| Eighteen Tips For Success In Life |
| 1. Always take the fortune out of the fortune cookie first |
| 2. When jumping out of a hot tub doing a snow angel in the snow, always remember that when you are about pass out, that is the time to get back up |
| 3. Never pet a burning dog |
| 4. Never download any music by a band called "Anal Blast" |
| 5. Never store your visine and super glue in the same drawer |
| 6. Everybody has issues, when you go out with someone, you go out with their issues |
| 7. Don't take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night |
| 8. Don't leave your lunch near a hobo |
| 9. If you ever fall off The Sears Tower, just go limp. That way you'll look like a dummy and maybe people will catch you, because hey... free dummy! |
| 10. Kids in the backseat can cause accidents but accidents in the backseat can cause kids |
| 11. Never take a long walk off a short pier |
| 12. Never eat yellow snow |
| 13. Never date a man who has a baseball bat in his trunk and he doesn't play the game |
| 14. Just because the statues are naked, doesn't mean you can be too |
| 15. Before you get in the shower, make sure your clothes are OFF |
| 16. If someone is talking about their religious beliefs, they generally don't want to hear yours |
| 16. Don't play with hand grenades |
| 17. The Judge frowns upon pantless defendants |
| 18. Seagulls like what your eating, don't fight it... they bite! |