| The Good Guys | The Bad Guys | Miscellaneous Extras |
|---|---|---|
| Ottis The Aardvark Gorden T Goffer edd the duck Sootie Sweep Sue Ken Barbie Action Man Dipsy Earthworm Jim |
Po Tinky Winky La La POB Danger Mouse Penfold Inspector Gadget Skelator Yako Wako Dot |
Narr A, pref male (left channel) Narr B, pref female (or vice versa) (right channel) Narr C V.O Director Air Stewardesses Pissed Student Physics Lecturer Army General |
Outline:
The Teletubbies are threatening the sanity of the world (ah ah ah.. evil laugh, ed). There is a battle over time, space and the other one to stop them.
Pastel Black Stones on the Dawn of Time
Scene 1 Teletubbies ending their show.
V.O. (Director): Thats a rap
TINKY WINKY:(whilst blowing a balloon up suggestively) Fuck this for a game of soldiers
LA LA: What are we doing tonight, Tinky Winky?
TINKY WINKY: The same we do every night Laa Laa, Taking over the world (evil laugh)
PO:(still standing at the front of the stage) Bye Bye
DIPSY: Hows our subliminal Messages going? Are they working?
PO:(still standing at the front of the stage) Bye Bye
TINKY WINKY: We have the entrire population of under fives under our command. Oh yes and the uni students as well. (as an afterthought)
PO: Bye Bye
TINKY WINKY, DIPSY and LA LA realise PO's still acting (or is he) and drag him off stage (he is still saying BYE BYE every few seconds)
Scene 2.000000000001 Narr A: And so it beganNarr B: What did?
Narr A: The Story
Narr B: What story
Narr A: This one
Narr B: Oh? So why are you talking like that?
Narr A: I'm a narrator, why else?
Narr B: Right, well just keep taking the pills.
Narr C: Meanwhile, in Barbie's room, Roehyde Hall....
Barbie's room is a chair with 3 walls of cardboard just big enough to sit in (There are three of these rooms) Barbie in the middle, with Ken and Action Man on either side.
Barbie:(knocks on Ken's wall) Are you in, Ken?
Ken : No, I'm out
Barbie: Ok, I'll try later
Barbie sits for a few seconds and then tries again
Barbie: (knocks on ken's wall) Are you in, Ken?
Ken: Yes, wadya want honey
Barbie: Ooooh, that would be telling. Do you want to go and chat in the kitchen
Ken: Yeah sure, I will knock for Action Man
They walk out of there chair sized rooms and Ken knocks on Action Man's door. He joins them and they all walk down and a new spotlight lights up a three chair sized cardboard room + 1 sink
Action Man: No one plays with our toys any more, I'm getting pissed off, these Teletubbies are really getting a hold on the uni students (double take)...Err, under fives.
Barbie: Whats the difference.
Ken: Height I think
Barbie: I hear that Channel Five has bought the rights to the Teletubbbies to improve their viewing figures.
Action Man: Lets see what they are like on 5, I'll turn on the TV
Barbie: What, transvesite?
He leans over to a box, and switches it on. A bright light flickers inside with a loud fuzzing sound over the speakers.
Barbie: Are they playing in the snow?
Action man switches the TV off.
Ken: Lets go down the font
Lights dim, they stand step forward 1 space and colored spots re-light them. Dodgy stiff dancing follows (barbie girl music). Pissed person staggers in, and off. He returns with a glass piss colored liquid. He re-zips his flies.
Barbie: Any one else want a beer.
Drunk walks off, Lights dim. normal lights retrun they are re-seated in the kitchen
Narr A: Didn't you see that music coming
Barbie: That was fun(!) Only cost me 5 quid entrance and 10 pound per drink.
Lights dim again.
Scene 3 Narr A: In the teletubies evil Layer
Narr B, Whats in there
Narr A: This part of the play
An A0 flip chart closed with blank sheet on front. TINKY WINKY is standing wearing a Generals hat. In front of him sits the other three Teletubbies.
