Relena was sleeping happily when she was awakened when something heavy landed on her chest, her eyes shot open and she found she was face to face with herself.
"Hi Relena! Guess what!"
"You lost your toothbrush?" she asked wrinkling her nose.
"No! Zechs said he was going to ask Noin to marry him TODAY!!"
"What? Oh my gosh are you kidding?!!!"
"Nope I just talked to him he's really nervous though."
"Wow this is great! Wait what about that thing between Noin and Heero?"
"Oh I asked Heero about that last night and he said she said that she wouldn't mention it...after he begged her of course."
Relena giggled, "I would have loved to have seen that!"
"I'm goin' downstairs for breakfast you wanna come?"
"OK if you'll get off my gut."
"Oops sorry!"
Dorothy sat at the dresser brushing her hair when there was a loud knock at the door, she took her time in answering it. She was surprised to see Heero standing outside fully dressed.
"Hi can I help you?"
"Hurry up and get dressed I was just informed that Microft is starting a full scale attack now get ready for some serious action they've got us seriously outnumbered." He said.
"Huh?"
"You heard me now get dressed we're going to need everyone to fight, Trowa and Wufei are already suited up, oh yeah tell Quatre and Hilde to get ready for me they're downstairs eating breakfast."
"WHAT?!!!!!!"
Heero covered his ears at the outburst, "I said tell Hilde and Quatre to suit up what are you deaf?"
"Will we have backup?"
"No there aren't that many suits we should be able to handle it. Why? You too scared to go into battle?"
Dorothy didn't reply to that she simply slammed the door in his face and rushed to get dressed.
Duo was grumbling profanity as Quatre attempted to feed him another spoonful of grits, Hilde and Relena were sitting opposite of the table giggling. Duo attempted to give them the death glare but was distracted by Quatre.
"Come on Dorothy one bite wont hurt."
"No." growled Duo.
"Sweety what's the matter? Is it your cold?"
"No."
"Are you going to say no to everything I ask?"
"Yup."
"Please eat."
"No."
Quatre sighed and put down the spoon, "She's not a morning person." He said to the two across from him.
Suddenly Dorothy slid in with a panicked look on her face, when she saw Quatre she immediately tried to look cool calm and relaxed but it didn't work.
"Uh, Morning everyone." She said.
"Morning Duo!" Quatre beamed.
Dorothy stood at the head of the table, "Quatre, Hilde I have bad news Microft has decided to launch a full scale attack on the Sanc and we have no choice but to fight and we need you two to suit up and get into gear."
The whole table looked shocked, Duo was the first to remember how to speak, "Are you going to fight?" he asked in a worried tone.
"Yes."
Duo cringed, "Well don't mess it up."
"Don't worry Dorothy, Duo can hold his own in battle."
"I wasn't talking about the war I was talking about my Gundam." He grumbled in a voice to low to hear.
Meanwhile Relena was about to pass out again; her fight in a mobile suit, that was a bad idea for so many reasons it wasn't even funny.
"I don't think I can fight because.....I haven't been feeling well lately." Said Relena.
"You too? Dorothy got sick suddenly like that too last night maybe it's some sort of twenty-four hour bug." Said Quatre.
"I doesn't matter if she's sick we need to get moving so let's go NOW!!!" snapped Heero who had just walked in.
Relena stood on shaky legs and walked to the door and Dorothy followed, Hilde and Duo could only watch.
"What the hell are we going to do?" whispered Relena once they were in the hanger and away from eavesdroppers.
"I can pilot a mobile suit but I don't know what you're going to do Miss Relena." Said Dorothy.
"Walk me through it."
"Huh?"
"Just tell me which button does what and I'll be OK."
"It's not that simple..."
"Come on if Duo can learn it why can't I?"
"Alright I'll try but don't expect miracles."
"Duo stop talking and get in the damn suit!!!" shouted Heero.
"Rude little prick." Muttered Dorothy.
Relena walked over to a tall white suit next to Noin's and got in, it took her a moment to figure out how to close to hatch and even longer to work the seatbelt.
Meanwhile...
Dorothy looked over the controls, yup, she could handle this no problem, the design was different but the controls were about the same as any mobile suit just a lot more high tech. She heard a beep and then heard her own voice over the com-link, it was Duo.
"Hiya, look I know you know about the basic controls but there are a few things you should know about. One to activate the scythe use the little green button under the booster switch, two the self-destruct button don't work so don't try it, and last but most importantly DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT press the red button above you!"
Dorothy looked up at the small red button above her head and a mischievous smile crept over her face, "Whyyyyyyyy?"
"Trust me just don't do it."
Being the person she it Dorothy shrugged and pushed the button anyway.
Noin was adjusting a few of the setting on her suit when she heard a blood curtailing scream from the Deathscythe. 'Weird kid' she thought.
