Disclaimer: I don’t own Hold On, the song; it’s owned by Good Charlotte. I don’t own Malice Mizer; they own themselves. I just have the plot line. ^_^
Warnings: Shounen-ai
Hold On
One-Shot
“I’m worried about Mana,” Kozi muttered to Yu~ki, who was standing right next to him as they waited in the cold for the other guitarist, “Maybe we should go up and get him. I don’t think we should leave him alone for very long, especially so soon after Gackt…” He trailed off, fighting down the urge to say something else about their previous vocalist.
“I’ll go get him,” Yu~ki said suddenly, noticing how his companion was growing more uncomfortable with each passing second, “You wait right here and I’ll bring Mana down. Even in his state, he’s too much of a perfectionist to willingly miss practice. I have to say that we’re both worrying over nothing.” Kozi glared, crossing his arms over his chest as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
“It isn’t nothing and you know it, Yu~ki,” Kozi snapped, his red contacts glinting with his fierceness, “I’ve known Mana longer than you. I’ve never seen him this upset.” The bassist, who had been walking towards the doors to go into the building, stopped and went back to the guitarist. He put a comforting hand on Kozi’s shoulder, his dark eyes softening as they stared at each other.
“Kozi, I love Mana too. He’s like my brother. I miss Kami, just like you and Mana miss him. And I know how close Mana was to Gackt before he left us. I also know that Mana needs us to be strong, supportive, and helpful while he gathers up the pieces of his life and puts them back together,” Yu~ki said gently, running his fingertips over Kozi’s face, “We have each other to hold to while we rebuild. Mana, even though he has his friends, doesn’t have his lover anymore. You and I, we have to be as caring as we can possibly be when we’re around him.”
“I know that,” Kozi said with a sigh, pushing Yu~ki’s hand off of his face, “I’m just worried that he won’t be able to take the stress when we aren’t able to be there for him. He might do something to himself. First Gackt leaves the band and doesn’t bother to even call Mana afterwards to say it’s over between the two of them, he just let him find out by looking at magazines. And then Kami died. I’m afraid it may be too much for his delicate heart.” Yu~ki snatched up Kozi’s hand and proceeded to drag him into the apartment building, wandering over to the row of elevators. The bassist pushed the button to go up and watched the silver doors slowly shut.
“I’m going to ask Mana to stay with us for a little while, if you don’t mind,” Yu~ki said quickly, watching Kozi out of the corners of his eyes. The guitarist smiled radiantly and nodded his agreement feverishly, happy that they wouldn’t be leaving their friend alone after all.
This world, this world is cold
But you don't, you don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely
And no one seems to care
Your mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear
“Here’s the key,” Kozi stated immediately when the bassist had began to fumble with his key ring, holding the small piece of carefully shaped silver metal separate from the others just like it on the loop. Yu~ki pulled it from him and undid the lock, letting the dark door swing into the shadowed apartment. They crept in, shutting the door behind them and searching for a light switch as they felt along the wall. After a few moments, Kozi found what they were looking for and the hallway was brightly illuminated.
“Mana?” Yu~ki called out, casually glancing into the living room. He was about to walk past it when he noticed that a blanket piled on the couch seemed to be quivering. The bassist quietly knelt on the floor and drew the soft material back, revealing the blue-eyed guitarist underneath. Mana glared tiredly, his eyes framed by smeared and tear-streaked black make-up, and attempted to cover himself back up. Yu~ki let him yank the dark blanket over him again, walking out of the room to fetch Kozi from the bedroom.
“I found him. We can come back and pack his things in a moment,” Yu~ki said with a hint of worry in his voice, pulling the dress Kozi was folding out of his hands and letting it fall onto the slightly rumpled bed, “I think first we should talk to him.” The went back to the living room, not even noticing the soft clicking noises caused by the shoes they had forgotten to take off at the door.
Kozi’s breath caught in his throat when he saw the few items arranged on the low table. The small stack of light blue paper was unwritten on but the thin silver knife set next to it clearly showed what Mana had intended to do. Soft sobbing sounds were echoing through the room, the dark blanket shaking noticeably.
