The Head and Shoulders Flake Awards

I don't know how, but a great many of the women who have passed through my life have been insufferable flakes--but I've suffered them. Not only are they always flakes, but they seem to be always coming up with new ways to disappoint, hurt, and betray me. So, if I have to endure this, then I'm going to at least reserve the right to bitch about it. So here it is. No, I won't pretend I'm nothing but a victim. Of course I've made mistakes! I'd probably be prepared to right all of these wrongs, but these female fragments aren't even around long enough to let me know where I stand!!! So, for my own therapy, I've decided to make an award, where I can rank, compare and categorize flakes in once place.


The ranking is ultimately ajudicated by me, however, it is largely based on the two categories, which are weighted.

Flake by unnecessity

These are flakes who flaked off under avoidable circumstances, or caused a great irony under those circumstances. In other words, just how flakey they are by nature, w/out regards to how the flakiness affects me.

Flake by merit

This is a measure of how damaging the experience was for me.

If you didn't write this

This is the only warning you will get Like I said, this is for my own therapy. Yes, it is highly self-indulgent, but not self-whitewashing, and I won't hear a word about it being unfair.

If you are a flake nominee

Then I doubt very much that you are reading this. Of course, this is not very nice. No doubt, it is potentially very hurtful, sometimes undeserved. So know that this is the only warning you will get. To offend, and judge, are distinct offices And of opposed natures.
RankingNameFlake by unnecessityFlake by meritDescriptionJudgementMessage to her

I'm saving this one for my bestest friend. She's been steadfast and true all these years. Considering how close we've been, we're bound to shed tears (often over each other) but nothing we can't handle. She's not my gf, and I don't expect she ever will be, but I love her dearly, and pray she never gets an entry here.

So, why am I even talking about her? Well, like I said, women in my life are always outdoing each other; finding new an innovative ways to disappoint, hurt and betray me. So far she's been around for over half the flakes who've passed through my life, which means she's probably just biding her time, until she can rise above them all, and be the #1 HnS champion! So, I'm saving this place for her.

She's been my steadfast and loyal friend for years, but now... I don't need to say anything to her here, 'cuz I'll probably be able to say it to her this weekend when I see her.
Now here's a real piece of work. This chick's problems range into the clinical. For that reason, there is some controversy over whether or not she is in the same league as flakes. For months she would stall breaking up w/her bf so she could go out w/me. Every so often I'd put my foot down, and insist she do what she should be doing on her own. At the time I was a virgin, and believed everyone else should be up until, but not including, their wedding night. (I guess I still am and I still do) So you can imagine my anguish when I had to put my foot down over her sleeping with him. After a very long time of having to force her to have the strength to do what she wanted, I said to hell with it, and just dumped her.
A year later, she thought she could just come back into my life, say sorry and everything would fine. At the time I was seeing someone else, and had no intention of losing what I had w/her to go back w/this nutbar. She wouldn't take "I have no intention of losing what I have w/her to go out w/you, you nutbar" for an answer, and so she kept calling me, and calling me, and calling me, and sending me snail-mail which actually strained my mental health. I actually had to get the police to deal w/her. That was the last I heard of her.
Lynn gets top marks for flake by unnecessity because:
  1. I had made myself available for months
  2. in the end, she clearly wanted me very badly, so it's not like I wasn't worth the effort to her
  3. a stronger woman would have found it the easiest thing in the world to dump this chump who was treating her like crap, to go out w/someone she wanted very badly.
All these things alloy together to form one hell of an unnecessity, considering the value of what was lost, and the simplicity of avoiding the loss.
She also gets top marks for merit because of the damage she caused. By being so complacent for so long, while keeping me on the edge, it caused me a great deal of anguish. Then, when she suddenly realized she wanted me, I went through and incredible amount of stress. Pity she was so good-looking--was she ever!
You really were a pain in the ass, but clearly you were the bigger loser in this whole affair, so clearly this was very self-destructive of you, and I hope you do get your life together, although to be honest, I don't see how you could grow up now, when at 30 you were acting like a 13-year-old.

