Demons Chapter 6
By Kimmi

For disclaimers see chapter 1.

Part 25

“Hey Mom, can we watch a movie?”

Catherine’s hand halted the brush’s movement through the damp chestnut locks in front of her at her daughter’s question.  “I don’t know Linds.  It’s kind of late.”

“Please Mom?  Tomorrow’s Saturday and I’m not even close to being tired.  Please?”  Lindsey really didn’t care about the movie.  She just wanted to spend a little more time with both women since she’d barely seen them all day since they’d been asleep when she had gotten home from school. 

The blonde considered it for a moment.  She’d had such a long nap that afternoon and had slept so well that she was fully awake.  There was someone else to consider though.  “Do you feel up to a movie Sara?”

“I’m not really tired either.  But do you mind if it’s not scary, suspenseful, creepy or gory in any way?”  The long hot bath had sapped Sara’s energy and she probably could fall right back to asleep, but she didn’t want to.  After waking up with the blonde the thought of trying to sleep on her own was extremely unappealing.  But Catherine had precious little time to spend with her daughter as it was and the brunette felt selfish for monopolizing the blonde.  Lindsey needed her mother, more than she did.

“You’re not tired yet, but once you take your pain meds, you will be.”  As Catherine resumed the rhythmic stoking of Sara’s hair the thought flitted across her mind that the brunette never wore her hair curly anymore. The blonde had liked the way the soft waves had framed the younger woman’s face and she wondered briefly if she could talk her into wearing it that way again.

“I don’t need one right now. I’m not really in that much pain.”  The pill they had given her at the hospital before she left had worn off and Sara didn’t feel that great, but as long as she didn’t move it was tolerable.  When she did move, the dull ache enveloping her muscles became sharp splinters of pain that randomly stabbed at various points on her body.

“Sara there’s no sense in being in any pain if you don’t have to and if you wait too long you’re going to be in a lot of it while you wait for the meds to kick in.”  Catherine figured that ‘not that much’ was Sara-speak for she was hurting but just being difficult about taking her pills.  They had gone through the very same thing at the hospital. 

“It’s really not that bad and I don’t want to develop a dependency on them.”  Sara had never liked taking anything narcotic.  Her mother had always seemed to have a prescription due to her many trips to the hospital.  Laura would be high for days, ignoring everything in favor of the pain and mind numbing drugs, including her hungry child.  And when her daughter had started to need her own pills to dull the aches of broken bones and battered muscles the woman had taken the pills for herself.  It was just one more reminder of her past that she didn’t want or need. 

Catherine shook her head in annoyance.  How could one person be so damn stubborn?  “The prescription is for every four to six hours, you’re way past that.  I think you’ve proven that you don’t have to take them.  But I can’t stand seeing you in even the tiniest bit of pain Sara.  So please just take it, for me?”

Oh now that was fighting dirty.  How could she say no to that?  How could she deny that soft watery look in the blonde’s cerulean eyes?  How could the ghost of her past compete with the angel in front of her?  Because that was what the older woman had become to her, a guardian angel.  Of course it didn’t help at all that Lindsey was staring at her, arms crossed, in a damn good imitation of Catherine when her mother was losing her patience with a suspect who refused to cooperate.  At two against one, the odds were not in her favor.  “Ok but I’m only taking half of one.”

“Hmm, we’ll see.  We can watch the movie in my room so you can lie down.  Linds go get your pajamas on and Sara you go get comfortable while I go get the pill.”  Catherine didn’t wait around to see if the brunette was going to argue. 

By the time Cath made it back to her room laden down with bottles of water, popcorn and a movie, Sara and Lindsey were already in the bed.  The small girl was snuggled up to the lanky brunette with her head pillowed on the woman’s uninjured shoulder.  Even though it had to be the most precious thing she’d ever seen, the blonde didn’t want her daughter to accidentally hurt the lithe woman.  “Come on Linds get up.  Sara needs to take her medicine and you shouldn’t be lying all over her like that.”

“She’s ok, she’s not hurting me.  I’ll take the whole pill if you let her stay.”  Sara had never considered herself good with kids but with Lindsey it seemed like she didn’t even have to try.  The tiny blonde hadn’t cared that the brunette was awkward and timid at first, she’d simply jumped right in and quickly wormed her way into Sidle’s heart.  It was so rare that someone accepted her so completely and she didn’t want to discourage the girl in any way. 

“Please Mom?  I’m being really careful.”  Lindsey had been hesitant when she’d first come into her mother’s room to find Sara already in the middle of the bed.  But the tall brunette had patted the space beside her and that was all it took.  When the woman was still in the hospital, Linds had often crawled up on the bed to sit beside her but she hadn’t been allowed to do more than give her gentle hugs. 

Catherine looked from one set of pleading eyes to the other.  Well at least she didn’t even have to try to convince Sara to take all of her meds.  “All right but the second you feel any pain I want you to tell her to move.”

The blonde waited for the brunette’s nod before she popped the pill into her mouth and helped the younger woman take a drink of water to wash it down.  She started the movie, the most innocuous and tame comedy they had, and went to change into her own sleepwear while the opening credits rolled. 

When Catherine reentered the bedroom she had to reevaluate her earlier judgment of the most precious thing she’d ever seen.  Sara was actually giggling as Linds fed her popcorn and made choo-choo noises.  Now that was just too cute for words.  “Hey, I hope you two saved me some.”

“Nope.  Sorry Mom but you took too long.  Sara couldn’t wait.”  Lindsey tried not to smile as she hid the bag behind her back.

“It’s all her fault.  She force fed me I swear.  I didn’t want to eat your popcorn but Lindsey said she’d tickle me if I didn’t.”  Sara somehow managed to keep a straight face as she ratted out her accomplice.  She had actually refused at first until the girl had started in with the whole train coming into the station thing.

“Uh huh.  You both realize I don’t believe a word of it right?  Now hand it over.”

