Rating: G...for extreme goofiness
Pairings: ...uh...I don't know yet...we'll see how the story develops
Acknowledgements: I don't own 'em. They were never mine to begin with. All the
honors go to Sotsu Agency, Sunrise, Bandai, et al. However...that isn't going to stop me
from tinkering with their destinies slightly...even if they'll never forgive me for doing so.
Ach, I'm evil! ^_^
It all started on a fairly innocuous day in mid-May. The five pilots were all seated in the den, trying to agree on a television program to watch.
Wufei wanted to watch a Bruce Lee flick.
Trowa wanted to watch the Cirque du Soleil airing.
Quatre had been hoping to catch the National Geographic special on Saudi Arabia.
Duo insisted on cartoons.
Heero had given up on what he wanted to watch a long time ago, and had contented himself with trying to wrestle the remote control away from Duo.
"But Heero!" Duo yelled, "it's Bugs Bunny! How can you not like Bugs Bunny?"
"Duo, be a man! Cartoons are for children!" Wufei grunted.
"Oh, yeah? I wouldn't talk, Mr. Kyyyaaaahh!" Duo made a parody of karate moves to emphasize his point. Wufei lunged at him.
Quatre buried his face in his hands. "Refresh my memory. Why don't we have more than one television set?" he asked Trowa.
Trowa shrugged.
The doorbell rang.
"I'll get it!" crowed Duo, and jumped up. Wufei and Heero both toppled to the floor.
Zechs and Treize stood outside. A van was parked at the end of the walkway.
"Uh...hi," said Duo. He stood there for a moment, perplexed. Then, finally, he asked, "Why are you here?"
"Duo!" shouted Wufei. "Who is it?"
"Couple of OZies," he shot back.
"What?"
"Come see for yourself, man. It's Treize and Zechs." Belatedly, he remembered his manners. "Uh, do you want to come in?" he asked.
Treize smiled slightly and bowed as he walked past Duo. Zechs grunted his thanks and glared at Duo through his mask. Duo waited until Zechs' back was turned, then made a truly hideous face at him.
Duo led Treize and Zechs into the den. The other four pilots watched the two OZ officers, their expressions ranging from curiosity to open hostility. Heero broke the silence.
"Well?" he asked. "I'm sure you have a reason for being here."
Treize inclined his head graciously. "Indeed. You're all to pack your bags. We're taking you on a trip."
Quatre looked surprised. "A trip? As in a vacation?"
Trowa was silent.
Heero glared at Treize and Zechs.
Duo began dancing around the living room. "Woohoo! We're goin' on a road trip, we're goin' on a road trip!"
Wufei crossed his arms and glared. "No!" he glowered. "I'm not going!"
Treize regarded him with an air of amusement. "And why, my good friend, would you not want to join us? I assure you, my associates and myself have worked very hard to plan an entertaining itinerary, one that should encompass all of your interests." His gaze shifted to the other four pilots.
Quatre tried to be diplomatic. "Where are we going?"
Treize turned his attentions to the youth. "I am afraid I cannot tell you that now," he said. "It will be revealed to you in time."
Quatre blinked, surprised. Duo was still dancing. Heero and Wufei both folded their arms across their chests and glowered. Trowa was silent.
"Do you really expect us to go along with this, when you won't even tell us where we're going?" asked Wufei tersely.
"Actually, yes," said Treize. "We did not anticipate there being such a resistance. I assure you, this is a pleasure trip. No business, and if we wanted to assassinate you five, we would not build so elaborate a ruse to do so."
Wufei and Heero still did not look convinced.
Duo looked at the others. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm going," he said. He darted upstairs, taking the steps two at a time, to pack his suitcase.
Quatre shrugged. "What harm could there be? The trip sounds...interesting, at least." He, too, turned and headed upstairs to pack.
Trowa rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "A change of scenery might be nice...." He followed suit with Quatre and Duo.
That left Heero and Wufei. Heero glared at Treize and Zechs with distrust, and said nothing. The clock in the hallway ticked. No one said anything.
Treize sighed. "Though I can certainly understand your hesitation, I simply do not see why you cannot trust us. Once again, I assure you, this is not an underhanded plan to destroy you Gundam pilots."