Here's someone with a lot in common with Lynn, in that she deals with problems instinctively (as do most flakes), is unable directly fix problems, but instead sabotages connections with things she's uncomfortable with, and prefers the devil she knows for the angel she doesn't. Tanya is one of the few women to whom I seriously considered marriage. She had me so snowed, not to mention fucked hardcore gamer style.

When I first met her, I saw her as someone w/whom I had a fair bit in common, in very important ways. I felt she was being stifled by her family, and I wanted to encourage her to be what she was supposed to be, and wanted to be. She was getting her education, and wanted to be successful. I could get behind that. Soon, my belief in her and love for her were very powerful. I made some incredibly obvious demonstrations of love and devotion (like driving 500mi to see her!) but she still dealt with some bizarre kind of complex about feeling worthless and unwanted. She was completely unable to absorb any reasons for feeling secure about what she meant to me, but was very quick to read neglect into my behavior, even if it meant milking misunderstandings for all they were worth, or blowing human failings way out of proportion.

For whatever reason, she decided that I wasn't right for her. Fair enough, if that's what she wants, but her way of dealing w/it was to sleeping around. I could see she was extremely reckless, but I saw this as a matter of impulsiveness, and not any inherent dishonesty.

Eventually, it became clear that we weren't going to have any future together, and I accepted this, but nevertheless I still believed in her, and encouraged her. Finally, she went into hiding without a word, and left me to guess what happened to her. For all I knew she was dead. To me, it was inconceivable that she would neglect to keep me informed, which implied that something bad had happened to her.

After several months of this, I managed to confirm that she is in fact alive, and not apparently suffering any kind of trauma that would cut any lines of communication with me. I can only assume that she decided I was no longer of any use to her, and had no problems shutting me out, and leaving to me whatever anxiety would follow.

I cannot give any other flake higher marks for merit based on the damage that was done. The unnecessity is based on how she just should have understood what she wanted and been straight with me about it. I might have been brought to a better understanding if she'd done the decent thing, but because she is playing dead, she has been tried in absentia and found to be a most despicable flake.

You once told me that your attitude about people who have hurt you is "I don't hate you, I hate what you did". I am not nearly so magnanimous. I will never forgive you for what you have done to me, Tanya. I have no idea how much you care about what hurt you caused me, or how much I ever meant to you, because you betrayed me in this way, so I have had to call every good thought I had about you into question. For all I know, everything you have ever told me was a lie.

I loved what I was with you. You somehow managed to trick the best out of me, but now I feel like such an asshole for having so much faith in you. Now, you have returned me to my natural state of bitterness and pessimism. Having said that I do hope you fail in life. Last I heard, you were engaged. I hope he treats you very poorly, and you end up divorced, and deeply regretting how you treated me. For this bitterness and spite is what is natural for me, not the beautiful hope and sanguine faith I had in you.

I have done everything in my power to make restitution for any mistakes I've made, and everything in my power to reverse the effects of what other people have done. Now, I expect that the weight of your iniquity will keep you miserable and regretful.


Now here's someone with the weakness of Lynn but the disloyalty of Tanya. She was never my girlfriend. For one thing, she was underaged. For another... well, what else can there be? She was just a friend, but I fancied her as someone who needed the security that my confidence in her would afford. And she fancied me as something as a big brother, I guess. For years I bled for her, and tollerated a great deal of flakiness, and I'm not even sure what. Whatever happened, I always did right by her. One day I get a call that starts "who is this?" I immediate respond by telling him that that should be my line, but instead he argues with me, and describes a scenario wherein he finds my number on his girlfriend's cell phone. I hang up on him. She got some control-freak boyfriend who, after a month of being in her life, decides that her friendship with me is his business. Not only that, I also heard that he read personal e-mails and snail-mails sent by me to Karyssa--and she let him!

At the end of a few exchanges, which included some vague threat of violence, Karyssa sends me an e-mail telling me she hates me, calls me a "pervert" and that Jacob? is all she needs. Where did the hatred come from? What did I ever do to her? Only a few days before she was sending me smilies on-line. No, clearly this could only come to pass if Karyssa was very weak, and Jacob determined to decide who should and shouldn't be in her life--pa-thetic.

