Lance tried to cover his ears from the screaming match between JC and Bobbi in the hotel room next door. He was rooming with JC first until Bobbi came on the NSA tour with them in. Then Lance decided to room with Joey and Chris was rooming with Justin. The trio was out clubbing while he had opted to stay. He wanted to finish some work with FreeLance. He heard the door slam shut, rattling the walls. Lance counted to twenty before there was a knock on the door. [On time as usual.] He got up from his bed and opened the door to reveal an upset JC. These talking, or rather ranting, sessions were getting more and more frequent. JC entered the hotel room and lay down on Joey's bed that was near the balcony. " I'm sorry but I broke up with Bobbi again. So I guess I'm sleeping with you guys tonight or until we make up again." JC stated simply. " You want to talk about it?" "It's always the same……" Lance gazed at JC while he ranted about how Bobbi couldn't understand him. Lance fought to pay attention to his words instead of trying to describe JC's unique blue colored eyes. Lance had tried many times when he was bored to come up with terms to describe the color of his eyes. It ranged from cobalt blue to light grayish blue. Right now, it was a dark stormy blue. [ Hmm……I wonder if it actually can turn gray.] "Huh? Lance, are you listening to me? What can turn gray?" JC questioned Lance who blinked blankly before realizing that he had said that last thought aloud. "Uh……nothing. You were saying about how……um……not understanding she was." Lance prompted. " She has no idea……" As JC continued on, Lance had to suppress a smile as he thought about the irony of the whole situation. The guy he was in love with was talking to him about the girl he supposedly loved. It was a shock to him when he found out and finally admitted to himself. He loved JC. Lance could still remember that day so very clearly. It was permanently imprinted in his mind. That day had been a week before they were going to embark on their first ever concert tour. He had been so homesick and worried that he had screwed up their dance practice. The dance instructor had told him to give it up and sneered at him for daring to think he could make it as a band member. JC had been the one who chased him after Lance had ran out of the dance studio in tears. JC had been the one who refused to give him his suitcase to start packing to go home. JC was the one who lent him a shoulder to cry on. JC was the one who told him to believe in himself and to believe that he could reach for the stars if he wanted to. It had meant a lot to him that JC had so much faith in him. But what really would remain in his memory forever was when Lance finally lifted his head up to look at JC. His beautiful grayish-blue eyes twinkling back at his own green ones captivated Lance. He knew that JC was a gorgeous man. He acknowledged the fact but never really thought about it. It came rushing back at him all at once. Then, JC had attempted to cheer Lance up. " You know, I'm not going to let you go unless you smile. Come on, Lance. Smile? For me? " It was lame, but Lance had given him a small smile simply because he asked for one. It was then, when Lance realized that he loved JC. Had loved him from the moment he set eyes on him. It was funny how Lance tried to deny and thought up of excuses about it at first. Stuff like he was feeling lonely and vulnerable and JC was there at the right place at the right time. It only served to make him more confused. In the end, Lance gave up fighting against it. He knew that his religion condemned it. But Lance was no longer the young child who blindly followed something. He could think and interpret what his religion was all about. He adapted the good parts and re-interpreted others. Lance slowly came to terms with his religious-self. Then JC had found Bobbi. Lance was upset at first, indulging in a brief fling with another girl, Danielle. He convinced himself that his feeling for JC was just a phase. He broke up with her when he realized that it was never a phase; could never be a phase. This was as real as it could get. "Lance? I think you should go back to your work. I'm sorry for dumping all my problems on you. It's sort of funny but Bobbi is jealous of the time I spend talking to you than to her. She thinks it's lucky that you're a guy if not she would be worried about us having a relationship. " JC's voice broke through his recollections. "That's…um…interesting. We are……friends, like brothers. You can always come to me. At least yours are valid problems. You should hear about what Justin's problems are. It's always about his hair." Lance tried to crack a small joke to cheer JC up. The brunette gave a watery smile before getting up. "I think I'll go take a bath." JC made his way to the bathroom while Lance sighed at the hopelessness of the situation. ********************************** JC lay in the bathtub full of hot water. It was nice to soak in a tub of hot water to relax. JC was grateful to Lance's willingness to listen to his problems. Lance understood, unlike Bobbi. Lance knew what it was like to be unable to have as much time as normal people; he knew. It was really nice to have someone like Lance to talk to. JC missed rooming with Lance. Although Justin was his best friend, he could be so inattentive and naïve about the ways of life and love. There were some things he could not imagine telling the younger man. Yet he could share it with Lance. JC wondered exactly when did Lance became his confidant and he wondered about the truth of Bobbi's weird statement. ********************************** A week had gone by. They have already moved to a new concert venue but JC was still rooming with Lance. Joey had decided to get his own room. So did Bobbi. Lance was happy with the rooming arrangement but he wished that JC wouldn't give him mixed signals. It was as though the statement that Bobbi made affected JC more than he liked. JC was actually