| Without My Consent When you’ve got a job that has you waking up when you’re in a dead sleep, making you feel the trickle of cold sweat rolling down your forehead, have you wondering if the next day will be the very last day you are alive. A job that can make you paranoid to the point you’re not sure if you can walk down the street without the feeling everybody is staring at you. Causing every little hair to stand up on end when you hear a slightly different noise behind your back, causing you to turn around ready to defend yourself if need be. With my bed covers all tangled up around my cold feet, I sit and wonder why I decided to be a cop. I stress on the fact the thought if I had picked another profession then I would never had gotten to meet your unique personality. But if I hadn’t become a police officer, (fighting crime and anyone trying to do harm to innocent people or even stopping someone from doing something illegal), then I wouldn’t have gone through the physical and mental breakdown of losing you. Funny thing is about the whole thing was you didn’t die trying to make New York a better place to live. Your blood wasn’t soaking some sidewalk near a crack house as you breathed your very last breaths away. No. You died driving home, home from work. Some asshole had decided to get drunk that night and then for the hell of it maybe try to drive home in his black Ford SUV. You were able to prevent the head-on collusion, only thing was death must have wanted you pretty bad for you couldn’t stop the car from flipping and then hitting a damn lamppost. Didn’t know anything had happened to you, just kept on walking home, listening to my feet hit the pavement causing almost a rhythm to each step I took. I had no idea my entire life and my outlook on life would change that night, and of course without my consent. From where I was on the street, I could see something big had happened. Watched as the emergency vehicles tore past me only to stop a couple blocks down the road. I shrugged it off believing it to be just a bad accident and I knew I would end up seeing it anyways for it was my only way home. I didn’t want to look as though I was a bystander so I quickly tried not to make much eye contact with the police officers shooing people away, or the paramedics working on the victims. Only I stopped. I didn’t look to my side right away, hoping if I didn’t look, it would just be a mistake from looking out of the corner of my eye. I closed my eyes thinking it would be just some stupid nightmare or some daydream or something-other than reality. When I opened them again it was still there, your car flipped the wrong way. I denied it, believing it to be just some kind of uncanny coincidence. Only my guts were screaming in pain, knowing it was you in that car that had been crushed beyond recognition and that you may no longer be alive. My thoughts where lucid as my legs began to work again and I found myself near the car. How the hell had I gotten there? I didn’t know, all I did know was that I had gotten past the police and was now in front of the car, your car. Oh I remember in how I just wanted it to be a nightmare just a plain nightmare where I would wake up and everything would be okay and I would just go back to sleep knowing you were safe in your own damn bed. But no, I knew it wasn’t true cause dreams wouldn’t last so long. I can see you lying there, still supported by your seat belt. Funny, you wore your seat belt, but still it could not protect you from fate itself. The firemen come and pushed me away, telling me it’s okay that maybe there is hope. They lie, trying to make me feel better. Cause they knew as much as I did. You were dead as can be, and there was no coming back from it. They must have already checked for your pulse, cause when they began to saw away the car door, they were not calling out instructions to hurry it up. To rush to save a human soul, for the human soul….your spirit was long gone, far from your wreaked body. They pulled you out finally. Your eyes were closed and your body was slackened with dead weight and if I wished hard enough you were just unconscious or maybe just even sleeping. I hadn’t realized I had begun to cry until I saw a tear had fallen onto your face. I studied the tear for a moment. It almost appeared you yourself were crying. Crying your life was taken so violently, crying you couldn’t live a full life of wonderful memories and crying cause you knew now that you had left me to fend for myself. Your hair was soaked with blood, your blood. Head wounds can be so nasty sometimes, making it appear as though it’s so serious but when really it isn’t. Too bad you couldn’t have walked away from this accident, just walk away with a battle scar. They placed your lifeless body into the body bag after I stood up and took a couple steps away from you. I heard the ambulance doors slam shut and it took off with you in it, away from the destruction that had taken your life. Closed my eyes again and time flew by in a blur. Months past with years following close behind. Didn’t seem right. The world and it’s people just kept on doing the same thing they did everyday, living. Yet you couldn’t be among us, with the living. Got another partner now. Didn’t want one, nobody could replace you. I even had fought tooth and nail but still they placed me with a newbie and there was now nothing I could do. I just simply tried my best to show him the ropes, but it wasn’t the same anymore. I don’t have fun. Yeah sure sometimes when you would begin talking I would have loved to just slap that loud mouth of yours, but still you made it fun. I loved you. Maybe not as a significant lover, cause I already had my husband to love dearly….but I loved you like you were my brother. A baby brother I had to look out for, and protect. |