"They got this Richard Simmons, the 1983 Vaseline poster boy. You see this guy yet? What's the bug up his ass already?"
"Then I read recently that David Bowie came out with a statement saying that he's not gay anymore. He gave it up. What'd he do? Go to the Schick Center for three weeks? Trust me, if this guy sees a Boy Scout Troop, he buckles to his knees. Yeah, I quit cigarettes too, pal. You need a dick in your mouth, that's your problem."
"So you take her out on a date, you spend $30, $40 and what do you get at the end of the night? A kiss on the cheek? Fellas, lets face it. We could get that from our wife."
"With the positions, you gotta fold them, you gotta bend them, you gotta be fucking Gumby to make love today. You gotta hang them from a chandelier with a pickle in their mouth to get them off."
"And then they want us to go down on them. You ever see a vagina up close? It's frightening. It's like a haunted house down there. It's covered with shrubbery and weeds, you gotta cut through it with a machete. And depending on their mood, sometimes they'll just lay there, like you ain't even in the room. Sometimes you gotta check in with them, 'Honey, am I in the right ball park?'" 'A little lower, circle to the left.' 'What, are we backing a truck in here?'"
"Because once you go down on a chick, this ain't no five-minute trip, this is a weekend. And I'll tell you something, after five minutes it gets boring. That's why I wear a walkman."
"They're like that once your living with them. You'll hear things like, 'Why do I always get the wet spot?' 'Honey, be happy you're on the bed when I'm through with you. Look at the dog, he don't even have a pillow and he ain't complaining. So what if you eat out of the same bowl? You got the fucking bed.'"
"Masturbation is king. You know it, I know it, so who are we bullshitting? I screwed everything in the house when I was a kid. Didn't make no difference to me. Socks, gloves. My mother's got a mink coat that doesn't need a hanger anymore. I remember my mother going, 'We're having liver for dinner tonight.' 'Yeah, well I had it last night, Mom. It was good!'"
"Fags walk with that limp wrist. They're wrists aren't limp, they're busted from being on their hands and knees all night."
"These faggots are always on parade. They march up down the street with T-shirts and signs, 'I want money for AIDS disease.' So what? I want money for a new fucking car, but I ain't marching up and down the street. Get a job, butt-slammer. Find something you like other than the Hershey Highway."
"And when AIDS breaks out all over the country, like mildew, you got twenty millions faggots running around, 'Where does this come from? How can I get this?' How can you get it? It's very simple, let me explain this. If you walk around with shit on your dick all day, you're bound to pick up something. This ain't a twenty-four hour virus, it ain't a migraine headache. Maybe this is God's way of saying, 'Hey fellas, wake up and smell the coffee.'"
"The second I was born, the doctor smacked me in the ass. I looked at him like, 'Hey doc, you got a fucking problem?'"
"You start out in kindergarten, the teachers try to dominate you. Every day at noon the teacher comes up to you, 'Drink your milk.' I ripped open her blouse, I said, 'Honey, I like it from the tap.'"
"My girlfriend used to come to me every three weeks, 'I just lost ten pounds.' 'Yeah, from your belly to your ass.'"
"I met a chick last night, she said to me, 'Give me nine inches and hurt me.' I fucked her three times and hit her in the head with a brick."
"Does anyone have any questions? 'Why do you think your so great?' Why do I think I'm so great? Ask your mom. How do you think you got here?"
"I wish women got excited like men do. They see a guy they like, their tits pop out three or four feet."
"I Dream Of Jeannie, come on. They gave Jeannie to the wrong guy. Everything she wanted to do, 'May I do something, master?' 'No, don't do that, Jeannie.' Give her to me for a day. 'OK Jeannie, you wanna do something? How about you make your tongue six feet long and lick my balls from across the room.'"
"You get them in bed and you always hear stuff like, 'Why do you always have to make love to me from behind? Don't you like to look at my face when you make love to me?' 'I don't know. You're face, your ass, what's the difference?'"
"No matter how good you bang them, they're never happy. They're always there afterwards going, 'Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you talk to me?' 'Because I'm finished.'"
"Do you remember in the third or fourth grade when they first came up with the boner? Your leaning over like the Hunchback Of Norte Dame and the teacher goes, 'Come on up the board.' And your sitting there like, 'I don't think so, honey.'"