flirting with him. It was like a dream come true but with a twist at the end. The brunette was doing it to make Bobbi jealous, not because he wanted Lance. He briefly pondered about the reasoning behind JC's actions during the practice before their concert tomorrow night. [ Maybe he has some feelings for me but he's not aware of them. What if he's just leading me on? ] " Hey Scoop. You want to watch a movie with me tonight?" JC suddenly asked Lance during a water break. "Uh……JC, Bobbi's not here so you can stop whatever you are doing." Lance snapped, arousing the attention of Chris and making JC blush. "This is not about her. I'm not using you to make her jealous. I really just want to watch a movie with you." JC sputtered out just as Bobbi entered the practice room, looking for JC. She heard what JC said and glowered at Lance before stomping out of the room. JC stared at Bobbi. Then he excused himself to use the bathroom. Lance stared at the space where JC had left vacant. Chris noted the familiar look of pain in Lance's green eyes. He had always felt that Lance had feelings for JC but this whole week had been really obvious. He decided to confirm his little theory by asking Lance. "He's using you to make her jealous. Why?" "Bobbi's jealous of me and JC has no idea that I love him. Stupid, isn't it?" "Not really. So you're gay?" " I'm not sure. But I do know that I love him." Lance did not look at the older man to judge his reaction. "Then tell him. Look, Lance. I think he can sense how you feel about him and he feels something too. He's not as dense as Joey. That's why he's using you to make her jealous. It's just that he doesn't know yet. Just tell him. Besides, he's not happy with Bobbi." "But……" " Scared? Just write him a letter or something. That's how I told Dani. And no matter what happens, I'm always your friend and bro. Oh man, I'm actually making sense to myself. Must be the sugar getting to me." Chris grinned as Lance looked up at him with a giggle. "Thanks Chris, I'll think about it." Lance gave Chris a half-smile. "Okay guys, break over. Where's Joey, Justin and JC?" Darren, their dance instructor shouted. "I think they bailed." Chris called out which elicited a string of curses from Darren who then gave them the rest of the day off. Lance began to think about what he was going to write in the letter to JC. ********************************** It took him two days to write that letter and mustering all the courage he had to place it on JC's bed. Lance put in his needs, his wants and hopes into the letter for JC. He made so many drafts and threw out so many crushed up balls of paper before he finally wrote the perfect one for him. He put the cherished letter into a plain white envelope and kissed it for good luck. He chuckled at his own silliness. Now all he had to do was to wait until JC came back to read it. JC had been out the whole day according to him " clear his head up ". Bobbi had stopped giving Lance glares. She was ignoring him instead. It was all very weird to Lance but he was too consumed by the worry over his letter to the blue eye man to be concerned about Bobbi. Lance waited and waited. It wasn't until eleven p.m. did JC finally came back with a carefree grin on his face. Lance's heart pounded with anticipation as he entered the room. The green eye man was sort of disappointed that he did not notice the cream envelope lying on the pillow of his bed. "Lance! Guess what? Bobbi and me are back together! We worked out everything today and I told her all about how I feel when she couldn't understand. Now she's willing to try to be more understanding about my career. Isn't this wonderful? In fact, I'm moving to her room now." JC bounced excitedly. Lance mustered up all his self-control to not start crying but to summon a smile for JC. " That's great, JC. I…uh…need the bathroom. Need to shower now. " Just then, JC spotted the envelope with his name painstakingly written on it. It was Lance's handwriting. He was about to reach for it when Lance grabbed it and put it through the paper shredder that he always requested when he was writing contracts for FreeLance. " What was that?" JC questioned Lance. "Nothing. I need to shower now." Lance quickly ran to the bathroom, shut the door and turned on the shower before he started crying. JC stared at the wastepaper basket, which contained the shredded remains of whatever Lance had written to him. On impulse, he took a large paper bag and dumped the long, thin shredded slices of paper into it. He needed to know why Lance destroyed it and what was in it. He quickly packed his stuff in his suitcase. "Lance, I'm leaving now." He called out. There was no acknowledgement from Lance. JC felt a pang of distress at leaving Lance alone but pushed it aside. He loved Bobbi and wanted to be with her, not Lance……right? JC closed the door with a soft click. ********************************** " What is Lance doing in his room?" Chris brought up the question when Justin and Joey joined him in his hotel room for dinner. They' decided to order room service since they didn't really want to leave the hotel in the storm that was raging outside. " I have no idea. He's been feeling down since we've been here. I asked him but he just avoids the question. And JC was having a pretty serious talk with Bobbi when I went to their room to ask him whether he wanted to get dinner with us." Justin answered, a worried look gracing his features. " I'm not surprised. I mean JC's been having a lot of problems with Bobbi. I've heard them arguing almost every night since she joined the tour. Hotel room walls are not that thick. " Joey pointed out. "That explains why JC and Lance are so broody for the past week. Scoop usually goes to JC about stuff like this but now JC's having problems of his own, he can’t talk to him." Justin came to the conclusion. " I dunno. Lance has been writing a lot though." Joey said. " The hotel room is usually covered with balls of paper when I wake up in