it but she always chickened out.  She was afraid if she said something it might bring up questions about her own behavior that she didn’t want to answer.  

Even though it pulled the stitches in her shoulder a little and sent a spike of pain through her cracked ribs, Sara was just able to brush her fingers over his close-cropped hair to get his attention.  “Please don’t blame yourself Nicky.  I’ve woken up that way a couple of times before and it probably would’ve happened again whether you were here or not.”

Stokes looked deep into the brunette’s pleading eyes and gave in, though he continued to berate himself for his lack of thought silently, so as not to upset her.  “So you ah, you’re looking better.  How do you feel?”  

Sara snorted and couldn’t help the small grin that tugged at her lips at his lame attempt to put her at ease.  “Has anyone ever told you you’re a horrible liar?”

“I’ll have you know I’m an excellent liar.”  Nick retorted with a rather large grin on his face.  The appearance of the patented Sidle Smirk warmed his heart.  Now if could just get her to give him one of her famous full blown gap-toothed smiles it would make his day, and he thought he might just know how to do that.  “Caught an interesting case last night, wanna hear about it?”

“Nick you are the world’s biggest Boy Scout, you couldn’t tell a convincing lie to save your life.  And when have you ever known me to not want to talk about work?”  Sara found herself enjoying the easy banter.  It was almost like it used to be, before the weight of one to many gut-wrenching cases had jaded her, before the emotional yo-yoing with Grissom had sucked the hope out of her, before Ecklie had split the team up.  

“Ah but see that’s the thing with good lies, you never know when you’ve heard one.”  Nick laughed as her face contorted with the effort to not smile.  “Anyway last night Mr. Randal Mackey went to open up his store, an adult “bookstore”, at seven P.M.  He unlocks the door, goes inside and turns on the lights to find that the place has been ransacked.  So he of course calls the police.  I process the scene and there are fingerprints and biologicals galore but I can’t find point of entry.  There’s no sign of force or tampering on either the front or back doors and I’m beginning to think the guy staged it to collect the insurance or it was an inside job, so I grab the surveillance tapes on the way out and head back to the lab.  I was out on another case by the time Archie got around to looking at the tapes and I didn’t get back until almost midnight.”

As Nick paused in his narration Sara hoped that he was about to get the good part because a case of insurance fraud just really didn’t seem that interesting to her.  Of course anything was better than their previous topic of conversation, so she would take it.

“So around one, as I’m walking by the A/V lab, Archie grabs me and shows me what he found.  Clear as day you can see the thief shimmying down a rope from the air duct in the ceiling, running around throwing stuff into a bag and then climbing back up.  This guy had somehow found an old exhaust duct from when the place used to be a restaurant and used it to get in.   While I’m dusting for prints I hear this weird noise and at first I couldn’t figure out where it’s coming from.  I hear it again, only this time it’s louder and I can tell it’s a moan coming from inside the duct.  Turns out the guy’s rope broke on his way up and he got lodged against his sack of loot.  By the time we got him out of there he had been trapped for more than twelve hours and let me tell you he was ripe.  When I asked him what he had planned on doing with the thirty videos and the other things he took, the dude actually blushed when he told me it was all for personal use.  He had been too embarrassed to buy them.”  Nick finished his story with a wide grin at the brunette’s slack-jawed disbelief.  

Sara was floored.  She could actually still be surprised by the level of stupidity people could sink to.  “He was embarrassed?  Has this guy been living in a cave all his life?  He never heard of mail-order or the internet?”

“Just think how humiliated he’s going to be when he has to appear in front of a judge?”  Nick couldn’t hold back any longer and started laughing at the memory of the hapless criminal’s stammering reasoning for his crime and the image of what he might look like in court.  

The Texan’s laughter was contagious and Sara found she was powerless to stop herself from joining in.  It was cathartic, for the first time in days she felt something other than pain, fear, remorse, guilt or terror.  For the first time since she had let Willows talk her into letting the guys visit, the brunette felt good about it.  With Catherine and Jim both insisting that she hadn’t been responsible for what happened, with the knowledge that she had been given a dangerous mind altering drug, she was beginning to think that maybe she wasn’t the monster she had previously believed herself to be.  Of course she was still a long way from okay, but she thought that maybe she had taken a step in that direction.  