“Oh, Mana,” Kozi whispered, throwing his arms over his friend before joining in on his tears. Yu~ki gathered up the knife and paper while Kozi cried with Mana, knowing quite well that he had to try and keep a level head. He hurried off to the kitchen to set the items down, looking around the darkened room. The deep blood red roses Gackt had given Mana a month before sat dead on the table in their crystal vase, the crisp petals scattered across the polished surface like macabre tears from a fallen angel.
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through
“What do you want, Kozi?” Mana asked weakly, rubbing at his eyes with a small hand when his friend threw the coverlet onto the floor. His lips were visibly dry and his eyes bloodshot. The other guitarist pushed a lock of Mana’s dark hair behind his ear and pulled him up into a sitting position. The doll like man put up no resistance, only sighing softly when he saw his knife was missing from the table.
“Yu~ki and I came to get you,” Kozi chirped, trying to sound cheerful for Mana’s sake, “We’re hoping that you’ll come and stay with us, at least for a couple weeks. You know, so we can spend a bit more time with each other and maybe even work on some new songs.” He hugged Mana, nearly crushing the other musician.
“Why should we work on new songs? We don’t have a vocalist to sing them and that’s rather important,” Mana said blankly, staring at the floor with his glazed over azure eyes, “We don’t have a drummer, either.” He dabbed a corner of his blanket at his eyes, seemingly trying to preserve the smeared black make-up that made him look very dead.
“Well, we can use different drummers. Kami can’t ever be replaced, so they won’t be in the band. And as for a vocalist, we could easily find someone,” Kozi said hopefully, fighting down the urge to say something vicious about Gackt, “Once you feel up to it, Yu~ki, you, and I will have to look around. Maybe we should ask for some recommendations from friends.” He smoothed down Mana’s blue-black hair, pushing the messed-up strands back into some semblance of their normal perfection. The black nightgown Mana was dressed in was rumpled and wrinkled from the now aborted effort to try to sleep.
“I suppose so,” Mana whispered, letting himself fall over to rest his head on Kozi’s shoulder. He closed his blackened eyelids over the shimmering blue of his irises, taking deep and slow breaths in an attempt to keep from crying again. After a few minutes had passed, Yu~ki walked back in and sat down on Mana’s other side. He had brought with him a bowl of warm slightly soapy water and a pair of fluffy pure white washcloths. He handed one to Kozi and they gently proceeded to remove the tears and smudged make-up from Mana’s pale face.
Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
“What are you going to want to bring?” Yu~ki asked, staring incredulously at the sheer volume of clothing articles possessed by his lovely friend, “Simpler outfits or do you want things more suited to your normal tastes?” Mana, who had just gotten out of the shower ten minutes beforehand and was dressed in a crisp pale blue dress, looked up at the bassist. Kozi stood behind his chair and ran a comb as gently as was possible through the long locks before they dried; he chose to ignore Yu~ki for the time being.
“Normal things,” Mana said in a wispy voice, only half aware of his surroundings, “Whatever you think is appropriate.” He didn’t even notice that Kozi had accidentally pulled a small pile of hair out of his head and the other guitarist found his lack of pain comforting; he hadn’t meant to tug that hard on the tiny little knot. Yu~ki nodded at Mana, even though he knew he probably wouldn’t even pay attention to him, and proceeded to select clothes from the closet.
“Are you hungry or thirsty at all?” Kozi questioned sweetly, tying a tight bow around the shiny midnight blue ponytail that he had just pulled Mana’s hair into, “I can make you a quick snack if you’d like.” He walked around to stand in front of his friend, desperate to meet those lifeless azure eyes with his own gaze. Kozi snatched up one of Mana’s hands from his lap and clung to it. The blue-haired guitarist seemed to be looking towards Kozi, but he didn’t let their eyes meet. The frozen blue stare remained fixed on the silver frame that held a small portrait of the band, the way it used to be.