the morning. Yo, Justin ya wanna switch rooms with me? Then you can wake up with a mountain of paper balls in your hair." " No, Justin my love. You cannot do that. You cannot leave me alone with the evil man! I want to be with you!" Chris cried in mock horror, tugging at Justin who scowled just as someone knocked on the door. Joey scrambled up from the floor and opened the door. JC walked into the Chris' room, looking haggard but with a sparkle in his eyes that had been missing ever since Bobbi came on tour. He cleared his throat before announcing in a soft voice. " Guys, I broke up with Bobbi." "Again." Joey muttered, earning a nudge from Justin. "No, not ' again'. No more 'again'. This time, it's permanent. She just left. Where's Lance?" JC finally realized the absence of the familiar pair of green eyes. "He's probably asleep in our hotel room." Joey replied. " Be careful of the mountains of paper ball on the floor." He warned JC who's blue eye came alive when he heard that. " I'm going to tell him about it." JC turned to leave when Chris stopped him with a question. "JC? How do you feel now?" "Now?" JC paused momentarily, deep in thought. Then a brilliant grin, free from burdens, appeared on his face. " Ready to embark on a new chapter of my life." Chris gave JC a knowing look. JC was somewhat unsettled but grinned and closed the door behind him. " What was that all about?" Justin wondered aloud. " You'll know soon enough, Curly. So what's on the dinner menu? I'm starving." Chris started looking through the menu, while Joey and Justin shrugged. ********************************* Lance was hiding in his room. He wanted to be left alone. He was still trying to recover from the pain of not being loved by JC. Chris had tried to console him, Justin had tried to cheer him up. Even Joey who was messy and untidy, made an effort to keep the hotel room clean. Yet the one person who could stop the pain was avoiding him. Then, there was a knock on the door. " Go away, Justin. I'm not hungry." "I'm not Justin." JC's voice answered. " Lance, it's me. Open up. I have something I want to tell you." Lance did not answer. " Listen, Lance. I'm sorry for avoiding you for the past week. It's just that I needed time to sort out some issues I had with Bobbi and about myself. Scoop? I've broken up with her. For good. I don’t love her anymore. Are you going to open the door?" There was a soft creak as the hotel room door opened to reveal a swollen-eyed Lance. JC felt pain at being the cause of his sadness and pain. He was determined to not let this happen again. "Lance, I want you to listen to this." He gingerly took out a piece of paper out of his pocket. It was taped together, one long thin piece to another. Lance's eyes widened as he recognized the piece of paper. It was the letter he had shredded up. The letter that represented his love for Josh. How did he get it? Why did he paste it back? JC began reading in a soft, loving tone. " Dear Josh, This is a letter from me to you. I have something I want you to know. I love you. Shocking, isn't it? I know that it can never happen between the two of us. Yet I can’t help but wish and hope. Sometimes I even delude myself into thinking that the smile you give me every morning meant more than one from a friend but that of a lover. She does not understand the way you work. I do. I understand that you don’t want to be interrupted when you are working on a song. I understand the need for perfection in the production of the songs. I understand why you want everything to be perfect. I understand the drive to achieve what you want in life. I see the way she shuts you out when you need someone the most. I see the way she refuses to listen to your explanations as to why the recording sessions keep you in the studios the whole day. I see the way she drags you out to clubs even though you are ready to fall asleep on your feet. I see the way she expects you to give yet does not give anything back to you. Many times I have seen you hurt, seen you upset. It makes me feel the pain too. I feel the pain you go through and I wish I can take it away. I want you to be happy. At first I wanted you to be happy with her. It doesn't matter what I feel as long as you are happy, loved and cherished. Then I saw that she was giving you pain and not the love you deserve. I wanted her to go away. I wanted you to be happy again. And I wanted to be the one to love you, to cherish you and to make you happy. I want to see you give me that loving look you give her. I want to feel like I am the only one for you. I want to touch you so badly. I want to know how those lips of yours taste like. I want to feel your warm body huddled up against me when you sleep at night. I want to run my fingers through your hair whenever l need to and not just in a friendly gesture of brotherhood or friendship. I want to know what makes you tick. I want to know all your fears, hopes and dreams. I need your supportive words when I am weak. I need you to comfort me when I am sad. I need you to give me that encouraging look whenever I embark on something new. I need you to look at me the way you look at her. I need you. I crave for your love like no other. Most of all, I want you to be happy. I want to be the one to make your blue eyes twinkle with laughter. The question here is do you want me to make you happy. Do you want me as much as I want you, need you? Do you love me the way I love you, Josh? You don’t have to answer me now. Take as long as you want. When you know you love me, just kiss me and I’ll know in my heart that you love me. I'll wait for you. Love, Lance. " JC finished reading the letter aloud. He gazed at Lance with tears in his grayish-blue eyes. Bringing his hand up to cup Lance's cheek, he slowly leaned in and kissed him. It was soft yet insistent. A kiss that Lance had been dreaming of. JC pulled away slowly, took the young man in his arms and whispered in his ear. " I love you, Lance." |
A Letter from Me to You |