Nick grinned happily as Sara laughed.  It was amazing to see the way it completely transformed her face.  There were still a few shadows lurking behind her expressive eyes but they didn’t seem as dark as they had been before.  He took a quick look at his watch knowing that his allotted time had to be about up and there were other people waiting to see the brunette.  He hated to go but at least he was leaving on a better note than when he got there.  “Warrick and Greg are still out in the waiting room and if I stay much longer one of them is likely to get someone to come throw me out.  You need anything before I go?”

“You wouldn’t happen to have a toothbrush or a comb would you?”  Sara answered after a moments thought.  She was long past feeling grungy and had entered into the realm of filthy.  Her teeth felt like they were wearing a fur coat and she was sure there was a bird nesting in her hair.  What she really wanted was a shower but she knew it would be a while yet before she was allowed that.

“No but I’ll run down to the gift shop and see what they have.  I’ll give them to someone to smuggle in for you.”  Nick stood and gave her a careful hug.  He thought about teasing her a little but didn’t want to ruin the mood.

Sara watched her ‘brother’ leave and realized that she had found something she had been searching for her entire life, a family that wanted her.  



Part 20


“Hey girl, how’re you feeling?”

Warrick’s soft voice and softer green eyes pulled Sara out of her musings.  “Kind of numb, I just got another shot of pain meds.  You look tired.”  The nurse had come in only seconds after Nick had left, like she had been hovering just outside the door.  It had taken a little convincing but just that morning she had talked her doctor into lowering the dose.  She hated the fact that they knocked her out, because when she was in their grip she couldn’t pull herself out of her nightmares.

“Yeah well with both shifts shorthanded we’re all working on Sidle time.”  Brown was exhausted.  The past week had been hell on all of them and the mental weariness was just as debilitating as the physical.  

“Nick told me about his embarrassed porno thief.  What about you, any interesting cases?”  Sara sucked at small talk and work was a safe topic.  

“Naw just run of the mill cases.”  Warrick wished he had something he could share with her but his night had brought nothing but death and depravity and she didn’t need to here about that.  

As they fell into a stilted silence Sara understood from the look in his eyes what the man wasn’t saying.  The things he had investigated last night were the kind of cases she hated, the kind of case she had become.  

“There’s this new Jazz club that opened a few weeks ago, when you’re feeling better maybe we can go check it out.”  Brown had wracked his brain for a something that wouldn’t upset her and music was the first thing that came to mind.  When Sara had first come to Vegas he had caught her singing a few times when she thought no one was around or when she got so lost in what she was doing the rest of the world just faded away.

“I’d like that.”  Sara smiled as much from the offer as from a memory from one of their cases.  They had been investigating the death of a singer’s wife and while searching the home Warrick had played a few notes on the piano.  It hadn’t been much but she could tell that he had talent.  He had also seemed embarrassed by it so she had never said anything about it.

With the discovery of a mutually enjoyable and neutral topic they discussed favorite bands and genres until it was time for him to go.  

Less than two minutes later Sara was watching the door as Greg came walking toward her room.  Just before he got to the door he suddenly disappeared and the brunette thought at first that he had slipped and fell, until he slid around the door frame low to the ground.  As the young CSI’s eyes darted furtively around the room and back to the hall she could hear that he was humming the theme to Mission Impossible.  

As Greg formed his fingers into the shape of a gun and rushed into the room, practically diving behind one of the large pieces of medical equipment, Sara had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing at his antics.  When he rolled across the floor though, coming to rest on one knee, she lost the battle.  “What are you doing?”

Sanders smiled to himself, his plan was working perfectly.  He stood and walked toward the bed as if he hadn’t just entered the room like a pack of ninjas could be hiding behind every piece of machinery and in every shadow.  He wasn’t finished yet though, as he reached the brunette he turned his back on her and spoke softly out the side of his mouth.  “The long haired man has a new pair of shoes.”

“Greg, have you been using that caffeinated water to brew your coffee again?”  There was a reason the spiky haired goofball was one of Sara’s favorite people in the lab.  The only time he couldn’t make her smile was when she was in the grip of her darkest moods.

“I’m sorry the correct response was ‘The duck is wearing purple pants.’.  I guess I’ll just have to destroy this contraband.”  Greg took the travel sized toothbrush, toothpaste and hairbrush out from under his shirt and waved them in front of the brunette’s face.  