Xxx

It had taken a little longer than she had estimated, but at about halfway through the movie Sara was out like a light.  What surprised Catherine was the fact that her daughter was softly snoring right along with brunette.  Perhaps Lindsey was still making up those hours of sleep she had lost while worrying about whether or not she was ever going to see her mother again. 

The blonde had missed most of the movie herself as she had found the interaction between Sara and Linds to be much more entertaining.  She had surreptitiously watched them from the corner of her eye as they laughed at the onscreen antics of the twenty-somthings playing teen-somethings.  Now that they were both asleep though, she could study them at her leisure.

For some reason it seemed so natural to see her daughter’s head cradled in the crook of Sara’s arm and the brunette’s pale cheek resting against Lindsey’s golden halo of hair.  The young CSI’s face was relaxed in her repose, and the years had melted away from her face with the tiny smile playing on her lips.  Gone was surly almost-teenager.  Linds suddenly once again looked like her five-year old innocent angel, not the troubled girl touched by tragedy and loss at such a tender age. 

Until last week she had never guessed that Sara and Lindsey had so much in common.  The way they had taken to each other made Catherine realize that keeping their association to a minimum all these years had been a mistake.  If she had allowed them more contact then the brunette might have been able to help ease Linds through the trauma of losing her dad in such a violent manner. 

She’d make sure that they got to make up for lost time, but for now she had to get her daughter back to her own bed.  Cath knew Sara would never intentionally hurt Lindsey, but with the brunette suffering from such vicious nightmares she could accidentally lash out in her sleep and injure them both.

It turned out to be more difficult than Catherine had thought it would be to separate the two sleepers.  The second she tried to lift Lindsey off the brunette, Sara tightened her grip on the small body.  She had to wait a minute for the woman to relax her hold before she could pick the girl up.  As the blonde carried her daughter down the hall the nostalgia she had felt earlier wore off a little more with each step.  Linds definitely wasn’t five any more.

Catherine breathed a sigh of relief when she was finally able to lay the girl down.  She tucked Lindsey in and brushed a soft kiss on top of her tousled head.  It seemed she had miraculously completed the transfer without waking her daughter until she straightened up and met a pair of bright blue eyes half hidden by droopy lids.  “Shhh go back to sleep baby.”

“I really like Sara.”  Lindsey missed the woman’s warmth.  She had been a little confused when she woke up in her own bed but then she remembered that her mother hadn’t wanted her lying on the brunette when they were awake so it shouldn’t have been a surprise her mom had moved her. 

The older blonde smiled down at her daughter and brushed a few errant strands of hair out of her cherubic face.  “Me too.”

“You should keep her.” 

“Honey, she’s not a stray puppy that…”  Catherine trailed off as she realized that her words were falling on deaf ears.  Lindsey was already fast asleep again.  She’d just have to wait until morning even though she was curious were her daughter had come up with that interesting notion. 

Xxx

“What do we have?”   Grissom kept his eyes riveted on a point just over the detective’s shoulder.  He didn’t think he could look the other man in the eye after what he had witnessed earlier in the day outside Sara’s apartment.  His emotions were still too raw, to close to the surface to be trusted.

“Looks like a false alarm.  Seems a couple of film students at UNLV are making a horror movie for their class.  A concerned citizen saw them carrying the ‘body’ and called the cops.”  Brass shook his head.  The one time someone decides to get involved it turns out to be perfectly innocent, typical.

“And you couldn’t call and tell me that before I wasted my time coming out here?  You should have checked to make sure there was an actual crime before you called CSI in.  I have better things to do with my time than going on a wild goose chase.”  Gil turned his back on the other man and began walking back to his truck, not really caring what he had to say.  All he could hear was Sara’s voice whispering ‘too late’ in his ear over and over.

“Well I didn’t call you, the first officer on the scene did.  And since I just found out myself about the nature of the ‘crime’ two minutes ago, no I couldn’t.  Now you want to tell me which one of your bugs crawled up your ass?”  Jim shot back as he rushed after his friend.  They had known each other a long time and the detective could count on one hand the number of times the entomologist had raised his voice and snapped at him.

Grissom was forced to come to halt as Brass stepped in front of him and stopped.  He didn’t want to have a confrontation with the other man but it didn’t seem like the detective was leaving him much choice.  “I know about you and Sara.”

Jim could hear a note of defeat tingeing the anger in the CSI’s voice and it confused him.  Why the hell would him taking a fatherly role in Sara’s life piss the man off?  With what Grissom knew about the brunette’s past, he would think the graveyard supervisor would be happy about the change in their relationship.  “Okay, and?”

“And?”  Gil stepped into the detective’s personal space, their faces only inches apart.  “And how long has this been going on?”

Brass took in his friend’s narrowed eyes and suddenly felt like he was on the wrong side of an interrogation table.  “To some extent since she moved to Vegas.  After she almost got the DUI she and I got closer, but it wasn’t until we almost lost her that I realized it wasn’t enough.  Why do you have a problem this?”

“I have a problem with you taking advantage of her while she’s so vulnerable.  This is exactly what Catherine accused me of doing but she stood right there and let you kiss Sara.  She didn’t seem to have a problem with that, so it must be me that she doesn’t want her with.”  For the life of him Grissom couldn’t understand why the blonde approved of Brass but not him.  It hurt more than he thought possible that Cath had told him to give Sara space but then had let the detective move right in on her.

A dark red cloud descended over the detective’s eyes at the accusation.  Now Jim knew why Gil was acting that way.  Jealousy.  There was a little green eyed monster of a monkey on the CSI’s back and it looked like it had dug its fingers in deep.

The homicide detective took a step back and drew in a deep breath.  He didn’t want to do something that they would both regret later.  “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that, because if I had, you’d have a broken jaw right now.  Mine and Sara’s relationship is none of your business but that kiss you saw wasn’t what you think it is.  Of course the fact that you saw it at all means you were lurking around her apartment building.  What are you stalking her now?”