Karyssa was only a friend, and the media that supported our friendship (and later enmity) were e-mail, snail-mail, and IM, so we weren't all that close, which limits the amount of damage that could be done. However, she was more unnecessarily disloyal than Tanya, in that I was always there for Karyssa. W/Tanya, I was also in it for myself, in that I was in it for us, but for Karyssa, all I wanted to do was make her happy, and give her the security from an adult that I needed as a teen. So it was particularly galling when she allowed this Johnny-come-lately stupid sack of shit to vomit all over everything we had.

Because she was young, I did give her a discount. But her youth doesn't come close to giving her an acquital, since when I was her age, I would have never stabbed anyone in the back so--that is a fundamental difference between her and me as a teen.

Because you were young, I am hoping that you were just a late bloomer, and that by the time you are in your twenties you'll have caught up, and will be capable of making your own decisions, and valuing loyalty over the dominance of a man. I further do hope you regret what you have done, but not because I am angry and bitter (which I am not especially) but because you will not be able to fully gain your self-respect and self-confidence, except by dealing with this issue--and perhaps because I am a bit bitter and angry. Oh well.

I, on the other hand, will probably never recover from your gross ingratitude. It will always be with me, and will probably be all I will ever remember you for.


Now here's someone who's very existence defies all rationale. When I first met her I was blown away by her appearance. She was gorgeous! Objectively, I don't think most guys would go that far, but to me, she appeared to be everything I find exciting in a woman: intelligent, decent, confident, and objectively, pretty easy on the eyes also. Allison was, in fact, very intelligent, and friendly, and expressed great pathos over the suffering I've endured by flakes. She was also moving very fast. She never talked about a relationship, but only after about a week or so she had asked me to be her date at a wedding she would be going to. Fortunately, I had was fairly confident that I could not have a woman like her. I thought it very likely that she would find someone as pessimistic and negative as me nothing like the sort of person who would bring out the best in her.

So you can imagine my surprise when she appeared to also have falled off the earth. I got an e-mail from a friend saying she was in the hospital but was not in any serious danger. Then I heard nothing from the friend. I pleaded with her for news, and sent Allison e-mails but got nothing back. Finally, I called the number I got off of, what I'm pretty sure is her father answered, and I left a message for her to call me back. And big surprise I never heard back from her. At least I know she's alive, and therefore one of the worst flakes I've ever suffered.

With the raw irony of her expressing such sympathy for my problems with flakes and then her astonishingly swift flaking off, no one can beat this chick's unnecessity score. Since I knew her such a short time, and disciplined myself against any disappointments relationship-wise, she couldn't do a great deal of damage. What the hell is the matter w/you? After all that talk about flakes... you just go and pretend your dead like that. Are you bi-polar or something?

Here's someone who usually behaves like an adult, but when triffling with my affections, did not.

Imane was born and raised in Lebanon as a Moslem. Not a very strict Moslem, (she didn't wear the hijab, for instance) but a liberal Lebanese Moslem, is still plenty more conservative about boy-girl things than... well, nearly everyone else I've ever met. So she had never had a boyfriend before, and had never even been kissed. (Boy, did that ever change in a few short months!) I was at a difficult time in my life, and while I didn't mistreat her, probably brought her down indirectly. I don't exactly know what happened w/her, but she decided to break it off completely and utterly. This was very painful for me, but not yet worthy of flakehood.

What was indefensible for her, was that she called me about 15 months later looking for a sympathetic ear. Basically it was to tell me that a guy had done exactly the same thing to her as she did to me! The first thing the said to me involved creating a cushion to deal with any anger I might have. I demonstrated no such negativity, and was warm and compassionate. I don't remember the exact course of the conversation, but it ended with an open end, prompting a follow-up. The next day I e-mailed her, and got no response. I e-mailed her again expressing a certain amount of sarcasm over her silence. She came back expressing a wish to discontinue (again!) earning her a more sarcastic and indignant response from me. The last thing I remember was her telling me that she hopes I will forgive her.

Ok, so I was her first boyfriend, so even though she was an adult, it's understandable that she might take a little while to figure out what she wants. But after severing contact w/me, she calls me back wanting to have her cake and eat it to..? There's no excuse for that. I really didn't expect her to be so selfish and cruel.