“No,” Mana said simply, folding his hand back into place after he pulled it loose from Kozi’s grip, “I’m fine.” The red-eyed guitarist sighed and got up to help Yu~ki finish packing some of Mana’s things. They both kept glancing continuously over towards their almost silent friend, wondering if he hadn’t already snapped. The two musicians fought down their separate but similar thoughts and hurried through their tasks.
“We’re ready to leave,” Kozi explained, helping Mana with his shoes, “Is there any specific item that we may have forgotten that you want to bring with you? Maybe one of your dolls or a book? Anything that will help you relax?” Instinctively, Mana stood up when his shoes were buckled on properly and grabbed his black coat off of the bed where it had been draped. He slid into the coat and did up the buttons in an almost innate fashion before he responded.
“My bear,” Mana stated, his eyes flickering slightly when he picked up the small white stuffed bear from its spot on top of the blue bedspread. He glanced around the room with his glazed stare and followed Yu~ki out into the hallway. Kozi smiled sadly to himself as he shut the bedroom door; that little stuffed toy had gotten more of an emotional reaction out of Mana than he did while desperately trying. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind, hoping to ask his friend about the bear at a better time.
Your days, you say they're way too long
And your nights, you can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for
But you don't want to no more
You're not sure what you're looking for
But you don't want to no more
Mana was staring at the dark ceiling, lying perfectly still in the guest bedroom Yu~ki and Kozi had put him in. He had heard them talking quietly about him earlier but was now sure they were both asleep. His small hands were folded over the top of the bedspread and the little bear was held tightly under one of his arms.
The guitarist fought back the urge to start crying again, his mind wandering through the haze of his confused and saddened thoughts. His head turned to the side so he could see the clock; not for the numbers it radiated out into the darkness, those didn’t matter the least bit to him at that point, but just to see the constant and steady light it gave off. Even the constancy of the cold, harsh, non-natural light was a small comfort to Mana. He needed reassurance that life was going on around him and that the world continued without falter.
After a few more moments had passed in the crisp green glow of the clock, Mana forced himself to sit up. He crawled to the edge of the bed and flicked on the lights, wincing sharply as his blue eyes were quickly and painfully forced to adjust. Only a quick glance around the small room was needed to show Mana that all the objects that he could have hurt himself with had been removed. Not that he blamed Yu~ki and Kozi for doing that; it was just their way of trying to protect him from his own raw emotions.
With a deep sigh he turned the lights off and fell back against his pillow. He pulled the heavily layered blankets up to his chin, trying to fight off the sudden chill that had attacked him, and clung tightly to the small bear now clasped in his hands. He tossed and turned for a good long while, finally ending up with his face half buried in his pillow to silence his soft cries. Whimpering quietly, Mana drifted off into a fitful and teary sleep for a few brief hours.
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through
“You need to eat,” Yu~ki said worriedly, watching Mana push his food around on the plate, “I don’t think you’ve eaten for a while. At least not for the two days you’ve been here with us. Just have a few bites, if only to make Kozi and I feel better.” Kozi glared at his love for pressuring Mana like that, sighing when he realized that was probably going to be the only method that would work at this point.
“I’m not really hungry, though,” Mana protested softly as he picked up a small clump of noodles with his chopsticks. He chewed his food slowly as he ate the little bit that had been served onto his plate, obviously not happy that he had been conned into eating. The other guitarist pushed a glass of ice water towards Mana when he finished eating, somehow knowing that his friend wanted to wash the taste of the food out of his mouth.
“Don’t you feel better now that you have a little something in your stomach?” Yu~ki asked gently, patting the blue-haired guitarist’s hand when he set down the chopsticks. Mana nodded slowly, as if he really wasn’t quite sure how he felt but still wanted to make the other two happy.
“Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” Kozi chirped, trying to change the subject before Yu~ki started to pester Mana about his current eating habits again. Both guitarists knew that Yu~ki meant well; he just pushed a bit too much when he began to truly worry about the health of his pretty friend. Mana looked up from the cold glass in his hands, blue eyes meeting red.
“What?” Mana questioned simply, praying that Kozi didn’t start asking questions that would push the burning emotions back through the wounds that had finally began to heal.