“Nooo, gimme!”  Just the thought of getting the taste of what she was sure was a dead weasel out of her mouth was enough to almost get Sara to beg, almost.  
 
Greg took several long moments to make it appear as though he was seriously considering it before shaking his head.  “These are very valuable items, I can’t just give them away.  I’m going to need something in return for risking life and limb to get them to you.”

“Hand ‘em over Secret Agent Double O Geek or you will regret it.”  Sara smiled at the adorable ex-lab rat to show him that she was only playing.  

“Oh you wound me Milady.  I guess I have no choice.”  Greg opened the packages and handed the contents to her with an overly dramatic flair.  

“Thank you Greg.”  It was more than a little awkward, with a cast on one arm and a bullet hole in the other, but she managed to get some paste on the brush.  “Can you hand me a cup of water please?”

Sanders grinned at the brunette’s stubborn nature.  She was gripping the tooth brush with three fingers of her splinted arm and squeezing the tube with the one weakened by her gunshot wound.  Sara was the most fiercely independent person he had ever met.  The second she asked for water he hurried to retrieve it happy to be of some assistance.  

Sara dipped the toothbrush into the cup before bringing it to her mouth.  It was a slow and uncomfortable process but she managed to finally to get the thick shag carpet off her teeth and it made her feel a hundred percent better, trying to get the tangles out of hair however was a different story altogether.  The frustration and pain nearly brought her to tears before the brush was taken away from her.  

Greg watched as long as he could as the brunette tried first with one hand and then the other to brush out her hair.  Unlike the toothbrush she couldn’t seem to get a strong enough grip with her splinted hand to pull it through the snarled knots.  When she tried to use the other arm he could see how much it hurt her to lift it.  He knew he was risking pulling back a bloody stump but he just couldn’t stand to see her suffering for something so trivial.  Putting his hand over Sara’s to still her he took the brush and began the detangling process as gently as he could.  

Sara fought back tears as Greg tenderly took care of her without a word.  It was so different from the last time someone had done this to her.  After coming home from a trip to the beach she had gone to her room to read without a second thought to her appearance.  It wasn’t until she had come downstairs to fix herself something for dinner that her mother had spotted the windblown tangles.  

The older Sidle woman had already been drinking for several hours by that time and the second Sara heard the slurred demand for her to get the brush she knew she was in for pain.  She had sat as quietly as she could as her mom had pulled, yanked and tore the knots out of her hair sometimes taking bits of scalp with them.  Laura’s sharp voice had only added to the tears the pain had brought to her eyes, ‘filthy little brat, seven years old and you can’t even keep your hair combed’.  After that day she had made certain that her hair was brushed before her mom saw her.  

As youngest CSI finished working out the last tangle and began long strokes the length of her brunette locks Sara allowed herself to relax and enjoy it.  She couldn’t quite believe that she was letting Greg Sanders of all people brush her hair but she trusted him and that made a huge difference.  Plus she had to admit he was good at it.  

When he finally let his hand fall away, the strange intimacy of the moment began to crowd in on her and Sara felt a need to distance herself from it.  “Maybe tomorrow you can paint my toenails.”

Greg had to bite his tongue to keep the comment his mind dredged up from the gutter about preferring to give her a sponge bath from spilling out.  Even he knew that would be inappropriate under the circumstances.  He also understood her need to make light of what had he had done, she wasn’t blowing him off or ungrateful she just didn’t like people to think of her as weak or vulnerable.  “I could borrow some stuff from Cath and we could do a whole makeover.”  

“You actually know how to give someone a makeover?”  Sara didn’t know if she should be impressed or disturbed.

“Hey I’ve got two sisters, one older and one younger than me.  I got used as a guinea pig a lot.”  Sanders’ defense of his manhood was slightly tarnished by the rather large smile spreading across his face.  

“Well I think we should wait until after I get out of the hospital, or at least until they let me take a shower first and then we’ll discuss it.”  Sara was pretty certain that a snowball had a better chance in hell than her young friend had of painting up her face.  She was sure that she would either come out of it looking like a clown or a two dollar hooker.

“It’s a date.”  Greg smirked at her as he rose to leave.  “I’ll see you this afternoon.”

Sara rolled her eyes at his back as he walked to the door.  “See you later.  And Greg, thanks, for everything.”