Heero raised one eyebrow and grunted noncommittally, but had obviously made a decision. He turned slowly toward the stairs, and headed up to his room.
Wufei glared at Heero's retreating form balefully. Treize cleared his throat. Wufei whirled and glared at him with pure malice.
"If you are going to make the trip miserable for the rest of us, by all means, I will not force you to come with us," said Treize, obviously distressed.
Zechs had a different approach. "Hmm. I think he's scared," he said, a note of malice in his voice. Wufei glared at him in rage.
"Scared? Scared? Chang Wufei fears no one!" With that he whirled around, and stomped up the stairs.
"Nicely done, Zechs," Treize said quietly.
"My pleasure, sir."
A few hours later, the van was packed, and everyone was ready to go. Quatre was chattering into a cellphone, giving Rashid instructions for the Maguanacs, who had agreed to keep an eye on the house and the Gundams for the boys while they were gone. Trowa had gotten in touch with Catherine, who gladly agreed to come in and water the plants while they were away.
A seating arrangement had been worked out, the luggage had been secured, and Treize hopped gracefully into the driver's seat. But Zechs did not assume the co-pilot position.
Duo eyed Zechs with curiosity. "Why aren't you riding shotgun?"
"Because we have to pick up a few more people," Treize answered for Zechs.
"A few...more people?" asked Quatre.
Treize answered by pulling up to another house. A small group of people were waiting outside. Lady Une opened the passenger's side door and turned her head slightly to regard the other passengers. "That took slightly longer than expected, sir," she commented to Treize.
"A minor setback, Lady," Treize responded smoothly. "Are the others ready?"
"Yes, Mister Treize."
Everyone climbed out of the van as the luggage was re-organized to make room for the new arrivals. When all was ready, Noin, Relena, and Dorothy had been added to the group.
Relena sat down next to Heero. Duo smirked. Heero glared at Duo.
Noin sat next to Zechs. Zechs tried to pretend not to notice.
Dorothy sat down in between Quatre and Trowa. Quatre tried to pretend he didn't mind. He looked slightly nervous. Trowa regarded Dorothy with a mixture of curiosity and suspicion.
Wufei glared at anyone lucky enough to catch his eye.
Treize glanced in the rear-view mirror, a pleased expression on his face. "If we are all ready..." There was no dissent from the other passengerrs. "Then let us proceed." H put the van into gear, and pulled smoothly away from the curb. The road trip had begun.
At first, things were relatively peaceful in the van.
Heero balanced a disc-man on his knee, earphones securely in place, and read a book on war history.
Relena worked on a crossword puzzle, occasionally conversing quietly with Dorothy.
Wufei was sleeping, his head resting on the seat behind him, snoring quietly.
Noin was knitting. Zechs was trying to watch her while pretending not to be interested.
Quiet conversation came from the front seat, where Treize and Une were discussing the itinerary.
Duo was happily punching away at his Game Boy.
Trowa and Quatre watched the scenery whip past, and tried to play a road game.
"I spy with my little eye..." began Quatre. He glanced around the van. "...something that starts with the letter 's'..."
"Steering wheel," commented Trowa immediately.
Quatre nodded.
Duo looked up suddenly, and glanced around. "I know what it is," he said, his voice quiet. He gestured to Wufei. "Sitting duck."
Quatre's eyes grew wide. "No, Duo, don't..." he whispered. "He'll get mad!"
Duo smirked. "I know!" He turned and kneeled on the seat, and pulled a pencil out of his braid.
Trowa shook his head.
Duo proceeded to lean across the seat, and attempt to poke at Wufei's nose with the pencil.
Wufei snorted, and brushed absently at his nose, but did not wake up.
Duo poked harder.
Wufei murmured in protest, but still did not wake up.
Duo chortled with glee, and attempted to shove the pencil up Wufei's nose.
At this point in time, Treize noticed what Duo was doing.
"Mr. Maxwell!" he said, loudly enough so that Wufei woke up.
Wufei started violently at the sight of Duo, who was still draped across the seat. Duo jumped, and quickly righted himself, trying to appear the picture of innocence.
Wufei responded by grabbing Duo's braid and yanking his head down.
"What were you doing just now, Maxwell?" he hissed.
