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Takes oath of office. Hears a gun go off and uses his bare hands to stop a speeding bullet from reaching outgoing President George W. Bush. Points out the would-be assassin to Secret Service from a distance of 500 yards. Then, before Secret Service arrests the guy, takes the guy aside, shows him the bullet and says, “Next time, you’re gonna see it bounce off my chest.”

4:45 a.m.
Leaves for an “international business trip.”

11:30 a.m.
Drags Osama Bin Laden out of an Afghanistan cave, flies him to the palace of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. Dangles the frightened Bin Laden from the Obama Chopper while yelling to Kim, “One more outburst and
this'll be you!”

4:00 p.m.
Hosts a “surprise summit” in Jerusalem with Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal, Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. Makes clear before closing the door, “Peace will prevail, or heads will roll.” Leaves the room two hours later to announce Mideast peace, and publicly shoot hoops with all three nervously smiling leaders.

8:15 p.m.
Walks in on daughters Sasha and Malia and wife Michelle, apologizes for being late for dinner. “Where were you?” asks Malia. “Saving the world, honey,” he smiles. “Just saving the world.”

Checks in on Osama Bin Laden while visiting International Criminal Court at the Hague. Drops off shackled private citizens George W. Bush, Richard Cheney, Condoleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Scooter Libby and Karl Rove for their upcoming war crimes trial. Hears Cheney yell, “you’ll never send us to jail, mother****er!”

Digs a pit in front of the court, pours in gasoline, lights a match, picks up Cheney with one hand, suspends him over the flames. Announces to everyone, “The United States does not torture. Got it?” Throws half-charred Cheney to the side as guards take the prisoners away.

Wins the Nobel Peace Prize, plus Nobel Prizes in Economics, Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, Literature, and last night’s Powerball Jackpot of $300 Million. Takes the winnings in cash, buys supplies to make 100,000 care packages. Lands that afternoon in Darfur, personally delivers each package to starving families. Waves off TV crews. “Don’t you have reality shows to run?” he grins.

Welcomes Sean Hannnity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter and the entire Ku Klux Klan to an exclusive televised White House Press Conference. Walks to a TV screen, plays back every nasty comment they’ve ever said about him. Stops the DVD, walks in front of the group. “Now,
you wanna say all that to my face?”

Entire group bursts into flames. Remaining rats flee into the White House incinerator.

Flies to New Orleans during Hurricane Connie. Tells chilly Mississippi flood waters to “Back off.” Flood waters, sensing he means business, completely reverse course. Hurricane disappears. Al Gore shakes Obama's hand, praising his strong leadership on the environment. “No time for that now, Mr. Vice President.” Proceeds to build 150 new homes in the French Quarter. Then, as the winds pick up and dark rain clouds reappear that evening, looks up at the sky and says, “Did I stutter?!?” Skies clear.

Suddenly finds terrorist snakes on O-Force One at 10,000 feet, stares down each one and goes Medieval on their asses. When reached for comment, Secretary of Homeland Security Samuel L Jackson says “Daaaamn!”

Looks out on the White House lawn, sees Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed and Zeus extending
a joint offer to join them in eternal glory. “I’m flattered,” he says, “but my work here is not finished. We’ll talk in a hundred years." Shakes their hands and fist-bumps them goodbye.

Calls joint session of Congress, tells them “I don’t think so.” Spends next two hours detailing his original plan, which balances the federal budget to the penny. Closes his speech with “Look. Do it.”

Budget passes entire Congress 534 to 1 in the fastest approval ever on record. Lone dissenter Senator Joe Lieberman is immediately forced to resign.