"Then the panhandlers try to embarrass you when your with your girlfriend. They'll come over, right in front of her face, 'Would you like to buy a flower for the lady?' 'Hey, let me tell you something. I fucked this lady four times today already. Catch me early evening, you fucking chink bastard.'"
"And bisexuals, there is no such thing. Let me clear that up right now. You either suck dick or you do not suck dick. What do these guys do? Get up in the morning and flip a coin to decide? 'Heads, I want hairpie. Tails, balls across the nose.'"
"And now condoms are coming out in colors, that's real important. I think the last thing a girl wants to see in bed is a big lime green dick coming at her. 'Yeah, say hello to ET, honey. He's coming home.'"
"But the minute the one night stand is over, they get guilty about it. It's like these chicks you meet in a bar, like 9 o'clock at night, by midnight your banging, sucking, fucking. And come the morning, they're like, 'You know, I only needed to be held.' 'You got the bonus plan, honey.'"
"They should have a sign at the airport that says, 'If you don't know the language, get the fuck out of the country!'"
"When I'm banging a chick, I at least let them know what's gonna happen before the orgasm. I'm banging away, and about ten seconds before I give her the malt, I let her know what's gonna happen. 'Look baby, I'm gonna come, what'll it be? In your crack or on your back? I'm gonna come, what'll it be? In your snatch or down your hatch? Between your eyes or between your thighs?'"
"I like a bush, man. I hate when they shave it. When they give it that Marine Core look. And everybody knows you went down on her, because you have a bunch of spikes in your forehead. Like you went down on a rake the night before."
"I hate when they put cologne on their pussy. They dummy it up with cologne, like you don't know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon."
"Come winter time, I go into the neighborhood drug store and I buy one of those big jugs of Vaseline. And the girl behind the counter gives me this attitude like, 'Oh, what do you need such a big container of Vaseline for?' 'My girlfriend likes it in the crapper, you know how that is.'"
"So last night I'm giving this chick the nice salami and nut ride. So she looks back at me and she's like, 'Do you really care about me?' 'No. I had a load to drop and you got in the way.' So what happens next? She starts crying. Here I am, my cubes are bouncing off her lawn. And she's fucking crying and I'm like, 'All right honey, stop crying. What's your name?' 'Sarah.' 'Sarah? Hey, do me a favor. Move your head out of the way, I'm trying to watch the ball game.'
"The minute you go, 'Honey, I love you. I wanna marry you.' The first words out of their mouth, 'What about a ring?' 'Oh, you must mean that five thousand dollar down payment on your snatch.'"
"3 o'clock on the morning, the baby's crying. She looks over at you, 'Honey will you change the baby's diaper?' You gotta look at them and say, 'Fuck you. You had him, you wipe his fucking ass.'"
"I went out with this one girl who was such a fucking tramp, I had to double park my dick on her ass and wait an hour to get in."
"You come over to a chick in the disco, you're like, 'Hey honey, you wanna dance?' 'No, I don't dance.' 'Great, you wanna just blow me in the toilet so I can get out of here?'"
"Yeah, fat people. They go against me like fucking rat poison. It's like, look at Oprah. We all knew she was gonna blow up again. I mean, this was no secret. When she came on her show weighing like 90 pounds, I'm sitting there like, 'I'll wait. I'll fucking wait.' And I would tease her. I'd send like cakes and shit to her show, 'Happy Birthday, Oprah.'"
"Look at the fucking tits on this one. Oh shit, oh fuck. Those are tits. I bet you got a bush that would make a Chia Pet jealous, baby. What a fucking mess you must have down there. What, do you put in hair extensions? That's a bush. Oh, I can't wait to go home and jerk off."
"She looks nice. Whose that, your girlfriend? Yeah, you with the hat. Hey, jerk off. Who is she? Talk! 'I don't know' You have no idea? You seem to like looking at her tits a lot, donít you? You admire her tits. Why can't you say it? Why can't you be honest? What, you think I don't see guys like you in discos? You think I don't know how you approach a chick? You put on your three piece suit, you blow dry your hair. All of a sudden your Joey Casanova. You walk over to a chick like, 'How you doing, baby? My name's Joey Casanova. What's your name? I couldn't help notice your big fat tits from across the room. You really got big fat tits. You know what I'm saying? I mean, what a vibe.' Then you go, 'Can I buy you a drink? How about a Screaming Orgasm?' Yeah right, get the fuck out of here. She wouldn't bang you with that guy's dick, believe me."
