(I borrowed the title of my column from the recent Dictators’ release)
We live in trying times cretins. Not only is there a severe shortage of adrenaline-fuelled, fuck you raunch; there’s also a bunch of corporate, dick-scarfin’ pukes more than willing to tell y’all that Limp Bizkit is the shit. Unfortunately, too many of you actually listen to them. So let’s set the record straight, shall we?
Up until a year or so ago, I was ready to give up on any hope of popular culture ever returning to high water marks such as the Velvet Underground, Dead Boys, Suicide, Electric Eels or Blue Cheer. There seemed to be nothing but an endless glut of E-zoned raver kids, frat boy nu-metallers, and best of all, the teen-pop shitheads. Then, as though it were a gift from the Dark Gods (Godz?), I discovered black metal.
Aye thou dost not knoweth how badly thine Pope was in need of such enlightenment! The motherfucker in me was ready to cash in his chips. Condemned to the throes of crotchety old-manhood; forever muttering to passers by, “Do you remember Stiv Bators?”, as bile dried to my chin. Thankfully, it was not to be (yet).
What did I just hear? Was that a collective sigh of disapproval from all of you smack-shootin’, tattooed, greasy-haired urban hepcats? Black metal offends your shit-as-art aesthetic? Wouldn’t sit very well beside your Strokes album? Goddamn right! Not only that, but in the middle of the night when you’ve nodded off in a Jagermeister stupor, the black metal records would kick the shit out of your entire collection. Burn, motherfucker burn! Guess what? The afore-mentioned, poorly-constructed fantasy could very well be the best thing to happen to you. Drop your pretences and FUCKING ROCK.
Black metal has come a long way from its humble origins in the inept hands of bands like Venom, not that Venom wasn’t great; it’s just that they always came off as a bit of a comedy act—Spinal Tap incarnate. Nuthin’ wrong with that of course. Hell, I’d probably appreciate those thieving swine Led Zeppelin more if they’d ever written anything as gloriously stoopid as “Big Bottom” (or ‘7 Gates of Hell’ for that matter). However, they made the genre difficult to take seriously. I’ve gotta say that I do however, fondly remember the likes of Mercyful Fate, Celtic Frost and Bathory. I actually put my Hanoi Rocks and Sex Pistols albums away to listen to “Don’t Break The Oath”, “To Mega Therion” and “Under The Sign” once in a while. These three opuses probably are the most responsible for the black metal of today (in my uneducated opinion).
Now, rapidly approaching the mediocrity of my mid-thirties, my hip quotient reduced to zero, I for some reason find tranquility in BM. The same way I did with Motorhead, Black Flag and the Stooges in my mid-teens. I’m also exhibiting all of the clichéd signs of a mid-life crisis—finding solace in my past (I actually enjoy hearing new wave songs on the radio), dressing as though I were ten years younger and best of all, my co-conspirator on this website and full-time ladylove is fourteen years younger than I am. Mediocrity has its benefits after all. It’s baffling to me how all of a sudden I’m beginning to appreciate louder, faster and heavier music. Shouldn’t I be chillin’ to the more sophisticated sounds of “adult-alterative”, or “sadcore” or perhaps the latest sluice of swill by Creed or their thousands of soundalike, Pearl Jam-derived, hippy mopeheads? The All Music Guide must have invented some style or genre that is better suited to eulogize my declining years….
…To 1987 AD, somewhere in the wilds of Norway, a bunch ‘o zit farmers were building fires in the woods, roasting goat-dogs (or whatever the frankfurter equivalent in Norway is), blastin’ the Fate on the boombox and pondering their meaningless existence whilst trying to make some sense of the “Necronimicon”:
Blackmetallerinwaiting # 1: “I’ve been chanting this mantra for hours, am I a werewolf yet?”
BMIW # 2: “I’m tellin’ ya Vorg, a bat’s ear is no substitute for a lizard tongue. Ya shoulda waited. You’re offending Satan! Besides, I gotta go puke up this yak liver, it’s giving me the spins.”
BMIW # 3: “Would you guys shut up? I’m tryin’ to channel my demon keeper!”
BMIW #4: “Fuck you guys. I’m going home to torture my mother’s cat and mebbe puncture my brother’s soccer ball.”
BMIW #1: “Hey dude, can we smash the shit out of his drum kit too?”
And thus, Scandinavian black metal was born. Churches were burned, brains were eaten and people were murdered for wearing white. Emperor and Mayhem were the debauched heroes of the scene. And, like all great rock ‘n’ roll bands, they raised enough hell to merit death, chaos and destruction wherever they went. They also made some great (grate?) records. Christ, Emperor even had a bassist called Mortiis who ended up looking like this:
DEATH TO FALSE METAL!!!!!
Ah, the wages of sin…..
And now cats ‘n’ kitties, I’ll give y’all a rundown of some of my fave BM releases of recent (somewhat) vintage….. |