“Sara is my business, I’ve know her a hell of lot longer than you have, and I know what I saw.”  Gil chose to ignore the last question.  As far as he was concerned what he had witnessed was far more important than why he had seen it.  

“What is this, some kind of schoolyard game of ‘I saw her first’?  You’re the one that decided that the risk wasn’t worth it.  I was in the room when you confronted Lurie during the Marlin case.  You didn’t have the courage to take what had been offered to you, even though you wanted it, and now you don’t want anyone else to have her either.  You’re a coward and a selfish bastard.  You don’t deserve her.”  As Brass turned and walked away he felt a tiny twitch of guilt but it was overshadowed by anger.  He could have told the man the truth and put his mind at ease, but as far as he was concerned, Grissom had it coming. 

The CSI watched, slack-jawed, as the detective peeled away from the scene.  He hated to admit it, but Jim was right.  He didn’t deserve Sara.  But that didn’t stop him from wanting her.  And it wasn’t going to stop him from fighting for her.  He’d just have to go see her for himself, present his case and get down on his knees if that was what it took to convince her to give him a chance.


 Part 26

“Lindsey, why aren’t you at school?”  Grissom tried to smile down at the small blonde as she stood in the open doorway in her pajamas but he was afraid it came out as more of a grimace.  He had thought he had waited until it was late enough that she would be gone and Sara would be awake.  

Lindsey stared at her mom’s former boss for a moment, trying to figure out if he was serious.  As he gazed back at her waiting for an answer, she figured he must be.  “It’s Saturday.”

“Oh, well do you know if Sara is up yet?  I need to talk to her.”  He had completely lost track of the days.  It wasn’t the first time it had happened and sadly it probably wouldn’t be the last.

“Her and Mom are in the kitchen fighting.”  The tiny blonde stepped back to so the man could enter and pointed toward were the two women were. 

Stepping past the child and into the foyer Grissom could hear the swing shift supervisor’s voice echoing through the house followed swiftly by brunette CSI’s exasperated reply.

“Why are you being so stubborn?  I thought we settled this last night?”

“We did, until I started making out this list and realized how expensive some of this stuff is.  And just for the record, you’re the one being stubborn, not me.”  Sara rolled her eyes as the blonde threw her hands in the air.  It was clear that neither one of them wanted to admit defeat.  It was also the most ridiculous argument they’d ever had.  “I can’t dress myself or even bathe myself, the least you could let me do is pay for my own food.  I would’ve had to do that anyway if none of this had happened.  You have Lindsey to think about, you should be spending that money on her.  Besides, I’m not the type of woman to be kept.”

Catherine stared at the smirk on the lanky woman’s face for a second before letting out a bark of laughter.  “Alright fine, you win.  I’ll get the money from your account but you are not coming with me and that is final.”

Sara started to gear up to continue to plead her case on that point but a shadow lurking in the doorway stopped her cold.  “Grissom, what are you doing here?”

The entomologist cast a quick glance at Catherine but quickly turned his attention to the brunette to avoid the daggers in the blonde’s eyes.  “I need to talk to you Sara.” 

“Gil you promised.”  Catherine quickly stepped in front of the brunette to shield her from the entomologist.  He’d obviously chosen to ignore her warning about hiding his body and she was about to show him what a mistake that was.

Sara peered around the irate blonde at her boss and winced at the pain on his face.  He looked exhausted, clothes rumpled, dark shadows smudged under his washed out blue eyes that were normally so vivid and alive, his face pallid and drawn.  She couldn’t help but feel sorry for him, it was clear he was suffering.  It was time to do for him what he had never had the guts to do for her.

The brunette grasped the slim hips in front of her and gently guided the blonde out of the way.  “It’s okay Cath.  Grissom go in the living room and I’ll be there in a minute.”

Catherine scowled as she caught the look of relief on the man’s face as he nodded and shuffled out of the room without even a glance in her direction.  Turing back to the younger woman her look softened to one of concern as when she saw how worried Sara was.  “If you’re not sure about this just say so and I’ll get rid him.”

“I’m sure that even though I don’t want to do this, I have to.”  Sara knew the coming conversation wasn’t going to pleasant but putting it off would only make it harder, on both of them.

Catherine reached up and cupped the brunette’s face.  “You don’t have to anything you don’t want to.”

Sara leaned into the touch and wished she could just hide in the kitchen with the blonde.  “I need to do this.  You saw him, he’s in pain.  He needs to move on and he can’t do that until I tell him to.”

The older woman had a feeling that Sara needed to it so that she could move on as well.  “Do you want me to go in with you?”

Sara considered the offer for a moment but knew that it would only make the situation even more tense then it already was.  “No, but if you could stay close by that’d be good.”

“I’ll be right here.”  Catherine voice was a little rough as she brushed her thumb over the pale cheek under her hand.  It might seem like such a simple thing to most people but she knew how hard it was for Sara to ask.

Sara nodded and forced herself away from the blonde.  The stiffness of her battered body made the short trip to the living room seem much longer than the thirty or forty feet it truly was.  As she entered the room her eyes were drawn immediately to her boss standing pensively at the window, wringing his hands together.  It was hard to reconcile this image with the stoical figure he normally presented.

Grissom turned at the sound of creaking leather and rushed to the brunette’s side as she eased into the corner of the large couch.  “Are you okay?  Maybe this isn’t this best environment for you to recover in.  If you and Catherine are already fighting it can’t be healthy.  I’d be happy to…

“Stop.”  Sara quickly cut the man off.  “This is exactly where I need to be and we weren’t fighting, we were having a small disagreement.  It’s going to happen.  We’re both strong opinionated women and we’re not going to see eye to eye on a lot of things, but it’s not like it was before.  Now can we just stick to the reason you’re here?”  The brunette inwardly winced at the anger in her voice and the slightly hurt look on the man’s face.  She didn’t mean to get defensive but just his mere presence was putting her on edge.

