DRAMATIS PERSONAE
(with slightly less-than-serious descriptions and a couple of spoilers)

Lady Sylvia Marsh
(Amanda Donohoe)

Owner of Temple House; mysterious but elegant recluse who returns to her ancestral home every spring after winter 'sabbaticals'. Obsessed with snakes and ladders, laundry baskets, skulls, skimpy clothing, body paint, scouts and making bad-taste Oscar Wilde jokes. An immortal with a large snake in her basement (and that's not a double entendré), she displays vampiric & bisexual tendencies, pointed teeth and can spit hallucinogenic acid at religious icons. Murders Dorothy & Joe Trent and Kevin the Scout before kidnapping Eve.

RAFofficer and largely absentee landlord of D'Ampton Hall. Distant relative of Sir John D'Ampton, slayer of the evil legendary D'Ampton worm many centuries before. Close friend/landlord of Eve and Mary Trent (platonic of course). Prone to bizarre sexual dreams, acting like a stereotypical toff and following fanciful notions to their illogical conclusions. Owner of an absurdly floppy hairdo, obscenely large house, Mercy Farm and conveniently-placed sharp weapons. Employer of Peters.

Student, supposedly from the Orkneys, on an archaeology scholarship grant to research the Romans of Mercia. Mysteriously can produce laboratory assistance, full Highland dress, bagpipes and Mongooses at very short notice. Possible romantic link with Mary, likes to eat earthworms in aspic but dislikes being told that's what he's eaten.

Resident virgin, runs Mercy Farm guesthouse with sister Mary. 'She doesn't go to church, or any of that stuff, but she's quite religious, is Eve'. Reincarnation of a 3rd Century nun. Susceptible to pagan spells, hallucinogenic nightmares and burning the spotted dick. Sports a decidedly unconvincing accent, some bad dialogue and equally bad clothes. A worthy damsel in distress (well, in white underwear or a blue anorak, but you get the picture).

Feistier sister of Eve, not a virgin (fiancé died in a motorbike crash). Strangely gifted at pot-holing, suspicious of policemen and offended by pagan cave paintings. Haunted by the disappearance of both her parents a year earlier.

Decidedly sleazy, ham and probably alcoholic butler to James D'Ampton, a little bit too familiar with James' father's encounters with belly-dancers and locking up chambermaids. Very noisy with breakfast trays. Faithful to the end, though.

Local policeman whose deputy is more concerned with takeaway food than working. Has his ankle sucked by Sylvia and doesn't seem to find this odd. Uses patronizing terms like 'Lass', but basically a solid chap. Until the venom (then a sundial) get to him, obviously.

Mother of Mary and Eve, late of this parish by nearly a year, though still manages to plunge her fangs into her daughter before being 'fatally wounded' by James. Gets to scream and kill Peters.

Doesn't get to scream, as he's long been digested. Turns up in James' airplane dream, where he walks down some steps. Real tour de force. Owner of a rather significant watch.

Hapless boy-scout, not into headbanging though he's not bad on the mouth organ. Meets a rather unfortunate end with Sylvia, though not as unfortunate as it might have been if James hadn't pressed the doorbell at such a wonderfully timed moment. Has no real significance to the plot, but his scenes add background (and great amusement).

Short but important role for a stroppy nurse who can't tell a snake venom antidote from an arthritis reliever.