PGuilt

An open book.

Joey was one of the most open person he had ever known. One could read him like an open book. Even when he tried to mask his feelings with a happy front, one only needed to look into his mocha-colored eyes to know his moods.

In fact, Joey often reminded Justin of the play by Shakespeare, " Macbeth". He remembered that there was this one scene when Lady Macbeth was trying to persuade Macbeth to kill the king, She had said that his face was like an open book where men may read strange tales. Well, Joey may not be plotting to kill anyone but there was one thing that Justin had always been acutely aware of. His crush on Lance.

Knowledge about a secret longing.

It was all over his body language, his words and most of all, the expression in his eyes whenever he looked at the dark blond. It was eerie to see both JC and Joey look at Lance the same way.

That same loving gaze that nobody else saw.

Justin knew deep down that both JC and Joey carried a torch for Lance. He knew that Lance only saw Joey as a friend. He could however, see the looks from JC returned by Lance. It wasn't as though Justin felt uncomfortable about JC, Joey and Lance's little love triangle. It was just different and he didn't want to take sides.

Rooting for the underdog.

But Justin had loyalties to JC. They had been the best of friends ever since MMC days. He was the first person he thought of when he and Chris wanted to form a band. JC was the one whom Justin looked up to as a role model. JC was more than a friend to him. They were brothers.

Yet, whenever he saw Joey looking at Lance who was oblivious to everyone but JC, he couldn't help but feel guilty for not telling him to give up when he found out how deep JC and Lance were already in their relationship. Perhaps he could have spared him the pain.

A scene right out of the movies.

That was how Justin felt when he stumbled upon JC and Lance making out in a secluded corner backstage at one of their concert venues after their concert. He had volunteered to look for JC and Lance who had mysteriously disappeared.

Now, as he watched in shock as JC pinned Lance to the wall and kissing him passionately, Justin desperately wished that Chris had gone instead. When he backed out quietly, he also thanked whoever was up there that Joey had been too wiped out after the concert to move.

It all comes back to you in the end.

Justin could only be a silent observer as he watched Joey try to butt into JC and Lance whenever he could for the next two weeks. He could only winced every time Joey sat between the couple deliberately during interviews, during photo shoots. He could only feel the pain every time Joey watched Lance and JC flirted in front of him.

Yet he never told Joey anything. It was for a purely selfish reason. Justin did not want to be embroiled in the whole sticky situation. Justin could only wish that Joey would reach enlightenment before anything worse happened. Now he wished that he had said something, anything then.

And the pain begins for his friend.

Joey had been smiling to himself for a few days. Chris had asked Joey why he was in such a happy mood. Joey had glanced discreetly at Lance, smiling that secretive smile but refusing to tell Chris and Justin anything.

"Just wait and see, Justin." Joey had said, with a devilish smile and a twinkle in his mocha-colored eyes.

Then, Justin found out from JC that Joey had asked Lance out for dinner in his hotel room that same evening by pure accident. Chris was out with his girlfriend then. So an upset JC had dinner with him.

"Justin, do you know that I'm jealous of Joey?" JC had said after dinner in JC's hotel room which he was sharing with Lance. Justin shook his head, not sure where the conversation was going.

The guilt begins.

"Let me tell you a secret. Lance and I are gay and we've been going out for two months. We're in love with each other." JC smiled like only a man could when he was totally, head-over-heels in love with someone. It was then that Justin realized that he should have talked to Joey about the whole thing.

Lance suddenly burst through the door in near tears. Without another word, he went straight to JC and hugged him tight. "Joey told me he loves me." was all Justin heard before JC pushed Justin out of his room and shut the door.

He was there when JC and Lance announced their status as a couple. He saw the betrayal in Joey's eyes. He saw and felt the pain visible in his brown eyes. He could feel the pain in Joey's heart at the happy couple when he left without a word. Most of all, Justin could feel the guilt in his heart for not saying anything.

For the next few days, Justin watched with a sinking heart as Lance pretended that everything was fine between him and Joey. Justin watched as JC gave Joey glares and made barbs at him. He watched as Joey distanced himself with the world, from them. He watched as the cheerful man he knew became a bitter man.

Justin knew he had to act when he saw Joey sitting in the tour bus alone. Justin realized that he could no longer read anything in his brown eyes. His emotional brown eyes were closed. Joey was no longer an open book.

Justin did the one thing he could do as he looked at the dirty-looking bear sitting in his bunk mattress.

Making up for the guilt.

"Hey, Joey." Justin pulled aside the curtain separating their bunks on the tour bus from the outside world.

"Can't a guy get some damn privacy here?" Joey snapped. Justin felt a stab of pain and guilt go straight to his heart.

"I…I just wanted to give you this. It's what I bring to bed when I feel upset or lonely. I think you need it more than me. So there. It's…it's clean. I washed it and hung it out to dry yesterday. You bumped into it too. I'll leave you alone now." The curly hair boy dropped a goofy-looking brown bear with curly fur in the older man's lap.

He looked into those mocha-brown eyes and for a moment, he could see a flicker of emotion besides pain. Justin smiled, his heart lighter before pulling the curtain back. "Thanks." Justin heard Joey call out in a much happier voice,

Justin knew that it was only a small step but he was going to help Joey get better. Then perhaps he could get rid of the guilt he felt.