TINKY WINKY Lets sign that Channel Five contract
walks over flips chart to read
CHANNEL 5 CONTRACT
TINKY WINKY (BOX)
LA LA (BOX)
PO (BOX)Tinky winky puts a big tick in his box.
Narr A: TINKY WINKY ticks his box
LA LA stands up ticks his box and sits up
Narr A: LA LA stands and ticks his box
PO stands up ticks his box and sits up
Narr A PO stands and ticks his box
DIPSY stands, walks over
DIPSY: Uh Oh
*SFX: Shotgun*
DIPSY falls over
Narr B: Shall we see that again children
All three teletubbies: (clapping hands.)Again Again
DIPSY stands and repeats the previous bit
TINKY WINKY (evil laughing) well he was the ugliest. Now, lets go over our plan to rule the world
Narr B: TINKY WINKY flips over.
TINKY WINKY does a back/front flip (dependant on finding an actor who can do this)
Narr B Then he turns to the next page on the flip book
"PLAN TO RULE THE WORLD" he flips to next page
"Stage 1: TAKE OVER THE UNDER FIVES AND STUDENTS" LA LA and PO read out loud
TINKY WINKY: COMPLETE
he flips to next page
"Stage 2: SHAG BARBIE" LA LA and PO read out loud
They all giggle TINKY WINKY: Been there,
LA LA Done that,
PO Shot the narrator for commentating the orgasm
Dispsy (sits up briefly) I prefered Ken
Remaining Teletubbies's: Thats why you've been killed off
TINKY WINKY flips to next page
"Stage 3: TAKE OVER THE WORLD" TINKY WINKY gets a pointer and reads each word out hitting the board with the pointer between each word
lights dim. Bloke in army uniform comes in
Narr A: Who's that? I can't find him in the script
Narr B: That's just General Evil Laughing
Scene 4 Narr A: And so in Barbie's and Sooty's physics class
Narr B: What are you doing to get all the decent lines?
Narr A: I only missed getting a major acting part because of one minor detail
Narr B: Yes, you have no body
Narr A: I thought with this new wave of political correctness that wouldn't matter.
Narr A and B faded down arguing
Narr C: Whilst these two are aguing, we'll continue the story.
Bloke at front of class chatting shit on physics. The blackboard is fulled with loads of physics crap. Barbie is sitting with glasses, and an overcoat (pens in pocket.) Sitting next to her is a yellow teddybear.
Barbie: This lecture is really hacking me off, it will be over in 5 mins. Do you fancy a quick one?
Sooty: Yes, apart from the fact I have no genitalia.
Barbie: Neither did I until I got hold of a drill
***good vibrations, Beach boys fades on in background *** pause of speaking until music is faded out.
Barbie: I have just the piece of equiptment you need. It should go round your waist.
*sfx bell (end of lesson)* they walk out, lights fade
Scene 5 Lights on, statue of De-haviland guy in middle with a few benches around. Sitting down is: Sue, Sweep, Action man, Ken Sooty and Barbie walk on holding hands and sit.
Action man: Not him as well Barbie? When do I get a go?
Barbie: When you've found a way of removing your plastic pants, big boy.
Ken: I decided to call this meeting to talk about the teletubbies.
Sweep: Squeek squeek squeek
Sue: No Sweep, you're not meant to like their show. They seem to be taking over the television.
Sweep: Squeek?
Sue: Yes really. When was the last time we had our show with our Matthew Corbett puppet?
Sooty:we have been droped by the tv bosses because we are out of date (as he says "out of date" he makes the quote marks with his hands)
Ken: Right we have got to sort something out. We will call in the expert. I will call Otis, Otis the Aardvark. With his hitmen Edd the Duck and Gorden T Gopher, we will rise against this threat and show our strength as a team. We will wipe out the opposition and rid the world of their crappy TV program.