“I don’t think it’s anything really important,” Kozi said quickly, noticing the uncomfortable look that flashed across Mana’s delicate visage, “I just want to know about that little bear you have. It’s so cute but I haven’t ever seen one like it.” Mana relaxed noticeably and an almost imperceptible smile graced his pale lips when Kozi spoke. He folded his small hands on the table top, lacing his slender fingers together.
“That makes perfect sense, seeing as that little bear was a childhood toy of mine. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember and probably longer than that. I asked my mother when she got it for me, but she couldn’t recall either,” Mana explained in tone of voice that was lighter than either of his friends had heard in weeks, his sapphire eyes regaining a bit of a glow as he spoke, “My bear has always been a comfort to me and, as I grew older, I knew that I couldn’t ever force myself to part with it.” Yu~ki and Kozi exchanged a quick look; one so fast that it seemed Mana didn’t even notice it.
“You should tell us more about your childhood, if you don’t mind,” Kozi suggested, smiling brightly, “I think it would be interesting to hear more about it.” Yu~ki nodded his agreement, also smiling at Mana. The guitarist looked at both of his band mates and then slowly began to tell them his fondest memories of growing up.
Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching it's not over
Hold on
“Are you sure you feel well enough to do this?” Kozi asked worriedly, sitting outside the bathroom door where Mana was putting the finishing touches on his hair and clothes, “We can wait for a while. You know, at least a few more days, maybe a week.” He heard the other guitarist sigh before the door opened slightly and a head of perfect midnight blue ringlets popped out.
“I’m fine. I think a little outing back into the real world will be good for me. Stop worrying, Kozi; if I didn’t feel better, I wouldn’t push myself,” Mana explained quickly before shutting the door to finish with his tasks. Yu~ki, whom neither of the guitarists had noticed standing in the nearest shadowed corner of the hallway, laughed at Kozi’s slightly stunned look. The bassist sat down on the floor next to Kozi, patting his shoulder gently a few times before nearly crushing him in a quick hug.
“Your little Mana is growing up, Kozi,” Yu~ki teased, smiling when the other musician glared, “He’s been here for two weeks and he’s almost back to his normal self. We both knew that he’d get better and that was our goal, if you remember. You’re acting like a worried mother who won’t let her children play outside for fear they’ll get hurt.”
“I just want to keep him safe and happy, so I know he won’t suffer again,” Kozi muttered, mostly to himself, and crossed his arms defensively, “And I am not acting like a worried mother.” Yu~ki nodded in a pacifying way, the small smirk that danced on his lips was almost unreadable. Mana walked out of the bathroom and looked down at his friends, his blue eyes lighted with amusement.
“You do know that I can hear through that door, don’t you?” Mana asked rhetorically, watching as the two other men scrambled to their feet, “Let’s go.” The trio set out into the night, running into many friends and acquaintances on the way to their destination. One of the friends they met had a bit of information for them, hoping that it would help in their search for a new vocalist.
“I’m really not sure if you guys are already looking around for another vocalist, but I have one in mind that would probably fit nicely into Malice Mizer,” the man said, pulling out a small slip of paper and hurriedly scrawling across it, “Klaha, that’s his name, is great. I’ve seen him on stage a couple of times and he’s very talented. I wrote down his name and a phone number where he can be reached if you want to give him a shot.” He handed the paper over to Mana, who briefly scanned it before he slid it into his small purse.
“Thank you,” Mana said politely, smiling slightly, “We’ll have to discuss this amongst ourselves, but we probably will end up giving him a call. Thank you again for the suggestion.” The man smiled and hurried off to catch back up with his group, who were waiting for him at the next street corner.
“We didn’t even have to ask for a suggestion and we got one. Maybe that’s a sign,” Kozi said brightly, happy because Mana was in better spirits than he had been in for a while, “I think we should give this Klaha guy a call, even just to meet him.” Mana and Yu~ki immediately nodded their agreement. Each of the three musicians wondered how well Klaha would work with them, even if a friend of theirs did personally recommend him for them. With their heads full of thoughts and half-formed images of the potential vocalist, they continued along toward their destination.