Xxx

Catherine cursed under her breath as she rushed through the waiting room towards the nurse’s station.  She was incredibly late and could only hope that Sara didn’t think that she had abandoned her.  She was so focused on her destination that she didn’t see the quirky former DNA tech until she nearly plowed over him.  She was actually glad to see him, if he was just leaving then that meant that the brunette hadn’t been alone.

“Sorry about that Greg.  How’s she doing?”  Willows couldn’t help but notice the huge grin on the young man’s face.

“Huh?  Oh no problem Cath.  She’s doing good, better, I think.  What about you?”  Sanders tried to pull his mind away from the brunette down the hall and concentrate on the blonde in front of him.  He was just so thrilled that Sara had let him help her and had had a smile on her beautiful face almost the entire visit.  He knew perfectly well that even though he still harbored a bit of a crush on her she would never feel the same way about him, but he would gladly take her friendship and any tiny bone she might throw his way.  

Catherine unconsciously ran a hand through her hair, lightly grazing over the stitches on the back of her head.  She had forgone the bandage, hating the way it drew attention, if someone was going to stare at her she would rather it be for her looks.  There was also the fact that Sara had looked incredibly guilty when she saw it the day before.  “I’m good thanks.  What’s got that smile plastered on your face?”

“Oh well, umm nothing.  Listen I’ve got to go catch a few Z’s, I’ll see you this afternoon.”  His face was on fire from acute embarrassment.  It wasn’t that Greg had anything to hide, it was just he didn’t think Sara would appreciate him telling anyone.  If she wanted Catherine to know, she would tell her.  

Cath watched the red faced, Cheshire cat grinning, man hurry away before signing her name on the visitors log sheet and making her way to Sara’s room.  She was so confused by his strange behavior that she forgot to be mad at him for avoiding her question.  

“So what did you do to Greg?”  Catherine inquired as she bent over and brushed her lips against the brunette’s forehead.  

“I didn’t do anything to him.  Why?”  Sara was again surprised by the blonde’s affectionate gesture but she tried not to let it show as she answered the woman’s question.  She couldn’t help but wonder if Catherine’s mothering nature would still show itself to her once she was out of the hospital.  The brunette desperately hoped so, now that she had seen that side of her co-worker she didn’t want to go back to the way things were.

“He had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face that I’ve ever seen and was blushing harder than a nun in a strip joint.”  Catherine arched one perfectly shaped eyebrow as a deep crimson flush, bright enough to rival the one Sanders had been sporting, crawled up the brunette’s cheeks.  Now she knew something was up.  

“I didn’t actually do anything to him, it was…well it was more like…ah crap…it was what he did to me.”  Sara didn’t know why she was having such a hard time getting it out of her mouth, it hadn’t been anything major, just one friend brushing another’s hair.  Maybe it was because he had been so incredibly sweet about it, not even flirting with her. Maybe it was just the fact that it was Greg, but it was probably because she had needed help at all.

As the younger woman stammered Catherine felt her blood pressure rising.  A thousand different scenarios were flashing like lightning through her mind and the blonde was seriously considering running after the spiky-haired kid and strangling him.  “What exactly did he do?”

Sara blinked rapidly at the older woman’s clinched jaw and the cold fire raging in her icy blue eyes.  Uh oh, she knew what that look meant.  No matter how embarrassed she was, the brunette was going to have to tell Catherine if she wanted to save Greggo’s neck.  “I let him brush my hair for me.”

Her hair?  He brushed her hair? Cath couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up.  She was relieved Sara hadn’t been hurt yet again but at the same time she was chagrined that her new protective streak for the brunette would have her ready to chase down Greg and do him great bodily harm.  “We were about to be short a CSI you know?”

“Yeah I figured, what with the smoke coming out of your ears and all.”  Sara grinned at the other woman as she gently teased her.  She had seen that momma bear side of the blonde come out a few times before but it had never been directed at her before.  The same look had been in Catherine’s eyes the night they had interview Eddie’s girlfriend after he was murdered and the pink-haired bitch had made the mistake of calling Lindsey a brat in earshot of her mother.

“I have to say I’m a little surprised.  I know you’re not a touchy feely kind of person and shy away from …”

“That’s not true.”  Sara interrupted the blonde before she could finish.  Out of all the misconceptions about her around the lab that one refused to die.  “I crave human contact just as much as the next person.”