ARE YOU ALL BEHIND ME? Sue, No, we are sitting around in a little circle.
Seen 6 Narr A: Seen 6,
Narr B: seen six what?
Narr A: Ottis the Aardvark's luxury london apartment
Narr B: no he only had one appartment
Ottis the aardvark laid out relaxed
*SFX: Telephone ringing*
Ottis: (posh voice) hello, Ottis the Aardvark's luxury london apartment, Ottis speaking...Oh ken lovie...yes...no...my god...what me...no...but ken darling, whats my motivation...right oh! Ken I'll be there tata
(ottis speaking to his watch)Edd, Gorden got a job. Meet me in my office in 10*Pause SFX:Knock knock*
Otis: Come in
Edd the Duck and Gorden T come in.
Edd+gorden hiya boss
Otis That was a quick 10 seconds
Edd We where pretty near when you called
Gorden Yes, we where waiting just behind that curtain, for your cue.
Otis Weve been called in by an old mate of mine. We are needed to do a job
Edd BLOW, dammit, I wanted to watch TV tonight.
Otis I'm afraid if we don't do this (goes into trance) Blow... eh... oh Job done there will be no TV forever.
Gorden But, but thats terrible (over acting)
Otis: Yes like your acting, That's why we have do this. Childrens TV Actors are GO, F.A.U.D.I.T.P
Gorden FAUDITP.?
Otis: Fight And Unfortunatly Die in the process
Scene 7 Narr A: Is this play still funny?
Narr B: I don't know, I don't much care, the audience has already paid
Narr A: In the Teletubbbies slighty untidy layer
Tinky Winky: Watch who you call untidy, I'll come backstage and kick your butt
Narr B: you could if he had a body.
Narr A: Shut up about my body alright.
Tinky Winky: right, word on the street is Ottis has been called in against us. We have to strike now and get rid of them. heres what we will do...
SFX: Dirty Dozen or some other suitable music
We will out number the good guys by 10 to 1, no 20 to 1. We will have a complete armament of huge guns. The good guys will have no weapons. Then the good guys will kill most of the stand in actors. The main characters will be amongst the last to die, I will be left last and will be killed after a long fight scene with Ottis.
SFX: music stops abruptly
La, La Wispers to TINKY WINKY
TINKY WINKY, oh damn, thats the cliche film script. ...we will meet them at 7pm, just before Teletubbies toast and bed time.
Scene 8 Otis: (Posh voice ala ace rimmer) Hello, ken old chum, pleased to meet you again. Hows the old waterworks.
Ken: Ah... well... yes...
Otis: Anyway I've brought two chums with me, Ken, Barbie the devine, and Old Action himself. Meet Gorden T and Edd T. No relation.
(shake hands)
Gorden T: So dudes, whats the score. (A bit 80's)
Otis: (apologetically) sorry he's been out of the spotlight for a while, he's not quite with it.
Barbie: Well the evil Teletubbies have been taking over the Teleworld, we are here, an army of inadequates, against a force of indiscribable power, that we...
Ken: can you eloborate on this indescribable power.
Barbie: (annoyed look to ken) ... that we, the good (looks at otis), the bad (looks at Edd T) and the ugly (looks at ken) will defeat in battle.
All: (Turn to audience), "WE NEED YOU" (points finger to audience, except Action Man who points to wings, then freeze ala police squad ending. Tech bod comes in with inflatable sheep and places in front of them(+ sfx)
Unfreeze, look strangly at sheep. wonder where it comes fromAction: (to audience, patronising) Ok kiddies, when nasty Tinky Winky comes on will you boo him for me. (audience response) Pleeeezzee (if audience is unresponsive swear at them)
Scene 9 TINKY WINKY and Otis walk in front of curtains from opposite wings, glaring at each other. Curtains begin to open, they each walk to their respective armies.
