MY ADOPTION STORY
AS AN
ADOPTEE
Thanks for visiting my adoption page. My story is not one that has a happily everafter reunion, but it is not a sad story either.  I am hoping that maybe it will touch someone who was feeling alone when they entered my page, or maybe help someone that is considering adoption or has already adopted.  I am all for adoption and it takes a lot of love and courage to give a child up and to adopt.
I was born on October 15th, 1965 in California. From what I understand my adoption was what is now considered an open adoption. My birth mother, Sandie was young, wild, and already had a 10 month old daughter when she conceived me by a different father. She knew my adopted parents from her sister dating my nephew (by adoption). My parents also helped care for her daughter. Previous to her conceiving me, my parents had been trying to adopt for quite awhile, but was having a hard time because of their age. My mother was 56 at the time and my father was 49. The adoption preceedings started while Sandie was pregnant with me and I was brought home from the hospital when I was 3 days old by 2 very loving and giving parents.

When did I find out I was adopted? That is one of the questions I have been asked all my life. I was never told, I just always knew. I remeber when I was younger my dad telling me how special I was because they got to pick me.

I did not know while I was growing up that my birth mother was a friend of the family or that they kept in touch. I used to ask my parents about her and they would tell me she was somebody that loved me very much.  On my 12th birthday my parents told me that a friend of the family was coming to my birthday and had a daughter a little older than me. That is when I met Sandie and my older sister Lynette. They brought me all kinds of gifts and stayed the weekend and all I knew of them was they were friends of the family.

Did I want to search for my birth mother? That is another of those many questions I was asked a lot. Yes, I always wondered what did she look like, do I look like her, and many more. Even as I went into my teenage years I never dwelled on searching for my birth parents. I was happy and figured one day I would know and be able to get answers to my many questions I had.

When I was 15 there was a situation to where I started putting the pieces together and started wondering if these "friends of the family" was actually my family. I started digging out pictures my parents had from years before and looking for resemblances. I took pictures to schoool and asked friends if they saw any. Everyone had the same opinion, we had the same eyes and nose. I never confronted my parents over this, because I did not want to hurt them in any way and I was still happy being who I was and where I was.

When I was 16 my mom came to me and told me she had something to tell me. She told me Sandie, (I knew right then) just found out she had uterine cancer and in case anything happended I should know. Before my mom finished I told her I already knew Sandie is my birth mom and Lynette is my sister. Her jaw hit the floor and I explained it too her.

Life went on as normal and Sandie recovered just fine. Lynette was graduating that year and my parents and Sandie decided to send us to Hawaii to get to know each other for her graduation present. They lived about 100 miles from where I was and the weekend before the Monday we were leaving for Hawaii my Dad drove me to their house and dropped me off. All 3 of us spent the weekend talking, shopping, and taking me to meet family. Everything went great and I had all of my questions answered. I also found out that weekend that I had a younger sister that is about 3 years younger than me, Dee Dee. Sandie got into some legal trouble when Dee Dee was about 3 or 4 and was sent off. Lynettes dad's family cared for her but would not care for Dee Dee (we all have different fathers). Dee Dee was made ward of the court and given up for adoption. Come to find out later my parents tried to step in and also adopt Dee Dee, but it was too late.

For along time after that we kept in touch. I would spend the weekends with them and there were many calls and letters. 

When I was 17 we moved to Oklahoma and still stayed in touch. If I did not hear from one I would hear from the other. 

A few years after our move, Sandie also moved to Oklahoma about 300 miles from where we were. I made a few trips to see her and then we kind of drifted apart. I would contact both Sandie in Okla, and Lynette in Calif, but they would never contact me. It got to where about once a year I would some how make contact, we would talk, and that would be it. When I would ask them about it both of their answers were the same, not good at writing letters or keeping in touch. " It runs in the family" is what they would say.

In 1994 my mother was dying of cancer, (my dad had passed away in 1983) and I called Sandie to tell her what was going on and that my mom only had a few days to live. We talked and cried together and then she told me, "tell Granny thank you for raising you". She then told me that I have to understand the guilt she feels for ever giving me up. That it eats her up inside. I told her not too feel bad, that I had a good life with my parents and she did the right thing. She said that I just didn't understand. I told her if nothing else I wanted her friendship and to spend time together. That was the last I ever talked to her.  I have attempted several times to get in touch with them. Sandie does not reply back. As for Lynette, well, when I call she talks but it is just not the same. I remarried 3 years ago and sent Sandie an invitation. I vowed if I did not hear back from here that I would not try contacting her. I did not hear back from here and I have not tried contacting here.

I still do not understand and have mixed feelings over the situation. There are times I feel that not only was I given up once, but twice. She always said that she did not want to get in my parents way or make them feel threatended. They are no longer on this earth, so that doesn't apply any more.

I still have not attempted to locate my birth father, if he is even still  alive I don't know.

As for my little sister, she searched for and found Sandie and Lynette when she was 15. I met her in person one time and spoke with her on the phone once a few years back. She has a lot of issues she's working out and I look for her to contact me again when she is ready.

I love and thank "all" of my parents for the life and love I was given. I hold no resentment towards anyone.

To Sandie, thank you for giving me life. To my parents, I thank them for helping me live my life.
     MY VIEWS ON ADOPTION
Like I said in the beginning, it takes a lot of love and courage for birth parents to give up a child, and for adoptive parents to adopt.

Adoption is a wonderful choice we have. There are so many couples and want to be single parents out there with so much love to give.

If you are a birth mother that has given up a child, just remember that you did it out of love to give the child a better life. There is know need to feel guilt, chances are the child was raised well by loving parents.

If you are an adoptive parent the best thing you can do for your child (from my experience), is to be open and honest about there adoption. It is so much easier to cope with. 

If you are adopted, please try not to feel any resentment. Just remember, they all did it out of love. If you locate your birth parents and they are not ready to meet. Don't take it personally. They may have a lot of feelings and issues to work out for themselves.
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***UPDATE***
AS OF
12/20/01
On the morning of Dec.4th at 7:30, as I was getting ready for work my phone rang. I answered it with hesitation assuming it was work with a change in my schedule. It was Sandy, my natural mother. I have not spoke to her in 7 1/2 years. We talked for about 15 minutes. She asked how the kids were, how I was, if I was married. I did not say much, I think I was in shock. I told her I had to go so I could get to work. Well, needless to say I was a mess all day long. I was late to work because it took awhile to dry my eyes and pull myself together, and then I could not concentrate for anything. I have spoke to her twice since then. She has called all 3 times. I have mixed feelings and feel like I am being set up for a fall again. The issues I have have not yet been brought up, and I feel as if she has danced around my feelings. I am going to give it a little bit of time before I confront her with any of my feelings and see how it goes.
***UPDATE***
AS OF
11/6/02
It has been almost a year since Sandie first contacted me. We now keep in constant contact either by phone or email. I am still leary, but find myself letting her get closer each day. She even remembered my birthday this year. She sent me a 5x7 framed picture that she had of my mom (adopted),  myself when I was about 1 year old  and my sister at 18 months old.I still have not heard from my sister. She mentioned not to long ago that when she talked to her that she was happy we were back in touch. We still have a ways to, but we have come along way in the past year.