"OW! HEY!!! Let go! I wasn't doing nothin'!" Duo flailed his arms wildly, trying to free his braid.
"Like hell you weren't," said Wufei. He glanced at Quatre. "Tell me this idiot wasn't doing anything just now," he seethed.
"I'm staying out of this," said Quatre evenly.
"Fine," snapped Wufei, and pulled Duo's braid harder."
"OWWWW!!
Treize sighed heavily. "Please stop," he said.
Wufei ignored him.
"Come on, Wufei! Let go! I didn't do anything!"
Treize muttered something under his breath. It sounded suspiciously like a curse. Then he raised his voice.
"If you two don't stop right now, I am going to have Duo and Lady Une switch seats," he said, his voice dangerously quiet.
That worked. Wufei released Duo's braid. Duo's head flipped forward, and he snatched his braid out of Wufei's reach. Wufei sat back, arms folded across his chest, grumbling.
Nobody said anything for several minutes. Finally, Quatre spoke up.
"Duo, I told you that if you--"
"Oh, shut up, Quatre."
They reached the night's hotel without further mishap. Still, everyone was anxious to get out of the van by the time they pulled up to the front doors.
Duo plastered his face to the window and stared at the hotel. "Wowww..." he said, awed. "I don't think I've ever stayed anywhere this nice!"
Quatre eyed the hotel approvingly. "I've stayed here before," he commented. "It's a nice place."
Duo glared at Quatre and mumbled something about old money under his breath. Quatre pretended not to hear.
Treize put the van in park, and opened the door. "I'll be right back," he said, and headed for the front desk.
The time was perfect for mischief.
Lady Une turned around and watched the pilots, a no-nonsense expression on her face.
The passengers sat still, angelic expressions on their faces, until Treize returned, carrying an envelope.
"I hope you all don't mind that I've taken the liberty to assign rooms," he said, and pulled a list out of the envelope.
"Quatre, Trowa, and Duo...you will share a room. Heero, Zechs and Wufei...you three will share a room. As for the ladies...Relena and Dorothy, you two will share a room, and Noin and Lady Une will share a room."
"What about you?" asked Duo.
"I will have a separate room. But we will all be on the same floor, and the rooms are grouped together. I trust this is acceptable for everyone?"
Quiet grumblings echoed through the group, but no one spoke up in dissension. Treize nodded. "Good. If there are no objections, I will hand out the keys."
Treize felt quite satisfied and content. The road trip, while not wholly embraced by all of the pilots, was nevertheless progressing relatively smoothly, so far. He settled back into his chair and turned his attentions back to his book.
Out in the hall, the sounds of footsteps ran past his door. Treize thought nothing of it, at first.
The footsteps grew louder, and more insistent. Someone must have brought their children along with them, he mused.
The phone rang.
It was the concierge.
The runner was Duo.
The other guests were complaining.
Just then, something struck the wall of the room next to his with a resounding thump, followed by loud, incoherent voices. Voices that sounded suspiciously like Wufei and Zechs.
Treize sighed. Perhaps he had spoken too soon. It was going to be a long night.
Treize normally considered himself as being a relatively patient person, but everyone reached their limits. And he was almost at his.
Lady Une was positioned outside of Duo's room. Loud complaining could be heard inside. Treize was eternally grateful that Duo only shared a wall with a broom closet and the stairwell.
Une was there for two reasons. The first was to keep Duo in.
He had ran up and down the halls on all the floors, pounding on doors.
He had rode the elevators extensively, then pressed all the buttons before getting off.
He had ordered room service for several of the other guests, much to their surprise. He had called housekeeping numerous times, constantly asking for towels, asking if they had an 'assisted bathing' program, and complaining of an octopus in the toilet.
Once he had even hijacked the cleaning lady's cart, and took it on a several story-wide joyride, until hotel security had caught him cruising through the dining area.
In one night, Duo, working on his own, had caused enough mayhem to make the concierge angry enough to threaten banning Treize and his entourage from the hotel for life, if the youth were not restrained.
The second reason Une was there was to keep the other party members out. Relena and Dorothy had pennied his door, locking him into the room. Of course, it was only fair; he had done the same thing to them. Heero and Wufei had threatened to kill Duo after he had phoned in requests for several X-rated movies to their room. Zechs had also tried to kill him after he discovered Duo had filled Zech's mask with shaving cream while Zechs was in the shower.