Can you imagine, Imane? I still have feelings for you, and sometimes think about you and the good times we had. If you called me up tonight, I don't think I could spit any of the venom I have generating in my glands. How sad is that?

All of my other emotions are based on disgust. We Scotsmen don't believe in something for nothing, and my forgiveness would be something granted for your sacrifice for me which was nothing. You're one of the bigger pain-in-the-ass flakes.

I went out w/Teresa when we were both pretty young. I'd rather forget much of it, because she was into some weird, scarey shit. We both behaved in ways fairly normal for our age, but she did not always treat me honourably, some of which can be attributed to youth and the process of self-discovery, but the rest has got more to do w/the way she is and that I can't abide. I might be wrong, but my guess is that she is still much this way. It hurt quite a bit at the time, and considering the youth factor, the unnecessity is pretty low, but significant, nonetheless. Probably not much. You were (and I believe are) into weird, scarey shit, which was also connected to the way you were, which is weird and scarey, in a way which is hard to explain, which only makes it scarier. Oh, and no one has been able to tickle me the way you used to ;)
Olena's life I also wanted to enrich. She's probably one of the most intelligent people I've ever known. I also wanted to encourage her, inspire her, and all that foolish jazz. She repaid that with humiliation and neglect. It all ended w/her also allowing me to believe that she was dead, although probably not on purpose. She went through a brief blackout in communications, but then never bothered to get back to me once it was lifted. Considering how much I bled for her, and was rewarded with a shotgun blast to the face, she gets a good grade for unnecessity. It also hurt a lot, but I've had worse. You weren't very nice to me.
I was totally smitten by this chick. She was magnificent, genius... but I knew it would never work. There were far too many traits and stuff that would get in each other's way. Of course, I told her how I feel, and for a while she was tickled pink by the whole idea. But after it wore off, I guess it got old w/her, and she didn't give a rat's ass. My last words to her were "I don't know you". I wasn't sure if I should be giving her marks on the high side or low side of half for unnecesity. I guess my attitude about the whole thing would get old w/a lot of chicks. But her complacency and contempt for my feelings were unnecessary. I've gotten over my feelings for you, and now I think you deserve to be shamed for how insensitive you were to me.
Jessica was also never a girlfriend. She was also another young person who looked to me for support, and got it, and was a steadfast friend for a couple of years. I really don't understand it. She was consistent and everything. Then one time I sent her an e-mail and she responded w/"please just leave me alone". This is just one of those about-faces that happens when you least expect it. Jessica at least finished up w/me, although somewhat vaguely and under pressure. She also was someone I didn't have anything romantic with, and therefore has a low score. I still don't know what the hell happened, just that you're another pain-in-the-ass flake.

Nothing that special about this one, and her flakiness was not unpredictable. When she described her home life and stuff, I could see that this would not be conducive to... well, the sort of person I'd want to be w/. Her parents were divorced, but her mother is also seeing someone who is only a few months older than Pamela, and a former friend to Pamela's sister. Of course this isn't likely be that destructive, even if pretty weird, but my instincts tell me that this is the tip of the iceburg, and someone from a family like that has got to have a lot of baggage.

Well, Pamela didn't have any detectable baggage, so I went forth. She expressed a great deal of enthusiasm for me, which, of course, felt very good. So, after knowing her for only a few days, I drove the 1.5 hours (or so) to see her. It was difficult to tell how well things went, but at the end of the date, the only overwhelming thought she could express was that our age difference was "disconcerting". True, there is quite a spread between 21 and 32, but how big was the spread yesterday? The next day she sent me a polite e-mail telling me she didn't think we should see each other, for various reasons.

Due to the irony of her shifting gears so swiftly, after having told me she refuses to drive a standard, I'd decided to give her a femininized version of a Forumla-1 champion's name as a nickname.

I didn't have high hopes about this chick so the damage was light, and she was decent enough to close things with me, so she doesn't score high in either category. However, I've had far too much experience w/flakes to take her at her word, when she lists reason why it wasn't going to work. There's a very good chance she was lying about it all. I hope you learn from this experience not to shift gears so fast when triffling w/men's affections. No, this experience wasn't devastating to me, but you qualified for a flake award, which isn't good. Furthermore, I can see you devastating some other poor bastard in the future. Don't.