"I told you not to press it!!!" snapped Duo.
"How do you turn it off?!!!!"
"Press the button again!"
Dorothy did just that and the image on the screen in front of her disappeared, for a moment she just sat their trying to catch her breath, "Duo, why is their a porno video of you and Hilde installed in your Gundam?"
"Do you really want to know?"
Just then another voice can in, "Dorothy are you alright?!" asked Relena.
"No! I'll never be alright after that!"
"After what?"
"Jeez chill you act like ya never seen two people doin it before!"
"Not in that position!! Hell is that even legal?!!"
"Hey don't give me the Saint Dorothy act I know about you Quatre and Sandrock and from what I heard you two scored about a fifty on the Richter scale."
"You know about that?!" she gasped.
"Ooooooohhhh yeah do I ever!"
"Dorothy I hate to interrupt this obviously important conversation, but could you please give me lift off instruction everyone else is getting ready to leave." Said Relena.
"Oh sorry, later Maxwell." With that she cut Duo off the line.
"Alright press the big black button underneath the joystick."
"Done."
"Now wait a moment to let the engine warm up then press the button on the top of the joystick but not until the other take off OK."
"Gotcha."
Soon she heard Zechs's voice on her intercom, "Alright everyone listen up we are seriously out numbered and the only was we can even hope to survive this is to stick by each other these guys are all about divide and conquer. Now let's go!"
Heero was the first to take off followed by Wufei the Trowa, Noin, Zechs, Quatre and Dorothy. Relena was the last one out in hopes no one would notice her lousy driving.
"Dorothy I think something's wrong with my controls they don't seem to be responding correctly!"
"Oh I forgot to tell you, left is right, right is left, down is up, and up is down."
"Well that sounds easy enough." Said Relena sarcastically.
"Good luck."
Soon they arrived at the battle scene their were enemy suit all around them but that didn't seem to phase the other pilots at all they just started bowing them up. Relena began to panic when she found herself in the middle of it all.
Dorothy how do you shoot?!"
"Raise you gun and fire!"
"Well how do I raise my gun?!!" she asked panicked, then the cockpit began to glow a bright gold color.
Noin smiled as another M.S. exploded in front of her, she moved on to take on another and found the perfect target when Zechs flew in front of her and shot it, as well as two other possible targets.
Annoyed she called him on the intercom, "I can take care of myself Zechs you don't have to baby me!"
"Who? Me?" he asked as he shot three more suits that had attempted to target her.
"Yes you cut it out!"
"I'm not doing anything." He said innocently as he, yet again, shot a few more suits that threatened to fire at her.
"Zechs!!!!"
"Alright alright don't have a heart attack there are still plenty left for you."
"Thank you." She said and took aim from and unsuspecting target, when Zechs flew in and cut it to pieces. Noin muttered something unkind under her breath then flew off to fight solo.
Meantime Relena had finally gotten the hand of the aim and shoot concept and was kicking major mobile suit butt. In fact she was doing so well she decided to strike up a conversation with Dorothy.
"Ever wonder why they call this a joystick I think it's kind of perverted...joy...stick. I mean really and what's with the name cockpit, I don't see any cocks do you?"
"Miss Relena are you alright?"
"I'm fine, you know what I am doing now is against everything I have ever stood for but it fells great to show those bastards that you can't just come in my kingdom and insult the queen then start a war!"
"I'm glad you're starting to see the true beauty of war Miss Relena."
"Hell Yeah! War rules! Look out cause this Pacifist is gonna kick your ass!!!"
"M'k she's lost it." Muttered Dorothy.
"You know I know a cool story do you want to hear it?"
"Not really I'm kind of busy right now..."
"This happened to my friend's brother's sister's aunt's uncle's girlfriend's vet's mother's ex-husband's father-in-law's cousin twice removed. OK there was this girl who..."
"Could we save the story for later?"
"K how 'bout a joke?"
"Um no..."
"If a dumb blonde a smart blond and Santa Clause all jump off a building who'd hit the ground first?"
"I don't know nor do I care."
"The dumb blonde cause the other two don't exist!"
"You're beginning to make me veeeeeeeeeeeery angry Miss Relena."
"Didn't like that one OK try this how do you get a blonde to part her hair? Ask her to do a split!"
"OK that does it come hear you little twit!!!!!!!"
Relena flew away laughing hysterically, Noin watched as 'Duo' chased 'Hilde' with and tried to rip her to ribbons with 'his' scythe.
"What's wrong with them?" she asked Quatre who had noticed the commotion as well.
"I don't know if it were Hilde attacking I'd say it was the Zero system."
"Huh?"
"I activated it before she got in since she has such a strong body and mind I figured she could handle it and she's doing fine!"