TW's army is lined up in evil layer. Ottis Army lined up in good side. As TINKY WINKY or Otis walk down the length of their troops, the narr (a or b) gives name and special skills. Good guys have sash with "GOOD GUY" on, bad guys have "BAD GUY" (lights only on the appropriate army and as each special skill is announced actor does action)
Narr A: Well this is it, yep the finale, the end, the finish, the penultimate scene. ON THE LEFT, we have the bad guys, lead by the great, the incredible, please put your hands together, for the amazing Tinky Winky. (ala having an orgasm)
1)Po, special skills. riding a scooter, hand to hand combat
2)La La Favourite object: big yellow Ball
3)Danger Mouse: Special skills. Amazing puppet
4)Penfold: he's got x-ray vision, not bad for a blind mole
5)Inspector Gadget: special skills gadgets
v.o. I'll get you next time gadget... oh sorry wrong cartoon.
6)POB can stretch his ears and spit
7)Skelator. Very camp 8-10)And Dot's Cute, Yako yaks, Wako, packs away those snacks
Narr B: Paahhhh, is that it, look at the good guys army. Lead by the brave, the handsome Ottis The Aarvark.
Ottis: Cheers for that old bean
1)Gorden T Goffer, special skills impressionist extrodinare
2)Edd the duck likes knitting spaghetti
3)Sooty has a magic wand
4)Sweep likes sticking his hand up mathew corbett
5)Sue god, what a sexy panda
6)Earthworm Jim a super suit did fall
7)Ken, special skills, chatting barbie up
8)Barbie, the rumour about the drill is true
9)Action Man, well, he's got plastic pants
10) He's back, he's mean, he's green. (full leathers) ...and no it's not Kermit. Its everyones favourite dead Teletubbie, IIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTssssssssss, Dipsy
Scene 10 Curtains closed
Narr A: The fight scene
Narr B: Warning, Warning, Warning, This scene is stupid, I have read the script. People who lack of sence of humour please leave by the appropriate exits.
Air Hostess Stewardesses walk in and stand in central aisle of audience and do the appropriate actions
You will find exits at the rear of the building and to the sides.
In case of aspihixiation due to laughter, gas masks will not appear.
Please ensure your luggage is stored under your seats
In case of boredom, please stop reading the in flight magazine
. Please fasten your flys and enjoy the rest of the show
V.O. from behind curtain. Ow, argh (fight noises continuing)
Pairs of people come infront of stage fighting. do a bit of silly fighting and then walk off again fighting. (in between front of curtain fights, the fight noises change from: "OW Argh"
to
"Oh Arr"cornish accent
and backfrom: "Oh Ow"
to orgasm
and backfrom "Doh" to
"Do, ray me far...."from "Eh E Ah E"
to a monkeyetc etc.
Narr A: That was the silliest fight scene I have ever seen.
Narr B: I did warn you
Scene 11 Narr A: Well, this is it the final scene
Narr B: I thought the last one was the final scene
Narr A: I got it wrong, OKAY.
Narr B: Prat
V.O. "The battle of good and evil lasted several days, then it was over, and only two remained standing, the Evil Lord Winky, and the honerable Aardvark, known to others as Otis. Silently they surveyed the carnage, and thought of the many who had given their lives, and wives, in the hope of greater gory, er, no I mean glory, but At the end the can be only one.(ala highlander)"
TINKY WINKY and Otis walk towards each other as if to fight.
Director: Cut! (walks on) Otis, lovie darling that was great, but Tinky Winky, well what can I say, you're fired. That was appauling. (TINKY WINKY walks off, dejectedly) Now Otis I want to talk to you about your fee, for this little... production... we are going to have to re-negotiate, ie you are having to take a pay cut.
Otis: What!!!! You want the star of TV to have a pay cut, are you mad man? Thats it. I quit. (walks out)
*SFX: Music to the INCREDIBLE HULK, ending * V.O. And so Otis lives to die again, some other day, when his pay slip is better. But childrens TV will never be quite the same again.