Gil took a deep breath and tried to gather his thoughts.  He hadn’t really planned on what he was going to say and he hated winging it, but all night he’d felt his chance with her slipping further and further away.  “I know my fear of getting involved with you has caused you a lot of pain, and you will never know how sorry I am for that.  But if you let me, I’d like to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.”

Sara hated that hopeful little smile playing on his lips and fought the urge to wipe it off.  He really thought he could just waltz in, say a few pretty words and she’d just fall into his arms.  “No.  I’m sorry you finally figured out what to do about this and I’m sorry you finally think I’m worth the risk because it’s too late.  It has been for a while now.”

“If this is about Brass, surely the two of haven’t been involved long enough for any real feelings to develop.  I know you love me Sara, just give me another chance.  Please?”  Grissom knew how loyal the brunette was.  If she felt like she’d made any kind of commitment to the detective it would take a lot to wear her down.

“Ok first of all I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.  What does Jim have to do with this?  And second, another chance?  God Griss, you’ve had eight years worth of chances!  How many is one person supposed to get?  How long was I supposed to wait around hoping you’d pull your head out of your ass?”  Sara had lost track over the years of just how many times she’d practically thrown herself at the man.  How many times had he acted like he cared about her, wanted her, only to turn right back around and act like he’d never said or done anything?  Too many.

The stocky man narrowed his eyes at the bruised woman.  Why was she denying it?  Was she trying to protect the homicide detective?  “Oh come on, I know that the two of you are seeing one another.  I saw the two of you kissing yesterday and when I confronted him he didn’t deny it, he just told me it wasn’t any of business.” 

“I’m not even going to get into why you were spying on us because I really don’t want to hear your reasons.  As for the kiss, you’re one of top investigators in the country and should know better than to jump to conclusions.”  Sara held up her hand when the entomologist opened his mouth to interrupt her. 

“Jim was right it’s none of your business, but I’m going to tell you because I don’t want any misunderstandings here.  Our relationship is purely paternal.  Yes he kissed me, on the forehead, the way a dad would.  He’s been quietly looking out for me for a while now and when I was in the hospital he came to me and told me that it wasn’t enough for him anymore.  He wants to take a more active role as a father figure to me and I want to let him.  I’ve never had that.  I’m not seeing anyone.  Now, the only reason I’m telling you this is so that you understand that what I’m about to say has nothing to do with anyone but me.  It really is too late.”

“But since you’re not romantically involved why can’t you give us a chance?”   The fact that Brass was not competition for Sara’s affections was a huge weight of his shoulders but it only served to confuse Gil even more.

Sara shook her head.  He wasn’t listening and was going to force her to lay it all out for him.  Why couldn’t he just take no for an answer?  “Because I’m not in love with you.  I’m not even sure I ever really was.  Certainly I respected you, admired you, aspired to be like you and had a huge case of hero worship.  You took an interest in me, in my mind, in what I had to say.  After that seminar we met at, you called me to talk about cases, to ask my opinion, treated me as an equal.  No one had ever done that before and I mistook the feelings that created as love.

You know you did us both a favor by turning me down when I asked you out.  It never would have worked.  You’re married to your work and even though I’m a workaholic myself, I want more than that.  I want to stop working overtime because I can’t stand to be away from someone for one second longer than I have to be.  I want someone who doesn’t even have to think about touching me, they just do it because they want to not because they think it’s expected of them.  I want someone that doesn’t let the risks of being with me deter them.  I want someone that will tell me what they’re feeling and will push me to tell them.  I want candlelit dinners and lazy Saturday afternoons in bed and cuddling on the couch not watching stupid movies because we’re more interested in each other.  I want to be the center of someone’s universe and I want them to be the center of mine.”

“And you don’t think we could have that, that I could give you that.”  Grissom finished the unspoken thought for her.  He wanted to tell her that he could do all those things for her, be all those things for her, but he was a realist.  He’d had nearly half a century to get to know himself and he knew that wasn’t him.

“I think you’d try for a while but in the end you’d just end up resenting me for asking it of you, for taking you away from your work.  I’m not trying to hurt you Gris, I just don’t want to give you false hope that there’s any kind of a future for us.  I want you to be able to move on.”  The graveyard supervisor suddenly looked so small, that Sara had to resist the urge to reach out to him.  She didn’t want to send him the same kind of mixed signals she’d often found herself reading too much into.

Gil searched the mahogany eyes that were regarding him intensely.  He found sadness, compassion, and worry but not a hint of what he wanted to see there.  Love.  There wasn’t even a hint of it.  It really was too late and he was the only one to blame.  “How do I do that?  How do I stop these feelings now that I’ve finally admitted them to myself?”

“I don’t know but I hope you figure it out.  I’d really like to have my friend back.”  Now that he understood where she was coming from, Sara hoped that they could eventually return to the relationship they’d had before she’d come to Vegas, the one she thought they were getting back to before all this had happened.

Grissom knew that if he couldn’t do as she asked that he was going to lose her completely.  He couldn’t allow that.  It was better to have her as just a friend than not at all, because not having her in his life was completely unacceptable.  “I don’t want to hurt you anymore, I’ve done to much of that in the past, so I promise you that I’ll do whatever it takes to get past this.” 

Sara reached out and patted his hand, still hesitant to take it in her own, but wanting to offer him something.  “Thank you.  Now you should probably go home and get some rest.  You look like crap.” 

“I haven’t slept much lately and I think I’m still wearing the same clothes I put on two days ago.”  Grissom gave the younger woman a self-conscious little smile.

“Two days huh?  I guess that would explain it.  Please don’t take this personally but I’m going to suggest that the first thing you do when you get home is take a shower.”  She had ignored the odor wafting off the entomologist at first because she wanted to concentrate on the task at hand but now that things were settled between them, Sara couldn’t disregard the ripe aroma anymore.

“Are you trying to tell me I stink?”  Gil suddenly realized that his personal hygiene wasn’t the only thing he had been neglecting.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d sat down and ate a real meal or had a decent nights sleep.  He’d spent so much of his time thinking and worrying about Sara that he had stopped taking care of himself.