“Sara we’ve all seen you back away from people and even flinch and tense up when they touch you.  I completely understand why now, after everything you’ve been through in your life it’s a natural reaction.”  It was one of the things about the brunette that had put her off in the beginning.  The few times she had tried to put a hand on Sara’s shoulder or back the younger woman had become so stiff that the blonde was convinced she would snap in two if she applied the least bit of pressure.  Cath was a very tactile person and for someone to reject her that way bruised her ego and in turn made her distance herself even further from Sara.

“When I don’t know someone, yes I admit I do that, I can’t help it.  It takes me a long time to be able to trust someone enough to comfortably allow them that close.  Of course by the time I am, they’ve usually given up.”  For Sara it was something of a curse.  She wanted to get close to people but her fear kept them at arms distance until they were convinced she hated physical contact.

Willows lowered her head in shame, she had done exactly that.  “I’m so sorry.  I should have realized sooner, all the signs were there but I chose to ignore them.”

“Cath please don’t apologize, I didn’t exactly make it easy.  I was so desperate to prove that I deserved to be there, personally handpicked by Grissom, I let it go to my head.  Combined with all my other issues it made me hard to get along with.  So let’s just forget about it, please?”  Sara gave a self-depreciating laugh.  During her first year in Vegas she really had done everything she could to keep people at arms length while she got to know them.  It was a defense mechanism to keep herself safe until she could trust them.  The guys had managed to break through slowly and become her friends but she and the blonde had never gotten past casual acquaintances.  

Catherine wasn’t ready to let it go.  Last week she wouldn’t have thought twice about it but now she wanted to clear the air.  “Sara you are one of the best investigators I’ve ever worked with, Grissom included and we were lucky to get you.  You being difficult to get along with doesn’t excuse some of the things I said to you.  The thought that my words reminded you of your abusive mother, that they hurt you, makes me sick.”  

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.  The teachers used to tell us that when one kid started making fun of another.  I wonder if they know how full of shit it is.  Bruises fade, cuts heal and bones mend, but words can stay with you a lifetime.  Yes, the stuff my mother said to me were horrible things no child should hear coming from a parent, or anyone else for that matter.  Yes, you said some nasty things to me but believe me they don’t even begin to compare.  I’m not denying that they hurt at the time but I got over them.  I’m not innocent either.  I’ve said more than a few out of line things to you.  Now can we please just let it go?”  Sara knew she wasn’t being completely honest but Catherine didn’t need to know that in her darker moments she dredged up the blonde’s words to torment herself with and give her feelings of worthlessness credence.  She wanted to put their past behind them and they couldn’t do that if the older woman was constantly beating herself up about it.  

Willows wasn’t sure if she should believe Sara or not but she didn’t want to upset her and it was clear that this conversation was distressing her.  She’d have to drop it for now, but she wasn’t about to forget it.  “Ok, I have something I need to talk to you about anyway.  When you’re released I want you to come and stay with Lindsey and me during your recovery.”  

Sara couldn’t explain the shot icy of fear that coursed through her at the request.  The thought of being in the same house as the blonde, night and day, was sending her heart into overdrive.  Suddenly she couldn’t breath, couldn’t see, couldn’t move.  It was as if her entire body had suddenly locked up.

With the brunette’s monitors going crazy in the background Cath tried to sooth Sara as she waved off the nurse that came running to see what was wrong.   “Sweetheart calm down, you’re having a panic attack.  Take deep breaths, in, out.”  The second she had asked her to recuperate at their house, the younger woman had gone pale and freaked out.  She certainly hadn’t expected that reaction, flat out stubborn refusal yes, terror no.  

The hand carding through her hair, nails scratching gently against her scalp, slowly helped Sara to get her body back under control.  As the darkness lifted she looked up into worried blue eyes and felt her face flush hotly in embarrassment.  Why the hell did she lose it like that over one little question?  What was it about staying with the blonde that scared the hell out of her?  

“You okay?”  Catherine asked as Sara relaxed.  When the brunette nodded she gestured to the nurse that it was okay for her to leave before she turned her attention back to the younger woman.  “Wanna talk about it?”

“I’m not sure what happened.”  That was the truth.  Sara had just reacted, but she still wasn’t completely sure why.  All she knew was that the idea had struck a cord of fear deep within her.  