What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...what are you waiting for?
“He’s almost late,” Mana muttered, glancing up at the large black clock mounted on the wall of their practicing room, “Not quite, but almost. He still has five more minutes to get here and then he’ll be late.” The guitarist sighed softly and began to toy with the lace hem of his dark blue dress, very clearly unsettled about having to meet someone for the first time and then having to test his vocal range to see if he had a chance in the band.
“Calm down, Mana, this place is slightly difficult to get to if you haven’t been led here before,” Kozi said calmingly, knowing how difficult it was for Mana to have to choose someone to take over the position in the band that had once been held by the man he loved, “Don’t you remember how you got lost when Yu~ki first found this place for us?” Just as the blue-haired man was opening his mouth to respond so he could defend himself, the door to room swung open to reveal a rather tall man who looked slightly nervous and very winded.
“I was afraid that I wasn’t going to get here on time,” Klaha said with a definite touch of pure relief in his voice, pushing his jet-black hair out of his eyes as he realized he should introduce himself to be polite, “Of course you know who I am, since you called me to set this up, but I’ll introduce myself anyway. My name is Klaha and I hope that you’ll really consider me when you choose your next vocalist.” He bowed, his gray eyes watching their reactions as he stared through the dark strands of hair that fell over his face.
“Sing this,” Mana said simply and in a slightly terse manner, handing over a sheet of paper printed with lyrics and the notes it was to be sung in, “And this one after.” The guitarist handed Klaha another paper and leaned back in his chair. Klaha looked around for a few seconds before he realized that he wasn’t going to get any musical accompaniment at that point. He quickly glanced over the papers and carefully sang everything as best as he could at the spur of the moment, recognizing the songs after a few moments.
The three other musicians looked around at each other and hurried into a tightly closed knot so they could speak in relative privacy. They were all surprised at how well his voice fit the two songs they had given him, each song from the far ends of their style. It only took a few minutes before they returned to their own chairs and resumed the task of putting Klaha into a slightly uncomfortable spotlight.
“We think you’ll be perfect with us,” Yu~ki stated, smiling at the new vocalist, “We’ll have to start practicing soon, so we can write songs for you, but you’re in.” Klaha grinned cheerfully, his smile only faltering vaguely when he noticed that the lovely guitarist with the midnight-blue hair looked oddly sad. He didn’t let it put him out of his happy spot because he knew it hadn’t been that long since Gackt had left.
“I won’t let you down, I promise. I’ll do my best all the time,” Klaha said enthusiastically, feeling rather pleased at how easily they decided to let him join the band.
“We know you won’t let us down. If you do, we’ll have to kill you though,” Kozi said in a mock-serious voice, smirking when he saw Klaha look around nervously, “It’s just the way we do things around here.” Yu~ki laughed loudly when he noticed that Klaha was actually trying to figure out whether or not to take the red-eyed guitarist seriously.
Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching it's not over
“Mana, can we talk for a few minutes?” Klaha asked softly after practice, wanting to speak to Mana privately. The guitarist glanced over at his two friends waiting for him and then turned his sapphire eyes back to the vocalist.
“If you’ll walk me home,” Mana said after a moment passed, knowing that it would be getting dark any minute, and waited to speak again until after Klaha nodded his agreement, “Yu~ki, Kozi, I’m going to stay and talk to Klaha for a little bit. He said that he would make sure that nothing bad happens to me on the way home so you two can go on ahead without me.” The other guitarist and the bassist smiled as they walked out of the room, hurrying along so they didn’t spend too much time out in the darkness. Mana watched them leave, waving one of his small gloved hands at them.
“What do you want to talk about?” Mana asked quickly, settling himself down onto a chair, “If it’s about the style of music, you knew what it would be like before you even joined the band. If it’s the clothes, I suppose I could make a few changes to adapt them more to your taste.” He was going to continue on with his list of possible problems but Klaha put up a hand to make him stop speaking, wanting to silence the guitarist before he began to assume the worst.