“I wasn’t going to just come right out and say it like that but yeah, you smell.”  Sara smiled at the stocky man to take the sting out of her words. 

“Well I guess I should get home and take that shower then.”  Grissom rose shakily to his feet and started towards the front door but stopped and turned uncertainly back to the brunette.  “I’ll call you in a day or two to see how you’re doing, if that’s all right with you?”

“That would be nice.”  The brunette watched her friend as he shuffled out the door and let out a sigh.  That had been harder than she had thought it was going to be but it had to be done.  She couldn’t let him go on hoping.  Now he wouldn’t try to dissect everything she said, interpret every touch or gesture, now he could move on with his life.

Sara was still staring at the door when she felt a nudge on her shoulder and looked up into a pair of soft blue eyes.  The blonde waved her over and she scooted down the couch wondering for a second why the older woman hadn’t just taken a seat on the other side.  Then a pair of strong thin arms wrapped around her torso and she was pulled back into Catherine’s warm pliant body.  She let herself sink into the embrace, enjoying the sense of safety and comfort it provided.

“You ok?”  Catherine knew eavesdropping was wrong, but she had wanted to be close in case things got out of hand and couldn’t help but hear most of what was said.  She couldn’t believe the audacity Gil had, thinking Sara would still be waiting for him after all this time.  He was such a damn… man.

Sara snuggled closer to her friend, letting the heat from the supple body seep into her back.  “Yeah, I think so.  I really didn’t want to hurt him.” 

“He should’ve waited until you were ready and came to him, like he promised me he would.”  Even though she knew her old friend was in pain, Catherine couldn’t help but feel a little angry with him.  He wasn’t the one that had been tortured and almost died, yet he only thought of himself. 

“I don’t think he could have waited much longer Cath.  You saw him, it was eating him alive.  He needed a definitive answer and even though it wasn’t the one he wanted now he has closure and can move on.  He couldn’t do that for me.  I had to overhear him tell a murder suspect that he couldn’t risk his career for me.  That hurt me and for a while I wanted him to know how I felt, but I couldn’t stand to see the pain in his eyes.  Because even though I’m not in love with Grissom I do still care deeply about him and I always will.”  Sara didn’t want the blonde to harbor any ill will toward the entomologist.  The two of them had been friends much to long for something like this to come between them.

“You know you’re amazing, right?”  Catherine doubted that she would have done the same thing had she been in Sara’s shoes.  No, payback would have been the foremost thing in her mind. 

“Umm, not really no.”  She didn’t know what had inspired the praise but Sara was pretty sure it wasn’t warranted.

Catherine shook her head.  That was typical Sara.  “Sweetheart, you put everyone before yourself.  You saved my life twice even though you were in incredible pain.  After you had that flashback in the hospital your first thought was for Linds because you didn’t want to frighten her.  Now you’re looking after Gil even though he doesn’t deserve it.  And that’s just this week.  You are a rare and precious person Sara Sidle.”

The brunette could feel the blush racing up her neck and engulfing her face as Catherine leaned up and kissed the side of her head.  Receiving accolades from anyone was rare for Sara and usually made her uncomfortable because she almost always questioned the sincerity of it, but coming from the blonde it left her with a feeling of fullness that she’d never experienced before.  She found she really liked that feeling.

“Do you still want to go to the grocery store with me?”  Catherine could tell that Sara was embarrassed, from her position she could barely see the brunette’s profile but the flush on the younger woman’s face was brighter than a neon sign.  So she decided to have mercy on her and change the subject.  When she had originally told the injured woman she didn’t want her going out, it was because she was concerned the bull-headed woman would over do it.  Now she really didn’t want to let Sara out of her sight.

“Yeah, but not right now.  I’d really like to stay here for a little while if that’s okay?”  Sara did want to go out.  She’d been held in a tiny room for days and then cooped up in the hospital until she felt herself going stir-crazy but at the moment she was just too comfortable to even think about moving. 

“It’s more than okay.”  Catherine softly told the brunette as she settled them further into the deep cushions and tightened her embrace.

Lindsey quietly crept out of her hiding place and snuck down the hall to her room with a smile on her face from the sight of the two women cuddled up together on the couch.  From the second she had followed her mother’s former boss into the kitchen she had known that sooner or later she would be exiled to her room because she was a kid and this was adult business, or at least that was her mom’s usual excuse for never letting her stick around for the good stuff.  So she had taken the initiative and found a place where she could hear what was going on.  And boy did she get an earful.

The girl had thought Mr. Grissom was strange before, now she thought he was just plain stupid.  She was twelve and she could see that anyone would have to be nuts not to want to be with Sara.  The brunette was brave, smart, beautiful, caring, shy and funny in a weird sort of way.  Lindsey wanted to kick the man for hurting the lanky woman but was consoled with the thought that her mom was there to make it better.

Now she just had to figure out a way to get the two women to realize that they were perfect for each other without breaking her promise to her grandmother.

 

Part 27

 

Catherine ran her hand over the younger woman’s dark chestnut locks, one last bit of contact before she was forced to leave Sara to face the wolves alone.  “We’ll be right outside if you need us.”

The brunette looked up at Catherine and gave her a weak smile.  Sara wished that the blonde or Brass were allowed to stay with her but since they were both involved they couldn’t.  The two of them had coached her all morning, right up until they had pulled into the parking lot.  Yes or no, don’t elaborate unless asked.  Keep it simple.  Don’t volunteer information, they don’t want or need to know the details of her personal life.  It wasn’t the Spanish Inquisition, just something that had to be done for procedures sake.  And none of that made it any easier because she was still afraid she was going to slip up and say something neither she nor Cath wanted on the record.

As her friends exited the two officers settled themselves behind the large oak desk.  Sara took a deep breath to try to calm her nerves.  She didn’t want, maybe couldn’t afford, to look weak in front of these men.  If either of them sensed she wasn’t being truthful, that she was hiding something, the consequences could be catastrophic. 