"There's nothing like jerking off. Look at PeeWee, right. Fucking PeeWee Herman is the biggest star in the nation now. Not because of his talent. It's because he jerked off all over himself in a public theatre. I respect that man. I'm waiting for his next movie to come out, 'The Adventures Of PeeWee,' coming in a theatre near you."
"You look like you got a snap temper. Does he argue with you a lot, honey? 'Yeah.' Don't guys snap over anything? I could imagine you're just cleaning the house, doing the things women should do. Oh, did I say that? Alright, so you're cooking dinner and here he comes. Here comes Mr. Temper. 'Honey, come here. Didn't I put my keys right here? I remember putting them right here. I mean, what the fuck? When I put my keys somewhere, how many times do I tell you not to touch my fucking keys, huh? How many fucking times? I put them right here. I remember where I put them. What the fuck did you do with my keys? Oh, they're in my pocket.'"
"You see, women hold it in. Not for two, three days. Six, seven years. You come home one day, she's banging your best friend, you know there's a problem. You know what I mean, girls? If you really love your man, talk to him. Get it off your chest right away. And even if your mad at him, it doesn't mean you shouldn't bang the guy. Slap-fuck him. You know what I mean? You get in bed, he starts licking your tits. 'Oh Joey, that feels so good.' Then you slap him. 'Why'd you talk to me like that in front of my mother? Oh, that feels good. Lick my snatch, Joey.' You slap him again. 'I saw you looking at my girlfriend's ass. Now fuck the shit out of me, Joey! I can't take it anymore!' Slap-fuck him."
"Oh, they come up with great ideas in bed. 'Hey baby, would you like me to come between your tits?' What's the payoff? A two hundred pound hairy animal sitting on your chest for an hour. What's the payoff? A cream-rinse? And he's looking at you like, 'Uh, its protein.' 'Yeah, so is Metamucil. You gonna sprinkle that on your chest?'"
"If you're nice enough to suck his fucking pecker, what's he gonna do? He's gonna push the issue. He'll grab you by the back of your hair, like a fucking vice grip, which all women love. 'Can I come in your mouth? Is it alright if I come in your fucking mouth?' What are you getting? A fine white wine? Chateau L'Come?"
"Guys get sick in bed. You know what his fantasy is? To make it with two chicks at once. That's every guys fantasy. I don't care how much he says he loves you. So you know what he's gonna do? One day he'll come home with a porno tape, 'Hey honey, look at this. Steve gave it to me at work. Isn't he nuts? Can we play it? Please, can we play it?' So he puts in the tape, now the dyke scene comes on with two chicks and he'll be looking at it like he's never seen it before in his life. 'Oh, wow! Hey honey, that looks kind of sexy. I could see you doing that.' That's when you gotta look at him and go, 'Oh, really? Well, I could see you blowing the mailman on the living room floor.'"
"I know girls. Come Christmas time, they want a nice gift. A little jewelry, maybe a new coat to wear. Not me. I know what I want on my birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day and every fucking holiday there is. I tell her, 'Honey, don't spend a penny. Just suck my dick."
"Especially if it's a girl you just met. You were just over at the family's house, you met the parents. Parents gave the girl a big build up, 'Oh, what a fine girl we brought up. She went to the finest schools, just listen to her speak.' Ten minutes later, she's in your car and she's sucking your dick like it's the last supper."
"A lot of chicks are into that ball-gargling. That's when you lower your sack into their yak."
"It's like your in the living room, she's in the kitchen and your like, 'Hey cunt, do me a favor. Grab me a beer.' And she looks at you like, 'Cunt?' You're like, 'Honey, cunt, whatever.' I mean, what if you don't have this discussion? Two weeks later, your in an Italian restaurant with her family and you go, 'Hey cunt, pass the breadsticks.' Then her mother looks at you, 'You mean me?'"
"You see, the vagina is a funny toy. All of a sudden it goes from eighteen, nineteen, now it's forty five years old. So it goes from this cute little pink dot to fucking veal cutlet parmesan. The lips turn brown, like the meat in a grocery store after two weeks. On a hot day, they start hanging down. One lip gets stuck to her ankle, the other one gets tangled around your balls. You gotta call the fire department to get out. I'm waiting to see the commercial on TV, 'My cock's caught in her cunt, I can't get out!'"