Treize sighed in frustration. About the only people who had been behaving were Quatre and Trowa. Even Noin hadn't been immune. Tensions had been rising between her and Lady Une ever since they set their suitcases down in their room, and the catty comments that had been flying back and forth between the two were enough to make Treize seriously wonder if he had done wrong in bringing the girls along.
Treize frowned. Speaking of Trowa and Quatre, where were they? The last he had heard, they were headed for the pool. That had been several hours ago. Certainly they couldn't still be swimming....
Treize was about to head down to the pool area when he heard voices in the hallway. He stepped out of his room in time to see Quatre and Trowa turn the corner and stop outside their door. Quatre was carrying several shopping bags.
Treize tried very hard not to lose his temper. "Where have you two been?" he asked coolly.
Quatre looked up, surprised. "We decided to step out and do some shopping, sir," he said, sounding confused. "I guess I didn't think it would be a problem."
"And did you not think to tell anyone where you were going before you left?"
"I...." Quatre's voice trailed off.
"We knew where we were," said Trowa quietly.
Treize shook his head.
Quatre peered at Lady Une. "Is there a problem with our room?" he asked, confused.
"Sort of," said Treize with a sigh. "Duo has been...less than tractable this evening."
"Ah," said Trowa. "Makes sense, knowing Duo."
A muffled voice sounded through the door. "I heard that!" Duo yelled, outraged. "C'mon! Let me out! This isn't fair!"
"Mr. Maxwell, you have proved to us that you cannot be trusted to run free through the building," said Treize, loudly enough so Duo could hear him. He turned to Quatre and Trowa. "The concierge has been very gracious, considering the situation, and has allowed us to stay for the night. You have no idea how close you have brought us to the point of sleeping in the van."
He looked at Quatre and Trowa. "However, since you two have returned, perhaps you could keep an eye on him so that Lady Une can get some rest."
"Of course," said Quatre. "We'd be glad to keep an eye on him."
Lady Une saluted, and headed down the hall toward her room.
Quatre unlocked the door. Duo stood back from the egress, a scowl on his face. He saw Treize standing behind him, and shifted his weight back on his heels.
Treize raised one eyebrow. "Attempting to make a break for it, Mr. Maxwell?"
Duo grumbled and stomped back into the room. The door closed behind Trowa.
Treize stood in the empty hallway for a moment. "Please, for the love of God, let them behave for the rest of the night...."
The rest of the night progressed rather smoothly.
Quatre and Trowa saw to it that Duo behaved himself. For the most part, it was not too difficult. As long as they were there to entertain him, he didn't try to escape.
Noin and Une were too tired to fight. Treize had also pulled a rather confused Lady Une aside, and explained to her that fighting with Noin was not part of his master plan. She had stammered out an apology, and had walked back to her room in a daze. Fortunately, Noin was not the malicious type, and had let the whole matter drop.
Once Duo had calmed down, Dorothy and Relena no longer had a reason to cause mischief.
Wufei and Zechs had gotten their need to fight out of their system early. Heero had patently chosen to ignore both of them.
That accounted for everyone. Treize had seen to it that there would be no more disturbances.
Then why was his telephone ringing?
He glanced at the clock. It read 3:37, the numbers a soft green glow near the phone.
The phone. He picked up the receiver, and hoped that he didn't sound very groggy.
There was no person on the other end. Instead, there was a faint click, and a cheerful recorded voice started speaking.
"Good morning, hotel guest. This is the wake-up call that you requested. The time is now three...thirty...eight...a.m....We hope that you have enjoyed your stay...."
Treize let the phone drop. Faintly, through the walls, he could hear the phones ringing in the other rooms. In fact, if Treize's guess was correct, he knew that every single phone in the hotel was ringing...except for one.
"DUUUOOOOO!!!!"
After that, the entire group helped strap a loudly protesting Duo down to his bed. They figured it was easier that way. Treize knew they could've made him sleep in the van, but after seeing the mischief Duo had managed to get himself into in the hotel, Treize didn't want to see what he was capable of doing to the van.