“Ms. Sidle before we get started I would like to offer the department’s deepest sympathies for what happened to you.  As much leave time as you need will be made available to you, full benefits of course.  Your job will be right here waiting for you.”  Brian Mobley was still doing damage control over the entire fiasco.  Two cops dead, two CSI’s abducted from under their noses, it was a PR nightmare.  So far they’d been able to keep most of the details out of press which was good, but if the woman across from him decided to sue everything would come out and his chances for reelection would pretty much be in the toilet. 

“My name is Keith Toler, Ms. Sidle.  I’m a lieutenant with Internal Affairs.  This is really just a formality.  From statements taken from Captain Brass and Catherine Willows and forensic evidence gathered at the scenes we already know a good deal of what happened.  All we need is for you to fill in the holes.”  The short blonde man didn’t really agree with how the whole case was being handled, two officers and a suspect were dead, someone should be held at least partly responsible.  But word had come down from the top of the political food chain and he knew for the sake of his career that it was better not to question.

“Before we officially get started would you care for anything?  Water? Coffee?”   Brian tried to put the obviously uncomfortable woman at ease.

“Uh, no thank you.”  Sara still wasn’t sure why they were being so solicitous but decided to go with Brass’s explanation that they just want to sweep the entire thing under the rug as quickly as possible.

Toler placed a portable tape recorder on the tabled and glanced at the room’s other two occupants before pressing the button.  “This is Lieutenant Keith Toler IAB along with Sheriff Brian Mobley, interviewing CSI3 Sara Sidle.”

In the back of Sara’s mind, she heard the IAB cop giving the date, time, file number and brief synopsis of the case but her focus was on the tiny wheel turning inside the recorder.  She despised lying and here she was about to do it on tape.  Her words were going to be magnetically encoded onto a thin plastic strip coated with ferric oxide powder.  Later it would be transcribed and entered into a computer where it would be saved to a hard drive.  Maybe not an indelible record of her duplicity, but it was damn close.  Could she live with that?  A lie of omission was still a lie.  But did she have a choice at this point?  As much as she hated lying, she hated breaking promises more.  And she had made a promise to Catherine and Jim.

“Miss Sidle lets begin with Officer Hankins death.”

Sara snapped back to the present and swallowed the bile threatening to slide up her throat.  As she opened her mouth she caught sight of a small figurine and felt her nerves settle a bit.  The little bear was a perfect avatar for the man that normally sat behind the desk.  Jim Brass was a papa bear if ever she had seen one, to her at least, and seeing this representation of him was almost like having the burley detective there with her.  “I’m not really sure what time it was, but I think it was close to four when…”

Xxx

“Do you think she’s okay?”  Catherine’s eyes were locked on the glass door to the homicide captain’s office.  Sara’s interview had only started five minutes ago, and the blonde was already fighting the desire to pace the floor or rush back into the room.

Jim reached up and lightly patted the woman’s shoulder.  He knew exactly how she was feeling.  “I think she’ll be fine.  But if she’s not, she’s got both of us to help her.  At least I got them to agree to do the interview in my office instead of one of the interview rooms.  Sara’s familiar with it and it’s not anywhere near as intimidating as sitting on the wrong side of an interrogation table.”

“Yeah but why call her in here on Sunday?  Why couldn’t they at least give her another day and do this tomorrow?”  Cath knew that the only reason they had agreed to wait as long as they had was because she had raised a stink.  She was lucky they hadn’t called the brunette down there the second she stepped out of the hospital. 

The detective gave the blonde a grin.  He loved how protective she was of Sara these days.  “Look at it this way.  When was the last time you saw Ecklie come in on the weekend for anything other than a chance to kiss ass or to prove what a good little toady he is?”

Catherine had to smile at that.  At least Sara would be spared having to deal with that sanctimonious little weasel.  “And let me guess, someone conveniently forgot to tell him her interview was today?”

“Damn, I knew there was something else I was supposed to do.  Oh well, I guess he’ll just have to read the report.” 

Xxx

“What the hell is taking so long?”  Catherine was sure she had worn a rut in the plain tile floor outside the detective’s office.

“Relax Cath, these things take time.”  The truth was Brass was getting a little nervous himself, but he wanted to keep the blonde as calm as possible. 

“They’ve been in there over an hour!  Don’t they understand how hard it is to have to relive everything that happened?”  It had to be a hundred times worse for Sara than it had been for her and every minute that went by added to the CSI’s worry.   It was taking everything Catherine had not to march into that room and pull the brunette out of there. 

“A lot happened to her, it’s going to take a while to go through it all.  But you need to calm down because you are not going to be any good to her when she comes out of there if you’re upset.  Why don’t we go grab a cup of bad coffee while we’re waiting?”  Jim hated that Sara had to go through this but she didn’t have a choice.

“No I told her we’d be right here and I’m not leaving.”  Catherine leaned against the far wall and tried to get herself under control.  Brass was right, Sara didn’t need to see her scared and nervous, she needed her to be strong.

Xxx

“Thank you Ms. Sidle, we know this was difficult and we appreciate your cooperation.”  Lt. Toler nodded to the woman as he stood.  Now that he really understood what had happened, in graphic detail, he was more than happy to write this case off and bury it in the darkest corner in the LVPD basement that he could find. 

“I want you to know that all the department’s resources are at your disposal.  Whatever you need will be made available to you.”   Sheriff Mobley rose to stand next to the IAB officer.  “Would you like some help out?”

“Oh no, thank you.  I think I’m just going to sit here for a few minutes.”  Sara watched the two men leave with detachment.  She was surprised that it was over so quickly.  Then again she couldn’t remember most of the interview so her sense of time might be a little off.