"Look at this girl. Look at those thin little lips. Can't even hold a full load, huh sweetheart?"
"A nice hairy bush, that's what I like. I bet they got samples of your bush at every carpet store in Long Island. I'm gonna write a movie about your bush, I'm gonna call it 'Swamp Thing.' I bet your bush is so hairy, when you take off your panties, your pussy's singing 'Welcome To The Fucking Jungle!'"
"I'm nice with my wife. I'm a gentleman, I got manners. Before I left to hit the road, I took her out for dinner and we had a little wine. So now we come home and she's a little sick, she's throwing up from the wine. So I'm just trying to bang her from behind, because I'm leaving the next day. And she's looking back at me like, 'Can't you see I'm throwing up?' And I'm like, 'Honey, it's not like I'm trying to get blown over here, you know.'"
"I don't understand why they came out with the Elvis stamp. It's a good seller, but think if they came out with the pussy stamp. They could put little hair on it, stick it in the garbage so it stinks like one."
"I was banging my neighbor's wife, it was in the Valentine's Day spirit. And her husband comes in, and catches us and goes, 'Hey Dice, why are you fucking my wife?' So I told him, 'Hey, you're daughter wasn't home.'"
"When I'm having sex, I don't play that game, wait for the other person to come. I don't play that. Whoever comes first wins. And I normally do."
"Sex gets boring once your married, it becomes routine. It's like you got a checklist when you get in bed. 'All right, lets see. Tits, licked them, check. Neck, bit it, check.' Two pumps, he's out cold."
"It's like you bang for an hour and you come for two seconds. I'd rather bang for two seconds and come for an hour. Me, I wanna to come like I piss. I want it to be like a sub machine gun bouncing off her head. I wanna write my name on the floor. I don't even wanna see her head when I'm done coming. I want her to look like Frosty the Snowman with a fucking carrot hanging out of her mouth."
"When your younger, you never come in them. You don't even think about it. You wanna show them what you can do. It's like, 'Honey, I'm gonna come now, move over. You see that lamp all the way over there in your parent's living room? Yeah, watch this.' That's coming. It's like a fucking sprinkler system when your young."
"I like a real whore. The type of chick that when you're jerking on her face, she sings, 'Raindrops keep falling on my head.'"
"I'm eating this chicks dungeon the other day. And girls, you gotta keep it clean down there, because it smells like cow shit. I'm sticking Tic Tacs in there, Listerine, I'm spraying Raid. I didn't get rid of the stink, but it killed the bugs."
"You gotta cheat. You gotta know how to cheat and you gotta know how to lie. Because every night when I go out my wife stands there, 'What time are you coming home?' 'How the fuck would I know? Did I leave the house yet? Can I read my own fucking mind?' So then you go out, you come back like five or six in the morning, your fucking wife is pacing back and forth. 'Where were you?' 'Freak fucking thing. My whole car rolled over, the fucking motor went flying out of the fucking thing, a truck ran over my legs. It was crazy. I had to fix the whole fucking thing by myself.' 'No, you weren't. You were with somebody.' 'I'm telling you, a fucking truck-' 'No, you were with somebody.' Then you gotta be like, 'Honey, let me put it to you this way. Do you wanna hear about the three hookers I picked up in a bar that sucked my dick all night long or do you wanna stick with the truck story and keep this fucking family together?'"
"I wish I was your gynecologist, because I can read lips."
"You know how a Kenny G concert ends? 'Hey pal, we're closing, wake the fuck up. We'll tow your fucking car. Get the fuck out of here.'"
"A couple days ago I was at an Italian restaurant with some chick. It's romantic, you're in a nice red booth. I got like four fingers up her ass-pipe, trying to be romantic. I'm whispering things in her ear like, 'I'd really like to lick your cunt in the truck when were done here.'"
"Don't you know how the tuba was invented? Don't you know about the tuba? You know musicians are dope addicts, I don't have to tell you that. Some stoned guy was hanging out with his friend and said, 'Hey, I got an idea. Lets invent the biggest fucking horn we could imagine.' So they build it, 'What do you wanna call it?' 'Tuba. I don't know.'"