"Duo doesn't have the system to does he?"
"No I don't know what's wrong with him, I'll ask...Duo this is Quatre, um, why are you attacking Hilde?!"
"Because the bitch keeps on telling blond jokes and it's pissing me off!!!"
In the background Noin and Quatre heard Relena say, "Why do blonde wear underwear? To keep there ankles warm!"
"Aaaaahhhh come hear you retard!!!!!!!" shouted Dorothy as she lunged at the nutty pilot again.
"Duo why are you upset your not blonde?" asked Noin.
There was a pause, "Because!"
"Stop acting stupid we have to keep fighting we're winning but it won't stay that way if we start attacking each other!"
"Fine! But when this is over I'm going to kill her!!!!!"
As Quatre tuned out her heard Relena say, "How do blondes turn on the lights after sex? They open the car door!"
Quatre shook his head, "I think I'll join you."
In a short time the group defeated all of the enemy suits and were looking over the battle field in awe.
"We came we saw we kicked their asses!!!" yelled Relena.
"That was a bit too easy." Said Heero.
"Yup I say we call Mickey Mouse...or whatever his name was and tell us to send us a real challenge!!"
"You're right Heero we shouldn't have won that so quickly I mean even Hilde doesn't have a scratch." Said Wufei.
"Hey!!!"
At that moment alarms went off in all the mobile suits indication that a HUGE amount of energy was building somewhere nearby.
"It was a decoy!" shouted Wufei.
"Decoy? For what?" asked Noin.
"That!!!" he yelled pointing to a large beam cannon rising out of the trees behind her, "They needed time to charge it!"
"Shit! Everyone scatter!"
Unfortunately it was to late for that, the cannon fired right at them, fortunately they had all moved far enough from the target to only be blown into the sky although seriously damaged. All accept for Noin who got caught in the actual blast and had half her suit blown off which caused it to fall and roll for a distance before the other half blew up making a clearing in the woods.
"Noin!!!!!" shouted Zechs.
While he went to go look at the wreckage, the others made short work of the beam cannon, even with their physical and mechanical injuries, as it attempted to charge again. Once they reduced it to rubble they flew over to aid Zechs, Quatre was the first out of his Gundam to join him at the remains of Noin's suit.
"She's not in their." Said Zechs with a look of relief on his face.
"Are you sure?" asked Quatre.
"Yes her chair was still in tack and I saw her seatbelt was undone."
Quatre turned to face the others as they got out of their suits, "Everyone spread out and look for Noin she got out before it exploded!"
Dorothy looked around, "Quatre that could take hours she could have gotten out at any time during that and the thing was thrown a couple on kilometers!"
"Well what do you suggest we do Duo not look for her because YOU don't want to?!"
"No I'm saying doing it by foot is pointless."
"We have to if we use the Gundam's we'll be to high up to see her and there's a chance we might step on her." Said Heero.
Relena laughed at the thought but stopped when everyone glared at her.
"Well we're wasting time standing hear let's go!" said Wufei.
The group split up and headed into the woods, Relena was prancing through the woods, the affects of the Zero system still working on her. Suddenly Dorothy tackled her from behind.
"OK you wise cracking twit prepare to DIE!!!"
"Why Mr. Wolf ?"
"Huh?"
"I'm on my way to my grandma's house to bring her a basket of goodies!"
"Miss Relena did you hit your head when you crashed?"
"Mr. Wolf can I go now I really need to get to my grandma's?"
Dorothy got off her and watched her get up and skip further into the woods, she would have followed her but she heard something in the bushes next to her. She cautiously walked over to the noise and peeked over the bushes to see Noin laying on her side groaning in pain Dorothy rushed to her side.
"Miss Noin are you alright?!"
She groaned and rolled over, Dorothy gasped at what she saw; her face was covered in scratches and her arms were covered with deep cuts and her leg was twisting in an unnatural position. She removed her hand from her stomach to reveal a large gash in her side that was bleeding badly, Dorothy thought for a moment and remembered she was in a male body and removed her shirt to hold it over the wound.
"I found her!!!!!!" she called to anyone in hearing range.
The first one to show up was Trowa followed by Quatre, Wufei, and Heero.
"She needs a doctor." Said Trowa.
"No shit Sherlock!" snapped Dorothy.
Just then Zechs ran over and for a moment could only stare in shock, "Is...is she alive."
Dorothy nodded, "But not for long if we don't get her some help."
"We shouldn't move her." Said Quatre.
"Do we have a choice?" asked Heero.
"Look don't move her yet I'll get my Gundam and we can take her home on that." Said Zechs, then he took off into the woods.
Dorothy looked down at the injured woman, "Miss Noin?" She only twitched in response, "We're going to have to move you in a moment so get ready."