“Is it because you still feel responsible for what happened?  Because we discussed that and I thought you agreed with me that it wasn’t you and you can’t be held accountable for anything?”  Catherine had known that it would take more than one conversation to get the brunette past her feelings of culpability but she thought that they had at least made a dent in them.  

“I know that, I do.  Jim came to see me last night and told me bout the tox results.  I know what happens to someone on PCP.  This is something different.”  As far as Sidle was concerned it was the truth.  She had begun to let go of some of her guilt.  What had triggered this little episode was not the same.  

“Does it maybe have something to do with what Michael Thomas said, about your feelings, for me?”  Cath had been too scared at the time to think much about it when their captor had said it but now that death wasn’t staring her in the face she could.  It was the only other thing she could think of that might account for Sara’s extreme reaction.  

There it was, the giant pink and purple polka dotted elephant that she had hoped had been a figment of her drug and pain addled mind.  Of course she couldn’t get that lucky.  And now that Catherine had brought it up she couldn’t avoid it either.  Well, after everything she had been through, the blonde deserved as honest an answer as she could give her.  “I had a… a small…crush on you… for a while.  I guess he made me tell him about it, or figured it out on his own, and tried to use it to get me to do what he wanted.  But I don’t think it’s that either.”  

Catherine shook her head as the younger woman looked away from her.  That wasn’t the impression she had gotten from Thomas.  “Had?  As in you don’t anymore?”  

Sara was convinced that she was going to end up with third degree burns on her face from blushing so hard for so long.  This was not something she had ever planned on discussing with Catherine.  “You were still married when I came onboard, had a daughter, and after the divorce a boyfriend.  You made it pretty clear that while we might work well together, when our personalities weren’t clashing, we were never going to be friends much less anything else.  So even though I still found you attractive I got over the crush part, unlike my stupid Grissom obsession.”  

Catherine wasn’t sure why but she didn’t like the sound of Sara just ‘getting over’ her.  It wasn’t that she wanted the brunette to still be carrying a torch for her, she’d been hurt more than enough by one unrequited love but she couldn’t help feel a little cheated.  Gil had known Sara had feelings for him, had the chance to accept it but instead had thrown it away time and time again, she had been denied the opportunity to even consider it.  

In a way she had been worse than him, she had been completely blinded by her preconceived notions and territoriality and had never even known the brunette had more than friendly feelings for her until a madman used it against the young woman in an attempt to corrupt her.  Now Grissom was going to get yet another chance and for some reason she felt a little bitter about that.  She might not have wanted a romantic relationship with Sara but he didn’t deserve one after everything he had put her through.  “Well it looks like your obsession is going to pay off.  He told me what he said to you during his visit.”

“Yeah, great.  I finally understand that what I thought was love was really an over-inflated case of hero worship mixed in with some other stuff and he decides that I’m finally worth the risk.  I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t go back to being like I was before.  It was killing me.”  Now that they were no longer on the subject of her feelings for the older woman Sara felt the heat in her cheeks recede a bit and she could almost look Catherine in the eye.  

“Well after my talk with Gil this morning you have some time to figure out what, if anything, you want to do.  He said he would back off and wait until you were ready.  The balls in your court now Sara, you have to be the one to decide what’s right for you.  But we’re kind of getting away from the reason for your panic attack.  If it’s not what happened in that room and it’s not your past feelings for me, then why the freak out?”  Catherine needed to understand so she could help Sara get over whatever it was that was scaring her.  If she could get her through it then the brunette might agree to stay with her and then the blonde could fulfill the need she felt to protect and take care of the younger woman.  

“I don’t know Cath, I wish I did.  It’s like there’s something in the back of my mind trying to get out but there’s a wall that’s keeping me from seeing it.”  Sara sighed in frustration.  She wasn’t really good at the whole introspective thing, what she was good at was dwelling on her failures, her faults.  She could tear herself down so easily but she had the hardest time building herself back up.  

Catherine could see Sara was getting agitated and reached out run her fingers through the prone woman’s chestnut locks.  “Don’t try to force it, you won’t be getting out of here for a while so we have time to figure it out.  Just promise me you’ll think about staying at my place?”   

“I’ll think about it.”  It was all she could give the blonde until she could understand why she had reacted the way she did.  Sara knew it was something important, something that she needed to remember that could potentially affect them both.  She just didn’t have the first clue as to what it might be.


TBC