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* CYBERSPACE *
* A biweekly column on net culture appearing *
* in the Toronto Sunday Sun *
* *
* Copyright 1999 Karl Mamer *
* Free for online distribution *
* All Rights Reserved *
* Direct comments and questions to: *
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In my spare time, I collect jargon. I know that sounds strange
but when you hit your thirties and you're still single, you
begin to do odd things. Unlike, say, collecting stamps from
Tonga, collecting jargon is a pursuit without end. Engineers
and programmers can crank out jargon like no others. When
they're trying to be cute, the gag factor can be truly
unbearable. Consider: "Java" (not bad in itself but a font for
far too many unbearable coffee allusions), "mouse" (see Java),
and "nybble" (which is half a byte).
In the world of computer jargon, I've noticed "ware" (as in
hardware/software) has proven to be a most useful suffix. Below
are the various ware words I'm aware of use in the computer
industry:
FREEWARE: Programmers are generous people but they are not very
good with money. In the olden days programmers toiled away to
create highly useful utilities and modem protocols and then
just give them away (called "releasing into the public
domain"). Freeware, free software, abounded. Some programmers,
however, were lured into selling their creations or services to
greedy corporations. These programmers found themselves driving
fast sports cars that attracted equally fast women. Their
friends who were still releasing their creations to the public
domain found only respect from males aged 14-25.
SHAREWARE: Shareware, of course, is software released under a
"try before you buy" scheme. If you wish to continue to use it
after a certain preview period you must send in a fee to the
author. Much shareware goes unregistered because computer
people, having to continually buy bigger hard drives, more
memory, and new peripherals, are permanently cash poor.
BONUSWARE: Sometimes shareware vendors are so overjoyed that
you have actually registered their program, or so crave
friendship, they'll send you additional software as a bonus.
CRIPPLEWARE: Shareware with some features stripped out. You
must register the product to get the fully functional version.
The theory is to allow the user to get a good idea of what the
program can do without actually allowing the user to do
anything with it. In reality, crippleware is so irritating the
last thing a user would ever consider is ordering a registered
version.
SHELFWARE: Hardware or software that never really had a purpose
in the first place but killer "brochureware" convinced
management of its utility.
SHOVELWARE: Shovelware is cheap, nearly useless software that
many vendors bundle in quantity with their hardware.
Shovelware's sole function is to allow the marketing people to
slap "includes $500 worth of free software" on the side of the
box. They never say exactly who would be cretinous enough pay
to $500 for the software.
VAPOURWARE: Vaporware is hardware or software that is heavily
advertised or repeatedly promised but fails to materialize,
disappearing into the vapor. Computer magazines have a
notorious track record of promoting vaporware. Years ago one
computer magazine gave a home computer its "Most Bang for the
Buck" award, based on a mock-up of a machine the editors saw.
The full-color, full-page ads the computer company ran in the
magazine featuring actor Roger Moore, no doubt, helped tip the
award in favor of this piece of vaporware.
WETWARE: Software and hardware ultimately cannot run without
wetware: the human user. Wetware is applied as a pejorative
term as many programmers have a low regard for the abilities of
the people who actually use the software. Users tend to whine a
lot, discover obvious and/or embarrassing bugs, and generally
behave in a fashion that cannot be factored in by any known
algorithm.
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