The beginning had been as horrible as she had feared.  All the terror, all the pain, had come rushing at her like an enraged bull charging a matador.  Even knowing Catherine and Jim were outside, even seeing that tiny figurine on the detective’s desk that had given her strength at first, hadn’t helped once she had actually started talking and describing everything she had suffered.  But it soon changed.

She didn’t know when it started, hadn’t noticed the slow withdrawal, but at some point Sara’s mind had simply left her body even as words continued to pour out of her mouth.  It was almost like the defense mechanism she had used as a small child when she would lose herself in her head to escape the pain or the fighting.

The brunette had been vaguely aware of herself.  It was like she was floating outside herself, an ethereal being, able to see pale images around her but not hear or feel.  She was smoke, and nothing could touch her.   But now she had rematerialized and every last lingering ache of her battered body was returning.  Her mind however was still numb and Sara was suddenly very tired.

Xxx

As Brian Mobley shook the IAB officer’s hand and bade him goodbye he noticed the two obviously concerned people hovering just at the edge of what would be considered an appropriate distance from a private conversation.  He waited until the blonde man turned and walked away before he addressed the woman.  “Catherine, I understand that Miss Sidle is staying with you?”

The blonde silently cursed the sheriff’s sudden need to make small talk.  Catherine had no interest in chatting with him, she just wanted to get to Sara and make sure the brunette was all right.  “She can’t stay by herself right now and since I’m on medical leave as well I thought it best.”

“Good, that’s good.  If she hasn’t already, I think you should convince her to start counseling as soon as possible.  Sidle has one of the best solve rates in the department and I’d hate to lose her.”  The brunette’s almost mechanical answers had concerned him.  He hadn’t had much contact with Sara, and when he did she had always seemed to be on the periphery, the entomologist and the new swing-shift supervisor always taking the spotlight.  Mobley had been a little surprised to learn that the brunette was second only to Gil Grissom when it came to successfully closing cases.    

This debacle had given Brian the opportunity to study Sara’s file in depth.  While she had a few disciplinary actions in her jacket, no more than most and less than some, she was a dedicated investigator that went the extra mile to solve her cases.  As her overtime every month clearly attested to.  You didn’t just let people like that go if there was anything you could do to keep them.

“We both have appointments with the department psychologist this week.”  Catherine confided absently as she edged toward the open office door.

“Excellent.  I’m glad you’re looking out for her and yourself.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have another meeting I need to get to.” 

Catherine didn’t bother to acknowledge his farewell or the fact that he hadn’t waited for her or Brass to respond, she was already halfway across the hall.  Something about the way he had mentioned therapy for Sara had set her on edge.  As she entered the office the sight that greeted her caught the blonde by surprise.  The lanky brunette wasn’t crying or shaking, she was simply slumped in her chair, starring off into space.  She came around the younger woman and knelt down so that she was at eye level with her.  “Sara are you okay?”

“Fine, I’m fine.  It went better than I thought it would.”  She didn’t remember most of the session, but given how it ended it must have gone well. 

“Are you sure kiddo?  You look a little pale.”  Jim kept his voice as soft.  He didn’t like the pallor of the brunette’s face or the slightly hollow look in her eyes. 

“Yeah, I’m good but I’d like to go home now.  I’m kind of tired.”  Sara shifted her gaze between her two friends.  She could see the worry in their eyes and hated the fact that she had put it there, yet again.  But she had no way to explain to them what had happened without sounding a little crazy.  How do you tell someone that you became a ghost for a little while without them calling the nice men in white coats to come take you away?

Catherine stood and moved to the brunette’s side and the detective mirrored her actions.  Together they helped the woman up and out of the building.  After getting Sara into the back seat of Brass’s non-descript sedan, the blonde climbed in and pulled the younger woman close to her body.  She wasn’t sure what to do, there were no tears to dry, no tremors to sooth, no obvious fears to chase away, nothing to do but hold the disturbingly quite woman and hope it was enough.

Xxx

Catherine glanced over at the brunette, still surprised at the serene expression on her face.  The moment they walked into the house something in the younger woman seemed to awaken, to come back to life.  Now Sara was sitting on the sofa with her daughter watching some stupid show on MTV, smiling down at the girl snuggled up to her side.  She had tried to put the lanky woman to bed when they returned but the second Lindsey had come barreling into the room, the brunette claimed she was feeling fine and let the youngest Willows drag her into the living room barely taking the time to say goodbye to Jim as he left to get some sleep before his shift.

From the corner of her eye, Sara watched the older woman watch her.  She could tell Cath was confused by the sudden turnaround but to her it was so simple.  Halfway back to the blonde’s house, she realized she had asked to be taken home and she hadn’t been referring to her apartment.  She had spent the rest of the ride thinking about what that might mean but it really only became clear when she stepped through the front door. 

In two days Catherine’s house had come to feel more like a home than her small apartment ever had.  It had quickly become a sanctuary, a refuge.  But it wasn’t the building that made her feel that way, it was the people within it.  For the first time in what seemed forever she felt like someone genuinely cared about her, like she almost had a family that wanted her.  It was a heady feeling for someone who had been denied that most of her life and she didn’t want to miss a second of it.    

“Lindsey have you finished your homework yet?”  The day was half gone and Catherine didn’t want the girl to have to rush to get it done before bed.  She also wanted a few minutes to talk to Sara without a pair of sharp little ears listing in.

“Do I have to?  I don’t have that much and another episode is coming on.”  Lindsey really didn’t care about the show.  She just didn’t want to give up her spot next to the lanky brunette. 

“Yes you have to.  Now go.”  Catherine turned the mom voice on her daughter, letting her know that she wasn’t in the mood to argue. 

Lindsey didn’t bother to try to plead her case.  She knew it was useless when her mother used that tone.  After a quick kiss to Sara’s cheek she stomped off to her room leaving the two women alone.

Catherine waited until she heard the girl’s door slam before she took the place her daughter had vacated.  “Sara, are you sure you’re all right?  When we left PD you seemed so out of it and now your sitting here laughing and cutting up with Linds.” 