“It’s nothing like that. I just want to get to know you better. I eventually want to be friends with you, if you’ll let me,” Klaha said hopefully, smiling softly when Mana blinked in a slightly stunned manner, “If I’m overstepping my boundaries, I apologize.” His smile faded away when the guitarist didn’t say something after a few seconds passed. He just sat there, toying with the ends of his black-blue hair absentmindedly and looking half-dazed with his azure eyes glazed over vaguely.
“Oh, Klaha, I’m sorry,” Mana said suddenly, almost as if he had noticed the vocalist standing in front of him and watching him nervously, “You just caught me off guard. I think it would be very nice if we could get to know each other better.” He gestured for Klaha to sit down in the chair across from him and laced his gloved fingers together while he waited for the vocalist to situate himself.
Their conversation began with Klaha tentatively asking innocently common questions, desperately not wanting to offend the frail-looking man he was talking to. Mana, however, quickly warmed up a bit and began to offer more personal information about himself. The pair grew immersed in the discussion, neither of them noticing how rapidly that the hours were speeding by.
Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know
Hold on
“Mana, where are you going?” Klaha questioned, running over to catch the guitarist who was walking in the opposite direction, “You live over that way.” He pointed down the road, trying to figure out where Mana had been heading. Klaha knew he hadn’t been the one going the wrong way; he had carefully memorized the path over the two weeks he had been walking the guitarist home.
“No, Yu~ki and Kozi live that way. I was just staying with them for a while,” Mana explained carefully, not adding any details because Klaha already knew what had happened before he joined the band, “I think it’s time I go back to my own home, I’ll call them later to tell them. Let’s continue on, shall we?” The vocalist nodded, brushing strands of fluffy black hair off of his face as he fell into step beside Mana. A couple moments of a comfortable silence passed as they walked through the crush of people crowding the sidewalks.
“I don’t really want to question your judgment or anything,” Klaha began cautiously, wringing his hands together, “But I know that you’ve suffered a lot recently. Are you absolutely sure you’re ready to be alone again?” Mana smiled, pleased that Klaha cared enough to worry about him.
“No, not really,” Mana said simply, startling the vocalist noticeably, “I’m not sure if I’m ready, but I never will be if I don’t force myself. If I keep depending on Yu~ki, Kozi, and you to protect me from the world, I’ll just suffer even more in the long run. This way is best. And if worst comes to worst, I can call somebody to come over and stay with me for a little while. I know Yu~ki and Kozi wouldn’t mind; would you?” Klaha, despite his best effort not to take it the wrong way, blushed a very pale pink; he couldn’t help it though, because Mana kept batting his long eyelashes and playing with the hem of his skirt as he waited for an answer.
“I’d feel honored, if you asked,” Klaha responded honestly, following Mana into an apartment building and over to a row of elevators, “I can’t believe you’d even think that I’d be offended.” He memorized the button Mana pushed, in case he ever had to find his way back by himself, and took note of the exact apartment number. Klaha had a good deal of time to commit the number to memory as he waited for the guitarist to dig through his purse and find the keys.
“Welcome to my home,” Mana chirped, flicking on a series of lights, “Would you like to wait in the living room while I make some tea or would you prefer to wait in the kitchen?” Klaha didn’t have time to say anything but only hurried after Mana into the kitchen, blinking at the sight of the long dead roses set in the middle of the table.
Mana gingerly picked up the crystal vase from where it had sat since the roses were freshly cut and dumped the flowers out into the empty trashcan. He swept all the fallen petals into his palm, tossing those as well. The guitarist was just about to close the lid when he paused and pulled out a single flower, setting it gently back onto the table.
“Who were those from?” Klaha asked innocently, staring with his gray eyes at the crisp blood red rose laying on the tabletop.
“Somebody I loved very much,” Mana said enigmatically, his small smile hinted with sadness and regret as he too stared at the flower, “I still care very much about that somebody, but I think I’ve found someone else who will matter even more to me in the near future.” With that said, Mana ran his fingertips over the rose once and set about making tea.
Finish
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