"You know when I knew life was gonna suck? When we all should have known it? The day when your mother put you on the toilet and said, 'Today we're gonna teach you how to wipe your own ass.' I'll never forget looking at my mother like, 'Is it something I said? What do you mean wipe my own ass? I don't do that. I mean, it feels good the way you put that ointment around my nuts and sprinkle that powder around my cock, and then you put me in that little package so I can shit in my pants all day. I get it mom, I guess I'm not allowed to suck on your tits anymore either.'"
"Then next they got that other part of the physical. This is just for the guys. When he rolls your balls around in his hand, this is what I want you to do. Because we gotta put an end to this. It's stupid, it's bullshit. Next time your at the doctor, and as he's coming in the room and he still has his back to you, and your sitting on the ripped paper. Before his turns around, just go like this, all excited sounding, 'Hey doc, your gonna check my balls out today aren't you?'"
"Once the doctor is sitting down and he's got your balls in his hand, what I want you to do, very gently now, run your fingers through his hair. Start tapping him on the back of the head. 'Who's looking, doc?'"
"When you come out of the bathroom, just smell good and look good, baby. Because I'm still the guy that likes to put his face in your snatch. And I better not see no toilet paper down there. And if I do, all I'm gonna do is blow my nose, pack a bag and leave."
"In this tampon commercial, they show close ups of it. 'Look at the lines on this, look at the contours. This will fit your pussy like a fucking glove. Try it on girls, and it's got wings.' I wish it had wings so at that time of the month, they could just fly away for the fucking week."
"The walls in apartments are paper thin. Now guys are animals, you know that. This is where I give women credit. If women hear somebody fucking through the apartment walls, they'll turn up the TV. Not men. If we hear one little moan, we'll throw the fucking TV out the window. I'm telling you, if I hear a couple banging, I'm like a cheerleader. I'm yelling through the walls, 'That's it Joey! That's it! Now flip her over on her belly! Marie, you better fucking swallow! He married you! $25,000 wedding, suck it!'"
"The other day in the dry-cleaners, I'm fucking this chick from behind. So I'm getting ready to come all over her back. So she looks back at me and she's like, 'Why do you wanna come one my back?' So I says, 'To be quite honest, your face don't appeal to me.'"
"I love tits. Big tits, little tits. Tits that skip and hop. A happy tit, a sad tit, a tit used as a mop."
"You're a nice looking girl. Shit, I gotta get in there."
"Could you imagine trying to suck your own dick? You roll yourself up in a ball, your balls flap over. Now you see your own dick coming at you and you start to think about it. You go, 'Wait a minute. Is this where my life is? Am I really gonna suck my own dick?' And if you do, you'll probably do it really fantastic. What if you do it so good you die with your dick in your mouth? People will come to your funeral, your in the letter 'O' with your dick in your mouth, it ain't gonna look right. What are your parents gonna say? 'Oh, he was stretching out before working out.'"
"You see a hot girl, you just wanna grab their head and start jerking off into it, but no that's considered harassment. Yeah, women came up with a word, harassment. So lets break down the word. Her-ass-meant, that I should fuck it."
"My wife gets mad when we're in Hollywood and you see all these fucking hookers. I love their dress code. That's how you dress for a man, girls. If you want a man to stay with you, what's better than those neon pink shorts with your fat ass hanging out and your over-sized tits just dribbling over your fucking bra? And my wife's looking at me in the car going, 'Oh, she's so disgusting.' I'm like, 'Hey honey, cars are blocked up for three blocks to see that. I don't see nobody stopping to look at you. So shut your fucking mouth and take a hint.'"
"After you suck my dick and swallow my load, people will come up to you the next day, 'Did you put on a couple pounds?'"
"I bet you could bend good too. They gotta be able to bend with me. They need the flexibility. When they grab their ankles, you know, when they could get all filthy and nasty behind closed doors when their daddy can't see what animals they grew up to be. And they hold their fucking ankles up and bend them all the way back and there's their pussy right up in the fucking air. Almost like a waiter bringing it over on a tray, like, 'Here you go, sir. Here's that pussy you ordered."
"And you take your apple-headed dick and you start playing like a little bongo beat on her clit with it. And then you stick it in, right to your balls for that fucking squish. And her pussy lips just part like the Red fucking Sea. 'Take that! Incoming! Incoming! Fire in the fucking hole, baby!'"