The brunette reached over and took the blonde’s hand, entwining their fingers.  “During the interview I sort of blanked out.  I’m not really sure what I said in there because it’s mostly a blur, but from the way the sheriff and the guy from IAB acted when they left I’m pretty sure it went okay.  They didn’t fire me on the spot anyway.”  She didn’t want Catherine to worry about her but she wasn’t sure she could adequately describe what had happened.  So Sara had to settle for the simplified version.  

“They’re not going to either.  Mobley wanted to make sure that you had set up counseling sessions because he didn’t want to lose such a valuable asset to the lab.  He’s very impressed with your solve rate by the way.”  Catherine thought it was a little dehumanizing, to be thought of only as a set of statistics and not a person but she also understood it from a management point of view.

“He looked that up?”  The brunette shook her head.  It wasn’t really that important, all that mattered was that she wasn’t going to lose her job.  “You know I’ve always hated shrinks, especially when I was a kid.  How can they tell you how you’re supposed to feel about something that they’ve never experienced, never lived through?  The only times I’ve ever gone to one was because I was forced.  And I really don’t want to go now but I will because I want to go back to work.  I want my life back and that’s the only way to do it.”

Sara vividly remembered the first psychiatrist she’d had to see after her father’s death.  The beady-eyed little bald man had been clueless and condescending and after the second visit she’d refused to go back and no matter how much her social worker and foster parents had insisted, and later threatened, nothing could persuade her to change her mind. 

Catherine turned to face the younger woman.  It seemed that Sara had purposely skipped over part of her original question and she didn’t want her to evade it again.  “Okay, I can understand all that.  What I don’t get is why you suddenly perked up the moment we got home and acted like there was nothing wrong.”

Sara broke eye contact with Catherine as a dark blush bloomed on her cheeks and she silently prayed that she wasn’t about to say too much.  She didn’t want the blonde to feel obligated to her in any way, or put the older woman off by how much she’d come to depend on her.  “Because once we pulled into the driveway, there wasn’t.  Being here with you and Lindsey makes me feel safe, like nothing bad can touch me.”

“Yeah well I feel a lot safer with you here too.  One, I can keep an eye on you and make sure you’re not getting yourself into trouble trying to do things before you’re ready.  And two, after watching you jump on Thomas’ back, black and blue from head to toe with a hole in your shoulder, I wouldn’t be scared even if the devil himself showed up at the front door because I know you would kick his ass.”  Although it sounded like she was joking, Catherine had never been more truthful.  She knew firsthand that Sara would fight for her with her last breath.

“I could use my cast as a club and beat him over the head with it.”  Sara could hear the sincerity in the blonde’s voice and fought back the tears suddenly welling in her eyes with humor.  She managed a crooked grin for the older woman even though her chest had become almost painfully tight at Catherine’s faith in her.

The blonde didn’t miss the moisture gathering in the corners of the brunette’s soulful eyes.  She threw her arm over the back of the couch and let it settle over Sara’s thin, but strong shoulders.  “I don’t mean to sound like a broken record but are you sure you’re all right?” 

Sara took the silent invitation and rested her head in the hollow of the blonde’s neck and sighed as willowy arms surrounded her.  It was hard not to be okay when on the receiving end of one of Catherine’s hugs.  “I’m good.  I promise.”  She left the ‘as long as you’re here’ that suddenly popped into her head unspoken.  It would only embarrass her and make the blonde uncomfortable. 

Catherine turned her head and pressed her lips lightly to the silky chestnut strands on Sara’s head, taking in the lingering scent of lavender from the shampoo she’d used to wash the thick hair.  As the younger woman snuggled closer to her, the blonde sighed and settled back.  She had touched Sara more in the last week than she had in the previous five years combined and it was still a little amazing to her that they could be so physical and so comfortable with each other.

Two weeks ago she’d have never dreamed of holding the normally aloof woman like this and now she didn’t even like thinking about not being able to do it because she got as much comfort from it as brunette did.  There was something about putting her arms around the younger woman’s lanky form that put her at ease and made things seem better.  She hated to think what was going to happen when Sara eventually went back to her own home or if the brunette crawled back into her shell and reverted back to her standoffish ways.  Because even though Catherine hated the way it had come about, she definitely liked this new friendship and closeness with the younger woman and would do all she could to keep it.

Lily retreated back to her room as quietly as she could.  The slamming of her granddaughter’s door had brought her out just in time to witness the exchange between her daughter and the brunette from the beginning.  Since Sara had come to stay with them she had tried to keep an eye on the two women but hadn’t had a real chance to observe them alone until now.  So she had grabbed the opportunity and what the older blonde had seen and heard caused her more than a twinge of concern.  

Catherine had always been a tactile person so Lily hadn’t been too worried about the small touches that passed between the two women.  What she had just seen though, the tenderness in the way her daughter caressed and kissed the brunette’s hair and held her close caused a tiny red flag to go up.  That wasn’t something you did with causal friends.  Maybe her granddaughter’s assertion that the two were attracted to each other wasn’t as far fetched as she had first thought.

Her daughter had been incredibly lucky.  Catherine had put herself through school all while raising a child and stripping every night.  She’d been given a once in a lifetime opportunity to start over and the blonde had grabbed it with both hands.  She was now a respected woman in a male dominated field and Lily didn’t want to see her throw it all away.  The backlash of a same-sex relationship in a good ole boys club might not just destroy her career; it could be physically dangerous as well.  And then there was Lindsey to think about.

Linds thought it was cool now, but once her friends started calling her and her mother names, making fun of her, she knew it would hurt the girl.  She’d already been through so much with the death of her father and Lily didn’t want to see her in any unnecessary and pain when it was completely avoidable.  She’d have to wait until she could get Catherine alone to talk to her though.  Because even though she disapproved of where their relationship might be going, she was still grateful to the brunette for saving her daughter’s life.  She didn’t want to hurt Sara but she also couldn’t allow the young woman to hurt Cath either.

 

TBC