As if on cue Zechs appeared and lowered a large mechanical hand onto the ground next to her, Trowa, Heero and Wufei helped Dorothy lift her. Noin couldn't help but scream in pain and when she did someone came barreling out of the bushes and tackled Dorothy yelling 'Leave my granny alone!!'. Needless to say Relena had returned, luckily the other boys didn't drop her and placed Noin carefully into the Tallgeese's hand. Heero got on with her to make sure she didn't fall and once he got on Zechs took off at top speed for the Sanc. Dorothy managed to buck Relena off her and stormed back to her ride home, Relena skipped after her singing 260975831 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. The others followed a good loooooong distance behind.
When they returned Relena and Dorothy were the first ones in, they were immediately greeted by Duo and Hilde.
"Guys what happened to Noin?!" asked Hilde.
"The whole thing was a setup they knew we would stick together so they sent out a bunch of mobile suits to keep us busy while they charged up a mega sized beam cannon. They wanted to take us all out in one shot but for the most part they missed, the only on they really hurt was Noin, it could have been worse though."
"And what's wrong with her?" asked Duo referring to Relena who was on her 8485636th bottle of beer.
"I don't know but if one more bottle of beer falls off the was I'm going to kill the little crackpot!"
"Relena...Relena do you know who I am?" asked Duo.
She smiled, "Oh of course your Sailor Venus!!!"
"Wha..."
"Do that love chain attack thingy!!!"
"I'm afraid this is my fault." Said Quatre as he walked in the room, "I installed and activated the Zero system and it seems to have improved her skills but driven her to insanity and she isn't getting better."
"You let Rel...Hilde use the Zero system?" asked Hilde.
"Yeah I thought she could handle it."
"Where are Wufei and Trowa?" asked Duo.
"Oh Wufei and Trowa are docking Wing Zero they had to carry it here after Heero left with Nion and Zechs." Answered Dorothy.
Quatre hadn't been paying attention to the conversation he was busy watching Relena make out with a sock puppet she just made. Hilde noticed and ran over to try and pry the smell sock from her mouth.
"Noooooooo! Mr. Socko and I were meant to be together!" shouted Relena as she ran after Hilde who was taking off with her 'lover'. Dorothy chased after them to watch for her own twisted amusement.
"Well Dorothy I guess it's just you and me now." Said Quatre with a sexy smile.
"Quatre Raberba Winner! How can you think of sex when Miss Noin is on deaths door?!"
"Oh I'm sorry you're right I am so ashamed."
Duo breathed a sigh of relief, then turned and left Quatre in the kitchen to go visit his injured friend.
Zechs looked down at his fiancé's limp form on the hospital bed she had tubes all over her to do everything, make her heart beat, to make her breath, if she wasn't hooked up to these machines she'd be dead and that's what scared him so much.
The door opened and Duo walked in and sat next to him, "I swear Dorothy if you give me that glory of war crap I will take this chair and shove it down your throat." Zechs said gruffly.
"Hey I'm not hear to bug you I just thought you could use a shoulder to cry on is all."
Zechs sneered at him, "What makes you think I want to cry?"
"Cause the woman you love is clinging to dear life."
"You reeeeeeally know how to cheer a person up."
Duo ignored that and sat back, "You want to be alone?" No answer, "Alright then I'll leave." He got up but was stopped by Zechs grabbing his arm, Duo understood and sat down again, "Don't worry she'll be OK."
"I pray you're right."
Dorothy and Hilde met in the middle of the library with a look of confusion on both their faces, "Where'd she go?" asked Hilde.
"I don't know I saw her a second ago."
Then they heard a snap and looked up to see a shocking sight; Relena standing on top of the book shelf in a skimpy leather outfit with a whip in her and a sword in the other.
"My name is Xena Warrior Princess! And I am hear to stop you Calisto!" shouted Relena pointing at Dorothy.
"Say what?" said a confused Hilde.
"Relena! You've been going through my things again!" shouted Dorothy referring to the costume.
"Silence! Gabriel you are too inexperienced to handle this leave this vixen to me!" Relena shouted to Hilde, then she charged Dorothy swinging her sword making a really weird battle cry as she did so.
Dorothy took off running all the while looking for something to defend herself with, Hilde ran after her trying to stop Relena before she went out in public in the waaaaay too revealing outfit.
Trowa and Wufei were walking through the hall when they saw 'Duo' burst out of the library with a chair leg to sword fight with 'Hilde' who was dressed in a VERY tight VERY skimpy leather outfit armed not only with a sword but a whip which she occasionally cracked at 'Duo's' feet making 'him' jump, followed by 'Relena' who was yelling at 'Hilde' about her self image.
Wufei opened his mouth to speak but Trowa stopped him, "Trust me you will be SO much happier if you just don't ask."